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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,80715 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Angry Horses, Z-List Heroes and a Secret Invasion

The Magic Avengers were sitting in a room in an abandoned tower of Hogwarts in their full regalia. On the door was a sign that said: “No trespassing, totally secret, super-awesome ultimate mega Super-Hero meeting in progress.” On either side of the door stood Crabbe or Goyle, but since they were so much alike, few were sure which was which. Many doubted that even those two were really sure which was which.

Inside, Arthur Bea Wilson paced back and forth until the sun was streaming in the window, allowing him to steeple his fingers and let the sun reflect off his glasses, making the perfect Gendo Ikari impression.

“It has come to my attention...” Arthur said, pausing for dramatic...effect... … “That Albus Dumbledore has been replaced by... a Skrull.”

There were gasps around the table.

“No it can't be!”

“Oh no!”

“Wait, what's a Skrull?” asked Aluminum Lad.

“Aliens from another galaxy that want nothing better than to enslave the human race,” Pixie explained. “They can take anyone's shape, and some can even copy powers.”

“But shouldn't we have seen this?” the Crimson Witch asked.

“All the signs are there,” Arthur said. “He's been avoiding me. In fact, the other day when I randomly appeared in his office while he was fiddling with his devices, he didn't even offer me a lemondrop!”

That prompted another round of gasps a the table. It could have been prompted by either part of his statement, but the idea that the Headmaster wouldn't even try to push his favorite sweet was a telling clue.

“Wait,” Aluminum Lad said. “What's an alien?”

Pixie spent a few hours explaining the solar system, basic astrophysics and extraterrestrial life. Aluminum Lad didn't really understand, or believe she was telling the truth, but he nodded and pretended to agree ( but everyone knew that whole “earth revolving around the sun” crap was pure mudblood propaganda). His nodding was only noticeable since his eyes could be seen through the crack in his costume between the trashcan and the lid, causing the lid to clang with his nod.

“Okay, so what proof do you really have that he's a Skrull?” The Beetle asked, her special quill taking the notes.

“It's all there: the avoidance; the refusal to speak with me after spending about four or five years practically hanging off my every word; the attention to my life to the point of borderline stalking; the insistence on not meeting my eyes, something that's important for politeness; he sees me in the hall and pretends I don't exist,” Arthur explained. “He has clearly been replaced by someone, or someTHING that doesn't know how the real Albus Dumbledore would act. Ergo, Skrull.”



“So, there I was, in bed, and I got this call,” Johnny Blaze said at the pub. “Granted I was half asleep when I answered, but still, next thing I know I'm in London! Now, that's just not polite!”

“I know, I totally know what you mean,” said the man's drunken drinking partner. “Hey, did you know you're heads on fire? That must make it hard to drink.”

The Ghost Rider looked at the Minister of Magic, shook his head and ordered another firewhiskey.



Punisher's War Journal

Malfoy wasn't talking. He was remarkable in his ability to resist pain and torture. So I had to bring in a ringer from the mean streets of New York City. He might have the blues, but he gets things done.



Lucius was beaten bloody, his eyes almost swollen shut, his legs broken and splinted, but he wouldn't talk. His knee caps were cracked, only to be healed with a pilfered potion and cracked again, but still he wouldn't talk. He was beaten, burned, frozen and thawed, but still he wouldn't talk.

Then it stopped.

Lucius opened one bleary eye and glanced across the dimly lit room to the door as a giant silhouette appeared from the brightly lit hallway. His eyes were so swollen that he couldn't get a good look as the new interrogator sat down in a chair across from him. His interrogator waved something under his nose. It smelled like...chocolate? And macadamia nuts? A cookie?

“Hello Lucy,” a gruff, gravely voice said. “You know what Cookie starts with? Cookie starts with C.”

He paused as if to wait for Lucy to say something. Lucy didn't say anything because the Death Eater was more than a little befuddled by the comment.

Lucius looked up to see the creature across from him for the first time. Blue fur sticking out every which way; two googly eyes that seemed to look at everything in the room at once; two big paws; and a gaping black maw.

