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Rules for Challenges

Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,26015 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Time Travel Awesomeness

Back in Hogwarts, Harry faced the Hungarian Horntail. The crowd was hushed as the menacing beast raised its head to spy the short boy. It swooped up and looked like it was about scarf him up in one bite. Harry, however, was not unprepared. Tossing out a red and white ball in front of him, he called out in a voice so sonorous that all present could hear him with perfect clarity.

“Go Esmeralda! I choose you!”

A second later a gigantic serpent jumped out of the tiny ball and stared the Hungarian Horntail down. Unfortunately for the horntail, it fell to the ground in a petrified heap.

Harry tossed out a second ball which sucked the dragon inside, seemingly impossible even for wizards to comprehend. Even more alarming was the voice that echoed throughout the stadium. For those who had met him, it sounded remarkably like Captain America.

“You have caught a Hungarian Horntail!

>

>

“Would you like to give the Hungarian Horntail a name?”

And that was when Hermione Granger tried to pound a hole in a tree with her head. In the front row, Harry’s “Grandparents” had a similar reaction. Jean, for her part, was seriously considering mind wiping everyone present of the embarrassing moment.

Harry, having been victorious, marched off the field, holding high the poke ball and flashing a Nixon style V.

“Who’s next?” Jennifer Walters asked as she looked at the program with Susan Storm (who had just come back from buying popcorn, another item Harry had introduced to the Wizarding World).

“Megan Gwynn,” Carol Danvers said. “She’s one of the new X-Men, I think.”

“Yep, met her before,” Sue said. She looked up to see a familiar sleeping form. “Wait a minute isn’t that…?”

“Uh-huh,” nodded She-Hulk mutely. “They’re sending her up against-“

“WHO DARES DISTURB THE SLUMBER OF FIN FANG FOOM?!?”

“Me!” said a perky Welsh girl. Pixie looked up at the massive form of the dragon-that-was-really-an-alien and grinned. “Do you always refer to yourself in the third person?

“YOU DARE CHALLENGE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF FIN FANG- I MEAN, ME?!?”

“Pretty much,” she replied with a giggle. She was about to say something when the alien that looked like a dragon glanced at the sun.

“WAIT, WHAT TIME IS IT?”

“About half past three,” she replied.

“NOOOOOOOO! I MISSED THE DINNER RUSH! FIN FANG FOOM’S BOSS IS GOING TO KILL FIN FANG FOOM!” The alien-dragon said, going back to more familiar forms of speech. And with that he flew back to New York to try and save his job. No, this is not a joke. Well, it is, but this is actually 616 cannon. Fin Fang Foom works as a cook in a restaurant in the Baxter Building. No, I am not making this up.

Pretty much everybody just stared, except for Sue and Pixie. Jennifer Walters and Carol Danvers looked to the Invisible-Woman for an explanation. Sue just shrugged. “I could have given him a ride if he’d asked.”

Pixie, for her part, threw her hands up in the air and cheered. “Woot! I won!” With X-Men new and old cheering her on, she marched off the field, magic golden egg under one arm, and right into the winner’s tent. And that was how Pixie got into first place.



“BAH! YOU SEE, MONARCH OF ATLANTIS? YOU SEE? TEACH YOU TO BET AGAINST DOOM’S CHOICE!” Dr. Doom taunted.

Namor, for his part, was not amused.

Magneto just ignored them both and counted his winnings. He had wanted to bet on his former student, but had decided to bet on the sure thing. It was pretty clear that Pixie was going to be the underdog, and Magik had a few…issues to work out before she’d be able to show any remote sign of restraint. And he could never favor anyone other than a mutant, right?



Harry pulled on his mask, changed into his costume and marched back out only to find a short, squat, purple dragon smoking a stogie while lounging on the golden egg. The dragon took a look at Arthur, glanced down at the egg and then blew a smoke ring in the contestant’s general direction. All ambition and thoughts of winning vanished from Arthur’s mind…Such as it was.

“Awe crap!” he said, his voice full of the despair he felt inside. “Why did everybody else get the easy ones?”

The senior X-Men and various other superheroes winced in sympathy, but pretty much everybody else just gawked at the absurdity of the statement. How could something so small be a threat?

And that was when Lockheed totally kicked Arthur Bea Wilson’s ass, humbling even the most obstinate and disbelieving wizard or witch.

