Chapter One OR A Green Skinned Dilemma
The 4th Wall?
Authors’ Note: Warning, the following will contain acts of comedy. Also involved will be acts that not only break the fourth wall but shatter it into tiny pieces. If you don’t have a sense of humor, get out now, run, run for the hills while you still can. Thank you for listening to this Public Service Announcement. OH and Father Grim and son would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.
Chapter One OR A Green Skinned Dilemma
Deadpool sighed, snuggling up to Black Widow closely rubbing his side.
“Oh Widow, I so love you ever so much, I’m glad you finally decided to come over to see how much a stud I really am…” he feels an arm rub his shoulder from behind, turning to see Siryn, the red haired daughter of Banshee cuddling against him from behind.
“Oh Theresa. You too? I knew you couldn’t stay away. Now tell me how much you mean to me my darling…” She smiles at Wade, opening her mouth as a ringing emanates from it.
“Well, I don’t think that’s quite what I meant. I mean I know you can do weird things with your voice but, hey if you can do that, can you do squeaky wheels? I love the squeaky wheel sounds” She smiles and opens her mouth as the ringing continues.
Suddenly Deadpool wakes up sitting up straight.
“Ahhh jeeze not the phone…” He pushes aside the blow up doll with Black widows visage taped on the front and the teddy bear with Siryn’s face on it, to grab the phone.
“Deadpool here. And it better be important, I’m having happy fun time right now.” The voice on the other end speaks sharply prompting Deadpool to sit straight up.
“Dawn! Baby, it’s been forever!” He quickly goes to the top of his cabinet extracting two full sized pictures of the faces of Dawn and Faith, swapping them with the Widow’s and Siryn’s.
“What’s that? You need help? Well you’ve come to the right place. You must have thought of me first of course.” He grins to himself as he starts pulling out his two Katanas.
“Something more up my alley…took your friends eh? OH Titania, I used to room with her and her boyfriend. Yeah I know her.” Taking out a few guns he cleans them as he grabs some ammo.
“So she took your sis and her friends… what, she kidnapped Faith too, well we’ll have to show her. Meet me in New York tomorrow; I’m going to have to pull out a big gun because Titania isn’t exactly in my league. Yeah I’ll see you tomorrow…Oh and Dawn wear that baby doll nighty of your’s yeah the one with the red roses…no…no I guessed…I wouldn’t spy on you through the second window on the South side of building 202 that would be creepy...by gotta go…” Deadpool hangs up and squeals in pleasure.
“Oh my fair Dawn, we will be together at last!”
A Few Hours Before Hand
Dawn ran into the rubble which was once part of the current slayers head quarters and training facility. Walls were ripped apart as slayers tried to clean up the best they could. She was called as soon as it was over.
This… monster of a woman had kidnapped her sister, Faith, Willow, Xander, and even Giles. She walked through the walls as if they were nothing more then tissue paper yielding no protection for those inside.
Dawn’s first instinct is to head to the safe room which was still intact. It wasn’t important to whoever attacked the headquarters, she got her quarry.
Inside Dawn reviewed the tapes as she let Andrew and Kennedy take care of trying to rebuild the wreckage and keep up the other work that needed to be done.
The problem was they weren’t expecting it. There were wards and to her mystical devices set up for demons and other beings, but no one expected a six foot six Amazon whose strength level was measured in tons to come waltzing in. After she took out Willow, by quickly by slapping her hands together creating a shockwave that knocked out the witch. Whoever hired the woman knew who to deal with first.
From what the reports said Buffy and Faith quickly learned that they were pretty much useless as the woman back handed them away into unconsciousness. Xander with all the ferocity that he could muster, he bit her on the ankle and then was smacked quietly on the side of the head. Giles just gave up. That was probably the best decision, being that anything less then a tank probably wouldn’t even stun her. The woman quickly dragged all five out after tying them up with pipes that she pulled from the surrounding walls.
This was bad. She took a quick picture of the woman and checked the internet to see what sort of bruiser she was dealing with and quickly picked up Titania. This was bad; she was a mercenary for hire. Anyone could have hired her.
She quickly went to the little black book used for emergencies. Inside were people to be called in such an occasion as this and she couldn’t find a single name in there who was either free or who could possibly do some damage to the woman until she found the name at the last page. She looked at it for a few minutes then went through the book again hoping to find someone she missed.
A few minutes later she called up Wade then chartered a flight to New York.
Hefting her large backpack she looked around, Wade really hadn’t given her a place but she figured she could find him. Just look for the place that was blown up.