“Did you know that if you round off an L it look a little like a C?” the monster asked. “And L is for Lucy.” The monster looked him right in the eye and pointed at Lucius, then at the cookie in its hand. “And do you know what happen to Cookies?”

Lucius just looked back in horror.

The monster paused a moment more. “But it's important to remember that Cookie is a sometimes food,” the monster across from him said, getting close enough that Lucius could smell the cookie on its breath. “You eat Cookie after eating other nutritious foods, like Death Eater!”

“But I've told you people! I'm magically forbidden to talk!”

“NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM!” The monster said as it devoured the helpless snack. “That what happen to Cookies what don't talk.”

Lucius' blood curdling scream could be heard three blocks away.




Punisher's War Journal

He's lucky I didn't have to pull in the Swede.



Back at Hogwarts:




“But couldn't he have been replaced by some other kind of shapechanger?” The Crimson Witch asked. “We have several other kinds of magical beings in place, and it could just be polyjuice potion.”

“Nope, it's a Skrull,” Arthur said stubbornly. “And I've got proof!”

“Arthur, this had better not be like the proof you gave that Apocalypse was actually just an old guy in a suit with a blue smile,” Pixie said.

“Hey! I was right about that! It's not my fault the writers decided to retcon his origin! Totally not my fault!”

“Do we want to know?” Cedric, AKA Captain Magical Marvel asked Neville.

“Nay, most certainly not, for it hath a painful effect on thy psyche,” Neville replied. “What say thee, Friend Captain?”

Ron, AKA, Captain Hogwarts, looked up in surprise.

“Huh, you say something?” he asked. “Sorry, I was busy polishing my shield.”

“Ron, there be some things yeh jus' don' do at a meetin',” Half-Giant-Man, AKA Hagrid, told the red-head. He leaned over to whisper into the Beetle's ear. “I learned that when I brough' me blast-ended skrutes to a meetin' once. Albus Dumbledore was none too pleased. Good man, Dumbledore.”

The Beetle, AKA Rita Skeeter, looked slightly afraid. “Uh, that's nice...let's get back to the Skrull. What do Skrulls look like?”

Arthur Bea Wilson reached under the desk and pulled up a well beaten green person with a funky chin and green pointed ears. It was dressed in a form fitting purple costume and nothing else. “I found this one masquerading as NFL-SuperPro!”

“Who?”

“Z-List Superhero that the writer made up to get free tickets to an American Football game, true story,” Arthur explained, but he glanced down at his captive. “Although...maybe NFL SuperPro was a Skrull all along, it could explain the poor choice of costume... And theme... and pretty much the entire concept... although Skrulls are usually a bit better at infiltration...”

“How did you find out about NFL-er that guy?” Captain Magical Marvel asked.

“Wonder-Mutant-Dad got bored and decided to thin the herd a little,” Arthur explained. Pixie just facepalmed at what that statement could really mean.

“Speaking of your father, where is he?” The Crimson Witch asked.

“He's in the process of adding something to the school menu.”



In the Hogwarts Kitchen:

“Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga!”
“But what is being in a chimichanga?” Dobby asked.

“I don't really know, I just like saying the word: chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga,” Deadpool replied before pausing to snap his fingers while he looked at the readers suspiciously. That suspicion quickly passed when he got a new idea. “Hey! Let's fill the entire Great Hall with pancakes!”

“What kind?”

“How about jalapeno?”

“Okayses!”

“And why don't we send twice as many to my buddy Logan?”

“AOK!”



The Crimson Witch massaged her temples.

“I've got a bad feeling about this...” she said tiredly. “What's happening with the War Against Voldemort?”

“I've got someone on it.”



Punisher's War Journal

I've finally figured out how to bypass the defenses of Voldemort's hideout. It was actually easier than dealing with the Mob, since Death Eaters aren't quite as good as taking pain as they are dishing it out. They also have absolutely no experience or talent for psychological warfare or interrogation, rather they just choose to cast a few spells and expect things to work. They also don't expect people to be able to dodge. They called me a muggle, whatever that means, I called them target practice.

