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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,47715 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Taking care of business

When the OOTP’s in times of trouble
Mother Napalm calls to me,
Sowing Seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!
And In my hour of darkness,
A batch of basic chemistry,
Sowing Seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

Let it burn, Let it burn,
Let it burn, oh Let it burn,
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

“And so the first meeting of the new Order of the Phoenix will now commence,” Jessica Dumbledore said, stroking his long beard. “Arthur Weasley, what is the first order of business?”

“We know that Harry is staying with the people at Xavier’s School for the Gifted,” the man said. “Aside from a two week trip to Japan, he’s been there all along.”

“Good to know he’s with people who can protect him,” Remus Lupin said. “And word about Sirius Black?”

“From what I’ve heard on the international side of things, he’s been cleared of all charges,” Kingsley Shacklebolt said. “Even muggle Britain doesn’t consider him a threat anymore. They’ve cleared him as well.”

“How can this be?” Dumbledore asked, clearly befuddled by the news.

“From what I understand, he and Harry have been seen together on a regular basis in New York City,” the auror replied casually.

“NEW YORK CITY?” the others blurted loudly.

“Come now! This is an Order meeting, not a salsa commercial from the early 90s!” said a new voice.

“Harry? How’d you get here?” Dumbledore asked as the boy just walked into the hidden house.

“I’ve got two legs from my hips to the ground,” Harry sang, “and when I move them, they walk around.”

“This location is supposed to be secret!”

“What? I just had a meeting, so I figured I’d stop by since I got done early,” Harry said. “So what’s up with the Rodent of Death?”

Remus Lupin looked confused, and Mad Eye Moody mouthed “Voldemort” as an explanation.

“He’s been quiet and the ministry is calling you a liar,” Dumbledore admitted. “Minister Fudge is using the Daily Prophet to lambast you daily.”

“Oh, well, I’ll take care of the second one,” Harry said. “Let me just get to the bank. See you guys later!”

And with that, Pixie teleported in and took the two of them away, waving goodbye as the pink portal took them away.

“Next order of business, a new hideout,” Dumbledore said.

And when the Death Eating people,
Living in the world agree they will see,
I already have the answer,
Burn it all!
For though they may be insane,
There’s a special light for them to see,
From “the Poor Man’s James Bond,”
Burn it all!

Let it burn, Let it burn,
Let it burn, oh Let it burn,
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

Five hours later:


Heads turned to see the familiar face of Harry Potter standing in the doorway to the press floor of the Daily Prophet.

“You get out of here! We don’t like your kin-oof!” Pixie, sensitive to prejudiced statements, kicked the former Editor in Chief in the gut.

“That felt pretty good,” she said perkily.

“Nothing wrong with causing pain to those who deserve it,” Harry said. He turned back to the others. “Okay, I’m your new boss. I own the news paper and so now you’re gonna write what I have to say.”

“You can’t do that!”

“You’re fired.”

“You can’t do that to me!”

The offending reporter was magically defenestrated.

“Any other complaints?” Harry asked as he glanced about the room.

Everyone shook their heads.

“Good, now I’m going to go kidnap us a new EiC with a good head on his shoulders and decades of newspaper experience and a moustache that sometimes looks like a dead caterpillar on his upper lip. It depends on who’s drawing him that issue,” Harry told them. “You’re all going to write stories about the new superhero team that’s saving the world from Dark Lords, Rodents of Death and muggers.”


“The Magic Avengers,” Harry said. “They’ll be giving a press conference this afternoon on the steps of the Ministry. I want the press there.”

And when I next see Tommy,
My jellied petrol waits for him,
Burn on ‘till tomorrow,
Let it burn!
Thou he might meet Doc Doom,
It never hurts to be prepared,
Excessive pyromania,
Burn it all!

“What the?” J. Jonah Jameson said as he was picked up and thrown over a yellow trashcan’s shoulder. “What you doing to me?”

“Sorry, JJ, but we need an editor,” said a masked man in the corner.

“Sorry, just got the Bugle, you can’t do this to me!” J. Jonah Jameson grumbled.

“Aluminum-Lad, take the EiC back to the Daily Prophet and meet me for the press conference,” the masked man said.

The yellow trashcan with arms and legs nodded and Jameson was sure he heard sobs coming from inside.

“You okay kid?”

“I am a banana!” Aluminum-Lad replied between sobs. “I AM A BANANA!”

“Oh, uh, sorry to hear that,” Jameson said. There was an arcane phrase and the next thing Jameson knew he was in a press room exactly like the Bugle, but everyone was wearing bizarre clothes.

“What the?”

Burn it all, burn it all,
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

“What do you mean he kidnapped the entire staff of the Bugle?” Mary Jane asked her husband.