Needless to say, Arthur came in last place.



“How can this next event possibly work? We have one person participating twice!” The Durmstrang headmaster said. “How can such a thing even be possible?”

“Might I remind you that it is a magically binding contract?” Fudge said. “Both have to participate or their magic will fight against them, him, whatever.”

And no one wanted to know what Harry would do if he lost his magic. Except for maybe the Weasley Twins, but they were more concerned with the blonde triplets that were observing the matches. The clothing they wore was, ahem! interesting.

“I’ve got an idea that might just work,” Dumbledore said.




“Harry, we’ve got a solution,” Fudge said with a grin. He was making money hand over fist since the boy had come up with the brilliant idea of selling tickets to parents. And that 90% that went into his own coffers was just a managerial fee. At least that was his story and he was sticking to it.

“So you’re gonna clone me?”

“Not as such, no,” Dumbledore said. “This is a time turner, it will allow you to be in two places at once by sending you back in time.”

“Awesome,” Harry said, sharing a fist jab with Pixie. “How does it work?”

“You just put it around your neck and spin the talisman,” Dumbledore said. “One spin is equal to one hour’s time.”

“Righteous,” Harry said in a decidedly 90s stoner/surfer voice. He promptly hung it about his head and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun until he found himself in a very different Hogwarts. That is to say, it looked exactly alike, but was decidedly less awesome.

He looked around and realized there were a whole bunch of people staring at him.

“What year is it?” He asked a pretty girl who looked about his age.

“1942, why?” she replied. He could tell by her scarf that she was a Gryffindor, but it wasn’t like he really cared. He was all with the not caring.

“Crap!” Harry said, striking a dramatic pose. “I need help!”

He grabbed a random professor and said “I need help Doc! I need to get back!”

“Who the bloody blazes are you?”

“Doc! I need to get back! Back to the Future!”

“Are you a student here?”

Harry ignored him as he realized something. “Wait! This is right in the middle of the Second World War! Awesome, I’m gonna go team up with the Invaders and kick Nazi ass!”

And with that, he ran away.

Minerva McGonagall looked after him with complete confusion. “I’ll be honest. That was so strange I hope I never meet him again.”

Years later she would later be disappointed.



“Okay, I’m back,” Harry said, appearing behind Dumbledore, causing the Headmaster to shriek with surprise. Harry reached out and stopped himself from spinning the time spinner.

“Don’t do that, it’s all taken care of.”

“Okay cool. Nice trip?”

“Killed Nazis.”

“Awesome.”

“This is so much cooler than talking to my own text box.”

“Well, almost as cool.”

“Yeah,” Harry said to Harry. “You should probably put your mask on now, I’ve got to go get ready.”

“Same plan?”

“Oh, better.”

“Even the one with the swim trunks and the enlarging spell?”

“Much better and without the implied overcompensation.”

“Good!”

The adults looked at the exchange with absolute horror.

“You fool! By preventing yourself from going back in time you may have just prevented your existence from existing and there for not stopped yourself from going!”

Both Harrys looked up at the silly Headmaster and shook their head.

“Honestly, basic comic book temporal physics,” one Harry said.

“Time travel creates new universes, and issues of What if? not paradoxes,” the other Harry continued. He looked at his temporal clone. “Honestly, you’d think they don’t have a brain cell to share between them.”

“I know!”



The next task involved water and mermaids, or at least merpeople, and Harry hadn’t annoyed them, so he figured he’d be on good terms. Just to be sure he had dressed for the part. He wore obviously fake elf ears, an excessive amount of gel in his hair to pull it back, had ducktaped little wings to his ankles and had pulled on a pair of Speedos made of green sequins with a gold colored elastic band.

Harry pointed to the sky and screamed just before he dove in the water.

“TYRANNOSAURUS REX!”

Scott and Jean looked on in horror as Harry parodied Namor, the Submariner. Susan Storm-Richards just laughed her ass off. The Wizarding World was pretty much clueless. Scott glanced at the cameras that were sending the live feed all over the world. The leader of the X-Men covered his face in his hands and muttered: “It’s ‘Imperious Rex,’ not ‘Tyrannosaurus Rex.’ Namor is going to kill us all.”



Contrary to popular belief, the Monarch of Atlantis DOES have a sense of humor and thought it was hilarious.



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