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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596425,33515 Dec 093 Sep 12No

A little time passes...

“Arrrthur! I’m baaaack!” came the familiar singsong voice from his window. Harry jumped out of bed and gave his resurrected father a hug.

“Dad! I defeated the Serpent Society!”

“I heard, good job,” Deadpool said, grinning under his mask. “What do you say we have a nice Father/Son camp out on X’s lawn?”

“I think it would be awesome,” Harry said. Climbing out from his second story window, he slid down the vines and landed next to his old man. The fire was nice. They dug a hole right in the yard and filled it with sticks and started a fire.

“I got you some presents,” Deadpool said, reaching into a bag. He pulled out two packages. The first was round and wrapped up in gold colored paper. The other was flat and wide, like a picture frame. Harry chose to open the flat one first. It was green and black. Harry grinned like a Latverian peasant who just got a visa to leave the country.

“Dad! I always wanted my own thought box!”

‘Is it working?’ thought Harry in the little green box.

‘I think it is,’ thought Deadpool in his own little yellow box.

“We’re good,” said Harry with a little thumbs up.

“Open your other one. I’m really proud of it.” Harry gave it a little shake. There was a sound like something throwing up from inside the ball. Peeling off the paper, Harry revealed a tiny gray person in a funball.

“Awe! It’s my own supervillain!” Harry exclaimed with glee.

“Wilson! I’m gonna F#cking kill you for this,” bellowed the diminutive Rhino. “You’re giving me to your goddamned kid? You’re gonna die flat Wilson! Flat and Slow!”

“What? It’s better than being flushed,” Deadpool said with a shrug. “It’s your own fault. You shouldn’t do what you did.”

“What did he do?”

“It was a fate worse than death,” Deadpool said in all honestly. “It was disco.”

The look on Harry’s face was remarkably similar to people who witnessed mass atrocities: Galactus level atrocities. Seeking to change the subject, Deadpool looked up and saw a snowy owl staring at them from a branch with a letter in its mouth.

“You know, Arthur, I’m getting kinda hungry,” Deadpool commented to his son. “How does owl sound?”

“Hooo! Hooo! Hooo!” Harry said with a grin.

===== ===== ====== ====== =======

Dear Daddy Deadpool,

Thanks for the birthday presents a while back. Too bad Logan tried to kill you. But I know you’ll get better. It was just an arm after all. And thanks for the roast owl. It wasn’t quite as good as bald eagle, but it was better than macaw.

I’m using the thought box to think right now. The new pet is great. Nancy and the snakes think he’s great fun. Scotty Summers (he hates it when I call him that) found out about the new pet and tried to take him away from me. They said it wasn’t ethical, whatever that means. I just asked if it was better for him to be out causing mayhem. The Professor said he’d think about it. So for now Aleksei’s staying with me. Did you know they’ve got all of Dazzler’s albums here? They even have a few recordings that never went on record. Aleksei’s listening to all of them. I’m still thinking of painting his fun ball red and white.

Weird things are happening. Owls keep showing up. I was going to kill a few and put them in the freezer, but Logan says some of them are endangered. But he agrees they taste good. He recommends having them with baked apples. I think we should try that next time. Right now, the X-Men are capturing the owls and handing them over to Fish and Game and seeing if it’s an attack from my arch enemy who can speak to owls. Owls vs. Snakes. Makes sense to me.

There are letters for some guy called Harold Potter. I wanted to open one up, but Jean says it’s not nice to open other people’s mail. It’s too bad. Somebody really wants to get in touch with this guy.

I’m doing well in my classes. It’s funny cuz most of these guys only teach people a little older, and I’m keeping right up in everything but Ethics. I don’t know why I’m not doing well. Gambit says it’s because I inherited your moral flexibility. He didn’t explain what it was. And what does Thomas Lock have to do with anything? I really like biology the best because we get to dissect live frogs while they’re alive. It’s all very Frankensteinian. I named mine Ribbet Mortis. It was fun until it zipped up its stomach and jumped out the window. I didn’t know frogs could do that.

