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Xander's Bizarre adventure

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Summary: God decides that the PTBs need a good ass whuppin and Xander wonders what God is on when He/she picked him. WARNING: Strong language and possible drug use is in this fanfic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > DogmaJacobPhoenixFR2136,5420275,08722 Dec 0922 Dec 09No

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Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapters

Warning: Really foul language, Character death (guess who? You’ll be pleasantly surprised), and walking crap. *evil grin*

Chapter 3

Rufus was ‘taking the plunge towards Earth,’ as he had called it. He sighed; he had to talk with God about a better way to go to Earth than falling towards it a million miles per hour as he crashed against the ground.

“God damn, I maybe dead but this is the shittiest way to travel,” he said as pulled himself up, he heard a annoying Bronx accent say, “Sorry man, I gotta take you home.

Rufus looked and said, “Shit, Whistler? Who put you through the ringer?”

Whistler said, “Jay and Silent Bob sucker punched me but don’t change the subject, you and them have to go home.”

“Well you and the PTBs can go kiss my dead black ass,” Rufus said angrily.

“Look you guys are upsetting the balance,” Whistler said.

“Fuck the balance and fuck you and,” Rufus added, “where the fuck is my 20 bucks that you owe me?”

“Let’s calm down man, no need to get angry Rufus,” Whistler said.

“Shit, you haven’t seen angry yet,” Rufus said.

“Man Rufus, where did you pick the gutter mouth up?” Whistler asked.

“Jay who else Whistler,” Rufus said.

“Jay, that sucker punching pothead,” Whistler growled.

“Hahahaha, you got sucker punched by Jay,” Rufus laughed.

“It’s not funny,” Whistler said, “and stop changing the subject; you have to go back up.”

Rufus grinned, kicked Whistler in the nuts and said, “Hey, I am not going anywhere,” looked at Whistler’s clothes and took them.

Whistler said, “Give my clothes back you dead asshole!!!”

Rufus smiled and said, “I am going to be burning them as soon as I find Xander, get back to his place and find some normal clothes.”

Whistler glared, ‘trying to stop God’s agents was starting to really hurt,’ he thought as he got up and now here he was in his underwear and in the middle of Sunnydale, he had to get back home as soon as possible.

Rufus walked up to the phone, offering up a prayer of gratitude that Bethany taught him how to use the phone. He picked up the phone and said, “Hello.”

“911, how can we help you sir?” The operator asked.

“Yeah, I’m near First and Smithson Street and there is some almost naked honky walking around like he’s drunk and shit,” Rufus said.

“We will be right on it sir,” the operator said.

“Thank you,” Rufus said as he hung up the phone.

Whistler hadn’t gotten 100 feet when he heard sirens, he looked behind him and saw the cops show up, “Damn it!!!” he screamed, “Rufus, I will get you for this!!!”

Rufus was following a group of fire trucks and saw that they were heading towards the school; he saw a cab imbedded into what looked like the library.

He sighed and said, “Those idiots are most likely in there.”

Xander was still staring at the damage that the Prophets had done in getting into the library, Loki whistled and said, “Wow, now that was an entrance.”

Xander gaped and said, “That’s all you can say? Damn Loki, look at Giles, his eyes are really twitching man.”

Loki said, “Oh, he will be alright.”

Xander said, “I’ll take your word for it, come on let’s get these two out of here before Giles really loses it.”

Jay said, “Sorry about your books man, maybe you can pick up some new books.”

Giles said, “Some of these books were hundreds of years old, they survived natural disasters and almost everything man could throw at them and yet, you two destroyed them in mere seconds

“So, your saying they weren’t new, that’s good,” Jay said.

Xander said, “Yeah, that’s great Giles, right?

Giles said, “Xander, please take your new friends out and when you get back we shall discuss your wisdom in picking friends.”

Xander looked and said, “You think I picked them as friends?”

“Well, they seem to know you,” Giles said

“Yeah but does that mean I know them Giles,” Xander screamed.

As Giles was about to say something when Buffy and Willow ran in and Buffy said, “What happened Giles?”

“Ask Xander,” Giles said angrily.

“Is this Xander’s fault?” Buffy demanded.

Giles said no it’s his new friends fault

Jay looked at Giles and said, “Fuck you British boy,” as he extended his middle finger.

Bob looked at Jay with horror, he was just making things worse, the guy was ready to kill them both a minute ago.

Buffy looked at Jay and said, “Get out of here now!!”

Jay looked at Buffy and said, “Whoa, how’s it going baby. My name is Jay and this is my hetero life mate: Silent Bob.”

Buffy glared at him and said, “Get out NOW you freak!!”

“Hey calm down bitch, we’re going already,” Jay said.

Buffy’s face turned red and said, “What did you call me!!?”

Xander looked nervously and said, “Uhh, I didn’t hear him say anything, right!!?”

Bob looked at Buffy and knew Jay was going to get beat up and he rushed to pull his friend from the irate slayer.

Xander and the small group rushed out of the library, Xander could hear Buffy scream, “Xander!!! Get back here so we can discuss your new friends.”

“Later Buffy gotta make sure they are all right and stuff like that,” Xander called back.

As Xander and the group walked down the hall, Principal Snyder walked past them and saw the damage and looked at Giles and said, “This is coming out of your pay check.”

Giles sighed and said, “Shut it you misbegotten little troll!!!”

Faith walked in and saw the damage, “Damn,” she said, “What the fuck happened here?”

Buffy growled, “Some people Xander knows.”

Willow said, “I think their names are Jay and Silent Bob.”

Faith’s eyes lit up and she said, “Is one of them kind of quiet while the other one is a gutter mouthed weasel?”

“Yeah, that sounds like them,” Buffy said.

Faith cackled and said “YES!!!!”

