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Xander's Bizarre adventure

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Summary: God decides that the PTBs need a good ass whuppin and Xander wonders what God is on when He/she picked him. WARNING: Strong language and possible drug use is in this fanfic.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > DogmaJacobPhoenixFR2136,5420275,08722 Dec 0922 Dec 09No

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Chapter One

Disclaimer: I don't own either BtVS or Dogma/Jay and Silent Bob/or anything else that Kevin Smith has created. He is the master not me.

WARNING: Strong language is in this story. After all, Jay and Silent Bob are in this story and everyone knows what Jay is famous for, right? Also, drug use is probably going to be involved in this story.

Chapter 1

God had called in the Metatron into her office to discuss some stuff she had been witnessing on Earth.

Metatron bowed to God and asked, “my lord what’s wrong?”

God sighed and said, “It’s the Powers that be; they have finally gone too far and need to be taken down.”

“Oh goody,” Metatron said, “another civil war in Heaven.”

“Nothing like that, I am simply going to start picking my own Champions, if they can do it so can I,” God said.

“And who are you going to pick for your champion if I might ask? Certainly not Bethany again,” Metatron asked.

“No, Bethany has done what I have asked her to do. My champion will be on the Hellmouth,” God said.

“Oh please tell me it isn’t going to be that blond slayer,” Metatron asked.

“It’s not her, don’t worry; the PTBs have way too much hold on her. It’s one of her friends: Alexander Harris.”

“Lovely and who are we going to have assist him anyways?” Metatron asked.

“Bartleby and Loki, I think will make most able bodyguards,” God said.

“Those two!!? They nearly destroyed all of existence and now you want them on the Hellmouth? Well that’s just asking for trouble,” Metatron said.

God smiled and said, “Not just them, I am calling in the prophets who assisted Bethany.”

“Jay and Silent Bob!!? Lovely, we are going to fudge up that poor boy’s life like nobody’s business,” Metatron said

“Also I am thinking of Rufus as well,” God said.

“Good idea, that surely will help all the more,” Metatron said snidely before quickly apologizing.

“It’s alright, it will work out in the end,” God said, “You just gotta have some faith.”

Metatron teleported to Hell to pick up Bartleby and Loki, he saw them at table playing cards with Lucifer.

Lucifer looked up and saw Metatron and said, “The Voice? And what is her slash his voice doing down in my neck of the woods?”

“Cut the small talk, I am here for those two,” Metatron said pointing at Bartleby and Loki.

“Hey,” Loki said, “we’re paying for our crimes, no need for God to punish us again.”

Metatron looked at them and said, “If she was going to punish you, she would have done it already.”

Bartleby said, “So what’s she want us for? Two ex-angels can’t really do much to help the Almighty.”

“It’s not her helping, it’s some poor shmuck on the Hellmouth,” Metatron said.

Loki jumped and whooped with excitement and said, “The Hellmouth? Oh maybe he wants me to rain fire and destruction on it?”

“Yes, that would solve everything wouldn’t it,” Bartleby sarcastically replied.

“See Voice, he agrees with me,” Loki said happily.

Bartleby said, “It’s not that kind of helping, he wants us to help one of the champions if I am guessing right.”

“Yes, the Grigori gets it right; you two are going to be aiding one Alexander Lavelle Harris, better known to his friends as Xander,” Metatron said

Lucifer looked at Metatron and said, “Poor kid, I would rather have duck billed platypuses helping me.”

Metatron said, “I agree and you don’t know half of it!!”

Lucifer said, “No I don’t, care to fill me in?”

“Not if I want to keep my wings,” Metatron replied snidely.

Bartleby smiled and said, “We accept, if my friend over here agrees with me.”

“Smashing,” Metatron said, “now get yourselves up to Earth okay, I will be waiting there for you.”

As the two ran off Lucifer looked around at the gathered demons and said, “Prepare for the end Ladies and Gentlemen because those two are going to royally fuck up.”

Metatron sighed and teleported back to Heaven, he looked at God and said, “It’s done, now do you want me to get the so called ‘Prophets’?”

“No, I have already sent a message to them to come to Sunnydale,” God said, “but could you get Rufus?”

“Yes my lord, err, ah, lady,” Metatron said.

Rufus was talking to some of the other apostles when Metatron appeared behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

He looked back and saw Metatron looking down at him and said, “Hey big M, what’s going on my brother?”

“We need you to go to Earth, the Hellmouth in particular,” Metatron said.

“I though God her/himself would have handled that by now,” Rufus said.

“Well, it’s more to stick it to the PTBs. She hasn’t been pleased by the way they have been handling things,” Metatron said.

“Well golly, am I going to be helping that fine ass slayer? I hear she’s got herself a thing for dead guys,” Rufus said.