I somehow manage to turn Professor X blue. He wasn’t happy. I tried to turn him back, but he ended up hot pink. They’re doing tests to see if it’s part of my mutant genome. I know I didn’t do it on purpose the first time, (they think it was an accident the rest of the times). I also turned Beast’s fur invisible, which is cool for him, cuz he looks more human now, but he also keeps forgetting he’s got fur, so his clothing looks all puffy. He’s also looking balder than the Professor. Well, I’ve got to go walk the snakes and feed them stray cats and dogs. They don’t like mice anymore. I’ll write you later.

Your son,
Harry
Arthur Bea Wilson (after I put on the mask)

===== ===== ====== ====== =======

“Professor! I just saw a giant guy hanging outside the gate,” Iceman reported. “He wore a trench coat, so I wonder if he’s going to attack the mansion.”

“Was he carrying anything?” the professor asked.

“An umbrella,” Iceman reported.

“Could be a concealed gun,” Logan said before taking a swig of his beer.

“Do nothing unless he enters the compound,” the professor said.

The man in question walked around the outside several times. He seemed confused by the entrance. He tried the gate, but it was securely locked.

“It’s like he doesn’t want to barge in and he doesn’t know how to use a doorbell,” Iceman commented. They watched at the hulking figure paced around the front of the gate.

“I’m going to just call the police,” said Professor X.

== == == == ==

“Care to tell me what you’re doing here?” the officer asked.

“I er, I need to get inside,” said the hulking figure.

“And why is that?”

“I have business inside,” he replied.

“That’s not what the owner of the house said when he called us,” the patrol officer said. “He said you’d been pacing out here for nearly a half hour. What’s your name mister?”

“I er, Hagrid,” the large man said. "Rubeus Hagrid."

“Why don’t you come down town with us and we can sort all this out?”

“I’m rather busy. I need to talk to a boy in there,” Hagrid said, pointing to the mansion behind him.

“Despite the fact it tends to suffer massive damage on a regular basis, the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning is a prestigious private school for gifted people. Strictly invitation only,” the second officer said. “If you were supposed to be inside, you would already be inside.”

Soon enough, the officers were guiding the large man into the back seat.

“’business with a boy’? Honestly, I don’t know where these perverts come from,” the patrolman said, the other cop just shook his head sadly. Both gave a respectful nod to the mansion before they drove away.

== == == == ==

Three weeks later, there was a middle aged man in a dress at the front gate. It was the kind of dress that went out of fashion in the late 50s and had obviously been discolored by age. Carefully, he leaned over and pressed a button on the gate intercom.

“Uh, hullo?”

Scot Summers was the first to reach the intercom. “Yes?”

“Uh, is there a Mr. Harry Potter there?”

“No, and please stop sending letters to him here,” Cyclops said.

“Oh, so the owls were arriving,” the man said in surprise. “That means he is here.”

“There is no one by the name of Potter here,” Cyclops said with an exasperated sigh.

“Um, brown hair, green eyes and a scar on his forehead?” the voice through the intercom asked. Scott and Jean shared a look.

“Why don’t you come up and we’ll talk this over,” Jean said, pressing the button to open the gate. “If he doesn’t behave, we can just read his mind to find out. There’s nothing he can do here.”

“It’s a guy in a dress,” Scott said in disbelief.

“Yes, dear, some people do that,” Jean said.

“I’m just saying usually transvestites have a little better sense of fashion,” Scott commented as they watched the guy enter the compound. The guy waddled up to the door where he was met by a particularly annoyed Rogue. Without a word she just picked him up by the shirt and dragged him to the living room.

“Did I interrupt something?”

“Yes!” snarled Rogue, glancing over her shoulder at Gambit.

“Oh, sorry,” said the manhandled man. She deposited him right in front of Professor Xavier.

“Do sit down, Mr…?”

“Weasley, Arthur Weasley,” the man said. He glanced around. “Where is Harry? I was hoping to meet him.”

