“You're hurt!” Dawn exclaimed and immediately started fussing over the possessed Xander much to his amusement.
Ted carefully assessed the situation, Xander had warned them that what he was doing could make him a threat to Dawn and his actions during the fight had shown strength and speed beyond the human norm. Still, Xander didn't appear to be hostile to Dawn even if his body language did seem to be a bit more aggressive at the moment.
“Oh dear,” Giles worried, paling.
“What?” Joyce asked worriedly.
“Xander was once possessed by a Primal Animal spirit, a hyena to be precise. Under its influence he ate a live pig, assaulted people, almost destroyed his relationship with Willow and …”
“He attempted to … sexually assault Buffy,” Giles admitted.
“Oh, you had me worried for a moment,” Joyce replied.
His wounds cleaned, Xander made his move; pressing his body full length against Dawn's he pinned her to the car and covered her mouth with his own.
Ted decided that this may have been what Xander was worried about, and stepped forward only to find the barrel of Dawn's gun in his nose.
“Might as well try to light the sun on fire,” Joyce muttered with a hint of amusement.
“Oh!” Giles exclaimed as what she meant sunk in.
“I'll go take care of the corpse,” Ted said, figuring Dawn was a better judge of if Xander was a threat to her or not, and not wanting to have to replace his nose.
He winced when he heard the back door of his car open; he just knew they were going to make a mess. Glancing back he saw Dawn push Xander into the back seat before pouncing him.
“Aren't hyenas a matriarchal species?” Joyce asked.
“I believe so,” Giles replied.
The Hyena spirit began to turn submissive as the aggressive female atop him set off his instinctive reactions, allowing Xander to push it back down and regain control of himself. “Dawn!” he said as she pulled back to breathe.
“Xander!” she purred and descended upon him again.
Ted stripped Envy of anything valuable and used several special subroutines he'd developed transferred everything Envy owned into Xander's name just as he'd done for Dawn after he'd heard Xander tell her that the winner received all the loser's property.
He made a mental note to make sure that the three Terakan assassins who had previously come to Sunnydale had all their possessions transferred as well.
Popping open the trunk and ignoring the way the car was rocking, he checked on the status of his latest project and was happy to see it was at 92%.
Dawn climbed out of the back seat and slammed the door closed behind her. “Back in control of himself!” she growled, obviously frustrated. “Fricken hyena spirit!”
Envy's eyes suddenly popped open and he slowly climbed to his feet.
Harmony groaned. “That is so cheesy!”
“What?” Cordelia asked.
“Everyone knows you have to cut off the badguy's head or he's just going to come back. Xander's seen Evil Dead, he should know the rules better than this!”
“This is real life, not a movie,” Cordelia pointed out.
“It’s more like a reality show,” Harmony countered, “crossed with a horror movie.”
“It’s actually happening! There is no script! They aren't actors!”
“Art imitates life.”
Cordelia frowned. “I'm not sure if that's really profound or amazingly stupid.”
“I'm just saying the rules apply in this situation; if he had cut off Envy's head while he was down he wouldn't have to face him again.”
“Point,” Cordelia conceded nodding.
Xander groaned and straightened his clothes. He really needed to talk to Joyce before Dawn got too upset with him. Climbing out of the car he approached Dawn who suddenly whipped out her pistols and firing two quick shots – dropping Envy to the ground with most of his nose and the back of his head gone.
“Oh yeah, zombies...” Xander muttered, as he recalled why they had left Sunnydale in the first place just before he found his arms full of sniffling Dawn.
“No longer mad at me?” he asked cautiously.
“I was never mad at you,” Dawn said tearfully. “I'm just frustrated because the hyena in you is such a tease. Now be a good boyfriend and hold me, because I hate having to kill things that look like you.”
“Barely looked like me at all,” Xander said, “it wore green sweaters and had a huge hole in its chest, I lack both those things.”
“It’s not funny,” Dawn said, snickering.
“I'm just saying there's a big difference between me and some foreign knockoff. I bet if you pulled the string on his back he'd say things like 'Give me twinkies,' in a completely unconvincing Xander voice.”
“Or 'I laugh at danger, and then I hide until it goes away, dude.'”
“Ok, I feel a bit better,” Dawn admitted, “of course if you really want to make me happy …”
“I need to talk to Joyce first, but I believe we have a cell phone with us,” Xander said thoughtfully.
Dawn squealed and gave Xander a kiss that almost dropped him as effectively as she'd dropped the zombie him a second ago.
Dawn reminded him of what her mom's cell phone number was and pushed him toward the car.
The slight delay as Xander stumbled to the car and dug out the cell phone proved to be too much, as people all across the US people began calling Joyce and he couldn't get through.
“No, I … Sorry but its … I'm waiting for a call,” Joyce said and quickly hung up only for the phone to ring again, after a couple of minutes of talking to fans of the show Joyce sighed and turned off the ringer. There was no way Xander was going to be able to get through.
“No luck,” Xander told Dawn, “she's probably busy coordinating the search for Buffy with Giles.”
“Fine,” Dawn pouted, “but you'd better be paying attention to how patiently I'm waiting.”
“But you're not waiting patiently,” Xander replied.
“MY POINT!” Dawn yelled, waving a fist in the air.
Xander laughed so hard his sides hurt. “We'll keep trying every half hour or so,” he promised when he'd regained his breath.
“You have until midnight,” Dawn said, calming down.
“What happens then?” Xander was forced to ask, but Dawn didn't answer she just turned away and returned to the car.
