Title : I Really Don’t Like Mondays
Author : Booster
Rating : 15
Summary : An ordinary working day for Angel at Wolfram & Hart.
Disclaimer : Angel and the Fang Gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
Setting : Takes place during Angel Season 5, directly after "Cautionary Tale of Numbero Cinco"
. There be SPOILERS for the first six episodes of Season 5.
Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth, FanFiction.Net. If anyone else wants it, just email and ask.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Author's Note : This fic won Shadows & Dust SDFA7's Seer Award for Best POV. Woot!
Finally reach office. Parking garage still too brightly lit for my tastes. Prefer to do my in car brooding in a darker environment. Traffic chaotic as normal – must ask Wes if that’s a Wolfram & Hart thing or whether humanity came up with gridlock themselves. Hope it’s a W&H thing. Much easier to fix that way. Chair still smells somewhat of pee – make note to have Maintenance switch it with Gunn’s next time he’s in court.
Harmony brings me standard morning mug of blood. Have no idea why she still keeps putting tiny marshmallows in, despite pleas.
I hate Mondays.8.45 am
New temporary mail guy turns up. Pros : Does not wear a mask and push me through windows. Cons : Really, really should wear a mask and attempts to stab me with Dagger of Yenal. Break his neck eventually and leave body for clean-up. Mental note – double Christmas bonus for cleaning crew this year.9.05 am
Arrive late for senior staff meeting due to incident with temporary mail guy. Eve sarcastic and makes several remarks regarding importance of punctuality. Have discovered smiling and nodding technique works on Eve just like with Cordelia on shopping expeditions. Wes inclined to back Eve up until distracted by shiny Dagger of Yenal.
Meeting goes as normal. Fred over budget, Lorne on phone throughout, Gunn using long words and Spike snarky. Cannot throw Spike out of meetings due to lack of solid body. Must look into having his habitual chair exorcised. Just out of curiosity, of course.
Gunn has several legal points to raise which no-one else can understand except for him, Eve and Wesley (when he’s not looking at Dagger of Yenal). Strongly suspect half of Lorne’s phone conversations not actually happening, but ruse to avoid Eve’s schedules. Brilliant idea – must steal it if at all possible.
Manage to slip away at end of meeting without being given one of Eve’s schedules. Am determined not to have my day arranged by her. Decide to tour building and investigate sub-level seven thoroughly.9.35am
Discover Eve left schedule with Harmony before meeting. Decide am getting too predictable. Will try to fix between 3.45 and 4.30 as only time spare.9.40am
Schedule update arrives. Have now got meeting between 4.00pm and 4.30pm.
I hate Mondays.9.45am
Checking schedule, I discover Eve has booked next 15 minutes as “Brooding / Staring out over LA time”. Am very annoyed and spend next 15 minutes sitting in chair instead. That’ll show her.10.00am
Inform Harmony to hold my calls until later. She apparently mishears and attempts to molest my genitals. Spike chooses this moment to walk through nearby wall. Histrionics ensue. Am not sure which is more annoying – Spike trying to swing immaterial fist through my head or Harmony’s constant cries of “But it says in my contract…”10.10am
Arrive late for meeting with Eve and Capatom demon sect. Try to explain reasons for lateness, but give up very quickly. Eve spends most of meeting pointedly sniffing and not looking at me. Accidentally having sex with Eve under a mystic influence is not helping us to get along.
Capatom demons want specific land site for ritual sacrifices. Threatening to kill everyone in apartment block unless access is arranged for them and llamas. Llamas not sacrifice, it turns out, but pets. Patiently explain that while Wolfram & Hart let them kill everyone last time (then apparently blew up building to hide tracks afterwards), branch is under new management and cannot repeat same actions.
Eventually agree on evacuating building by telling tenants that asbestos has been discovered in walls, and foot bill for their hotel stay, and consequent re-decorating to cover up ritual markings. Capatom leader not too happy until I point out building will still be intact for next rituals and will in fact save time on their consecrating of building. As this normally takes one week, Capatom leader very happy. Eve busy working out costs of hotel stays and not happy. Both results good.
Escape meeting early and head back to office.10.45am
Lorne literally bumps into me in corridor and demands opinion on swatches. Opt for plaid over bright lime green and am rewarded by somewhat disgusted and shocked look from Lorne. Looks like plan to avoid being consulted on interior decorating is working.
At least, was working until walked off, humming happily. New plan needed.10.55am
Attempt to check email, but system not working properly. Harmony in sulk and refuses to help, even after dismemberment threat. Constant references to “Blondie Bear” becoming annoying – some sort of new toy out?
Get up from chair and discover trousers slightly damp. Further investigations show that someone, probably going by the name of Spike, has tipped mug of blood into chair seat. Tiny marshmallow great help in solving mystery.11.00am
Quick update meeting with Fred and Knox in research section. Fred kindly points out marshmallow still stuck on my behind. Discussion quickly moves on to my field testing of their devices. Express that where as I don’t mind using such things as Holy Water Grenades or Talismans of Encircling, I would prefer that they were fully tested in the lab section first. Fred promises to work hard on delivery devices. I ignore Knox’s suggestion of Holy Water Balloons.
Make mistake of mentioning El Diablo Robotico to Fred. During ensuing onslaught of questions, manage to deflect most of them to Wes. Sorry Wes, but where Fred’s curiosity is concerned, you can’t save everyone.
