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Xander's Bizarre adventure

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Summary: God decides that the PTBs need a good ass whuppin and Xander wonders what God is on when He/she picked him. WARNING: Strong language and possible drug use is in this fanfic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > DogmaJacobPhoenixFR2136,5420275,08422 Dec 0922 Dec 09No

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Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter.

Warning: Same as previous chapter. Oh yes and Whistler bashing ahead too.

Chapter 2

Xander looked at Bartleby and asked, “So what was this slight problem with you two?”

Loki said, “Well it starts like this; I took Bartleby out for a post slaughter drink after I killed all the first born of Egypt and well, after many drinks, we get into this really shitty conversation that made me feel bad so I ended up quitting my job as the Angel of Death. God kinda took offence to the way I quit and exiled us to Wisconsin for eternity.”

“Loki, you gave God the finger and threw up on God too,” Bartleby said.

Xander just stared and said, “You gave the Almighty the finger?”

Bartleby said, “Yep and ruined it for the rest of the Angels. God decreed that we could no longer imbibe alcohol.”

“Wow,” Xander said, “but make with the story.”

“Well anyways,” Bartleby said, “a couple of years ago, we got a paper about a little known catholic ordnance that would allow us back into Heaven but what we didn’t know at the time that it was a trick by a Artist turned Demon named Azrael to use us to unmake existence because he couldn’t stand it in Hell.”

Loki laughed and said, “What that little bitch didn’t count on was Bartleby going batshit killing everyone.”

Xander said, “So how were you two stopped and also how did Bartleby going crazy killing everyone ruin this Azarel’s plan?”

Bartleby said, “It was the last Scion and the two prophets managed to get God out of his coma.”

Xander said, “Oookay. I am going to stop asking you two questions and since you two have to live with me it’s time to go home.”

Loki said, “Xander, God said one of us has to be with you when you’re away from home cause we are your bodyguards.”

“Lovely,” Xander said, “so, who gets first shift?”

Loki grinned and said, “I do.”

Xander paled, from what he had seen of this guy he seemed to be a bit psycho and he was going on the Hellmouth?

Bartleby looked at Loki and said, “Try not to embarrass him by slaughtering anyone.”

Loki said, “No promises, if they go after them they are getting their asses beaten down.”

Xander sighed, ‘How can things get any more worse?’ he thought.

Meanwhile in Hell, Lucifer was trying to think about why God was suddenly so interested in the Hellmouth, when one of his servants came in and said, “Sir, I believe I found out what is going on.”

Lucifer smiled and said, “So what is she up to?”

“She is going to put the PTBs out of a job because she is fed up with how they are running things,” the demon said.

Lucifer began to laugh, “Finally, those sanctimonious assholes are going to be shut down and who is the one going to bring about the change?”

The demon grinned and said, “Alexander Harris.”

Lucifer smiled even brighter, “Good for him, with the PTBs gone I can finally get rid of that First Evil bitch.”

“So,” the demon said, “what’s our response to this?”

“Easy,” Lucifer said, “for the first time in like millennia, God has my support in this cause the way things were going it was going it was going to end badly for everyone, especially me and so we have to make sure we have agents to protect the boy because Bartleby and Loki WILL screw up.”

“What agents, my lord?” The demon asked fearfully.

“I shall send in the Golgothan to protect Xander Harris,” Lucifer said.

Back in Sunnydale, Xander had spent the night sleeping while Loki and Bartleby were discussing about how to aid Xander in his quest.

“Dude,” Loki said, “that’s why I need my flaming sword; to smite the evil that might attack Xander in school.”

Bartleby sighed and said, “Xander doesn’t need you to slaughter his classmates and also, don’t you think he is going to develop some sort of complex with us following him everywhere.”

“Hey, God said we had to follow him and protect him from the PTBs,” Loki said.

“Yes, protect him, not make him go nuts,” Bartleby said.

Loki said, “I swear; he will never notice me and anyways, what are you going to be doing while I am with Xander?”

“Learning about Xander’s life,” Bartleby said.

“Oh,” Loki said.

As Loki watched the clock he realized Xander was going to have to get up.

Xander was sleeping soundly when he heard a voice say, “Wake up Xander, it’s time to get up.”

“Leave me alone, it’s not time for school,” Xander mumbled.

Loki walked to the bathroom and got a large container of water and threw it on Xander.

Xander woke up and sputtered, “What the fuck!!?” he screamed.

Loki smiled and said, “It’s time for school Xander.”

Xander looked at the clock and said, “Holy shit your right, I have got to get going.”

As Xander and Loki ran to the door, Bartleby said, “Here, I made you lunch Xander.”

Xander said, “Uhh, thank you mom,” he sang out.

Loki said, “You are such a girl Bartleby.”