“No, you’re not helping the fine ass slayer, your helping her friend Xander,” Metatron said

“Crap,” Rufus said, “but hey, that kid got dealt a bum hand and now she’s making up for it?”

“It would appear so,” Metatron said.

“So you going to give Xander the heads up that I am coming down to be his Yoda?” Rufus asked.

“I have too I guess and this time,” he screamed, “there better be no bets on if he has a fire extinguisher on hand.”

Xander Harris was sleeping in his bed when he felt a burst of heat, he looked and saw a pillar of fire that said “Behold the Metatron: the voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron the voice of the one true...” Xander panicked and brought the large bucket of water he had and drenched the pillar of fire.

“Acghth,” Metatron said, “Did you have to use the whole bucket of water? And why do you have a bucket of water in your bedroom anyways?”

Xander screamed, “What kind of fucking demon are you!!?”

Metatron growled, “I am fucking pissed off is what I am.”

Xander grabbed a large steel knife and said, “Again, what the fuck are you? Tell me or else.”

“Or you do what; hit me with that tea kettle?” Metatron said.

Xander looked at the tea kettle in his hand and said, “Just take what you want, just please don’t eat me and/or lay your eggs in me.”

“Bloody hell, I am not going to eat you and as for laying my so called eggs in you that, is impossible, Angels are ill equipped to do anything of the sort,” Metatron said.

Metatron pulled down his pants and said, “See, I am just like a Ken doll!! And as I was saying before your little fire fighting incident, I am the Metatron.”

Xander just looked at him with a puzzled look on his face.

Metatron sighed, “Every goddamn time I come down here,” he looked at Xander, “I am an angel, and you do know what an angel is right?”

“Prove it,” Xander said.

“Very well, I had this same conversation with Bethany,” Metatron said, “but very well,” as two huge white wings came out of his back.

Xander looked at the wings with awe and then said, “Why you are here?”

“Ah, finally a question that I can answer, God has asked me to ask you to be her champion on Earth,” Metatron said.

“Umm, why couldn’t God ask me himself?” Xander asked.

“Because; humans have neither auditory nor psychological capability to withstand God’s true voice, if you were to hear it your head would explode and chest would cave in,” Metatron said.

Xander winced and said, “Ouch.”

“Yeah, we through 5 Adams before we figured THAT out,” Metatron said.

“But, why would God pick me of all people to be his champion?” Xander asked.

“I have no idea, just do what your creator asked you to do,” Metatron said.

“No, I want proof that you came from God,” Xander said.

“Bloody hell!! Let’s go ask that watcher friend of yours then,” Metatron said.

Metatron grabbed Xander’s hand and teleported to Giles house.

As Giles and the rest of the Scoobies were discussing what to do about the Mayor, they saw Xander Harris and a pillar of fire teleport into Giles living room.

“Behold the Metatron voice of the one true God, Behold the Metatron voice of the one true God Behold the Metatron voice of... accthag,” he coughed as Giles unleashed the fire extinguisher on him.

“Bloody hell!!” Metatron said, “Two bloody times in one night? Did you have to use the whole canister on me?”

Giles backed away and asked, “Xander, who is this?”

Xander looked around and asked, “Was there a meeting without me?”

Metatron looked at Xander and said, “Don’t judge them. They are only doing it for your own protection.”

Giles looked at Metatron and asked, “Who are you?”

Buffy looked at him and said, “And why are you with Xander?”

“Well, as I explained it to your volunteer firefighter brigade, I am the Metatron: The Voice of God.”

Oz looked at him and said, “Cool’ and then added, “Why does God need someone to speak for him?”

Xander said, “Because: if we regular humans heard him speak, we would die.”

Metatron sighed and said, “thank you for telling them Xander.”

Giles sputtered, “The Metatron here!!? And what is your interest with Xander?”

“I am to task him with a holy crusade,” Metatron said.

Xander paled and said, “Holy crusade, like against evil?”

“No, against the bloody gumdrop kingdom, of course it’s against evil, though the gumdrop kingdom could stand to be wiped out,” Metatron said.

“Cool,” Xander said, “Wait, don’t I need an army for this?”

“We aren’t the bloody Powers That Be, we are sending aid to you, of sorts,” Metatron said.

Buffy fell down laughing and said, “Metatron is it? God has one great sense of humour for playing a joke like that on Xander.”

Metatron looked at her and said, “In matters like these, the Almighty doesn’t joke.”

Angel said, “But it seems so wrong for him to choose Xander.”

“As opposed to you lot?” Metatron asked.

“Most of you have done Hell worthy deeds,” Metatron said.

Giles smiled and said, “Well that is true. But Xander is hardly a saint himself.”

Metatron smiled, “That may be true Ripper but he is our best hope that this world will survive.”

Willow suddenly screamed, “What you mean survive?”

“I mean God has gotten pissed off on how the Powers That Be are handling things, so she decided to pick someone the powers and the other side ignored and that is Xander Harris,” Metatron said.

