Disclaimer:Buffy the Vampire Slayer
and all affiliated characters are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant EnemyHow the Grinch Stole Christmas
was written by Theodor Seuss Geisel
It was then remade into an animated TV Special by MGM Television for CBS
After which, it was remade for film by Universal Studios
Special note: Authors must be reminded not to omit disclaimers of ownership...
even if they're posting after 4am.
Is a dust speck
That’s covered in ice.
Each one different.
Though few ever look twice.
But one special flake deserves that second look,
Its tale told in a movie, a cartoon, and a book.
Of a heart thrice too small and a thief in the night,
And the Spirit of Christmas setting everything right.
T’was the town’s finest hour, in Who-ville, they say.
Still, the story did not end completely that day.
Just north of Who-ville,
Looms the peak of Mt. Crumpit,
Where the Whos send their unwanted garbage to dump it.
And the Grinch, with wife, Martha May Grinch-Whovier,
Populate it with babies with mossy green hair.
Our story, thank Seuss, won’t involve Grinchy mating,
Just the light in the sky that’s slowly rotating…
A flash and the light pulsed and flew open wide
Dropping a young man on the hard mountain side.
He gathered his wits on what had just come to pass.
“Great,” said the traveler. “I think I broke my ass.”
Then he climbed to his feet…
… And fell flat on his face,
A steep slope and one eye made his steps hard to place.
And then! Oh, he stumbled! He stumbled and tumbled!
With nothing to stop him he TUMBLED! TUMBLED! TUMBLED! TUMBLED!
And then, once he stopped falling, and lay there concussed,
The man cussed! And he cussed!
And he CUSSED! CUSSED! %#$*ing CUSSED!
Even sailors who heard him would cringe in disgust.
Then he got up and brushed off the snow and the dust.
Xander Harris said of his chilly reception,
“All I want for Christmas is some damn depth perception.”
Then his eye spied a large sign so artfully inked.
He stood there, he read it, and then Xander blinked.
He blinked. And he blinked.
AND he BLINKED! BLINKED! BLINKED! BLINKED!
But no matter how often his working eye winked,
The “Welcome to Who-Ville” sign was still quite distinct.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, this is all one big joke.
Maybe when I fell something in my head…
Then Xander had a thought.
A frightening thought.
Xander had a frightening, Hellmouthy thought.
“I’m staring at Who-ville,” he said with a groan.
“And I’m speaking in rhyme, hey wait! Hold the phone!
I don’t rhyme each phrase, so there must be narration.
This is not what I’d planned for my Christmas vacation.”
“I’ll just sit tight and wait…”
He persuaded himself.
Somehow inside a story from his childhood bookshelf.
“Just a matter of time
Before Willow finds me.
And then I can put this yuletide weirdness behind me.”
So he stayed where he was. And he stayed there some more.
The mind-numbing boredom made him choose to explore.
He strolled into town,
Saw the big celebration,
And heard shouting about
Something called “Who-bilation.”
Then Xander said, “Whoa,”
As he took it all in.
Though he kept out of sight,
Watching them made him grin.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Who-ville but not very far,
Someone sat alone in Sam Malwho’s Eggnog Bar,
And her lovely Who face, a sad frown seemed to mar.
Because that Christmas Eve night was turning out blue,
For Miss Cindy Lou Who, who was aged twenty-two.
This was no little girl, but a woman in bloom
With a smile that could dazzle and light up a room.
Her figure was striking, the cream of the crop,
Like she’d smuggled two cantaloupes inside her top.
And a heart filled with kindness beat deep down inside,
So why should boys care that her nose is so wide?
No, they all seemed to want perfect thin Who girl noses,
Not one single inch thicker than the stems of red roses.
It had cost her dates with all the single Who boys,
And kept her from sampling so many new joys.
Her hopes for a Christmas romance, they did fizzle,
One more long, lonely night with her pink Vibra-zizzle.
Just then, Xander ducked into Sam’s crowded tavern.
The place seemed to be as well-lit as a cavern.
But the light was enough to reveal the sad blonde,
So sad, and hot, he’d not let this go on.
He knew in his heart this could well lead to ruin,
But he thought ‘what the hell?’ then he said “How you doin’?”
Cindy turned to the voice coming down above,
Then let out a small sound, like the coo of a dove.
While he wasn’t the handsomest Who that she’d seen,
Looks, to her, didn’t matter. Heck, her best friend was green.
What did matter, far more than his missing left eye,
Was the sincerity that she sensed from the guy.
His smile made her feel like some radiant beauty,
The eye patch added danger, like a pirate off duty.
So, with eggnog-fueled courage Cindy called upon,
She leaned in and answered his flirty come-on.
“I’m much better now,” she purred into his ear.
“I was feeling so lonesome up until you got here.”
That had them both blushing, faces hotter than flames,
But they soon laughed it off, and then exchanged names.
Xander offered his arm, and they walked out together,
Feeling much warmer now, even in the cold weather.
Who-bilation was all about Christmastime fun,
Full of games you could play, prizes there to be won.
Xander played a quick game
Where the player made picks
To guess which was the fastest of six baby chicks.
He won Cindy some red and white peppermint sticks.
He watched as she licked up
The long, minty prizes.
In his pants, he felt something grow three whole sizes.
They chatted and talked
About that and this.
Each looking for mistletoe
So they might sneak a kiss.
It was quarter past ten…
All the Whos, still awake
Several Whos, sampling booze
When the pair caught a break,
Mistletoe there above them! The pucker! The pecking!
The smooching! And the Frenching! The groping! The necking!
Miles away in their minds, from the full Who-ville streets,
No sound but the thrum of their heartbeats.
“Wanna get out of here?” Xander playfully asked her.
“I know there’s a chance this could end in disaster,
My luck past luck with women really isn’t that great,
But I’ve never had this much fun on a first date.
And I hear this voice yelling, ‘Hey Stupid, DON’T WAIT!’”
“That’s a voice,” Cindy grinned
“That I’m hearing, too.”
Then she paused, not knowing for sure what to do.
And, quickly, she seemed to decide on her game plan.
She reached for his hand. And then, with him, she ran…
To a place that was private,
Thought the whole thing was just…neat! Sweet!
He stared at the Who girl,
A feast for his eye,
Then he thought,
‘I should know better by now, shouldn’t I?’
Every whirlwind romance, the long and the brief,
Had crumbled! Leaving him one big pile of grief.
But that WOULDN’T stop Xander from trying,
Screw being doomed, Christmas means guys can dream!
And the pair, checking in to the “Who-tell?” Motel,
Never wondered if tomorrow would mean their farewell.
What each felt for the other, they could not dismiss,
The sign on their door: “Do not open ‘til X-mas.”
Some several hours later, now pleasantly sore,
They agreed they’d found something, they hadn’t before.
Whatever their future paths might have in store,
Together… perhaps… they could have something more.
And what happened then?
Well… in Cleveland they say,
Willow opened a portal
That same Christmas day.
And, instead of just one person traveling through,
Out came a nude man, and a bare naked Who.
And Cindy and Xan still put beds to good use,
She’s reading much more Dr. Seuss.
Author’s Note: A bit weird, but hopefully enjoyable. I actually tried to match it up to the original format of Geisel’s original story. For those of you who wonder what Cindy Lou Who looks like all grown up (and please picture her that way, and not as the nine-year-old or, God forbid, two-year-old from the movie or cartoon), remember that Taylor Momsen plays Jenny Humphrey on Gossip Girl so, yeah.