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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,35815 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Shoot out at the Brooklyn Mall

Author's request: I would love for someone to do some fan art for this. I'll post it and give you credit for everything.

=== === === ===

Five minutes later:

“Great Harry, you draw all attention to yourself, so now we’re both captured,” Jubilee said to the kid next to her.

“Who’s Harry? I’m Arthur Bea Wilson,” said the mysterious masked boy. “And besides, getting captured was all part of my master plan.”

“And what would that be?”

“Not getting hit on the head because it hurts,” Arthur said, rubbing his temple. “And getting close enough to you and the hostages so that we can release them and the Power Pack will keep the super villains occupied until we can attack from behind.”

“The Power Pack?”

“Yep,” Arthur said.

“Great, so the lives of everyone here are dependent on a whole bunch of pre-pubescent kids with sugar highs and delusions of grandeur,” snarled a familiar cigar smoking man. “All we need is that Spider-Menace to show up to really ruin my day.”

“Why? Because he’d actually stop them?” Arthur asked.

“No because he’d join in,” the publisher said, gritting his teeth for the inevitable. “He’s a criminal, a menace, he wears a mask, you can’t trust a guy wearing a mask.”

“But I’m wearing a mask,” Arthur said, pointing to his own masked face.

“You’re a kid, it’s different,” J. Jonah Jameson said, taking another puff on his cigar. “If you’re a kid, it’s make believe. If you’re an adult, it’s because you’re a masked menace. Of course, that doesn’t stop those menaces from corrupting kids.”

“Oh, okay,” Arthur said, pondering the implications. “So Magneto is okay, because you can see his face through the helmet, even if he tries to kill all humans and stuff, but Spider-Man’s a bad guy because you can’t see his face. Gotcha.”

“That’s not rea-“ the publisher argued, but he was cut off by Jubilee. With a bit of a growl she held out her wrists, still bound by the little red snake.

“Harr-Arthur, why don’t you talk to these little snakes and get them to let us go?” Jubilee asked.

“You really can talk to snakes, kid?” Jameson asked, giving the masked kid an askance look.

“Yup,” he said before leaning over and whispering conspiratorially in Jameson’s ear. “It’s my mutant power.”

“I somehow doubt that kid,” Jameson said, taking a big puff on his cigar. “But do your thing if it can get us out of here.”

Arthur talked to the snake a moment in that raspy tongue, and sat up as the snakes let go. “They say they want better living situations. I told them to unionize.”

And then, just as Arthur had predicted, the Power Pack attacked. Arthur stood up and started shooting at the closest members of the Serpent Society.

“Ow!” Hissed princess python as Arthur shot her. “Wait a minute, he’s just got air-soft guns!”

“Oops,” said Arthur, suddenly realizing what had gone wrong. “I brought the wrong doorknobs.”

“Strangle him,” commanded the woman to her massive python. It slithered closer to Arthur, even as the young hero? Semi-Villain? Whatever…even as Arthur shot her friends.

Jubilee stood up and started blinding as many as she could, starting on those that looked the strongest.

Arthur found himself side by side with a super heroine his own age: Energizer of the Power Pack.

“Oh fooie, I need to disintegrate something to shoot my blasts again,” she said, pouting. Arthur pointed to a gigantic bargain box outside the local bookstore.

“It’s full of ‘Webs’ by Peter Parker,” he said with a grin. “Nobody will read that anyway.”


By now the massive python was upon them. Arthur waved his hand and spoke to the snake. “We are not the kid superheroes you are looking for.”

“Oh, okay,” said the snake. “Hey, you can talk to me.”

“Yep,” Arthur said with a humble shrug. “It’s my superpower. I’d really appreciate it if you’d just hang out.”

“Hey, not problem man. I think I’ll just strangle that poodle and watch,” said the python, nodding to a hot pink dog. She sounded a little stoned.

“Sounds like a plan!” Arthur said, patting the snake on the head.

“Anaconda! Get him!” commanded King Cobra.

“Can’t you people come up with a better plan?” Arthur asked. “I mean really. I watched Ghostbusters too. It didn’t work for them either.”

“I know, that’s almost as bad as when my brother tried the ‘everything’s fine here’ on a radio,” Energizer agreed.

Anaconda, however, was right upon them. Reaching out, she dove forward, narrowly missing her targets as they jumped to the side.