Buffy and the group looked at her puzzled and Willow said, “Do you know them?”

Faith grinned and said, “Yep, they were my best friends when I lived in Jersey.”

Buffy said, “Looks like you need some better friends too.”

“Hey, those two might be odd and yeah at times offensive as hell but,” Faith said, “they are also the best friends anyone could have.”

Meanwhile in the courtyard, Xander was talking to Jay and Silent Bob and just said, “So, you guys are dope dealers?”

“Yeah, me and Lunchbox have been in the business for a fucking long time,” Jay said.

Xander looked at Silent Bob and said, “You don’t speak much do you?”

“Lunchbox only speaks when he has too,” Jay said.

Loki said, “So how have you guys been doing?”

“Doing pretty good, I got me a girlfriend,” Jay said.

Xander said, “You have a girlfriend? What the hell?”

“Yep, my Boo Boo Kittyfuck, she’s in jail for those diamond heists,” Jay said.

“Of course she is, what hell am I thinking?” Xander said.

As they were about to leave Xander heard a scream of joy resound across the courtyard, Jay looked and said, “Hey Lunchbox, it’s your fine ass baby sister.”

Faith ran into Bob’s arms and hugged him tightly and she said, “Bob what the fuck are you two guys doing here?”

Xander looked at Faith and said, “You know these two?”

Faith grinned and, “I should them; Bob is my older brother.”

Bob looked at Faith and hugged her tightly.

Jay looked at Faith and said, “What the fuck are you doing here? Thought you went to Boston with that British chick?”

Faith looked at Jay and grinned at Bob, “Still hanging out with this morose motherfucker?”

Bob nodded.

“Well anyways, I was but a vampire named Kakistos killed her and began to hunt me, so I ran away and came here,” Faith said.

Jay looked at Faith and said, “This vampire fucker still around? Cause no one hurts Lunchbox’s sister.”

“Nah,” Faith said, “B and I took care of him a month or two ago but I am going to ask: why are you two here?”

“Lunchbox and I were asked by God’s voice herself to aid Xander here in his quests,” Jay said.

Xander sighed and said, “I think I might play a game called drink the stuff under the sink, by myself.”

Willow rushed to where Xander was talking and said, “Xander why are you sitting with them?”

Jay looked at her and said, “What fucking business is it of yours who this kid sits with?”

Willow’s face turned red and she said, “I’m his best friend.”

Loki grinned and said, “You were his best friend, I think you are that girl’s best friend what’s her name?”

Xander said, “It’s Buffy.”

Jay said, “You mean your her name is Buffy? What kind of fucking name is that? It sounds like something you name a poodle.”

Willow glared at Jay and said, “You watch it mister, she is the slayer.”

“Not to mention one fine piece of ass,” they heard a voice say.

Willow looked behind her and saw a black man dressed like a pimp, she said, “Sorry, homeless people aren’t allowed here.”

Rufus glared at her and said, “So you see a black man and assume he’s homeless?”

Willow said, “It’s not like that, it’s the way you’re dressed. I thought you were homeless, sorry,” she added.

Rufus said, “You decided I was homeless by the way I was dressed? Are you that shallow?”

Willow backed away nervously and said, “I’m sorry,” as she ran away.

“A girl who wears a pink fluffy sweater in this weather should never judge how a man dresses,” Rufus yelled.

Xander asked, “And you are?”

Loki said, “Holy shit, I forgot you were coming, it’s the apostle.”

Rufus looked and said, “Holy shit, it’s one the idiot angels. “So where is your so called better half?”

Loki said, “He’s at home probably taking care of the parents.”

Xander said, “What the fuck do you mean? Is he going to kill my parents?”

“No,” Loki said, “he’s most likely made them so feel so guilty about the way they treated you and they ran away.”

“And if that’s not what happened?” Xander asked.

“Then,” Rufus said, “He’s gone crazy with rage and killed them.”

“Yeah,” Loki said, “he totally represses his temper until he goes batshit crazy.”

Xander sighed and said, “My life is getting weird.”

Faith grinned and said, “Someone going to fill me in what the situation is here?”

Rufus explained the whole story to Faith.

“So; Xander is one of Heaven’s champions?” Faith said, “And this is just a way to get back at the Powers that Be?”

“That’s basically the story,” Rufus said.

Faith cackled and said, “I knew God had a sense of humour,” and added, “Count me in on your guy’s side.”

Rufus said, “That’s great to hear girl.”

Willow ran back to the library to talk to Giles about Xander’s new friends.

“Giles,” she said, “I think Xander is falling in with a bad group.”

Buffy said, “Yeah Giles, that Jay guy seems like bad news to me.”

Giles sighed, “My books, my books and yes Buffy; I believe that Jay is going to be a bad influence on Xander.”

Meanwhile in Sunnydale PD’s drunk tank; Whistler was sitting there grumbling about sucker punching bastards.

Another prisoner had just gone to the bathroom and left, unaware that the toilet was backing up and there was a bunch of shit flowing upwards and a hand reached out.

Whistler was still grumbling about shitty dead people and so called prophets who sucker punch when he smelt a real bad smell.

“Hey,” he called, “What the fuck is that smell!!!? Can I crack open a window?”

The Golgothan had just started to walk towards Whistler.

Whistler smelled and said, “Is it coming closer?” When he heard a voice say, “Not born, shit into existence.”

“Oh shit!!!” Whistler said as he saw the excremental, “Look buddy, I was just following orders.”

The Golgothan looked at Whistler, lifted its hand and fired a large glob of shit at the balance demon.

Whistler sighed and said, “I knew I was going to die like this.”

Poll question: Do you like how Whistler’s life has become ‘shitty’?


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The End?

You have reached the end of "Xander's Bizarre adventure" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 22 Dec 09.

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