"So I Get to Kill Evil Things Now?"
Nominated for Best Cartoon Crossover 2010!Author Notes:
This is a silly fun crossover with South Park, based on the South Park Season 12 Episode 12 ‘The Ungroundable’. Check here for information on that episode:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ungroundable. If you have not seen it, then it’s a spoof on the Twilight rage and Butters joins a group of kids who think they are vampires and after the initiation at Hot Topic Butters believes he is a vampire too.Summary:
Buffy & Willow head to South Park to find a new slayer; Butters thinks he’s a vamp; Cartman turns into a rat; And “YOU BASTARD, YOU KILLED KENNY!”Disclaimer:
Mighty God of Television, Joss Whedon, owns Buffy. Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central own the potty mouth kids from South Park. Warning:
Language, same words they use in South Park. I don’t approve of (all of) them but I do use them to keep in character. Character Death ;)
Buffy Summers pulled into the parking lot at South Park Elementary and glanced at the witch in the passenger side seat. “You sure we’re at the right place?”
Willow pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and nodded. Holding up her map of South Park, Colorado she pointed at the flashing blue mystical light. “Yuppers. My scrying points the school as the spot.”
Pursing her lips, Buffy slid up her pair of black sunglasses, and let out a sigh. “An elementary school kid? This sucks.”
Shrugging, Willow stepped out of the car and Buffy followed suit. Without another word the two women headed into the school
It didn’t take long for the map to lead them to their destination- a 4th grade classroom with the name ‘Mr. Garrison’ above the door. Since the door was half-closed they could hear the teacher lecturing in an angry tone.
“No, you little pipsqueak! Jesus was not
a vampire!” cried out the teacher, presumably Mr. Garrison.
“Oh yeah, then why did he rise from the dead? And tell everyone to drink his blood?” shouted an aggravated blond-haired boy wearing a dog collar and black clothing.
Buffy and Willow exchanged an amused look. “Jesus?” Buffy asked in a hushed tone.
Willow just shrugged. “Jewish, remember? Not big on the Jesus learning. Although I’m pretty sure he was not a vamp…”
“God dammit Butters! I’ve had it up to here with all you TwiHards! You, young man, are excused from this class until you learn to stop blasphemizing!”
The teacher waved his arm and the boy stomped sullenly towards the door. The boy, called Butters, saw Willow and Buffy outside and as he stalked past them he hissed angrily.
“Uh, this place is chock full of weirdness,” whispered Buffy.
“Maybe it’s good we were led to this girl then. Sounds like she’ll be needed around here,” said Willow with a wry grin. Then she knocked at the door; it had been decided that Willow would take the lead since she could do grown-up talk better then Buffy. Buffy, after all, was not a fan of school authority figures and thought it would be in everyone’s best interest to avoid the talk-y thing with them.
“Yes, who are you?” inquired Mr. Garrison with a skeptical eye. South Park didn’t get many visitors and when they did strange things happened.
“Good afternoon,” Willow began with a serene smile. “My name is Willow Rosenberg and this is my associate Buffy Summers. We’re here from the Academy for Gifted Young Women and need to speak to Bebe for a moment.”
“Bebe! You heard the lady, get moving!”
A young blond with wide eyes grabbed her books and followed the two women. They found that the Teacher’s Lounge was empty and they quickly shut the door and claimed seats around an oval table.
The two friends introduced themselves to Bebe and started the meeting off with the typical pleasantries. Then they got down to business.
“Bebe, have you been noticing anything different about you lately?” began Buffy with a kind expression.
“Uh. No. Um. Maybe,” sputtered the sweet-voiced girl.
Laying a hand across hers, Buffy gently squeezed it reassuringly. “Its okay if you’re feeling different.” Then Buffy went into the whole ‘Many girls in each generation, strength to fight the demons, blah, blah, blah speech’. That’s how Buffy thought of it, anyways.
Luckily, Bebe seemed to be excited about her new calling and began throwing out dozens of questions, including, “So I get to kill evil things now?”
Buffy grinned. She thought this girl was going to do fine. “Yes, of course. That is your calling.”
Bebe squealed. “Finally! I cannot wait to get that jackass Cartman!”
“Bebe! Please watch your mouth!” scolded Willow. Honestly, what fourth grade kid swears?
“Bebe, who is Cartman?” asked a concerned Buffy.
She let out an annoyed sigh. “Only the fattest, meanest, laziest kid in school. He’s absolutely awful and I hate him.”
Buffy bit her lip. “Ah, actually Bebe, Slayers do not kill human beings.”
“But he’s evil! I swear he is!”
“Even if he *was* evil- and I doubt a kid can be actually evil- you can put humans in jail but no killing. That’s bad. Got it?” Buffy clarified in her authoritative Slayer voice.
Bebe scrunched up her face in deep thought. “Fine.”
“Good. Now that we’ve covered the ‘No killing people rule’, let’s move on,” redirected Willow.
Butters let out a deep breath after the two women and Bebe left the Teacher’s Lounge. After Mr. Garrison had kicked him out he thought he would do what evil vampires do and steal his teacher’s pudding from the fridge. When he heard people coming he hid in the utility closet. Never did he expect to hear a conversation like the one he had just heard.
Butters was a wanted man. His days were numbered. He must tell the others that there was a battle-hardened Vampire Slayer in town and that Bebe had joined the ranks.
Butters’ new vampire friends hissed at the terrifying tale he had told of the Vampire Slayers.
“Those fools think they can destroy us?” rasped the Head Vampire Mike McCalsky. “They know not what great power we have.” He began cackling and soon the others joined in.
Butters fiddled with his hands and his right toe drew a line in the dirt around him. “Yeah, about that. What great powers do we have?” he asked nervously. “Just cause the Buffy lady sounded pretty scary and apparently they are super strong and know how to use weapons and karate.”
Mike shook his head disapprovingly. “Butters, are you not a believer?”
“Yes, yes sir,” Butters answered. Mike frowned. “I mean, yes sir, I am a believer. Sir.”
“Then fear not. Those silly mortals shall not touch us!”
The Vampire Kids let out a resounding cheer