“Stretchy arms! You’ve got stretchy arms! You’re not supposed to have stretchy arms!”

“I think that’s the last of our problems,” Light-speed said, keeping the super strong villainess occupied as her sister and Arthur scrambled out of the way.

“Damn it,” grumbled Jubilee. She was about to stop the light show and go right to blowing them up, now that the hostages were out of the way. This was the tricky part of her powers, getting just the right amount of boom to take the bad guys out and preserve the mall at the same time. If she was just going for non-lethal, she could just blind them until someone could subdue them. Catching Gee’s eye, she nodded and blinded three of them with her light blasts. Gee grabbed King Cobra by the ankle, hefting him up with his power of gravity manipulation. A quick toss later and the Serpent Squad’s leader found himself slammed into the floor and suddenly out cold.

“You guys are awesome,” Arthur said, impressed. “I need more friends my own age.” Looking up at the remaining members of the Serpent Squad, Arthur gritted his teeth and aimed his doorknobs. “Now are you gonna quit or are we going to do this the hard way?”

“Aren’t we already doing this the hard way?” Mass Master asked as he solidified into a four inch tall, sixty pound boy on top of Black Mamba’s head. As the Serpent Squad saw another of their member go down, they shared a worried glance until Jubilee exploded a flare between them, blinding Bushmaster and Puff Adder and knocking them both on their asses.

“Sure, but I just wanted to intimidate them,” Arthur said with a shrug. “OOOOO! Light-speed! Buzz them with a sonic boom! Then they’ll be blind and deaf!”

“Wouldn’t that deafen everyone in the mall?” Light-speed asked.

“It won’t kill ‘em,” Arthur said with a shrug.

The resulting deafening shock wave informed Ororo Munroe that there might be a slight problem at the Mall. A few moments of weather based manipulations and the Serpent Squad found themselves deaf, blind and unconscious.

“We totally rule,” Harry said, pulling off his mask. He turned to the Power Pack: “We should totally do this again.”

“What?” asked Gee, still trying to get the ringing out of his ear. “I can’t hear you.”

“What?” asked Harry. Energizer couldn’t hear either.

Mass Master looked at his older sister and shrugged. “Why weren’t we affected?”

“Well, I’m never affected by my powers and you were in cloud form,” she said.

“What?” asked Gee and Harry.

Storm, arms crossed over her chest and a furious look on her face, towered over them with a disapproving look. “Would some one care to enlighten me as to how this began?”

“I can’t hear you, I’m deaf,” said Jubilee, Harry and Gee in perfect unison. “Because of that person.” Harry and Gee pointed at Light-speed, but Jubilee pointed at Harry.

“Well,” said Julie Powers, AKA Light-speed, pointing to the trussed up Serpent Society, “they started it, but he,” she said, pointing to Harry, “made it a whole lot worse.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Storm muttered. “Well, at least no one had any permanent injuries. You were smart to get the hostages out first.”

=== === === ===

When they finally got back to the Xavier Institute, Jubilee opened the trunk for her packages. Inside was Princess Python’s happy poodle eating python curled up around the spare tire.

“Screw this,” Jubilee said, slamming the trunk closed. There was no way she was going to stay close to the little creep after he got an even bigger snake. “I’m going to the Salem Institute.”

J. Jonah Jameson stormed into the editorial office, puffing a cigar and grinding his teeth at the same time. It was an impressive feat. Slamming down into his chair, he bellowed into the newsroom. “Robbie! Parker!”

“Yeah Jonah?”

“What’s up Mr. Jameson?”

“I want a front page expose on the mall hostage situation,” Grumbled the Editor in Chief. “Parker, go get pictures of the Power Pack and Jubilee, I don’t know who she was, but she was with one of the X-Men. We’re doing a story on the corruption of youth in superhero culture. NOW PARKER!”

=== === === ===

The next day.

Harry looked up at Jean Grey with tears in his eyes. The newspaper was abandoned on the table. The front page showed Storm, Jubilee and the Power Pack superimposed on the Mall as cops took the Serpent Society into custody. “He didn’t mention me!” Harry made a fist. “You’ll pay Jameson!”

Jean just pulled him into a hug and patted his head. “Now, now Harry. Stop talking like a super-villain.”
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