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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,31715 Dec 093 Sep 12No

The Mall it isn't...

“So this is Hogwarts?”

“No, Harry, this is Diagon Alley,” Arthur said. “The greatest shopping center in the Wizarding World. This is where we’ll get everything you need for school.”

“Really? Because it looks like the outpatient wing at Arkham Asylum,” Harry said. “What? Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. I know it’s from DC comics. I’m nothing if not a hypocrite.”

Arthur shrugged and continued on. “I don’t know where Hagrid went to, he was originally supposed to retrieve you, but I’m perfectly willing to help you out. Four of my own children are going to Hogwarts this year. One is the same age as you. Molly!” he called out, waving to a redheaded woman the same age. “Molly, the love of my life,” he explained. “My wife of many years.”

“Oh, so this is Mr. Harry Potter,” she said, holding him by the shoulders. “Oh, you look so much like your father James. But you have your mother’s eyes.”

“My father’s name was James?” Harry asked. He turned to Arthur Weasley. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“Well, I naturally assumed you’d know your Dad’s name,” Arthur stammered out.

“I do, it’s Wade Wilson,” Harry said. “I didn’t even know my last name was Potter. What makes you think I’d know my biological parents’ names?”

“That was a prompt for you to tell me my mother’s name.”

“Sorry, Harry, your situation is just so very different from everyone else’s,” Arthur said. “Molly, why don’t you take Ron and get his things. I’m bringing Harry here to Gringott’s.”

“What’s that?”

“The Wizarding Bank. It’s run by goblins,” the older wizard explained. “There you’ll be able to get out some Wizard money from your family’s vault.”

“Huh, so you guys don’t have accounts like the rest of the world,” mused Harry.

Gringott’s was a strange place. It’s not that Harry was unfamiliar with non-humans. It’s rather that he wasn’t used to them living and working in neo-classical architecture that looked like it was about to fall down.

“This is Harry Potter, he would like to go into his vault to get some money, if you could escort him, please?” Arthur asked politely. “I’ll be going to my own.”

Harry enjoyed the ride. It was the rather sudden stop that made him want to loose his lunch. The goblin opened the vault and revealed piles of gold, silver and bronze.

“Wow, is this real gold?”

“Yes it is, Mr. Potter,” the goblin said. “And it is all yours.”

“How much does one of these coins weigh?” Harry asked, holding up a gold coin.

“Three ounces standard, Mr. Potter,” the goblin said.

“And how much is this worth in real world money? If I were to exchange them I mean.”

“Approximately five British Pounds,” the goblin said.

“Okaayy,” said Harry. “I’m going to need as many of these as I can carry.”

‘And then I need to check gold rates,’ he thought.

“’Ey, Art’ur,” called out Tom, the landlord of the Leaky Cauldron. “T’at Potter kid’s been runnin’ back an’ fort’ t’rough ‘ere fer a while. Keeps runnin’ to Gringott’s an’ back.”

“I had wondered where he had gotten to,” Arthur said with a smile. “Thanks Tom.”

Soon enough, Arthur caught Harry as he was passing through once again. “Whoa, Harry, what have you got there?”

“Oh, just a bag of money,” Harry said as if it were an everyday occurrence. “Got to get back to the Bank and put this in my account.”

“Where’d you get it?”

“Oh, just exploiting a bug,” Harry said. “MissingNO’s got nothing on this.”

“Bugs?” Arthur said, uncomprehending. “MissingNO?”

“It’s a muggle thing,” Harry said before running back to the Bank. Arthur followed, concerned about what had him in such a tizzy. The young would-be wizard ran right up to the front desk. “Here’s the last one for today. Just leave me a hundred galleons and put the rest in my vault.”

“Well, Harry, I knew the Potters were well to do, but those are some impressive funds,” Arthur Weasley said, squashing a bit of envy.

“Heh, we just got a whole lot richer,” Harry said with an exploitive smirk. “So, what’s next?”

“Next we get you a wand,” Arthur said.

Ollivander’s Wands, the sign said. Not literally of course. Of course not literally. Arthur lead the wayward Harry inside to find a man not unlike the goblins in the bank. The store was filled from floor to ceiling with little boxes, all the same length.