She brought a few things just in case as she wandered through the city. The slayer scythe was there just in case as were a few grenades and hand guns. She was prepared this time, she wasn’t the one who needed rescuing, and it was everyone else and it made a tiny part of her jump for joy wanting to laugh at them.
Almost on cue though, Deadpool landed onto a car in front of her. He was carrying his own bag.
“Will shooome body get the number of that bussh. I think it’shh light was out…” He slurred. Dawn gently walks up to him as people start running away. She shrugged, these people probably see things like this all the time with as many costumed people running around as there was.
“Hello Wade, who’d you piss off this time.” Deadpool rubbed his head.
“Dawn, that you…or am I just hallucinating again? Weren’t you supposed to wear that nighty?”
“It’s me, now what did you….”
The woman slammed down from the sky, the cement cracking from around her landing spot, a small crater had formed.
“If you don’t give it back Wade I’ll rip you apart one limb at a time so help me…” The woman was big. She looked mean. And she was of course, green.
She-Hulk walked forward and pulled the Mercenary from the wreckage. Dawn rolled her eyes.
“Hey you wait a minute, I need him with all his limbs attached, Wade what the hell did you take from her.” Deadpool was about to say something as She-Hulk put her large hand over his mouth, almost blushing a bit.
“Umm… nothing…important. Now who the heck are you and what do you need with….this?” She shook Wade at Dawn.
“He’s helping me with well…” She sat back and explained the situation.
“So…your sister is a part of an organization that hunts Vampires and was kidnapped by one of my big time baddies and the only person you can think of contacting was him?”
“Well he was… the only one I knew in the caped community and everyone else was busy.” Wade looked a bit crestfallen and mumbled something, mouth still being covered by She-Hulks massive hand.
“Well makes about as much sense as anything else I’ve ever had to deal with.” She drops Wade. H fell cat like to the cement like a fresh pile of…
“Now why didn’t you just ask me to help ‘Pool.” She glares down at the mercenary who was still waiting for his legs to heal.
“Well would you have believed me? Besides…the writers thought it would be funnier.”
“Well you have a point; I probably would have just thrown you away...” She shrugged grudgingly; even Dawn conceded she would just ignore him as well.
“And since when do the writer’s count…er… what the hell are you talking about…?” She-Hulk hesitantly back tracks.
“Hey for a second there…” Deadpool starts to make something about it when Dawn shakes her head.
“Okay enough crazy talk you two. Wade, do you know where to start looking for her, as in this Titania?”
“Well she could be at…” he rummages through a book as She-Hulk looks a bit relieved.
“She’s in here somewhere, got her card…oh by the way here’s your stuffed bear…” He throws it to a very embarrassed She-hulk who catches it quickly and tries to hide it.
“He stole your teddy?” Dawn raises an eyebrow at She-Hulk.
“It was a present…” She-Hulk tries to defend her self turning a bit red.
“Hey, it’s okay, Buffy still has Gordo a stuffed pig.” Dawn says.
Turning to Deadpool She-hulk asks “And how many villains addresses DO you have in there Wade…?” She looks darkly at the mercenary.
“Oh justa few, you know Taskmaster, Tom Cruise, Bob from Hydra, Bullseye, he’s mainly for entertainment if I wanna have something to do on a slow weekend to stop from being bored…”
Dawn rolls her eyes then looks at the green Amazonian.
“So what do I call you? I mean She-Hulk’s not sorta a name I find very easy to say out loud. And have you really seen enough that all this makes complete sense.”
“Call me Jennifer and I think I can trump any question by saying I’ve been on adventures with a talking alien duck.”
“Yeah…wow, yeah I’d think they’d give you a card to be unsurprised at most things. Although I’ve met a singing and dancing demon who’s made the locals burst into song every once in a while.”
“I can up that with going after Dr. Doom’s cousin who’s an evil dentist…” Dawn just stares at her as Deadpool exclaims.
“Ah gotcha! It’s always in the last place I look… which in this case, was the first page. But hey it gave you ladies time for some exposition.”
The two girls roll their eyes.
“You know you have me around now, we could just throw him somewhere and ignore him.”
“Yeah but then he’d give us the puppy dog eyes. And when that wouldn’t work he’d annoy us and keep coming back anyways so we’re saving ourselves a lot of trouble.”
They continued walking as Wade stops.
“Hey stop talking about me in front of my back; it’s not nice…even if it is true!!!”