“Harry is currently away while he assists one of my fellow professors,” Xavier lied smoothly. Truth be told, Harry had hidden himself away in the Black Bird when Logan and a few others were heading down to the Savage Land. They were expected back sometime that afternoon.

“Oh, well, Professor Dumbledore wanted me to pick him up after Hagrid vanished,” Arthur said.

“So you are associated with the man who was arrested three weeks ago,” the professor asked calmly. He started reading the man’s mind. Arthur Weasley was positively ecstatic about the possibility of getting arrested.

“Oh, blimey, I’ve never been arrested by muggle cops. Do you think I could before I go back to England?”

“I think there might be a distinct possibility of that happening, yes,” the professor said blithely. Scott, looking on, wisely covered his face to hide the grin. Jean had to almost leave the room. “So, why don’t you tell us exactly why you are here?”

“Well, ten years ago Harry’s parents were killed and Harry was brought to his aunt and uncle’s place. Only they never got him,” Arthur said.

“We have only your word on that,” the professor said. He passed on his mental reading to his watching students. [He believes everything he is saying. There is more, something about Harry defeating a Dark Lord. He’s so afraid of the person, he refuses to even think the name.]

“Well, Harry’s got some good magic in him and since he’s turning eleven this summer, we figured he should go to Hogwarts,” Arthur Weasley said. He was frantically glancing around. “Oh, is that a twelly?”

“I assume you mean ‘telly’ the British slang for television,” Professor Xavier said in a dry tone. “Now getting back to-“

“And that’s when you came in and attacked the T-Rex,” an excited ten year old voice said from the other room.

“Yeah, I remember that part,” Logan said, using a claw to cut the end off a new cigar. “What made you think crawling into a Rex nest was a good idea?”

“I was going to get a couple of eggs to hatch,” Harry said honestly.

“Well, I guess Harry’s back,” Arthur said excitedly as the two walked into the living room

“So, who’s the guy in the dress?”

===========================================

Later, after a few things were explained:

“I’m a wizard?”

“Yes, Harry, like your father before you,” Arthur said.

“Wait, let me call my dad and ask him about this,” Harry said, pulling out a cellphone. He let it ring for a while before Daddy Deadpool picked up. “Hey, Daddy, it’s me.” Harry listened for a bit and then turned back to the others. “He’s in the process of killing a Genosian mutant labor baron that escaped with his millions after you guys busted up the place.”

The X-Men suddenly had a very worried look on their faces. There was a loud bang from the phone’s speaker.

“Oh, are you done?” Harry asked. “Oh, cool. There’s a guy in a dress here…yeah, that actually is what I called you about… … … Oh no, he claims I’m a wizard…Yeah, he wants to take me to some place in the UK…No, I don’t think he wants to give me Excalibur, although that would be totally awesome. Wait are we talking about the super team or the sword? Oh, the sword, well that makes more sense…No, he’s trying to turn on the TV…I don’t know why, it’s kinda like he’s never seen one before in his life…Yeah, freaky…the dress is too old to look good on Bea Arthur…Al Franken maybe…Oh Tony Stark certainly... so you did find me in England…Oh, thanks…No, Aleksei is doing great. I got him a new cage…I tried to get Hank to program the danger room to make a mouse maze for him, but he wouldn’t do it…Okay, cool, later.”

Harry looked up at the adults. “Wow, I just found out I’m British. Does anyone have a Walther PPK? I’m fresh out.”



After another bit of sorting out the facts, Arthur and Harry sat down under the watch of Cyclops and Jean. They pretended to be playing cards, but were watching the situation quite intently.

“My last name is Potter?”

“Yes, an old and noble wizarding name.”

“No it’s not,” Harry said. “It’s a guy who makes pots. And not the kind you smoke.”

“Yes it is,” Arthur Weasley argued.

“Look, I like playing in the mud as much as the next kid, but that’s a work name, not a noble name,” Harry said. “McCoy, Grey, Summers, those could be noble names. Potter’s the name of a peasant.”

“There have been many wizards from the Potter family since ancient times,” Arthur explained. “You are the last of their kind.”