“Little Harry Potter, welcome to Ollivander’s Wands,” the man said.

“This guy says I need a wand,” he said, pointing to Arthur over his shoulder.

“Yes, every witch and wizard has a wand,” Ollivander said. He glanced around and picked a box. “Give this a swish.”

Harry did so and fireballs went flying out from the tip. Grinning like a madman, he swished it again. “I’ll take it!”

Arthur and Ollivander stumbled over themselves trying to tell him that it didn’t quite work that way. Ollivander handed him a different one. Lightning bolts.

“Any chance I could get a Wand of Cold as well? That would almost round out the set,” Harry said.

“You see, we need to find the wand that will work best for you, not the one that has the most spectacular effect,” Ollivander said in a slightly panicked tone. Harry rolled his eyes.

“Fine, I’ll take that one too,” Harry said in an exasperated tone.

“It doesn’t work that way!”

“Sensitive much?” Harry said. “I don’t know why you want to sell less. I’m willing to buy four wands at full price and you just want to sell me one. Most wizards only buy one, right? You rarely have to replace them. Ergo, you don’t have much repeat business. You really aren’t much of a businessman are you? This place is probably gonna be boarded up in a few years.”

“You ungrateful son of a kronket,” Ollivander hissed under his breath.

“I don’t know what a kronket is, but I bet my dad could take it,” Harry said. They had a staring match for some minutes, neither giving an inch.

“Fine, I’ll let you buy the wands, but we’re going to find one that fits first,” Ollivander grumbled.

Harry grinned. “I totally rule.”

As soon as they were out of the wand shop, Arthur brought Harry to a shop filled with cages. “Here’s where you get your familiar Harry.”

“What’s a familiar?”

“It’s a companion animal that performs tasks for you,” Arthur explained. “My family has two, an owl and a rat.”

“Oh, I don’t need one of those,” Harry said. “I’ve got an Aleksei.”

“What?” Arthur asked, momentarily shaken. “Must be a muggle thing,” he muttered under his breath. “I’d like to hear all about it in the future. But, all the same, you should have at least an owl for communication.”

“No, that’s why my cell phone is for,” Harry said, waving a little black and white phone.

“Oh, I think you’ll find the wards in magical places will shock those,” Arthur said. “It does so to many muggle artifacts.”

“Meh,” said Harry with a shrug.

“If you read the letter, it clearly says you’re only allowed an Owl, a Cat or a Toad,” Arthur said.

“Well, I’ve got two pythons and a tiny guy in a rhinoceros costume with an obsession with disco,” Harry said.

“Ooo, what’s Disco?”

“A travesty against nature,” Harry said. “But it helps keep him under control.”

“Although I am a little worried about you having snakes,” Arthur said. “They might think you’re under the wrong kind of influence. But we’ll see once you arrive at Hogwarts.”

“Hey, with the intent on changing the subject,” Harry said, “Why are all these people staring at me?”

“To tell the truth, you’re rather famous in the Wizarding World Harry,” Arthur admitted. “What with you being the only survivor of when You-Know-Who killed your parents, they were quite impressed. Everyone knows your name. They’re so very glad you came to Hogwarts after all those many years.”

“Great, so I’ve been transported to the Elemental Plane of Cheers Reruns,” Harry grumbled. “After being ignored as a superhero for two years, I’m a celebrity because my DNA donors kicked it. That makes me real happy.” He looked up at Arthur with a flat expression. “That was sarcasm, if you didn’t catch it.”

“er, yes, well,” stammered the older wizard. He pulled out a ticket. “Here’s your ticket. Best be off. And here’s an owl. I figured you could use one anyway.”

Arthur Weasley looked down at Harry with a confused look. “Why are you talking with an English accent now?”

“Oh, I just had the writer retcon me so I always spoke this way,” Harry said with a shrug. And then Harry was off. He didn’t look back, but if he had he would have seen Arthur Weasley shaking his head sadly.

“Poor boy,” Mr. Weasley said. “Doomed to Slytherin. Bloody Yanks.”

