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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,15715 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Old Men Made of Foam Don't Belong in Graveyards

Arthur Bea Wilson was ensorcelled into submission with a tree binding his arms. “Uh, guys, Mort Snackers? You might want to hold off on the binding spells, this is supposed to be Teen rated. If this was an MAX title, I’d have killed you already, gotten a commendation from the Punisher, and viewed some biological distractions of the XX chromosome. Chromosomes rule, by the way.”

“Cease your prattle!” commanded the shade of Voldemort. Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, I’m not the one that enforces the ratings on these things! You’re just lucky we’re not under the Comics code anymore!”

“Does anyone at all know what he’s talking about?” asked one of the assembled Deatheaters.

“I haven’t the slightest,” replied his/her neighbor.

"Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son. Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your master. Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe."

“Is that supposed to be a spell? I knew better incantations when I had a spell of dementia!” heckled an old man from a bizarrely placed balcony. Everybody looked up in surprise at the sudden voice.

“Maybe it’d be better if you spelled it differently!” replied his counterpart before they both started laughing.


“Where did they come from?” demanded Lucius Malfoy gruffly.

“Never seen them before in my life,” answered another masked Deatheater.

“Couldn’t help ya,” said Goyle. Lucy eyed him closely.

“You are sounding rather strange Goyle,” the blonde sycophant said.

“Cough! Cough! I’ve got er…nymph warts,” ‘Goyle’ replied poorly, actually saying the word ‘cough.’ There was suddenly a good bit of room around the ‘wizard,’ because no one EVER wanted to get nymph warts.

“Nymph warts?” his friend asked.

“First thing I could think of,” ‘Goyle’ replied. He would have said more, but Voldemort interrupted them.

“Why isn’t it working? It should be working! We used Harry Potter’s blood!”

“That’s probably because I’m not Harry Potter,” the ‘Arthur’ said from the tree. He pulled off his mask to reveal a scruffy, but rather handsome man that all of them knew. “The name is Black, Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD.”

Ba-da-badump! Ba-da-badump! Ba-da-ba-da-ba!

“Did anyone else hear theme music when he said that?”

The other Deatheaters agreed silently.

“Harry and Pixie were unavoidably detained,” Black said, stripping off his robes to appear in a SHIELD uniform, complete with the ubiquitous BGG (Big Giant Gun). “I hope I played the part well.”

“What are you fools waiting for? Kill him!” Lucy Malfoy commanded as his cousin-in-law fired his BGG in the dark wizard’s general direction. Voldemort just screamed in rage.

Wands went up, but before spells could be intoned, Sirius Black tapped his earbud. “Agent Black to Helicarrier. Airstrike on my location immediate after extraction.” He waved as Illyana Rasputin teleported in, deflected the incoming spells, and teleported back out, taking him with her. “Bye!”

“Seems like he didn’t like the surprise!” commented the first heckler.

“Hey, if I’d been a reoccurring character in this fic, I’d want to bomb them too!”


Lucius started waving his arms around. “Don’t just stand there! This is obviously some part of an attack!”

The Deatheaters started making trails out of there as soon as possible, the last leaving just as the bombs began to land. Soon, all that was left were two old men made out of foam.

“What are we even doing in this fic?” the first asked.

“Disney bought us first and then bought Marvel,” the other explained.

“Bet they’ll never make that mistake again!”


Harry rolled a boulder off his back, allowing the two of them to climb out of the rubble. “Never been trapped in a landslide before.”

“Don’t want to do that ever again,” Pixie swore.

“I agree,” Harry said. He pulled out his Hungarian Horntail and commanded it to burn a pathway to the center. Travel was much easier then. Eventually, they got to the center clearing, but the chalice was gone.

“Well that sucks,” Pixie said. “And here I told everybody that I’d bring it back.”

“If this thing’s still up then it’s obviously not over,” Harry said. “How about we wait for it to come back?”

“So…” Pixie said slowly. “We’re in the middle of an almost impossible maze, waiting on something that might never arrive and pretty much alone except for your dragon.”

“Good recap.”

“Harry, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”

“Was that sarcasm? I sometimes have trouble identifying it if I’m not delivering it,” Harry admitted. Pixie responded by giving him a peck on the cheek. “I knew that puberty truck accident was a good thing.”

Cedric Diggory was oblivious to the bombing going on around him. This was primarily because he wasn’t Cedric Diggory, he was an LMD or Life Model Decoy; a robot designed to impersonate someone and even simulate death. When the bombing stopped, something had happened to his programming because he woke up, something that wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Command Override,” Cedric 1.2 said aloud. “Hardware damaged. Utilizing alternative structure. Ultron Protocols initiate.”

And then another bomb exploded.

Far above Riddle’s playground of death, Sirius Black watched from a distance as the ritual was bombed out of oblivion.

“Good work,” congratulated Nick Fury, handing him a martini, shaken, not stirred.

“Well, most of them got away,” Sirius admitted. “They had a slightly too large warning. Next time I’ll just bomb them without warning or banter.”

“Nonsense,” Fury said. “If you don’t banter how are you going to get the bad guy to spill his plans through arrogance?”

“I suppose you’ve got a point,” the wayward wizard admitted. “Any hope on getting me un-KOS in the UK?”

“We’re working on it,” Fury said. “As it stand now, it’s pretty hard to keep people from noticing an extra. Especially since people are going to be more observant this time.”

“I know, the briefing was pretty clear,” Sirius agreed. “So where are the Diggorys?”

“Sleeping off the Lethe water,” Fury said. “They shouldn’t remember anything about you.”

“Good, because even their Revolution can’t help them yet. Unless they choose to take a few more precautions.”


“What?” asked Fury.

“I think something went wrong,” Sirius said a moment before he fell over backwards.

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