“Exactly what I said, a fourteen year old boy stole everyone but me,” Peter Parker said, clinging to his camera. “Granted, he’s magical and can turn into an allosaurus, and had the help of a yellow trashcan, but still, I don’t know what he’s gaining from this. Soon after they left, a bunch of crazy people were dropped there instead. All claiming to be wizards or witches.”

“So what are you doing about it?” Mary Jane asked.

“Well, the new editor gave me a raise and wants me to take pictures of the Boy-Who-Lied, whoever that is,” Peter admitted. “I’ll find out what happened to Jonah and then see about the rest of them. I don’t really want to be there when Luke finds out someone kidnapped Jessica Jones.”

“Yes, that could be bad,” Mary Jane Watson-Parker agreed. “You are going to take the raise, through right?”

Burn it all, burn it all,
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

“Welcome Citizens!” Captain Hogwarts said, brandishing his shield. He had healed up nicely once the stab wounds closed, but it had taken some time, and so that’s what the author is blaming the time between updates on. It was real time healing.

“Who are you people?” demanded Fudge.

“We are: THE MAGICAL AVENGERS!” announced Captain Hogwarts. The frizzy haired Crimson Witch rubbed her temples, wishing her face was covered like the others. Aluminum-Lad was sobbing and wishing that he wasn’t wearing a yellow trashcan as a costume. Half-Giant-Man was wearing a skintight uniform that left nothing to the imagination. In fact, his big bushy beard covered more than his costume did. Neville Longbottom stood proudly and seemed oblivious to the massive amount of drooling going on around him. About 90% of the female population and 10% of the male population never let their eyes stray from him and were acting like he was a veela on magical pretty steroids. The Beetle kept sneaking glances at his buttocks, but tried to not be noticed doing it. Mister Magical Marvel floated about two feet off the ground and let non-existent wind blow through his hair. He was starting to get almost as many drooling looks as Neville.

“Who are you people?” Fudge demanded again. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re here to protect and defend Truth, Justice and the Wizarding Way,” Captain Hogwarts announced. Next to him, Arthur Bea Wilson shook his head. “We’re not?”

“No,” Arthur said. “We’re here to save people from corrupt politicians and Evil Rodents.”

“Oh,” Captain Hogwarts said dejectedly.

“Don’t be sad, you can be the first one to throw Fudge out a window,” Arthur said as he clapped him on the back. That put a smile back on Captain Hogwart’s face. Defenestration seemed to make all of them pretty happy, even Aluminum-Lad.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to see someone do that,” the Beetle said with a wide grin.

Months later, after throwing about 90% of the Ministry officials out windows, it was time to go back to school. The Ministry, not learning its lesson, installed Deloris Umbridge as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. As hard as it was to believe, this actually lowered the estimation of the Wizarding World’s worth as the news of what was happening hit Cable News.

“Detention Mr. Potter!”

“You can’t give me a detention, I’m not even a student here,” Harry replied with a smirk.

“Yes you are!”

“No I’m not.”

“That’s two detentions!”

“If I refused to serve one, what makes you think I’ll serve two?” Harry sighed, looking at the toadish woman with pity. “Well, only one way to fix this,” he said as he got up from his desk. He walked up, punched her in the gut, broke her stubby wand and dragged her out by the hair. There was much rejoicing.

“You can’t do this to me! The Ministry will hear of this! I’m Deloris Umbridge!”

“Yes I can, because I’m apparently doing it. I don’t care if the Ministry hears about this. And I don’t really care what your name is,” Harry replied as he continued to drag her down the hallway. She continued to scream as Harry dragged her up the stairs, one by one until they reached the seventh floor. There, Harry walked back and forth muttering about some box. When a door appeared, Harry James Potter dragged her inside a dark, forbidding room. “Welcome to the Box, Deloris. Bye!”

Her eyes adjusted slightly, suddenly realizing there were many, many sharp objects and obstacles. Harry Potter waved as he closed the door behind him, leaving her in darkness.

“Mr. Potter! What do you think you were doing?” Professor McGonagall demanded as he stepped back outside.

“Just taking out some trash,” Harry said, dusting off his hands. “If you don’t take it out right away, the stink gets into everything.” At her scandalized look he shrugged innocently. “Hey, I could have just asked my Dad to kill her. He’d probably give me a discount too. I read Order of the Phoenix, I knew what she was going to do.”

He had the good graces to look ashamed of that. "Please don't tell my dad I read this far ahead."

Burn it all, burn it all,
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

Burn it all, burn it all,
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.
Sowing seeds of Chaos,
Burn it all!

Burn it all, burn it all,
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.
Excessive Pyromania,
Burn it allllllllllllllllllll!

Next time: Other things happen!

Oh, and the Beatles were the inspiration for the little ditty. 'Tis a nice tune.
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