= == === ==== ===== ======

Harry didn’t finish there. Having a huge bag of galleons burning a hole in his pocket, he felt the need to buy as much as possible. Seeing one random wizard he walked up to ask a question.

“Hey, where can I get a Bag of Holding?” Harry asked.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean,” said the witch.

“A Mary Poppins bag.”

“I don’t quite know what that means,” admitted the witch.

“It’s a bag that’s bigger on the inside than the outside and keeps things in stasis until they’re pulled out,” Harry explained.

“Oh, yes, you can get something like that at the trunk shop down the way,” she said pointing.


“Such a nice boy,” said Andromeda Tonks as she walked on towards Twilfitt and Tatting's for a new dress.

Harry continued on to the store in question and bought a small trunk that he was assured would fit everything he had. When he asked if they had kennels for rather large pythons he was sent over to Magical Menagerie.

“I’d like to inquire about the parrot I bought not half an hour ago from this very boutique,” Harry said with a grin. The shop keep just looked at him confused. “Never mind. I need a cage for a ninety-five pound python and a supply of food. Then I need a cage for a seventy-three pound boa with a tendency to escape. Nancy really likes toes (which is weird because he’s a constrictor type snake), so I have to keep an eye on him. And If I could get a leash for both that would be awesome.”

“That’s quite an order,” the shopkeeper said.

Harry grinned and showed the open trunk full of galleons. “Well I was hoping I could trade some of this for those things I need.”

“I think we might be able to figure something out,” the shopkeeper said with a grin of greed.

Glancing around he noticed a cage full of pink and yellow balls of fur. “And I’ll take all the tribbles you’ve got.”

“Those are puffskeins,” the shopkeeper explained. Harry shrugged.

“Whatever, you’ve got the tribbles, I’ve got the money and later I can add the trouble,” the young wizard said. “Oh, and I need supplies for a three inch Rhino.”

“A three inch Rhino?”

“Oh, they're all the rage with under aged mutants in Westchester, New York,” Harry said. ‘Of course, there was only one underage mutant there until recently. Now there isn’t any.’

A successful transaction done, Harry continue next shop on his list: Slug & Jiggers Apothecary. There he just walked in, opened his trunk and said: “I’ll take it all.”

“Material components, familiars, presents, ah-ha! Clothing!” Harry said going over his list. “Madame Malkin’s. Sounds like a brothel.”

Harry walked inside and tromped right up to the counter. “Hi, I’m looking for some clothing. I lost my last batch in an accident involving cyborgs, a couple of Shiar and a Brood, and all I’ve got left is on my back. I’m looking for a wide range. I’m also looking for presents for people.”

“Are you going to Hogwarts as a first year?” Madame Malkin asked from the other side of the counter.

“That’s what they tell me,” grinned Harry.

“You wouldn’t happen to be Harry Potter would you?”

“Nope, I’m his son from an alternate future that no longer exists,” Harry said with a straight face. Madame Malkin didn’t quite know what to say to that. “Nah, I’m only joking. I am Harry Potter.”

“Oh, because that didn’t quite make sense.”

“Of course not. It’s one of the three laws of comic books,” Harry said. “One: Trench coats and fedoras are the best disguise anyone can buy, and you’ll never be recognized in them. Two: The title character and Jean Grey never die permanently. And Three: Comic book time doesn’t make sense.”

“I’ll, er, I’ll have to take your word on that,” she said. “Now, what were you saying about clothing?”

He handed her a piece of paper with sizes and photos of the people he was buying for. “I need something for all of them. Since I found the Rare Candy bug in the Wizarding World, I should at least spread it around a little.”

Madame Malkin clearly didn’t know what to make of that. Instead she hurried into the back room to fill his order.

“ are Harry Potter,” said a voice behind him. Harry spun around to see a blond kid about the same age.

“Nope, I’m actually a skrull who took Harry Potter’s place in an attempt by alien religious extremists to take over the Earth,” Harry said. “We copied all the major superheroes.”

“What?” the boy looked completely confused.

“Never mind,” Harry said. “What’s up?”

“Oh, I just overheard your conversation with Madame Malkin,” the boy said. He held out his hand. “Draco Malfoy.”

