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Plaid Skirts and Hand Grenades

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Summary: A birthday wish sends Buffy's life in an unexpected direction. Can a slayer survive the D.E.B.S. Academy? Will they survive her?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > D.E.B.S.(Moderator)acsFR1837,9680214,7883 Jan 1019 Feb 14No

Birthday Wishes

Disclaimer: This is a derivative work. All BtVS characters belong or were created by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy. All characters from DEBS belong to Angela Robinson. The Mouse owns what little Kim Possible IP appears. 'Wormhole Extreme' belongs to whomever owns Stargate. This story (plot, situation, original characters and dialogue) is my idea.
Summary: A Slayer, the D.E.B.S. Academy. A recipe for mayhem.
Spoilers:First 5 seasons of BtVS. DEBS & Kim Possible - all.
Author's Notes: This isn't in response to any challenge, though there are several that it seems to meet. I was watching DEBS and had a vision of Buffy dressed as a DEB. Expect a very infrequent update frequency as time and other fic'age allows.
Word Count: 2,557 (1 of ?)
Updated 1/9/2014 - fixed timeline errors.



The waitress placed the cake on their table, lit the candles and and stepped back. "Blow out the candles and make a wish," her mother said.

The ritual drilled into her since childhood, Buffy took a deep breath and blew out the candles, doing her best to ignore the tiny Kim Possible figure Dawn had stuck in the middle. Watching the smoke drift up she idly wondered what it would be like to have a life like Dawn's favorite Disney heroine. Flying around the world, fighting supervillains. But maybe not the strange sidekicks.

"Granted!"

"What?" Buffy looked up at the waitress in horror as her features briefly blurred into the distinctive appearance of a Vengeance demon and back. "I didn't wish for anything," she said, as she blacked out.



Taking a deep breath, Buffy knocked on the Director's door. She'd managed to stay out of trouble for almost six months straight so the summons had come as a surprise.

"Enter!" the familiar voice shouted.

Cautiously opening the door, Buffy stepped into the room, pulling it shut behind her. Ignoring the other occupant of the room, Buffy came to a stop in the center of the room and stood at attention, waiting for Dr. Director to finish looking through the thick folder on her desk.

Buffy really hoped it wasn't her file. By Global Justice standards, even after two years on the job she was still considered a rookie. But as one of the few people in the organization who could go toe-to-toe against some of the more violent super-criminals, now that the independent Kim Possible was taking time off to go to college, and Shego had announced her sudden retirement, her file was growing in leaps and bounds.

Not matter what the career day aptitude test in high school had said, she really hadn't thought she was law enforcement material. She was too used to being an independent agent herself. But Global Justice had offered her something no one else had, not even the Council. They'd given her a workable way to keep Dawn safe and have a future herself.

They'd noticed her after the Initiative fiasco, though they hadn't come recruiting her until after her mother died, showing up on her doorstep with Dawn, whom they'd rescued from Glory. They'd helped keep Dawn out of Glory's hands long enough for time to solve that problem. An organization used to dealing with super-villains had no problems outmaneuvering a two-bit former hell goddess for a couple days.

They'd then gone on to extract Faith from prison, putting her into a twelve step program for villains who wanted to reform, and setting her up on the Sunnydale Hellmouth. In the process they'd twisted a few arms, rattled a few skeletons in Council closets, and freed Buffy from future Council control.

Closing the folder, Dr. Director looked up at Buffy. "Agent Summers, have a seat." She nodded at the chair in front of her desk. "You've shown remarkable progress this year. Agent Du has nothing but praise for how you've handled yourself."

"Thank you ma'am," Buffy said, trying not to wince. Becoming a team player after so many years working solo with only Giles, Willow, and Xander as backup had been a painful and humbling learning experience.

"Although I hate to lose someone of your calibre from his team, an assignment has come up that I believe you are eminently suited for," she said.

"Ma'am?"

"Mr. Phipps has agreed to let us place an undercover agent within his organization," she said, gesturing towards the other person in the room.

"Ma'am?"

"He runs the D.E.B.S. training academy at Jameson University."

Frowning, Buffy turned to look at him. In the eyes of most of her fellow GJ agents, the D.E.B.S. were nothing more than a publicity stunt, even more so after that campy movie had come out. "Why me, ma'am?"

"Besides fitting the profile for one of their students, you had a perfect score on one of their entrance exams," Dr. Director said.

"No way!" Buffy blushed. "Sorry ma'am. I thought that was something Hollywood made up for that movie."

"No," Mr. Phipps said. "It actually exists, though that is a simplified version of what we test for, and a perfect score isn't as rare as the movie claims."

"I took the SAT years ago," Buffy protested. "Why bring this up now?"

"It wasn't the SAT," Dr. Director said. "You took the LSAT when you finished training."

"Everybody here takes that," Buffy said.