“Hey, if you knew the boy like I do you might be a bit more parent-like to him too,” Bartleby said.

Xander and Loki walked to school, Loki said, “School sounds boring, let’s do something fun.”

Xander looked at Loki and said, “Like what?”

“Well,” Loki said, “We could smite evildoers, that’s always fun or hey,” as they passed an arcade, “let’s play some video games.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be an Angel?” Xander said.

“Actually ex-angel, when Bartleby and I lost our wings in Jersey we became kind of half angel and half human,” Loki said.

“Which means what exactly?” Xander asked.

“It means; we got our cocks back last night and a lot of the rules that govern other angels don’t apply to us,” Loki said happily.

Xander said, “I am more confused than ever now.”

“It means that we can eat, imbibe alcohol and do what most humans do,” Loki said.

As they got to the high school Loki looked around and said, “This place so rife with sin and evil.”

Xander said, “You promised no massacres damn it!!!”

Loki said, “Spoil sport, I wasn’t going to kill them all.”

Willow saw Xander along with some young man walk towards the school. Buffy, who was sitting next to her said, “Who’s that with Xander?”

She replied, “I don’t know, I didn’t think he had friends other than us?”

Buffy said, “Well, Xander’s new friend is cute. Think he will introduce us?”

Willow smiled and said, “I am sure of it Buffy.”

Meanwhile, at the bus terminal at Sunnydale, two figures strolled off the bus and the Hellmouth shuddered.

Jay sniffed the air and said, “So, this is the mother-fucking Hellmouth. I am going to love it here.”

Silent Bob poked at Jay’s shoulder and pointed to the picture that God had given them of Xander and his address.

“Hey, don’t poke me Lunchbox. I know what I am doing,” Jay said.

Bob just sighed and started to walk towards a cab, Jay rushed after Bob and said, “You tubby motherfucker, you wait next time.”

Bob pointed at his watch and looked at Jay.

“I know, we don’t have that much time,” Jay said.

Bob nodded as they got into the cab.

“Hey cabbie; here’s the address we need to go to,” Jay said.

The cabbie looked back and said, “Not taking you there boys, you are going back to Jersey.”

“Hey, who the fuck are you to tell us where we are going?” Jay yelled.

“Names Whistler and I work for the Powers That Be and I don’t care what God said to you, it’s time for you to head home.”

Jay said, “Who are these fucking Powers huh? They don’t tell me where I can go and God herself sent us here, so fuck you bitch!!” he screamed as his fist connected with Whistler’s nose.

Whistler cupped his nose and screamed, “You little bastard, you broke my nose!!”

“Stay down you little bitch,” Jay said.

Whistler growled and hit Jay in the in the face hard and said, “You listen to me; you are going to have to be going back home.”

Bob saw Jay get his face punched in and narrowed his eyes. He had to help his friend again, he looked at the door Whistler was sitting next to and kicked Whistler out of the moving cab.

Jay got up looked out at Whistler who was rolling down the street and screamed, “Take that you motherfucking bitch!!!!”

Bob realized that he just kicked the driver the out of the cab and poked at Jay’s shoulder.

“What the fuck is it Lunchbox? I am watching that Whistler guy roll down the street,” Jay said.

Again, Bob poked Jay more insistently.

Jay looked at Bob and said, “What?” As he realized no one was driving the car.

“Holy shit Lunchbox, we’re going to crash!!!!” Jay said as they ducked in the back of the cab they were riding in and crashed right into the high school library.

Xander and Loki heard the crash and they rushed to the library, “Giles,” Xander called out, “are you alright?”

Giles looked up and said, “Thankfully; the rare and irreplaceable books stopped the car from getting too far in.”

Xander sighed with relief and said, “You’re alright though, right?”

“Yes, quite,” Giles said as he went to look at the car.

Loki whispered to Xander, “Your friend stopped blinking.”

Xander said, Yeah, that’s not a good sign. Let’s check the driver.”

As they got to the car Xander saw two people quivering in the back, “Hey, you two alright?”

“No, I am not fucking alright,” Jay said, “and what the fuck did we crash into?”

Bob got out of the car and was kissing the ground, literally.

Giles said, “Is everyone alright?”

Jay and Silent Bob nodded.

“Excellent,” Giles said, “now I can kill you myself.”

“Whoa,” Xander said intercepting Giles, “they are human G-Man!!”

“Your right Xander,” Giles said as he dropped the axe he was holding.

Jay looked up and asked, “You’re Xander, as in Xander Harris?”

“Uhh, yeah?” Xander said nervously.

“Cool,” Jay said, “we were sent to help you,”

Xander put his head in his hands and began to weep.

AN: More Whistler bashing in the next chapter.

Poll question: Did you like what Jay and Silent Bob did to Whistler?

I did.


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