“What do you want done with the corpse?” Ted asked, shaking Xander from his thoughts.
“Huh? Oh yeah, him... If the head was in better condition I could think of a dozen different pranks to play with him, only some of which are felonies,” he replied, “as is, make sure no one can connect it to us or mistake it for me.”
“Tire iron and some gasoline will take care of dental records and prints,” Ted promised as he handed Xander a small bag.
“Envy's wallet, watch and ring,” Ted explained cheerfully, “you'll get a list of bank accounts and properties in the mail sometime next week. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll see to the body.”
Xander shrugged and pocketed everything before joining Dawn in the car. “Ted is going to take care of the body, then we're off again. We have an hour and a half until Sloth comes after us.”
“Another three chances for you to try to talk to my mom,” Dawn said with a grin.
“Yep, then we deal with Sloth and somewhere in there we should call Giles at the Comfort Inn, room 212,” Xander said cheerfully, “so we can destroy the book.”
Giles groaned as the hotel room’s phone began to ring.
Holland shook his head. “It seems a shame they'll get killed before they get a chance to consummate their relationship.”
The necromancer nodded. “I'd agree with you, but $20 says she gets impatient and jumps him before the deadline.”
“I'll take that bet with a side bet for the same that they get taken out before midnight.”
AN: Typing by Godogma in between giggle fits.Omake
Haha, dangly parts!
“We aren’t broadcasting that to the networks, are we?” one of the station hands asked, as they watched Dawn and Xander destroy the shocks on a classic car.
“The FCC would kill us,” the programming director said wide eyed. “And I don’t mean that as an expression, I mean the FCC would make some calls and we would end up as an overpass somewhere!”
“Then why does it say we are still broadcasting?” the station manager asked nervously.
“Broadcasting to the networks would get us killed, this is for the Pay-Per-View special.”
“I’m pretty sure she underage,” one of the stage hands pointed out. “I think I’d rather be part of an overpass than a prison bitch for making child porn.”
“Relax its being broadcast to a porn studio in LA that is faithfully recreating the scene with ‘of age’ porn stars on the fly.”
“Julie honey, you’re up,” the director said, waving forward a short brunette who’d been injected with enough silicon to kill a small elephant.
“Send in the stunt cock!” the assistant director called out
A large black man stepped forward, wearing just a flannel shirt and with his left hand painted silver.
“Hold on a second!” the director yelled.
“This is our stunt cock, the man chosen to stand in for Xander Harris?”
“And you don’t see a problem with this?” the director asked
The entire cast and crew of the porn shoot exchanged glances and shrugged chorusing, “No.”
“Alright,” the director said with a sigh.
The assistant directors eyes lit up. ”Ahhhh, I know what you’re thinking boss, but don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.”
“Really?” the director asked doubtfully.
“Yeah, I got Xander's measurements from a girl that goes to school with him; one Harmony Kendoll,” the assistant director said proudly. “And Tyrone’s a perfect match!”
“You’re up Tyrone,” the director said with a shrug. “Make us proud!”
Tyrone licked his right palm and smacked himself on the ass before hurrying into the shot.
“Can you show us the Pay-Per-View feed?” the station manager asked curiously.
The programming director flipped a switch and the stations monitors showed a live feed from the studio in LA.
*boom chicka now wow*
“Not bad,” the weather girl said, taking in the set the porn studio had set up to mimic the back seat of Ted’s classic car and the performers. “They really did a great casting job.”
The station manager blinked. “You don’t see a problem with this?”
The TV station’s cast and crew took in the scene carefully and chorused, “No.”
The station manager shrugged. “Well, it worked for Orgasmo.” Omake
Pop culture observations
Cameron frowned. “The Ted unit should not have abandoned his duty so easily.”
Sarah just raised an eyebrow seeing the show garner such an emotional response from the female terminator unit.
John chuckled. “The Eros Death machine was made for love not war. It’s nice to see an android that can do more than just kill people.”
“I am superior to the Ted unit in every way,” Cameron retorted. “While his form covering may mimic organic tissue, mine is organic tissue. Sexual activity with him actually endangers his partners health, while I have enough knowledge of human coupling techniques to keep my partner in perfect health thru sex alone.”
“Well there’s an exercise program I wouldn’t object to,” john snickered.
“That’s obscene,” Sarah said. “Machines don’t belong in the bedroom.”
“How many packs of energizers-“ john began.
“Finish that sentence and you’re grounded till judgment day. I need a drink,” Sarah said before leaving.
“So… fully functional you said?”Omake
The world of tomorrow!
“Of course then Skynet had the brilliant idea of making sex bots, so humans wouldn’t mate with each other and would die out,” Bender explained.
“And then what happened?” Fry asked fascinated.
“Well, it turns out you meat bags are pretty irrational. The male android were kind sensitive and caring, just like women wanted, so they cheated on them with human males that treated them like disposable tissues. Yeah, the Homemaker’s Obedient Male Option units were all deemed failures and discontinued.”
“Well how about the guys? You can’t tell me the guys had a problem with female sex bots!”
“The male meat bags were happy as clams… until the female androids got fed up with all the messes they made and went on strike. Even hardwired commands couldn’t make them wash underwear with skid marks in it.”
“So what happened to Skynet?”
“I think it runs a dating site for robots these days, and its still got a contract with the government to kill off all the humans, but you know how government contractors are, they promise you a death star and try to sell you the moon after they’ve painted it black.”