“Never heard of him.”

“It’s my name,” Draco said with an annoyed tone.

“Oh, well that would explain why I’ve never heard of him,” Harry said. “I’m Harry, Son of Deadpool.” He held up a hand in the Vulcan manner. “Live long and prosper.”

“So I hear you were raised by muggles,” Malfoy said with a sneer.

“Oh no,” Harry said as if he were insulted. “I was raised by mutants and assassins.”

Malfoy’s jaw just hung low for a moment as he allowed the statement to process. “…what are mutants?”

“People born with power that manifests at puberty. Basically the same as wizards,” Harry said. “My mutant power is the ability to talk to snakes. They’re good people.”

“Mutants or snakes?”

“Oh, snakes certainly, but there’s always a range when it comes to people,” Harry said. “Magneto and I tend not to get along ever since that incident with the-oh, I was told never to speak of that again. Sorry.”

“Well, I hope that when we get to Hogwarts we end up in the same area of the spectrum,” Draco Malfoy said.

“I don’t know,” Harry said. “Were you raised by a wanted mass murder too?”

“No, my father was acquitted,” Draco said proudly. Harry was about to reply, but Madame Malkin had come back with his order.

“Are you sure you wanted an ‘X’ on each set?” she asked.

“Yep,” Harry said. “How are the colors?”

“Oh, I found some rather nice pieces,” the seamstress said. “Are they with the Salem Institute?”

“Not all of them, but some go or work there,” Harry said. Neither realized they weren’t talking about the same Salem Institute.

“Draco Malfoy!” said a woman’s voice from the door. “What have you been doing? I’ve been waiting. The train is about to depart.”

“Dude, she’s got Mom Voice,” Harry said. Harry had long since learned to recognize that tone when Jean was speaking to him. “You’d better get going.” Harry glanced over to the voice’s owner and saw a woman with striking features and a head of blond and black hair. “Draco, your Mom is totally hot.” The boy gave Harry a horrified look. Harry just shrugged. “I’m just saying…”

Giving Harry another horrified glance, Draco Malfoy ran to his mother and was escorted out of the shop.

==== ===== ====== ======= ========

Harry pushed his cart down the train station looking for the proper platform. 9 and ¾ was not to be found. Just as he was about to ask a conductor, a voice sounded over the intercom. “Super villains are attacking the rail station, please, all people evacuate quickly.”

“Stress relief. Oh, thank goodness,” Harry said. “Of course, goodness has nothing to do with it.”

He pulled on his mask and went looking for trouble.

The trouble in question took the form of two close friends: Thomas Samuel Eamon Cassidy and Cain Marko, better known to the world as Black Tom and the Juggernaut.

“Where’s this bank?” the Juggernaut asked, his lumbering stride causing everything to jump along.

“It should be around here somewhere,” Black Tom said. They had been hired by a guy in a purple turban and a robe to cause a disturbance at a local bank. Unfortunately, it was no where to be found. Instead they had ended up robbing a gold emporium while looking for directions.

“I don’t really care, we’ve got all this gold,” Juggernaut said. “What’s the point in looking for something more?”

“Luckily we’ve already been paid,” Black Tom said. “The fool should have given us better directions.”

Arthur Bea Wilson, known under the mask as Harry Potter, chose that moment to jump out in front of them.

“My common sense is tingling,” Arthur said to no one in particular as the Juggernaut pulled back his fist. “This may have been a bad idea.”

He was proven right when the Juggernaut backhanded him into platform 9 ¾. Arthur looked around, noticing the woman he had met earlier loading children onto a train.

“Oh, that’s where the train was.” Obviously suffering from a concussion, Arthur nodded to Molly Weasley. “Sorry Ma’me. I’ll be back in just one second.” And with that, he jumped back out onto the normal platform. True to his word, Molly Weasley saw him a second later as he went flying back in, this time in slightly worse shape.

“Ow,” said Arthur Bea Wilson, rubbing his head. “Does anyone else hear that ringing sound?”

And then he saw Juggernaut reaching through the magic wall.

