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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,31615 Dec 093 Sep 12No

He's been jammed.

“Aaaaaveeeee Mariiiaah,” Harry sang, his voice echoing in the great hall. The Hogwarts students paused as they saw the strange young man belting out opera serenades in a voice that could cause Godric Gryffindor himself to commit suicide.

“Why is Harry singing opera?” Hermione asked Pixie. She had decided to come along to Hogwarts since Harry said it would be months before the next massive crossover event, whatever that meant.

“He said it's because we got put up on,” Pixie told her fellow super-heroine. She pulled out a little piece of paper and handed it to the bushy haired girl. “Here. This is the address he gave me. Don't know what it's for, but he seemed to think it's important.” Thanks Fyrewyre? How do you think in a box? And even if you could, why would you think in a colored one?” Hermione asked, clearly confused. She winced as Harry belted out a version of Funiculi Funicula in a Yiddish accent. Pixie ignored her boyfriend and shrugged.

“Don't ask me,” Pixie said. “I'm just passing along what he handed me.”

“Fair enough,” Hermione admitted. “So how do you feel about the whole Magic Avengers thing?”

“Not that much different from being an X-Man,” the mutant super-heroine stated. “Better I guess. This way people aren't trying to kill me for being a mutant.”

“But they're trying to kill you for being a half-fey muggleborn instead,” Hermione pointed out.

“Hey, they might be bigots, but at least its a change from giant robots and psychopathic Russians with demon infested alternate dimensions,” Pixie said with an innocent shrug.

“I guess you've got me there,” Hermione agreed. “So I've been wondering...”

“Is Harry really a mutant?”

“Yep. Is he?” Hermione asked. Pixie just shrugged.

“Nobody knows!”

Hermione felt physical pain as Harry decided to sing “Carmen” from beginning to end, but in an impeccable Gilbert Godfrey impression.

“Why are you dating him?” Granger asked. “He's clearly insane and a danger to everyone around him.”

“He's cute, he's sweet and he's insane enough so that the only competition I've got is with woman who don't want anything to do with him,” Pixie admitted. “And he's cute.”

“You're dating him because he's insane?”

“And because he's cute,” Pixie nodded. She shrugged with a blushing smile. "He's never boring."

“Thank you all for coming once again to our hourly staff meeting,” Albus Dumbledore said with twinkles in his eyes, a mysterious grin on his face and a playful twirl of his beard.

“Headmaster, while I appreciate your dedication to our students, why are we having hourly meetings?” Professor Flitwick asked. Dumbledore smirked and passed over a copy of the faculty by-laws. “'Any professor may be replaced if they miss 15 staff meetings.' Albus, why is this written in Harry Potter's handwriting?”

“That couldn't possibly be Harry's handwriting as that is the official copy of the Faculty By-Laws,” Dumbledore said in an oh-so-innocent voice. “And we all know that Harry Potter isn't a student at Hogwarts, so it couldn't possible be his handwriting.”

“Ah, and at this point Umbridge has already missed twelve meetings,” Snape said with a smile. “Well done professor. Well done.”

“Who are you considering for replacements?” Pomona Sprout asked warmly. She wasn't afraid to show her displeasure with the fascist Deloris Umbridge. Fascism was, after all, just an extension of the capitalist bourgeois and had no place in a true Marxist society.

“Harry Potter was quite willing to collect a few CVs for me based on my previous hiring practices,” Dumbledore said as he handed out a few pieces of parchment. “Perhaps we should review them first.


DOOM! is the leader of Latveria and is one of the candidates for the next Sorcerer Supreme. He will crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentations of the LMDs.

Qualifications: Advanced degrees in physics, world domination, and evil plots, and comes from a long line of magic users. Very strict on misbehavior.

Possible Drawback: runs a nation and that might interfere with his ability to teach on a regular basis.

Baron Karl Mordo

Transylvanian count. Trained by the Ancient One along side Dr. Stephen Strange and has tried repeatedly to kill them both. Currently Deceased due to cancer.

Qualifications: Trained under the previous Sorcerer Supreme. Reoccurring villain. Temporarily redeemed.

Possible Drawback: Currently Deceased.

Wanda Maximoff

Daughter of the Mutant Terrorist Magneto, she was raised by the High Evolutionary and then given to gypsies. She became a mutant with probability powers. Then she improbably became empowered by chaos magic. Then she became insane and killed a lot of people by accidentally on purpose. Later on she depowered about 90% of the mutants on Earth except for the really cool people like Harry Potter. Currently sane, depowered and hot in that really conservative, all covered up way. Living with Agatha Harkness maybe, but had an affair with someone she killed (Clint Barton).

