Sorry for this folks. My editor is going to kill me, but I had to do this, I was reading watching the Night Santa went crazy by Weird Al Vankovic, and yeah. It’s probably going to just be a one shot, even I don’t know the cross just yet. Better yet, if you notice it I didn’t make it and have no money from it.
No one knows what caused Xander Harris, the “normal one” the “one who sees” to lose it. Some say it was seeing everyone he loved butchered. Others say it was his frail human spirit shattering under the pressure. Some say it was a spell, still others say his heart shrunk three sizes that day.
No one but that crazy assed one eyed carpenter knows what caused it, the night the Zeppo went crazy.
His first target was the Law Firm Wolfram and Heart, over twenty pounds of C4 at the base of the building. It collapsed like a deck of cards, and that was just “The shot heard round the world” so to speak.
The demon’s lost it, for once instead of them “ruling over” us, we were taking them down. Xander Harris almost resembled the monsters he was fighting. Once Castle and Jones joined in; well they took property damage to a whole new level.
I remember when they recruited the Winchester brothers, even I laughed a bit as he filled that damn yellow eyed freak so full of cold iron bullets and spelled rounds that he went screaming into hell. John Constantine was next, followed by Rambo, Angel tried to join and Xander staked him as if he were a fledgling.
I remember when Xander Harris and his “Army” attacked the final Wolfram and Heart building in this dimension; it was a very isolated place somewhere in Africa. I remember seeing Xander look like he was going to war, I remember seeing Rambo smiling as he slit a demon’s neck. Alice was the newest member of their team but she kept up with Frank and Jones, Leon and Chris both kept her pretty well covered, Ruby was enjoying the bloodshed.
I watched it all and shook my head as the single thing the creator had given them was used. I sometimes wonder if that was her plan, if maybe she didn’t see this. In the end it wasn’t Wolfram or Heart or it’s Army of demon’s that conquered the world.
That’s right, our little Zeppo managed to Conquer the world, or at least the mythical side in a death grip. Ash joined after Ruby I think, old perv. He’s fun to talk too though. Blade, Alucard, and Seras all joined about the same time, as did Ghost Rider.
To this day I think it’s hilarious that it wasn’t a Slayer, a Watcher, or a Champion that saved the world from the eternal evil that is Wolfram and Heart but a single human using his will and determination. Sometimes I still wonder if she knew this is what it would come down too.
I remember the last demons on earth joining together, I remember holding my helmet and keeping my head down as I aimed my M-16, firing off head shots to wipe out the “Impure” as Pip and Urameshi backed me up, Pip with a fifty caliber, Urameshi with his spirit gun thing.
I remember watching him feel a rage hit him unlike any I’ve ever seen, Xander Harris 6 closer to 7 foot a man of pure muscle, wearing a black bullet proof vest a skull on it with a eye patch over the left eye. A cigar between his lips as he pulled the trigger on his modified bolt action rifle even as he ran dodging bone spikes, poison spit, and who knows what else. Frank and Rambo both following him, Rambo firing his goddamned S.A.W. as if it were a fucking nine millimeter, Frank firing two silver plated desert eagle loaded with 357 magnum rounds.
Yusuke got tired of giving cover and charged in next, I remember seeing him clear five feet with one of his “Spirit Shotgun”, I remember Seras Victoria dripping blood even as her “Master” moved through the battle field unmolested blowing demons apart with that ridiculous gun of his.
Blade moved with them finishing those that required a heart stab or finishing them off, his own pistol barking periodically. Ruby, Amanda, and Ash were blowing them away with ungodly ease. She’d cut their knees out, then he’d blow their faces off. Ruby is no slouch with her automatic shotguns, but Ash and that old Winchester is pretty fucking bad.
Speaking of Winchester the Winchester men have replaced Yusuke, all of them using their name sake rifles. I’d almost think it was a bad joke if some didn’t have a nasty looking head wound. I swear as my clip runs empty and I know I’m jammed. I see demon’s abut to over load our position and decide in the words of my teacher, “Fuck it.”
I pull my five hundred magnum a hell of a sidearm as I aim and blow eight demons straight to hell. I know I’m done for as they swarm only for Wolf Wood to open fire with that cross of his. As he gives us some breathing room I reload my side arm and fire I feel a bone spike graze my arm, even as I see Ghost Rider deal with the hell spawn responsible.
I see indentions in the mud and yell out, “HELL HOUNDS”
Immediately our surprise weapons burst forth, Lupin and Sirus, as well as Kamina, the two almost feral rip into the smaller demon dogs even as Kamina cuts through them. Guts is next that crazy sword of his rending flash and bone as if it were butter.
I take a step back going for my secondary side a sawed off pump action chambering a round I blow a Hell hounds guts all over myself but save myself getting ripped apart. Even as more swarm us, Logan and Thor enter the frey, and I know we’ve won. Even as I hear three voices call out, “There can be only one!”
Apparently the Highlanders are here, I take comfort in that as I chamber another round and put another two dogs down. This one was loaded with buck shot instead of slugs. I look up as I hear a growl and swear, “TERROR dogs!”
The things are as fast as lighting and I feel the burn from one of their claws however while it’s open I unload the round I chambered literally a second before I had to dodge not to get cleaved in half, the recoil is a bitch but I see his blood and organs hit the ground. Yellow blood and what look like rotten organs not surprised.
Suddenly it all stop, I’m breathing hard even as the demon’s stop and I realize by the gods it’s done.
However suddenly the demons seem to realize this isn’t time to screw around, this is for their survival. I suddenly lose all breathing room. I cut and slash with my knife and sword, standard equipment in the Skull army.
Suddenly as I think I’m going to be overwhelmed I hear a distinctive yell. I smile to Rambo he’s covered in guts and has a few bone spikes sticking out but I know he’ll heal.
I know it’s a long day until we’ll win, but Xander Harris, the “normal one” might just do what no one’s done before. He might JUST rid the world of these bottom feeding scum sucking hell spawns. And for that I’m willing to risk my life.