The small warehouse rocked as Titania was slammed through the wall. She was only headed back in when She-Hulk turned her around and slammed her through the door. The large place was furnished like a large apartment with a hot tub and other areas as Titania is slammed to the ground. The kitchen pots and pans smash to the floor from the tremor as the little pet cage with a rabbit in it bounces.
“Ugh She-Hulk, how the hell did you find me.” From the corner of her eyes she saw Wade waving.
“Heya Mary, loved what you did to the place, is Carl here?”
“Wade….when I get my hands on you…” Titania growls but there’s a hint of fear in her voice.
“Carl’s away…” She says before punching She-Hulk through the hot tub. She promptly pounces on the green hero as they both try to strangle one another.
Dawn walks into the room behind Wade trying to stay as far away from the fighting powerhouses as possible.
“Wade do something!”
“Why it’s… so…hypnotic... three gorgeous girls, hot tub and all that’s needed is some pistachio Jello. Hey Titania is there any…” A knife flies right next to ‘Pools head. “Okay, okay fine, fine. Ruin my fun.” Walking around to the cage he pulls the rabbit from it. “Okay Mary…you stop right now…or the rabbit gets it. And hasenpfeffer is some good eating.”
“What…no…Wade it’s a cute little bunny,” Dawn moans as she pulls it from Wade’s hands.
“Dawn…give me that back, I had the bunny first…”
As he tears it away from Dawn, she kicks him in the shins, but he holds it up out of Dawn’s reach.
Titania’s eyes widen. “No …leave him alone put him down…” She completely falls limp in She-Hulk’s grasp.
“I mean it…” Deadpool puts his sword against the rabbit’s neck, while pushing Dawn away. “We’ll be eating good...wooooah…” Touching the cold steel the rabbit suddenly changes to match the element, in this case steel. And with that change comes the added weight of the metal causing Wade to fall over. And directly after that… the metal rabbit pounces on the mercenary.
“Ahhhh the bunny’s attacking me… someone helllllppp…” The three women stare a bit before She-Hulk points her thumb at the scene as she holds Titania.
“Let me guess, the Absorbing Man is the bunny.” Titania nods sobbing.
“Heeellp it’s going after my ankles! It’s chewing through my ankles!!!” he pulls out a gun and starts trying to shoot the rabbit.
“She… she came to us with a job. When Carl wouldn’t deal she turned him into a bunny then sent me after those five people…”
She sniffed as Deadpool screams louder…
“YEaaarhhhggg, I didn’t sign on to be the punch line of some Monty Python joke….” Dawn walks over and opens a book she gathered from her large backpack. “Its probably magic, lets see what we can do…”
“Really?” She-Hulk lets go of Titania who kneels down and pats the floor. The rabbit bounces off the mercenary hopping to Titania clanging all the way as the woman snuggles the metal rabbit in her arms. Wade twitches a bit, body battered, bruised, and gnawed on.
“I’m….calling animal control on you. bad rabbit, maaaaad rabbit.” The three ignore him as Dawn says a small spell and closes her eyes.
“Jeeze whoever cast the spell is one powerful sorceress. That’s real high level magic…but the good news is the magic should run out in a few days. He’ll be back to normal soon.”
“Oh thank you…well... after I kidnapped them, I was told to touch them with this.” She pulls out a rock which she only touched with her gloved hand.
“I think it teleports people to another universe because the woman mentioned she didn’t come from this one.” Dawn says another spell as She-Hulk rolls her eyes.
“Ohhh and I was thinking this would be simple…” But Deadpool obviously had a different frame of mind.
“ROADTRIP!!!” He hobbled up onto two legs. Dawn looks it over.
“You guys don’t have to go with me, this isn’t your fight but I won’t say any help wouldn’t be appreciated…” She smiles.
She-hulk rolls her eyes and grabs ‘Pool and Dawn.
“Well I had nothing else to do today.” She grabs the rock a minute later they were standing outside next to a road going to what looked like a large city. The day was quickly turning to twilight as they read the sign. It showed the name, Gotham City. Deadpool turned around.
“What a twiiiist!”
Disclaimer: Taking place after season 7 of an alternate Buffyverse. Dawn and co are owned By Joss and Fox while Deadpool and others are owned by Marvel and DC.
Authors note: The authors would like to say that all reviews are welcome. However flames will be forwarded to Deadpool and She-hulk. So if you wish to flame leave your full name and they can find you from there. If you don’t they’ll have to track you down and it’ll be worse on you.