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The Isn't List

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Summary: Short Xander-centric stories. Explanations for how various things got added to the 'Things Xander Harris Is No Longer Allowed To Do' list. Some will be crossovers, and others won't.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Ficlet CollectionsGreywizardFR1534,63023012,10031 Jan 1013 Feb 10Yes

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"– A Holiday Humor –"

Okay, after losing all electrical power, cable and my internet connection for several days due to a snowstorm which was apparently a refugee from "The Day After Tomorrow," I've managed to get back in time to post this chapter for the holiday.

Read it and let me know what you think. ;-)


Disclaimer: See the end of the chapter to find out who owns who.

Cleveland, OH

February 14, 2004

"Holidays suck!" Buffy Summers declared vehemently, a morose expression on her face as she greeted her best friend as he joined her in the rec room of the Cleveland Slayer House.

"Especially Valentine's Day!"

The petite blonde was currently huddled in one corner of the massive couch that took up most of one wall of the rec room, secluded from the majority of the other inhabitants, a pout marring her lovely features as her housemates all got themselves ready for their respective dates.

"Tell me about it," Xander Harris agreed as he dropped onto the other end of the couch and pulled a dark brown bottle out of the brown cardboard case he'd carried in with him.

"Even Giles has a date tonight! How depressing is that?" Xander commented with a frown.

"What's that you're drinking?" Buffy asked, her interest momentarily piqued by the emblem on the bottle her fellow dateless unfortunate was holding

"Something new I discovered a couple months back – it's called Arrogant Bastard Ale," Xander informed her with a small grin, holding the bottle up so she could get a better look at the scowling, horned being which was apparently the brewery's symbol.

"Ran across it when we were in Denver breaking up that group who were trying to summon John Lennon back from his home plane of Elysium," he elaborated as Buffy gave the bottle a narrow-eyed inspection.

"Are you sure that stuff isn't demonic?" she demanded suspiciously.

"Nope, it's a completely and perfectly normal ale. It turns out that the brewery owners thought it would be funny to have a gargoyle as their company mascot," he explained as he took a sip.

"We had Willow and Stacey check out the brewery as soon as we found out about it, and they said that everything is 100% completely and totally normal about it," he elaborated. "It also tastes great.

"Want to try one?" he offered as he held the case out towards her.

"Yeah, I think I will, Xand. Thanks," Buffy gave him a small smile as she took one of the twenty ounce bottles and casually thumbed off the cap before taking a long pull of the amber fluid.

"Dawn's practically dancing on air, getting ready for her date with that Jarod guy she's been seeing, and she *really* loves the fact that she's got a date for tonight and I don't," the diminutive Slayer complained plaintively, a moment later.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, Buff," Xander commiserated as he took another gulp from his own bottle. "Will's all gooey-eyed over her date with Kennedy – she said something about the two of them going away for a few days on some sort of Valentine Day's holiday cruise.

"Heck, even all of the baby Slayers have dates for tonight," he noted semi-resentfully. "The only ones who don't are Rona's and Celeste's teams, and I heard them talking about how they're all going out on some sort of group date tomorrow night instead," he noted before taking another swallow of the amber liquid.

"Y'know, I suppose I really should have suspected that there was something different about Kate when I managed to go on three dates with her and no demons showed up to interrupt the festivities," Xander lamented mournfully a couple minutes later.

"After all, how many people actually consider that their date's ditching them and running out of the restaurant right before a federal marshal showed up to arrest her for murder to be a major improvement in their love lives?" he asked, only semi-rhetorically.

"I wonder if she ever did finally make it to Australia, like she said she was thinking of doing?" he wondered idly, having another drink.

"Both of our lives suck," Buffy agreed vehemently as she took another quick gulp from her bottle.

"That 'Jay' guy really pissed me off when he showed up last week and told Nathaniel that his visa had expired and he had to go back home right away," the petite blonde declared before guzzling down the contents of her bottle.

"'I'm sorry, Mr. Essex, but overstaying your visa by two hundred and thirty years isn't something the MIB can just let slide'," Buffy then sarcastically mimicked the black-suited agent's tones in a high, nasal voice. "'If you want to visit again, you'll need to resubmit all your paperwork.'

"Did you even know that there was some planet named Genosha?" she then asked with what Xander thought was an extremely cute-looking puzzled frown on her face. "I don't recall that name being mentioned in Mr. Ledbetter's science class.

"And I can't believe how totally unsympathetic Dawn was when I tried to tell her about what happened! She just kept on laughing and laughing! How was I supposed to know that Nathaniel was actually an *alien* kind of alien, and not human? He didn't give off any kind of demon vibes at all!" she complained.