“So wait, let me get this straight,” Harry said. “You come here, tell me I’ve got this power. Ends up my parents are dead and this Dark Lord killed them. You say with training I can use the same power my father had. Isn’t this where you give me my father’s lightsaber and tell me that one day I too can become a Jedi?”

“What’s a lightsaber? And what’s a Jedi?”

“Never mind,” Harry said, a little disappointed. He glanced over at Cyclop’s shaking shoulders. “Scotty, what’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Scott Summers said before telling Jean to Go Fish. “I just thought of an old joke.”

“Okay,” Harry said. “So what happens if I choose to go to this Hog’s Warts place?”

“Hogwarts is the finest wizarding school in Europe, closely followed by two others,” Arthur Weasley said. “Did you say something about a smoking pot?”

“Yeah, but I’m not supposed to know about it,” Harry said. He pointed to Iceman who chose right then to walk through. “But I have it on good authority that he can tell you about it though.”

“Who me?” asked an overly innocent looking Bobby Drake.

“Yup,” said Harry. “So, what proof do you have of this place? And magic? I want some proof.”

“Actually, there’s a statute of secrecy, so I’m not supposed to cast any spells in front of muggles,” Arthur Weasley explained.

“So you want me to believe something and you don’t want to give me any proof,” Harry said. “And what’s a muggle?”

“A non-magical person,” answered the visiting wizard.

“Well then show off, we all know about magic, and besides, that law’s in England; we’re in the States,” Harry said. “And I’m pretty sure they don’t have extradition for magic use.” Harry said. “I mean, Dr. Strange lives in New York City in the funkiest house on the block. Magic isn’t really a secret. The Scarlet Witch is an Avenger! Do your woogidy thing and cast!”

“Who is Dr. Strange?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Great, the wizard here doesn’t even know this dimension’s Sorcerer Supreme. That really instills me with confidence.”

[He’s starting to talk like you, Jean] Scott told her through their mental link. [Aside from his sarcastic tone.]

[Unfortunately, he still takes after Deadpool the most,] Jean replied.

“Very well,” Arthur said with a shrug. He pulled out his wand and turned the coffee table into a bright green sea turtle. Harry looked at it with a certain gleam in his eyes.

“Okay, I’m in, but I get to keep my pets.”

=== === === ===

Jean and Scott watched as the child they had grown to see as their own surrogate child packed up to leave for England. Jean was a little saddened by Harry leaving, but she knew he wasn’t really hers.

“What is it?”

“It’s just, Little Harry’s leaving for England to learn a wide range of reality bending powers,” Jean said. Cyclops pulled her into a comforting half hug.

“Don’t worry, this can’t possibly be as bad as the time he stole Dr. Doom’s credit card and bought everything under the sun.”

In Latveria, a certain monarch was looking at his visa bill.

“Who dares defile DOCTOR DOOM’S credit score?”

=== === === ===

Professor Xavier was looking out the window, enjoying the first long stretch of quiet he’d had since Logan took Harry to the Savage Land. His tea was hot, the sun was out and the grass was green. All in all, it was a pretty good day.

“Professor?”

“Yes, what is it Hank?” Charles Xavier asked as he turned around in his hover chair. The blue furred mutant scientist Hank McCoy held a printout in his hands.

“We have the results of the genetic test,” Beast said, gripping the paper. “Harry is a mutant.”

“Oh, really, then his ability to talk to snakes…?”

“No, that’s not his mutant power,” said a very worried Hank McCoy. “I didn’t want to say anything, considering your…issue.”

“Hank, I have long since come to terms with my inability to walk,” the Professor said, waving the thought away.

“That’s not really what I meant.” Hank hesitantly passed the print out over. “Harry’s mutant power. It’s hair regeneration.”

“What?”

“Harry will never go bald.”

“Are you serious?”

“And his hair will never go gray,” Beast said quickly. The professor gave him a long silent look before just floating back to his office.

And that’s why Professor Charles Xavier became Onslaught.

======= ======= =======

Next time:

Look out Diagon Alley!
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