"Correct."

"But..."

"We use several different tests to select candidates for our training programs," he said.

"What will I be doing?" Buffy asked.

"Mr. Phipps will brief you on your role," Dr. Director said. "You have three weeks to finish up your current cases. And then you're all his."

"And my sister?" Buffy asked.

"Mr. Phipps is aware of your family situation," Dr. Director said. "It has been taken into consideration. If you would see him to his car?" she added, dismissing both of them.

"Yes, ma'am," Buffy said, keeping her face blank at the rearrangement of her personal life without being consulted. Some of the older agents claimed the director wasn't anything like her comic book alter-ego, Nick Fury, but Buffy didn't believe them. From where she stood, Dr. Director was even more controlling.



Buffy waited until they were in the elevator to ask any questions. "How undercover is this? Really?" she asked. "I have a sixteen year old sister that I'm responsible for."

"Agent Summers," he began.

"Buffy," she corrected him.

"Miss Summers," he said firmly. "Your status as a Global Justice agent will be known only to myself, my assistant, and the D.E.B.S. regional director, Mrs. Petrie. You will be a member of our next D.E.B.S. cadet class. It starts in six weeks."

"And my role?"

"We will discuss that after you settle in," Mr. Phipps told her. "Until then you will be treated like any other incoming student."

"And my sister?"

"All cadets are required to live in D.E.B.S. provided housing. Students from a non-traditional background such as yourself are allowed to live in family housing once the term starts. She will be able to live with you."

"She's in high school."

"There's a prep-school associated with the Academy," he told her. "It is open to qualifying D.E.B.S. family members."

"Sound simple," Buffy said, escorting Mr. Phipps out of the building.

Stopping at his car, he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a large manila envelope with 'Confidential' stamped across it. "This is the information packet provided to all incoming students such as yourself, after they pass the entrance interview and background check."

"Thanks," Buffy murmured, taking the envelope.

"Any other questions?" he asked.

"How much of what was in that movie is true?" Buffy finally asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"It is loosely based on real events," he said reluctantly. "However, it is a parody. Real D.E.B.S. are professionals and would never behave in such a manner. If you wish to know more it is covered in the 'PR and Propaganda' seminar in sixth term."

"Okay."

"My assistant will contact you to work out the details in several weeks," he said. Starting up his car, he rolled up his window and drove off.



"Hey Buffy!"

"How was the trip?" Buffy asked, popping the trunk open so Dawn could put her bags in it.

"The usual," Dawn said, slamming the trunk and joining Buffy in the car. "Got stuck next to a nerd on the flight back. I now know more than I want to about some show called 'Wormhole Extreme'."

"You'll recover," Buffy said. "How're Willow and Tara?"

"You talk with Willow almost every week," Dawn said.

"It's not the same," Buffy said.

"Willow's mostly happy," Dawn said. "She claims to miss the insanity of the Scoobie days but you should see some of the stuff she's doing for her dissertation."

"What about Tara?"

"She's still having those nightmares, but she's getting better," Dawn told her, playing with the radio.

"Moving away from Sunnydale was the best thing for her," Buffy said.

It was quiet, except for the sound of the radio, the rest of the way home.

"Have you heard from Giles?" Dawn asked, dropping her bags in the kitchen.

"In the four weeks you've been gone? Nope," Buffy said. "He's still doing the nomadic Demon hunter thing with Faith. I did hear from Xander though. He's finally convinced Anya to move."

"How'd he do that?" Dawn asked. "Make a trail of hundred dollar bills leading out of town?"

"Since Faith and Willow closed the Hellmouth she's been making more money over the Internet," Buffy said, trying not to laugh at the image Dawn's words painted in her head.

"Have they decided where?"

"Nah, they're just started looking. They want a safe place to raise kids," Buffy said.

"Anya's pregnant?" Dawn stared at her.

"Scary idea, huh," Buffy said, "but no. What did you want for dinner?"

"What've you got?" Dawn pulled open the fridge. "Kind'a empty. When was the last time you went shopping?"

"A couple weeks ago? Maybe?" Buffy said. "I've been swamped at work. We'll have to order out."

"Who's on the hitlist this month? Anyone famous? Mad scientist? Former 50's tv hero gone bad?" Dawn asked eagerly as she dug through a well worn pile of take-out menus.

"No one," Buffy said, shaking her head at Dawn's enthusiasm. "I have a new assignment coming up and I have to clean off my desk before it starts. And we need to talk about how it's going to affect you."

"Me?" Dawn squeaked.

"It's kind of, sort of, undercover..." Buffy said.

"That's a promotion, isn't it?" Dawn asked, holding up a menu for her favorite pizza place.

"Not sure," Buffy said, nodding at her selection. "It might be considered that by some."

"How long?"

"At least a year?" Buffy said.

"A year?" Dawn stared at her. "What about me?"

