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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,30815 Dec 093 Sep 12No

They're gonna party like it's 1699





In his Dark Lair ™ , the Rodent of Death noticed something was wrong. He'd been having the feeling for some time, lurking in the back of his mind, but it was seemingly out of his grasp. He glanced around and looked up at Mulciber.

“Hey,” the Dark Lord of Dead Rodents said, “has anybody seen Malfoy lately?”

“No, my lord,” the black robed minion replied.

“Let's see... broke my most loyal and still living out of Azkaban, or at least Bellatrix says I did. I don't really remember. Check,” the Rodent of Death said, ticking it off his fingers. “Invaded My Arch-Nemesisisises mind. Check. Got obliviated on my own order. Check, not that I remember. Sent out my minions for the complete Golden Girls DVD box set with extended extras. Check. Indulged in some fast food pseudo-Mexican sustenance. Check. There's something I'm forgetting.”

“Taking the prophesy from the Department of Mysteries?” Mulciber suggested, hoping that speaking up didn't earn him a bout of magical torture.

“A prophesy? Why the hell would I do that? That sounds like a stupid plan!” the Rodent of Death replied.

“As you say, my Lord,” Mulciber replied diplomatically.

“Nah, I'm gonna have a party,” the Rodent of Death continued, ignoring his minion's presence completely. “It's gonna be a great party!”

“I'll send out the invitations immediately,” Crabbe said.

“Invitations?” The Rodent formerly known as Voldemort asked in a confused tone.

“For party guests,” Crabbe replied. “I have best penmanship in Death Eaters.”

“I was thinking we just show up, party until the sun comes up, then leave,” the Rodent countered. He turned to Bellatrix (who was looking on worriedly). “Invitations? Really?”

She just shrugged.

“No invitations, we party. Don't forget to bring your masks!” the Rodent declared excitedly. “Can't be a party without the masks.”

“You mean...?” Bellatrix said with a growing grin.

“Of course I mean,” the rodent replied. “Unless you mean something else entirely. At which point I don't mean.”

“A revel? No more hiding in the shadows doing nothing? A real revel? Just like the old days?” Mulciber asked incredulously.

“A party!” The Rodent of Death corrected sternly.

“Right, whatever you say, boss!” Mulciber replied with a sharp salute!

And there was much rejoicing.



Punisher's War Journal

I don't know what happened, but as soon as I was ready to begin my assault on Voldemort's compound, they all used magic to vanish. I can only conclude that my intell has somehow been compromised. The only thing to do is blow the headquarters to hell and gone then go back to having another chat with my old friend Lucius.



“Lucius, Lucius, Lucius,” Frank said as he walked around the chair. “I thought we had an understanding.”

“C is for cookie,” Lucius replied madly. “That's good enough for me! C is for cookie!”

“CM had better not have betrayed me,” Frank Castle muttered under his breath, turning towards the “nom-nom-nom-nom” coming from the kitchen.



“This is so peaceful,” Jean said with a contented sigh.

“We're fighting the new version of sentinels,” Scott countered as he dodged a giant purple hand trying to turn him into cyclopian paste.

“I know, but there's something about destroying giant killer robots that is so relaxing,” his wife replied, absently flicking one purple robot with telekinesis and separating its head from its body.

“I think it's because Harry's not here right now,” Scott Summers replied as he blasted another with a bright red beam.

“Are you sure? Because normally I worry about what he's gotten into,” Jean said as she summoned up the Phoenix Force and reducing the Sentinels into their elemental components.

“You know, honey, I really don't think red is your color,” Scott said nervously. “Maybe you should go back to the green costume.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. The other X-Men looked at her worriedly. There was a silent moment broken only by the rumbling of her stomach. “Gosh, I'm hungry enough to eat a star system.”

“Yes, very sure. Red clashes with your hair, anyway,” Husk said, pushing the older woman towards the Blackbird jet. “Green costume, maybe some calming oils for a long, hot bath and a nice big salad.”

“You know, that sounds great,” Jean agreed.

Scott stared after them and started to rub his temples to work the ache out. Puffing on a cigar, Wolverine clapped him on the back.

“She chose you, Cyke,” the hirsute mutant said. “She chose you.”

“You know, I bet it's because Harry's not here to focus her rage on,” Scott pondered absently.

Logan paused and thought about it. “You know, you're probably right about that.”



At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all was not quite so well.

“HARRY POTTER! HOW DARE YOU SET ME UP WITH A SEMI-SENTIENT ROBOT VERSION OF MYSELF!!” Hermione Granger bellowed. Curses flew down the corridor as Hermione, who was still struggling to extricate herself from her clingy LMD dressed up in red, yellow and green, tried her level best to destroy the source of 90% of her life's suffering.

“Harry flee puny Crimson Witch,” Harry the Allosaurus said (wearing only a pair of tattered purple pants) worriedly as he charged down the corridor, eliciting screams from those students and faculty who were doing their best to get out of the way, his massive body and gigantic feet making the castle shake with each frantic step.