"I figured he was just some kind of human sorcerer or something," she elaborated.

"Especially since he didn't try to kill any of us the first time we met."

"I think there's actually a pretty simple explanation for everything that's happened to us, Buff," Xander said, after taking a moment to give both of their situations due consideration. "Our lives suck!

"Want another beer?" he then asked, as he drained his own bottle.

"Yeah, that sounds good to me, Xand," Buffy nodded her agreement.

"You know, if I have to listen to Dawn going on about how smart her boyfriend is any longer, I'll probably end up strangling her," she commented as she accepted the second bottle he handed her.

"Goddess! From the way she talks, you'd think he could learn everything you needed to know about anything overnight, just by reading a bunch of books or something!" Buffy complained as she took another long pull of the liquid ambrosia, too.

"You know, this stuff is actually really good," she decided as she took another look at the bottle.

"Yeah, it is," Xander agreed. "Is there anything to eat left in the kitchen? Stacey was complaining earlier about there not being any snacks left after lunch. She said that Andrew didn't make the usual food run because he left early to meet his date. And she made some comment about not being able to tell whether this 'Jean' person is actually a girl or a guy."

"I don’t know," Buffy shook her head. "I think there might be some frozen pizza or at least some pretzels or chips left. And is there anything even worth watching on TV tonight?

"I think it's mostly reruns of reruns," she noted semi-reflectively as she drained the bottle in her hand.

"And pass me another bottle there, will you?"


Buffy smiled to herself as she slowly and reluctantly rose through the layers of sleep in response to the persistent sunlight beating against the outside of her eyelids.

{ Damn, that definitely was some dream, } she smirked to herself as scattered fragments of what would unquestionably qualify as hard-core mattress mambo action floated through her mind.

{ It's a damn shame I can't find a guy who could do that in real life, } she reflected half-regretfully to herself as she tried to ignore the vestiges of the hangover that were hovering on the fringes of her awareness.

{ Mmmm, nice pillow, } she decided as she rolled over to escape the intruding sunlight and snuggle more cozily up against the well-muscled chest she'd discovered, trying to reclaim the deeper layers of sleep she'd just reluctantly been woken from as she draped her leg atop the rest of the body attached to the chest her head was lying against.

{ Mmm, even nicer, } Buffy sleepily smirked to herself as she absently noticed the physiological response her proximity was producing, before abruptly freezing in place as she finally realized she was sharing her bed sheets with someone.

The abrupt stiffening – of her unseen partner's entire body, this time – informed her that he had suddenly become aware of her presence, too.

Cracking open her left eye, since the right side of her face was currently semi-smooshed against the aforesaid well-muscled chest, she turned her head and reluctantly peered through the blonde hair that was draped over her face to see an equally hesitant, chocolate brown eye staring down into hers.


"Uh – hi, Xand."

"Oh goddess, as if the headache I've got now wasn't enough of a problem –" he began before his mouth abruptly snapped shut.

"Uh, not that I meant finding out that we slept together was any kind of problem, Buff," he quickly added after a very brief consideration of his words.

"'Cause it isn't – sleeping with you, I mean – in the same bed and everything – even though we were both probably very drunk – and we're both completely naked and without clothes and – and – I mean – uh, I would never – oh crap, I'm a dead man – even deader than Deadboy is," Xander began babbling as more of the details of the situation began seeping into his hangover-throbbing head.

Buffy seemed to be somewhat amused at his reaction to their situation, but she took pity on him and put a reassuring hand on his chest as she said, "Relax, Xand. I know you would never try to take advantage of me.

"And given how we're both dressed – or not dressed – and considering what I thought were dreams, but which I'm now thinking are probably memories, I'm pretty sure we did a lot more than just sleep together," she then added with a mischievous grin.

"A *lot* more."

Xander was just beginning to relax slightly, at the realization that Buffy was apparently not upset that they'd slept (or not slept) together and wasn't looking to rip off parts of his body that he'd grown rather fond of over the years, when she grinned up at him with the kind of expression he'd always dreamed she'd look at him with all those years ago, back in high school, and said, "As long as we're both awake now, want to check out how the dreams compare to the real thing, Xand?"


February 15, 2004

Slayer House
Cleveland, OH

"So, what's with the big smile, Buffy?" Dawn inquired with an upraised eyebrow as she entered the kitchen and saw her sister sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, reading the paper, a serene smile on her face. "Did the Pope announce that he's decided to give the Council the Vatican library and give us its collection of jewelry and stuff?" Which was something that was actually possible since Xander and John Paul got along so well.

