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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596437,86615 Dec 093 Sep 12No

In Honour of Yee Olde World Cuppe





Deadpool's Note: Yeah, things have been a little crazy lately. I blame it on magic. And Spider-Man. And...Skrulls. Yeah, that's it. Skrulls did it. Those horrid skrulls impersonating the author! Can't trust any of 'em! Well, this should revel and reveal. *BANG!* Goody, killed some Skrulls. Gotta love heavy projectile weapons.

As for other things, my little Arthur is having a hard time. Especially being revealed to be Sirius Black, whoever that guy is. Always strange when you get another kid and you don't even know it. I mean, he's almost MY age. Wow, I wonder if this is what Scotty felt when my buddy Nate came back from the future as an old man? Honestly, a grown son at my age. Hmmm...I think I'm gonna go teach him the facts of life. And Doorknobs. And Chimichangas. And the Box. Can't ever forget the Box!







“There,” Lucius said. “That should be do it.” He waved his wand over the chalice and returned it to its proper place, hoping this time to get the REAL Harry Potter.

“What’s happening?” Voldemort asked. Lucius turned to see his master shaking like an epileptic on Mutant Growth Hormone. “The spell didn’t work!”

“I would not hesitate to correct you, but it does seem to be doing something,” Lucius Malfoy commented. He brought his head up as the sound of heavy measured thumping sounded off in the distance and quickly neared. “Wait! What’s that noise?”

Cedric Diggory’s LMD, looking like something out of a zombie movie crossed with Terminator, charged at them, arms outstretched as it bellowed a line of code that sounded not unlike an old computer logging into dialup.

It seemed to be heading right towards Lucius and kicked the still shaking Voldemort like a football master on a penalty kick. Voldemort bounced off a tree limb, only to continue on between two more trees at the end of a long open space in the bombed out area. Looking on, Harry Potter raised his hands to the air and said: “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Harry, are you done?” Pixie asked. She pointed to Lucius, ‘Crabe’ and ‘Goyle.’ “There are bad men here.”

“I know, but I’m just getting in touch with my inner hooligan,” he answered.

And that was when approaching Deatheaters snuck up behind them and stunned them both.



“Okay, let’s do this right this time!” Voldemort commanded

Lucius Malfoy once again cast the spell to strap Harry up to the tree. This time the spell worked, and Voldemort was back in all his scaly glory.

“Now to just call the others.”

He used his connection to make the dark marks burn, calling his minions back to him. One by one they teleported in by magic until a large circle had arrived.

“Yes, all you fools,” he commanded to his assembled death eaters. “I have returned.”

They bowed before him out of fear, not respect. “Stand up! You never sought me out! You just wanted to hide away, blaming things on me! But this is not the time for that discussion. We shall have plenty of time for your punishment later. No, first we have a little rat to deal with.”

“I’m not a rat, I’m an allosaurus,” Harry corrected helpfully.

“Oh, so you’re the one who-“ ‘Crabbe’ said a moment before ‘Goyle’ elbowed him in the gut. “oof!”

Voldemort waved his wand, releasing Harry from the binding spell. He then ensured that the young wizard had his wand. “Go ahead. We shall do this so that all can see.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Amon Goeth?”

“No,” Voldemort replied, a little confused.

“Oh, I shot him once, but he got better. The real one, not the guy from Shindler’s List,” Harry said. “Where’d Pixie go?”

“Oh, you mean your little girlfriend,” Voldemort taunted. “We have no need of a halfbreed like her.”

“I suppose I should make some threatening comments about how I’ll kill you if anything happens to her, but I’m going to rise above it and just let her kick your ass later,” Harry said. “It’s less cliché that way and doesn’t get me in trouble for excessive testosterone.”

‘Crabbe’ was trying not to laugh. ‘Goyle’ elbowed him in the gut again. ‘Crabbe’ immediately stood back up straight.

“Oh, my dear Crabbe,” Voldemort said, mistaking the reason for the humor. “I am amused as well. To think something like that could possibly be a challenge to one of my powers, or any pureblooded, right minded wizard. Well, purity above all else.”

“Wow! You REALLY sound and act like Amon Goeth! Are you sure you’re not being played by the same actor?” Harry asked.

“Enough of this,” the Dork Lord commanded. “We’ll do this correctly. A duel. Then all will see that I am your better. The insolence of being put low by someone like you has weakened my stature. Killing you armed and aware should settle that issue nicely. Traditions must be obeyed. Raise your wand. Bow, and-“

“Tommy, before we begin, there’s something I need to tell you,” Harry interrupted as the dark wizard was instructing. Voldemort stepped out of his fighting stance with an annoyed huff.

"Nothing you could say matters any longer," the dark wizard snarled at him.

“But it does,” Harry said ominously. "You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the Wizarding world!"

Voldemort looked like he was going to laugh hysterically. "As if I would ever join you! You are at my mercy! There is nothing I could gain!"

"If only you understood the truth!" Harry said with an odd pose. For some reason, a black cloak appeared off the young wizard's shoulder that fluttered in the breeze. “What did Dumbledore tell you about your father?”

“My father is dead,” snarled the dark wizard.

"If only you knew," Harry said with a superior smile that seemed to hold some dark secret. "Dumbledore never told you what truly happened."

"Killed and murdered," sneered the snaky guy, who was clearly getting tired of the interplay.

"No," intoned young Harry James Potter in a darkly serious tone. Harry stood tall, holding out a dramatic hand as lightning struck behind him, silhouetting him amongst the gravestones. “You see Tommy, I am your father!



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