“Don't kill him! I still have a lot of uses for him!” Pixie called out as she flew after Hurricane Hermione.

“See? He told you that you'd eventually go insane and try to kill the rest of the team, after you got involved with a robot,” Wonder-Mutant-Dad said, popping out from the shadows. “Do I know my son or what?”

“I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!” Hermione swore at the top of her lungs, sending out spells from her wand that most people would never seen before and others no one had, because the witch was making them up as she went along. Wonder-Mutant-Dad was hit by a mauve curse that turned him inside out, then into a fish, then into a peanut then back into himself, or at least a version of himself.

“My doorknobs! You ruined my doorknobs!” Wonder-Mutant-Dad aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson exclaimed in horror.

“Hmm...” Luna Lovegood said as she saw what was going on. “It seems I have some unanticipated competition.”

“DON'T WORRY, THIS CAN'T BE HALF AS BAD AS THE ORIGINAL EVENT,” Doom said. “DOOM PERSONALLY OBESRVED SPIDER-MAN TURN INTO A SPIDER ONLY TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIMSELF. THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AS BAD.”

“Very true,” Luna replied. “Do you think we can go back to working on my orbital death ray cannon?”

“DOOM WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO,” the not-so-good Doctor replied.







Harry banked slightly as he went into a turn slightly too fast for his gigantic frame. “Owe! Harry smash puny Hogwarts unintentionally.”

“Hey! Be careful!” Captain Magic Marvell aka, Cedric Diggory cautioned. “We need to escape too!”

“Thou must trust Good Harry, for he hath saved thy life twice now,” Neville Longbottom, Warrior of Asgard intoned. He wisely ducked as a spell made a nearby gargoyle turn into a fluffy pink rabbit with nasty big pointy teeth. “Though I doth be most confused by his choice of robot. Why chooseth one which doth look so much like Lady Hermione?”

“He said it had something to do with it being the only way he could put her into a quasi-incestuous relationship,” Cedric answered. “Something about how she was an only child and how there isn't any quicksilver to fill in the blanks. I'm not sure what Mercury has to do with anything and I'm not sure why that's important, but he seemed to think it was.”

“Ah, but allow us to focus on flight and safe passage,” Neville replied.

“Easy for you to say!” Aluminum Lad said as he struggled to keep up with the massive strides of Harry the Allosaurus. “She's trying to curse me and I didn't even do anything to her this time! You could at least pull me up!”

Half-Giant-Man reached down and grabbed the yellow trashcan and hefted him up onto the back of Harry the Allosaurus.

“MAGIC AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!” Harry called out when they were at the gates of Hogwarts. He looked out and saw a Death Eater party in full swing. “Is that Voldemort skank dancing? He's actually pretty good.”

“Wait, what?” Half-Giant-Man asked as they came to sudden halt. Newtonian forces too over and the riders continued on, looking like they were flying into the fray. Half-Giant-Man came down like a ton of lead on Dolohov's tuckus. Captain Magic Marvel flew, in full costume, fists out, into Mulciber who let out a sound of pain as the air left his lungs.

“See Readers? Isn't this what you were waiting for all along?” Wonder-Mutant-Dad asked the readers. “A good, old fashioned, Us VS. Them battle to the finish?”

“YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT OF HERE ALIVE!” Hermione bellowed, prompting the Death Eaters to suddenly worry that Hogsmeade might not have been the best place to have their party.

“Or not,” Wonder-Mutant-Dad said worriedly, as the Crimson Witch summoned up a gigantic golem the shape of Galactus that started stomping on people.

Captain Hogwarts threw his shield, blocking a killing curse headed right for the irate Crimson Witch. The shield bounced off a window, sending a wave of broken glass down on Goyle's head, before slamming into Mulciber's head just as Neville brought his sword up to cleave Bellatrix in two. The shield provided enough of a distraction for the witch to get out of the way, letting Neville's sword pass cleanly through a new recruit. Ron, still disguised as Captain Hogwarts, ran up grabbed the shield and started to bash people in skull masks until they fell unconscious.

“Crap!” Aluminum Lad said. “I'm not even supposed to be here today!”

Unfortunately for Draco Malfoy, guilt by association was in effect and a number of irate Death Eaters started after the trashcan wearing boy, blaming him for breaking up their party. He ran screaming, the Death Eaters charging after him, which lead them perfectly in Hermione Granger's line of fire. The five nameless Death Eaters were quickly turned into sea slugs, wriggling in suffering as they tried in vain to absorb oxygen.

The Incredible Harry the Allosaurus was just gleefully stomping on Death Eaters with his big, giant scaly feet.

“HARRY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” the entire Magic Avengers called out as they struggled with their foes.

“Dad! Even you?” the Dinosauramagis asked in a pained voice. Well, as pained as a wizard transformed into a dinosaur can sound.

“You made me lose my doorknobs!”

“Okay, I'll give you that one.”

The End?

The author is currently looking for one or more beta readers for this story. If you are interested, please email the author or leave a private review.

You have reached the end of "Thinking in Little Green Boxes" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 3 Sep 12.

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