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A Piece of Golden Advice

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Summary: Set during season 6, Buffy and Spike have a little problem with a spell which leads to a dash of spuffiness, four old ladies, and some very delicious cheesecake. Can these two survive the sugar rush?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Golden Girls, TheJakeFR1511,9180147411 Feb 1011 Feb 10Yes
“This has to be the worst idea you’ve ever come up with. Where are we anyway?”

“Dunno, pet, but looks a bit tropical for California. ‘less the scenery’s changed in the past ten years or so. Think Red messed up the spell again?” Spike grasped Buffy’s hand tightly as he detected rustling from inside the patio home they had landed in front of.

Buffy snorted, temporarily ignoring the vampire’s hand clutching her own, “No sign of the demon and I’m seeing palm trees. Survey says: Willow screwed up yet another spell.”

“Ma! Ma, I am not leaving you at that place.” A woman’s voice crept beyond the patio door as the two ‘guests’ dove behind a conveniently placed potted plant as the voice grew closer.

A second voice joined the first. “But Dorothy, Denny wants to take me dancing and God only knows how long it will be before he buys the farm…”

“He bought a farm?” The third voice exclaimed as the patio door opened to reveal three older women, obviously looking to enjoy their evening without the unexplained company of guests. “This one time in Saint Olaf, my third cousin, twice removed of course, bought a farm. He had ducks and chickens, even a cow. He trained that cow to ‘Oh, America’, you know.”

The blond invaders shared a confused glance before nodding and standing in one swift motion, hands still clutched together, startling the homeowners.

Screams pierced the cool night air as the homeowners realized they weren’t alone on their back porch. Spike covered his sensitive ears with his hands, “Would you stop that bloody racket? We aren’t going to ‘urt you ‘n you bloody well can’t ‘urt us.”

The huddled foursome slowly separated into a jagged line, “You really aren’t here to hurt us? Why are you here then?”

“Take the old lady!” The petite woman cried out, fists shaking.

The tallest stepped forward and put a restraining hand on the eldest‘ arm. “Ma!” Shaking her head, she turned towards the confused blonde couple. “Who are you? You have five seconds to tell us who you are and what you want, otherwise I’m calling the police.”

Sensing that the older woman meant business, Buffy stepped forward, “ I’m Buffy Summers and this is Spike. Look, we don’t want any trouble…it’s just that we didn’t really mean to land here and…”

“No use givin’ away the endin’ before they read the prologue, pet. See me ‘n the slayer were following this demon ‘n Red sent us to the wrong place so if you’d all be dolls ‘n tell us where we are…we’ll jus’ be on our way.” Spike groaned at the confused looks and the one lustful coming from the brunette woman.

Blanche Devereaux stepped forward, gazing over the tight body of the man. “Now you look here, mister, you can’t just crash land on my patio talking about demons and expect us to let you just walk away. I want the entire story. Don’t think I won’t put you over my knee, sonny.”

Spike visibly shrunk, head hanging as the woman chastised him. “Sorry, ma’am. Didn’t mean nothing by it. ‘s jus’ it’s been a long day ‘n the slayer ‘n I jus’ want to go home.”

“In Sicily, we would have already hung you by your toenails while the goats bit on your hands. Next best thing is the double fudge chocolate cheesecake in the freezer.” The tiny woman shrugged.

“I’m sorry about my mother.” Dorothy Zpornack covered the older woman’s ears. “She’s crazy but surprisingly right about the cheesecake.” Addressing Buffy, she added, “Especially you. You look like you could use a couple of pounds.”

Keeping his eyes trained on the floor, Spike stepped forward and cleared his throat, “Don’t want to impose.”

“Nonsense. You’d be more trouble if you just walked away. Plus it gives us the excuse to use up that cheesecake.” Blanche’s eyes gleamed as she pushed the pair into the house, towards the kitchen and finally sitting them next to each other as the others prepared plates of cheesecake to share. “Now tell me, how is he in bed?” She asked, looking straight at the vampire.

Buffy choked and blinked, repeatedly. “Excuse me? What?”

“Well surely you two must be burning the bed sheets. Just look at how close you’re sitting together and the looks . We might have just met but Blanche Devereaux always knows when two people are enjoying mutual pleasure. So, how long?”

Buffy blanched while Spike mumbled, “Three months or so.”

Sophia glanced between the two of them, “She doesn’t want to commit. Back in 1922, I had the same problem. Guido Zanetti was in love with the merchant’s daughter but she was in love with the butcher’s son, Antonio Bagaretti. Needless to say, they didn’t eat meat for quite a few years after that.”

Dorothy shot her mother a glare, “What my mother means is that you two look very close and you should have the chance to be together if that’s what you want or you shouldn’t eat red meat.”

“Spike and I are not together. Never, ever together. He’s a vampire!” Buffy exclaimed, uncaring that the others in the room had no knowledge of vampires or slayers.