Qualifications: Really smart. Nice person. Only occasionally insane. Has an awesome dad. Is able to make those hard decisions.

Possible Drawback: Cthon wants her in a not so nice way. Currently depowered until she feels like not being depowered.

Selene Gallio

Born 17 thousand years ago in central Europe, she's had plenty of time to learn things like magic and stuff. Over the ages she has become quite experienced with human sacrifice and defeating nasty guys like Kulan Gath. Used to hang around with Red Sonja when Marvel still had the license for RE Howard's stuff. She's immortal, she's evil and is currently the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club and working on a plan to resurrect dead mutants to make a mutant zombie army and have a whole bunch of dead people walking around. 'Nuff said!

Qualifications: 17,000 years of experience with mystical and mysterious stuff. Evil.

Possible Drawback: Wears practically nothing and it's cold in Scotland in the winter, but she was born during the last ice age, so that might not be a problem.

Nico Minoru

After discovering that her parents with part of the Pack, a group of LA based secret super-villains, she and her friends took off, stealing the Staff of the One. She later had a number of adventures that include, but aren't limited to: dating a would-be super-villain, nearly making out with a vampire, cutting herself a lot for magical reasons, and running away.

Qualifications: Comes with instant back up in the form of her buddies and fellow runaways. Also rides around in a mechanical toad. She is among the Sorcerer Supreme candidates and has black hair.

Possible Drawback: Not evil.


By the hory hosts of Hoggoth, this foul creature was born untold thousands or even millions of years ago in the dimension of the vastly powerful energy-entities called the Faltine, those fair creatures of energy and magic. Dormammu and his sibling Umar gathered matter to themselves to increase their power, a practice anathema to their fellow Faltine, becoming their dimension's mightiest wielders of the arcane arts. Ultimately, they were driven from their home dimension, the Faltine deeming their garnering of such energy intolerable, and assumed human form to explore others. Their search for conquests brought them to the Dark Dimension, a mystic realm riddled with natural warps into pocket universes within the dimension itself. (I copied that from Dr. Strange's diary, yep, that's how he writes.) Occasionally hang with Dr. Strange.

Qualifications: Knows his stuff and isn't afraid to use it. Irredeemably evil and arrogant. Wants to take over our dimension.

Possible Drawback: Sister is currently stalking the Hulk after their one night stand. Could cause problems.

Illyana Rasputina

Totally awesome Russian chick with a sword. Kidnapped as a child and taken to Limbo (the dimension, not the dance or party activity), her soul was mostly sucked out to be turned into a way for Belasco to take over Earth. She got better, turned into a teenager, became a total bad-ass with the New Mutants and then became a kid again after getting cut open. Then she died because of the Legacy Virus. Then Wanda Maximoff (see above) gave her a free rez and she had some adventures back in Limbo where the New X-Men visited. Stole some of Pixie's soul and made it into a cute little dagger. More recently took part in the Tri-Wizard tournament.

Qualifications: Successfully dominated an entire dimension as a child and ruled for years. Occasionally evil, but has a killer sense of humor. Walks softly and carries a big glowing sword of magical awesomeness.

Possible Drawback: Over protective older brother probably won't like it when she eventually tries to kill the students.

Agatha Harkness

Already 500 years old when Atlantis sank, she was and is a total bad-ass, even if she looks like an old lady. She's got a black cat, she's really scary and she's REALLY good with kids.

Qualifications: Thousands of years of experience, a black cat that turns into a badassed demon-cat, massive powerhouse, and looks like an old woman, but that last part's cuz she is really old. Taught me lots of stuff.

Possible Drawbacks: Occasionally deceased and sometimes takes care of Franklin Richards when his parents are in space or in other planes of existence.

“Hmmm...So many choices,” Albus said to himself.

“Albus! They all sound like horrid people except for Agatha Harkness and the Minoru person! How can you even possibly consider them?” McGonagall demanded in horror.

“Well, they do seem to fit the past hiring practices,” Flitwick commented sardonically.

“Okay, I'll grant you that,” McGonagall agreed. “But that doesn't mean we can't do better.”

“Well...he did say that he had some more suggestions...” Dumbledore said, trailing off.

“Pika Pika-Pika-pi!” said an officious looking yellow mouse. This translated to “Line up you house-elf rejects!”