Lucius Malfoy has finally been very forthcoming about his “Dark Lord's” plan for taking over magical Britain. The guy is D-List at best. He thinks small, and seems to believe that the rest of the nation will just bend over and take it. He spent plenty of cash greasing palms, but now he's being converted into fertilizer for the Queen's gardens.

Mother always said learning to mulch was important.

I'm planning my assault tomorrow night to coincide with the plans to break the rest of the minions from Azkaban. A little bit of hair and one of these magic potions, I'll walk right in. Those Death Eaters won't even know I'm there until I start filling them full of holes.



“So, yeah, the Rodent issue is taken care of,” Arthur Bea Wilson replied. “Now getting back to the Skrullbus Dumbledore, we need to plan our attack.”

“You can't just attack the Headmaster! He's the most powerful wizard in the world!” The Bug (Rita Skeeter) protested.

“I think Doctor Stephen Strange would take offense at that statement,” Pixie muttered under her breath.

“Who?” The Bug asked.

“No, Dr. Strange,” Pixie repeated. “The Sorcerer Supreme, the greatest spellcaster on the planet. Or this dimension, it gets a little fuzzy sometimes.”

“You really shouldn't make up stuff like that,” Rita criticized. Incredulous faces abounded at the statement.

“We're not going to get too deeply into that subplot because this story has too many main characters as it is and the Author is getting annoyed with keeping up all the plot lines,” Arthur explained. “I think the Author shouldn't have written them in with us, in the first place, but it wasn't my decision, being a fictional character and all.”

The other Magic Avengers glanced at each other for a moment. “Riiight.”

“So, Albus is a Skrull?” The Crimson Witch said, changing the subject.

“Yes, so we need to arrange things so Jessica reveals his Skrullocity to the world, which may take some doing,” Arthur stated. “I'd consider bringing in some specialists on the subject, but well, my previous statement about too many main characters still stands.”

He paused a moment in thought.

“I'm seriously considering trade marking 'Skrullocity' as a word,” he mused.




It was a dark and stormy night. That it was night was to be expected as that happens once per turn of the earth, however, it was stormy because two mad scientist super-villains had created a device that was specifically designed to create theme lightning at properly dramatic moments. It also made the sound of an angry horse every time someone said the name “Blucher” but that was a glitch that would be eliminated with the 1.1234 patch update to come later that month.

Deep in the forgotten bowels of the Castle Hogwarts came the blood curdling cry of “It's alive! Alive!”

Luna Lovegood threw her hands into the sky as she watched her cybernetically reanimated puffskine rise up from the slab. “OH-HO-HO-HO-HO!”

She cackled with glee at the monstrocity she had created. From suitably dark shadows, her mad-scientist/super-villain mentor clapped lightly, the sound creating clangs that echoed throughout the dungeon.

“WELL DONE, MY APPRENTICE,” DOOM intoned as he raised a gauntleted palm towards the sky dramatically. “WE ARE NOW DONE WITH PHASE ONE OF YOUR TRAINING! SOON DOOM SHALL INTRODUCE YOU TO TRUE POWER!”

Lightning flashed dramatically behind him at the perfect moment.

“HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOUR SPECIAL PROJECT WILL BE, MY APPRENTICE?” DOOM asked.

“Well, I considered a mind control ray, but you said that anything having to deal with mind control just instantly summons the most powerful mental heroes within a few miles, so I scrapped that idea,” Luna explained. “Then I went for something a little less grand: an orbiting satellite with a big honken laser pointed at Earth.” She shrugged. “I figure it can be used to hold the planet hostage or to just have fun shooting at Death Eaters.” She looked up at the no-so-good Doctor with a puzzled look. “Would it be okay to make a hypnosis ring to use on my Housemates? They keep stealing my stuff. You'd really think that a House based around wit would know better than to pick on the crazy girl with the big honken space gun.”

“SOON THEY TOO SHALL LEARN!”

Lightning flashed dramatically as together they both indulged in high class, gender specific, evil laughter.
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