Blanche clucked her tongue in annoyance, “So just don’t go out into the sun with him! All men have there faults, you just have to enhance their good points. You two are quite attractive together, so what if he’s evil. He was holding your hand, my dear, if that isn’t the sign of a good man than you can just send me to the convent.”

Buffy continued to shake her head, avoiding Spike’s comforting arm laid across her shoulders. “It isn’t that easy. It’s not just me. God, if it was just me then this would be so easy but what about Xander and Willow? What would they say if they knew?”

Dorothy intervened, warding off Rose’s impending story about Saint Olaf and no doubt a cow or chicken, “Tell me, Buffy, are you dating either Xander or Willow? Or are they dating Spike?”

“Well, no, but after everything that happened with Angel…”

Spike slammed his fist against the table, “’m not bloody Angelus, pet. ‘ve told you that a million times ‘n proved it even more. Who stayed with the nibblet after you died? Who helped you defeat Adam when he could have turned against you? Could’ve gotten this chip out before now if I had gone with the git. Bloody hell! How many times do I ‘ave to tell you that you are the only woman I want, living or undead, ‘til you kick me to the curb? What does it bloody take with you?”

“You know this reminds me of this one time in Saint Olaf…”

“Not now, Rose. Buffy, you have to decide if being with Spike is worth the risk with your friends. Tell me, do you enjoy spending time with him?”

Buffy’s muffled ‘yes’ filled the room.

Dorothy continued, “Could you see yourself with Spike in five years?”

Again, she muffled ‘yes’ followed by a ‘if I’m still alive’.

Blanche interrupted, “So what you’re saying is you just want to have sex with this man as long as your friends don’t find out because they might not like it? Oh honey, we’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all been with men our friends didn’t necessarily like but the good men stick around and see it through. Same goes for those friends of yours. You just stand up for yourself and have faith in this man that he won’t run away. You won’t run away, will you?”

Spike shook his head vehemently, “No, ma’am.”

“I still don’t see what the problem is then. You two are obviously meant to be together. All that hogwash about being a vampire. Someone’s been watching too many reruns of Dracula, just kiss the boy and make up.” Blanche pointed at the twosome staring at the tabletop.


The loud cracking sound cut off anything Buffy would have said as they rushed to the living to see a cloud of smoke and two people emerging, coughing up the excess.

“Oh Godess, we found you. I’m so sorry, Buffy, I didn’t think the spell would send you here…” Willow paused as she took in the other occupants of the room. “Who are they?’

“My new friends- Rose, Dorothy, Blanche at Sophia. They’ve been helping me see the light about something.” Backing up, Buffy found herself wrapped in Spike’s arms as she pulled his head down for a heated kiss…right in front of Xander and Willow.

Xander blanched for a moment before realizing he had no more to argue Buffy’s apparent new relationship with the bloodsucking fiend. After all, he was engaged to an ex- vengeance demon and Spike hadn’t actually tried to kill him lately. “You shoot pool, Deadboy Junior?”

Spike grinned, “Been known to play a bit. That mean you’re actually willin’ to play with me?”

“If you and Buffy are going to be attached at the hip…or somewhere less around there… I’m going to have to live with it and I could use a new partner.” Xander shrugged.

Willow just grinned. Since she had brought Buffy back from the dead the blonde girl could barely crack a forced smile and now she was grinning like a madwoman at Xander’s proclamation. All was good in the world again…well, for the moment. “I’ll have to invest in earplugs if you’re going to be around the house, Spike. Not that I mind or anything. In fact, I probably won’t be home so you two can do whatever it is you want to do… and I’m rambling. What I’m trying to say is I have no problem with it and if you’re happy, we’re happy.”

Blanche nudged the other girls standing beside her in the doorway, “Now, you see there was no problem with her and her little friends. Now they can go back to wherever they’re from…where are they from?”

Dorothy just smiled, “They never did say. Something about the boy being a vampire and a spell…obviously they just took a wrong turn, probably at the supermarket.”

“You know we had the same problem in Saint Olaf…”

“Rose…” Blanche started.

“Just let her go. She either tells us now or she’ll work it in later. Go on, Rose.”

“Well, everyone always took a right at the cow-shaped rock instead of a left. Poor Mrs. Gerhugefluesen’s chickens, they were always being run over and the clucking. Do you know how hard it is for a deflated chicken to cluck? Well, do you?” Rose asked.

“Aw, look at that. They are just so cute together and look the other girl is chanting….is she getting sand all over my new carpet?” Blanche stepped forward just as the group went ‘poof!’

1 year later…

“Girls! Girls, I just got a letter from Buffy and Spike in Sunnydale, California. Turns out they’ve decided to get married and they wanted to invite us for giving them that push they needed. It’s on October 31st at midnight… well, that’s just strange to have a wedding on Halloween at midnight but they were quite odd. Vampires, indeed.” Blanche waved the invitation in the air for the others to see.

Note: I do not own the rights to Btvs or the Golden Girls. All characters/ situations are properties to their respective owners. This was written for fun, not for profit.

The End

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