“And if things keep going the way they do, she is going to end it all in a heartbeat called: Revelations.”

Giles spoke, “but the Powers that Be have kept the peace for millennia.”

“Yeah and that has worked wonderfully for the Slayers, hasn’t it?” Metatron said snidely.

Buffy said, “But he’s the normal one, he shouldn’t have to fight.”

Xander grumbled, “Thanks Buffy, for that vote of confidence in my abilities.”

Giles sighed and asked, “Metatron, I don’t suppose there is some way we could ask God to choose someone else to his champion?”

“No, there isn’t and who did you have in mind anyways?” Metatron asked.

“Well, Buffy or Willow has the powers that a champion would need,” Giles said.

“Well, we made our decision and guess what,” Metatron said, “you aren’t going to remember a bloody thing about this after the boy and I leave.”

With that Metatron teleported himself and Xander to a nearby store and started to talk.

Xander said glumly, “Nice to know that they think so highly of me.”

Metatron looked at Xander kindly and said, “It’s not completely their fault, you should have lived more to your potential.”

Xander nodded and said, “So, who’s supposed to help me in this quest or whatever it’s supposed to be?”

“Well,” Metatron said, “The first two should have been here by now?” as he looked around.

“Ah, there they are,” he pointed to Bartleby and Loki as they came out of the store.

Loki was jumping around and shouting, “Holy shit, we got cocks again Bartleby.”

Bartleby looked at Loki and said, “You really are a simple creature aren’t you?”

“Hey, I am just happy that I can get laid again,” Loki said.

Metatron sighed even louder and said, “We are so doomed.”

Loki saw Xander and said, “Hey, you the kid we are supposed to be helping?”

Bartleby was looking at Xander and said, “No you idiot, he’s the prince of fairyland.”

Xander looked at Metatron and said, “Are you KIDDING me?”

“Unfortunately no, they are part of your team against the forces of evil,” Metatron said.

Loki smiled and grabbed Xander’s hand in crushing handshake and said, “Hey, I’m Loki and I was the Angel of Death.”

Bartleby pried Loki’s hand off Xander and said, “I’m Bartleby and, well, I’m a Grigori which means I am a Watcher.”

Metatron whispered into Xander’s ear, “Guess what they do?”

Xander looked at the two ex angels and said, “This is it for my allies?”

“There are three more coming and trust me, you can’t miss them, even if you tried.”

Meanwhile Jay and Silent Bob were on their way to Sunnydale.

“Lunchbox, this is going to be so fucking cool. I bet I am like wickety bam, no more vampires.”

Bob looked at Jay and sighed, ‘It wasn’t going to be that easy,’ he thought, ‘but hey, God herself asked us to help this Xander guy out.’

Jay said, “We are going to be like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda to this Xander kid and hey, I might teach him how to score with the girls.”

Bob just stared in horror of the vision of another one just like Jay in his mind; he shuddered at the idea of two Jays and shook his head slowly.

Jay looked at Silent Bob and said, “What the fuck do you know? You work for me.”

Meanwhile Xander was looking at Metatron and sighing, “These are my allies?”

“Be happy that they are on your side Xander,” Metatron said.

Loki looked at Metatron and said, “Hey, do I get a flaming sword?”

Bartleby looked at Loki and said, “You idiot, no you’re not getting a flaming sword. We are trying to keep the death rate down in this town, not raise it to new extremes.”

“Awww,” Loki said, “I’ll only kill vampires,” as he looked at his feet.

Metatron said, “Loki, do I look stupid to you?”

Loki said, “I was just asking was all.”

Xander looked at Metatron with fear in his eyes and said, “Are they crazy?”

“There was a slight problem with them a couple of years ago but they are fine,” Metatron said, “I am almost 100% sure that the mental problems are gone.”

“Mental problems!!?” Xander screamed, “What the fuck do you mean mental problems?”

Bartleby said, “he’s right Xander, all of our problems have been taken care of I promise there will be no massacres.”

Xander sighed, “There better not be, people have enough to worry about without nut job angels killing them here.”

Loki said, “I will try to keep the killings only to demons or evil people, I promise.”

Metatron said, “Smashing, you’re getting along already.”

Xander said, “Hey, where are they going to be staying?”

Metatron said, “Why, with you Xander.”

The two Angels looked at Xander, Loki smiled and waved then rushed to him and said, “Hey, we are going to be roomies, isn’t that cool?”

Bartleby said, “You won’t even know we are there, honest.”

Xander groaned and said, “My life stinks.”


Please rate and review

Poll question: I might do slash in this one but I have to ask: Who would you like Xander to be paired up with in this story? And keep in mind Bartleby and Loki are not Ken dolls in this story thanks to what God did to them. But please: No Jay or Silent Bob slash with Xander.

Warning: More wackiness to continue
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