The other yellow mice obligingly lined up in twenty-four perfect lines, nine mice deep. Every mouse was outfitted in gear closely resembling that of the allies in preparation for the Normandy assault in the Second World War. They completed the look with bipedal mouse sized rifles and radio equipment. They even had war correspondents and medics appropriately size gear. The officious mouse started pacing in front of the others with its hands clasped behind its back.

“Pika! Pi-Pika-pi-pi-Chu!” it said once more. This translated vaguely to: “This is it! The day we've been waiting for! So don't you pussy foot around! We're heading in there and we're gonna win! It don't matter if you see some freak in a black robe with an idiot's Halloween mask, we're gonna plow through them like Ghost Rider's motorcycle in a January snowstorm!”

It should be noted that the yellow electric mouse language is quite concise.

The mouse continued its tirade by puffing out its chest and cheeks, giving itself a look like a mouse impersonating a bulldog, and “pika”ed in a gruff tone. It translated somewhat like this:

“We shall go on to the end,

we shall fight in France,

we shall fight on the seas and oceans,

we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air,

we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,

we shall fight on the beaches,

we shall fight on the landing grounds,

we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,

we shall fight in the hills;

we shall never surrender!”

Moments later they were on the move. By the time they were done, they had taken about 96% of the death eater owned house elves as prisoners and killed the other 4%. Houses were ransacked, cleared out of everything they could take with them. And seeing as how Harry had supplied them with Bags of Holding and thousands of vials of Shrinking Solution, they took everything but the people and the houses.

All in all, it was a good day to thieve.

“Blimey! He's still singing!” Ron said in amazement and horror. Hermione looked up at her pink haired teammate and put on her best pleading eyes.

“Please, please make him stop,” Hermione begged.

Pixie just shrugged. “He's only half way through the Ring Cycle, so it'll be a while yet,” Pixie replied. She glanced over to a famiarl noise of flesh and skull on wood and stone. “Shouldn't someone keep Malfoy from injuring himself? He's been hitting his head against the walls and table for hours at this point.”

Hermione and Ron just shared a long look. Ron shrugged.

“Not like it's gonna make things any worse,” he said. “Might even make him a better person.”

Draco Malfoy grabbed Crabbe by the lapels and hauled the-bloody-hulking mass down to his eye level.

“Do you know who I am?” Draco demanded. “Do you? DO YOU?”

“Uh, yeah Malfoy, yeah I do,” Crabbe said nervously.

“Do you? No! No, you don't!” Draco said as he shook the massive minion with unnatural strength. “Because if you did you'd know that I AM A BANANA! I am a banana, I tell you!”

The rest of the school looked on in horror as the blond boy fell to the ground sobbing. After a long moment when no one said anything, Draco Malfoy got up to his feet, let go of Crabbe and started walking down to the dungeons, not even noticing the massive clang he made with every step.

“Sounds like someone forgot to get out of his costume,” Hermione said with a smirk. Ron was about to make a funny remark when Neville gasped in horror.

“Forsooth! I hath spilled tomato sauce on mine shirt! 'Tis no bother, I shalt just remove yon offending garment,” he said before stripping off his soiled shirt. About 80% of the women in the room passed out at the sight of Neville's divine bare chest. Another 10% was left short of breath and panting. The ratio was about 9% to 1% for the men.

Neville never noticed the nebulous noticing of nubile noticers. This negligent notice notified no normal nargles yet neglected newer gnomes.

Luna Lovegood looked on lovingly at Liliputian livery laced and laticed while latched and locked in 'leven loud long leads laced with LSD.

And no, no one else knew what Luna was talking about either.

Two hours later:

“Oh, thank Merlin for all that is blessedly magical and holy,” Hermione said as Harry paused in his singing. At the Hufflepuffs table, Cedric Diggory sat up and realized the show was over, promptly removed the magical cotton balls from his ears and a smiled, giving her a wave.

“Thanks Pixie!”

“Any time!” she said, waving back at her friend and teammate. She looked back Hermione, only to see the Crimson Witch living up to her name. Hermione's angry face was the color of her costume. Pixie took a step back in surprise. “What?”


“Go on!”

“Who else did you give those to?”

“Anybody who asked?”

“Consider yourself asked for next time!” Hermione demanded. A moment later, Harry finished his latest opera with a screech that-was-pure-evil, shattering the enchantment of the Great Hall's ceiling and causing darkness. Students screamed as their eyes struggled to adjust to the abrupt low light.

“Hmmm...” Harry said. “I only got two lines this chapter.”

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