"Uh-uh," Buffy shook her head negatively as she took a sip of her coffee. "Everything's just fine, that's all. Why are you asking?"

Dawn smothered a yawn and poured herself a cup of coffee from the industrial-sized coffeemaker on the counter that Andrew had procured for each of the dorm kitchens shortly after they'd moved into the school buildings, as she looked suspiciously at her sister.

"Yesterday, you were all Miss Cranky-Pants and looked like you were auditioning for the part of the Grinch, and now suddenly, this morning, you're all relaxed and mellow and easygoing and stuff," she explained. "What happened to change you from Bitchy-Buffy to Miss All-Is-Fine-With-The-World?"

"What? Can't a person just wake up in the morning after getting a good night's sleep and just be all happy and pleasant?" Buffy replied with what Dawn termed her insufferable 'I know something you don't know' smile.

"Yeah, some people can," Dawn acknowledged with a reluctant nod. "But you're not one of them.

"Come on – spill!" she demanded. "What happened last night to make you this happy in the morning?

"I mean, really, the last time I saw you this perky this early in the morning, you'd actually just gotten home from being out on a date, after you'd gotten laid – a lot," Dawn commented, with a narrow-eyed look at her uber-annoying sister.

A moment later, Dawn's expression shifted from annoyance to one of surprised realization and then, a moment later, to a raunchy smirk that could have belonged to Faith.

"OH!! So, you really did get some last night, after all!" she grinned.

"What'd you do, borrow Xander's car after we all left? And where did you end up – that yuppie place Vi was telling us about? What's its name – Bellary's? Did Xand mind that you went out and left him all alone here, right after he got dumped by that Kate girl he'd just started going out with?"

The questions poured from Dawn's lips in a torrent and Buffy merely leaned back in her chair and waited tolerantly until the questions eventually tapered off, leaving Dawn leaning forward across the table, eager for whatever bits of gossip Buffy was willing to share with her.

Taking a final sip from her mug, Buffy straightened up and leaned slightly forward on her elbows on the table.

"Actually, Dawnie," she said conspiratorially, "I didn't leave the house last night, at all…"


Xander wasn't exactly sure what might have happened to put him in this situation, and he was extremely hesitant to say anything to anybody, either – especially since he didn't know exactly what the problem might be.

All he really knew for sure was that, for the past week, any time he'd seen her and tried to talk to her, Dawn had taken one look at him and her eyes would seem to glaze over for a moment or so, almost like she was remembering something, before she would abruptly snap back to normal. She would then immediately turned a brilliant shade of red, be unable to look him in the eye, and was apparently unable to say anything at all to him without stammering like a tax evader being quizzed by the IRS. And then, after spending less than a minute in his company, she'd find some sort of excuse to leave.

All in all, it was kinda unsettling.

Especially since the last time he'd encountered her and she'd gone through pretty much the exact same routine, she'd seemed to be almost drooling when she'd finally pulled herself out of that semi-trance state she'd been in.

If he didn't know better, he'd say Dawn was looking at him like a starving dog would be eying a prime hunk of beef.

He finally resolved to talk to Buffy about it – she might have some idea or some advice about what he could do.


From the 'Things Xander Harris Is No Longer Allowed To Do' list, Item #:

130) I am not allowed to refer to His Holiness as "Da Friggin' Pope!"
130a) It does not matter that His Holiness thought it was hilarious.
130b) Or that he blessed me, personally, and forgot Buffy.

298) I will not get drunk commiserating with Buffy about the lousy state of our respective love lives on Valentine's Day.
298a) Again.
298b) Nor will I mention to anybody what happened after we ran out of liquor.
298c) Ever.
298d) Especially not Angel or Spike.
298e) No matter how long afterwards Buffy had that silly smile on her face.
298f) On pain of Dawn killing me.


Disclaimer: The Scoobies all belong to Crack-Head Joss and ME. Deal with it. I have. John Lennon belonged to himself; Jarod belongs to Steve Long Mitchell and Craig W. Van Sickle; Nathaniel Essex belongs to Marvel Comics; Kate and any other 'Lost' references belongs to Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof; and Agent Jay and the Men In Black belong to Amblin Entertainment. Arrogant Bastard Ale doesn't belong to me, either, but is produced by Stone Brewing Co., in Escondido, CA. Anyone or anything else you think you might recognize probably doesn't belong to me, either. More's the pity. ;-(

The End

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