"You're coming with me," Buffy said.

"What if I don't want to?" Dawn asked. "Not saying I don't but what are my options?"

"There are several," Buffy said, relieved at Dawn's show of maturity. "It's probably too long for Willow and Tara, though we can ask them. If it were only a couple weeks, I'd say they were the first choice. But not for this long. Or you could go to a boarding school."

"I can't stay here, can I," Dawn said.

"No, that isn't one of the options," Buffy said.

"If you want me to go along, it must not be dangerous," Dawn said. Holding up the phone, she waved the menu.

"Safer than Sunnydale," Buffy said, as soon as Dawn had finished ordering the pizza.

"That's not a ringing endorsement," Dawn grumbled. "Can you tell me what the assignment is? Or is it a secret."

"I haven't been briefed on it yet, but I expect it to be classified, so, no, I can't tell you," Buffy said.

"Do you at least know where it is?" Dawn said grumpily.

Nodding, Buffy retrieved the brochures she'd gotten from Mr. Phipps from her home office. "Here's where you'll go to school, if you pass the entrance exam," she said, sliding one folder across the table.

"Jameson University Prep School?" Dawn stared at it for a minute before opening it. "Well, at least it's in California. No more cold winters is a plus. How are you going to pay for this? Wouldn't public school be cheaper?"

"It's one of the perks," Buffy said, "of the assignment."

"What'll you be doing while I'm prepping?" Dawn asked. "Ugh, they wear uniforms," she said, leafing through the brochure.

"Lying about my age," Buffy said.

"Don't you do that already?" Dawn said with a laugh.

"I have to be eighteen for this," Buffy said.

Dawn tilted her head slightly and stared at her. "It's only four years difference. Change the makeup and get clothes that are actually in style and you can do it."

"I'm always in style," Buffy protested.

"Yeah, for a Global Justice agent who wears uniforms all the time." Dawn giggled. Suddenly paling, she said, "You aren't going undercover at that prep school are you? We aren't going to have any classes together, are we?"

"Hold onto the panic," Buffy said. "I'll be nearby but I won't be taking any classes at the prep-school."

"Phew!" Dawn wiped her arm across her forehead in an exaggerated manner. "So, where will you be?"

Grimacing, Buffy slid the other folder across the table.

"D.E.B.S.?" Dawn murmured, grabbing the folder. "Wasn't that a movie?"

"There might have been a movie," Buffy admitted.

"Discipline, Energy, Beauty, and Strength? Corny, but cute," Dawn said. "Women only? Glad I'm going to the 'prep'. At least it's got boys." Turning a few more pages, she stopped at a picture. "It's a spy school? You're going undercover at a spy school?"

Buffy nodded.

"So, teaching?" Dawn looked up at Buffy and shook her head. "Not if they want you to be younger. And undercover means no one knows you work for Global Justice. Um, peer counselor?"

"No," Buffy said glumly.

"Oh, I get it," Dawn said, grinning. "Too bad it isn't co-ed. You'll look all sorts of cute in a plaid skirt. Do you have to actually go to classes?"

"Yes."

"That sucks," Dawn said. "What about this part?" she pointed at a shaded section for the calendar for the first term. "Says 'D.E.B.S. H.A.S.E.'"

"It's kind of a mini boot camp for all new students," Buffy said. "There's a description on page 30."

"Should be easy after that six month agent training you did when you started at Global Justice," Dawn said, turning to that page. "You have to live in a dorm while that is going on?"

"Yup," Buffy said, grimacing at the thought of the three weeks of physical training and evaluation.

"Do I get to stay with Willow while you're doing that?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"'Fraid not," Buffy said. Taking back the 'Prep' brochure, Buffy found the page on entrance requirements. "You have entrance exams and orientation those weeks."

"Ugh. Can I change my mind?"

"Nope."

"When do we get to go house hunting?"

"We don't. We'll share a house with several D.E.B.S. graduates doing advanced studies the first year."

"Okay." Dawn said. "When are we moving?"

"You have two weeks to pack your things, decide what you want to put in storage, and say goodbye to all your friends."

"In a rush much?"

"Not my idea. At least you don't have to go to work also," Buffy grumbled. "And Dawn?"

"Yes?"

"You can't tell anyone," Buffy said. "No one at the D.E.B.S. Academy is supposed to know I work for Global Justice. And no one, not even Willow or Giles, is supposed to know that the D.E.B.S. Academy is at Jameson University."

"No one knows you work for G.J. now," Dawn said. "Except Giles and the gang. All my friends think you're somebody's assistant who travels a lot."

"Well, now you can tell them that I'm going back to college," Buffy said. "Okay?"

"College, not spy school. Got it. So who's paying for dinner?" she asked, hearing someone knocking on the front door.

"The pizza money is in the same place as always," Buffy told her.
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