“You know, I really need a healing factor,” Arthur said in a slurring, punch-drunk manner. “I think this is going to hurt.”

And yes, yes it did hurt.

‘How am I still conscious,’ thought Arthur in his little green box. ‘something is definitely wrong here.’

“I might not know your name kid, but that’s not going to stop me from squashing you like a bug,” the Juggernaut growled out, looming over the masked wizard. Harry jumped onto his feet, he didn’t know how, and threw the only thing he could think of. Aleksei Sytsevich, who went by the name Alex O’Hirn but better known as the Rhino, a long time thug and super villain, landed on Juggernaut’s face.

Clinging to the metal mask, the tiny guy in the rhino costume screamed in a whiny, high pitched voice that matched his size:


“Wha-? Rhino?”


“You know? This goes a lot better when I’ve got the X-Men around to back me up,” said Arthur in a dazed stupor. He looked over at Molly Weasley, who had pulled out her wand an kept her inquisitive children behind her. “I’m going to pass out now. Could you put me on the train?” As he fell to the ground he pointed to his cart. “My stuff’s over there.”

“Rhino? You’re a lot smaller than I remember you being,” Juggernaut said with a grin.

“Deadpool shrunk me with some kinda gas,” the tiny super villain explained as the Juggernaut picked him up between a thumb and forefinger.. “Then he gave me to his kid over there as a pet.”

Black Tom and the Juggernaut shared a look bordering on fear. They looked at the Rhino and then they looked at Arthur Bea Wilson’s unconscious form. Without a word they put Rhino back in his fun ball and gave a polite wave to Molly Weasley.

“Sorry about the disturbance, ma’me,” Juggernaut said before quickly moving in the opposite direction.





== == == == ==

“So you claim that you are here to take the boy out of the country?” asked the cigarette smoking detective.

“I’m not actually supposed to tell you that,” Hagrid said. “The headmaster didn’t want any of you muggles to know.”

“Now, you have to understand, international kidnapping is a serious crime,” the detective said. The man’s eyes grew wide at the word ‘kidnapping.’ The detective took another drag on his cigarette butt. “And ‘muggles’? Is that some limey slang for cops?”

“Uh, no,” said Hagrid. “Is this going to take long?”

“We’ll see,” the detective said as he stood up. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

Outside the observation room, a younger detective walked up.

“He doesn’t have any ID, but there was a strange broken stick in his umbrella,” reported the younger detective. “He had gold, silver and bronze coins in his pockets.”

“Well, he doesn’t think it was illegal,” a third detective said. “Looks like a patsy in a bigger scheme. I say we let him go and put a tail on him.”

“Let’s keep that under consideration,” the senior detective said. “Xavier wants to talk to him.”

“You’re gonna let a cripple in a room with a monster like him?”

“We’ll be right outside,” the detective. “We can stop him before he can do anything.”

Professor Charles Xavier rolled into the observation room, wisely not using his hover chair. “I understand you wanted to enter my school.”

“Er, who are you?”

“Professor Charles Xavier,” the professor said, silently probing the man’s mind. He gave the hulking man a mental prompt: *Speak the truth*

“Actually, Harry’s the one I need to see,” said the man. “I’m here to bring him to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where his parents went.”

“Then you are unaware that he only has permission to attend my school from his father,” Professor Xavier said, mentally adding: ‘and we only let him do that to save him from himself.’

“Harry’s father’s dead,” Hagrid siad. “Died when Harry was one.”

“No, he dug a hole in my lawn nearly two years ago,” the professor said.

“I’m pretty sure he’s dead. I think I’d know if James Potter was still around,” Hagrid said. “He was a well known wizard. I remember when he used to help me with the snorkacks and such around the grounds. I think he did it just to get a little firewhiskey, but he was always such a good wizard.”

Probing the hulking fellow’s mind, Professor X did discover that he believed everything he said. Not saying another word, he wheeled himself out. Motioning the detective over, he let out a sad sigh. “The poor man is insane. He needs a nice warm meal and a padded room to sleep in.”

“So no charges?”

“Not unless he tries to attack Harry,” Professor X said before rolling down the hall.

Harry Potter Vs. The Sorting Hat
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