Could swear Knox is eating marshmallow when I leave.11.25am
Catch anonymous flunkie in corridor and tell him to have three Blondie Bears delivered to Harmony as soon as possible. I need my email back.11.28am
New temporary mail guy passes me in corridor. Pros : No mask, no dagger and no throwing of self through glass. Cons : Tries to push me down liftshaft. Must speak to Wes about mailroom staffing policy. Take stairs eventually as lift now temporarily out of action.
Could really do with a nice warm cup of blood. Did I mention I don’t like Mondays?11.30am
Harmony still giving me the cold treatment. On the positive side, she’s not saying anything at all. Got to be good, right?11.31am
Harmony failed to mention that Eve and 3 Cruxote demons were waiting for me in my office. Eve obviously deciding to bring the meetings to me, rather than wait for me to arrive. Looks like my movements are getting predictable too. Make note to avoid office until Harmony pacified.
Open case file for Cruxote demon trial, and am confronted by large black and white photocopy of somebody’s naked bottom. Eventually realize its Spike’s due to signature on rear side. Suspect Harmony might have been the one pressing buttons, as no way that Spike could figure out how to use machine on second floor.
Gunn arrives to discuss case with clients, so quickly close file and pass to him. Am impressed when he hardly blanches. Even more impressed when he calls Eve over to get her opinion. Slightly taken aback when Eve removes photocopy, folds it up and places it in pocket.
Cruxotes currently suing Bedarkotti’s Chinese Restaurant for failing to give them food poisoning. Clients explain that they’ve been going there for years and have always enjoyed the taste and indigestion left over from their famous Moo Shoe Pork. Raise eyebrow when assured that name of dish is correct in all particulars. However, due to new management and environmental health inspections, kitchens are now clean, tidy and anti-septic – leading to removal of classic taste.
Assure clients that LA regulations insist on all kitchens being in this state, and ask for options available. Eve rules out massive wide scale bribery of councilmen in an attempt to get the law reversed due to cost efficiency. Recommends regular bribes to environment health officer instead. Rep of Bedarkotti’s owners kicks up fuss at this point, stating that the owners do not want to revert back to previous situation, but are intend on transforming Restaurant into new top-end highly sort after posh restaurant.
Gunn at this point saves the day by discovering that Wolfram & Hart own the company that owns the new owners of Bedarkotti’s. Armed with moral high ground and blackmail material, am able to force compromise between all. Cruxote demons now sent contents of restaurant garbage bins free, once every week. Restaurant not out of pocket, Cruxote demons getting free food regularly, and Eve appalled at the thought of someone eating the rubbish. Turns out she’s not fond of Chinese food at the best of times.
On way out, Bedarkotti rep wishes to convey thanks of owners, and offers free food for us too. Give rep Fred’s internal phone number and ask for first shipment to be sent addressed to Eve.
Maintenance still trying to get body out of lift shaft, so take stairs to Wes’s office. 12.15pm
Wesley not in, so leave messages regarding mailroom staff, traffic and Harmony’s contracts with his secretary. Am still not over Wes having an Ophanes demon as his secretary, but that long horn in forehead does come in handy for spiking messages.
Decide to slip off early to lunch.12.25pm
New temporary mail guy passes me in corridor. Am too busy watching him push the cart along that I walk straight into Lorne again. Bend down to help Lorne pick up his paperwork, and two ninja throwing stars thud into wall above me. No one in corridor when I look up, though squeak of mail cart wheel starts up very soon after attack. Hope Wes gets back to me quickly on mailroom staffing levels.
Lorne insists on me having a word with film exec on phone. Not sure why, unless it’s for Lorne’s ear to get a break. Film exec goes on and on about his vision of the future and a word is all I manage to slip in from time to time. Notice Lorne is now sitting down on nearby comfy chair, while his gofer has managed to fix a martini. Ruthlessly dump phone on gofer and head to lunch.12.30pm
Intercepted by Eve, and steered towards main exit. Had not realized it was a working lunch where I had to be nice to big clients.
Passers by seem to be a little bemused by the number of Wolfram & Hart employees holding umbrella’s over me while we get to car. Apparently they think we’re filming a pop video, which would explain the calls of “Where’s Dido?”12.45pm
Arrive at Rando DiCarrid’s complex. Underground parking area fortunately, and a very large goods lift. Meet Rando and figure out that when Eve says big clients, she means big clients – Rando shaped like Jabba the Hutt and about 10 feet high, by 30 feet long. Coming to the offices probably out of the question.
Surprisingly civilized conversation over macaroons and cup of tea. Apparently Rando been to England in past. Mind slightly boggled by concept.1.40pm
Return to the office though the regular entrance, and observe Bedarkotti van departing. Decide to loiter within earshot, as Eve goes straight back to her office. Am rewarded by sound of gagging, and Eve running past towards nearest Ladies toilets.
Grab couple of cartons of Moo Shoe Pork from Eve’s office, and stroll back to my office via the stairs. Hopefully, Harmony has calmed down by now. Moo Shoe Pork a little tough, but not too bad.1.45pm
Am greeted by sight of decapitated six foot tall yellow teddy bear. Apparently flunkie had as much idea of what “Blondie Bear” is as I did. Not sure if I want to know where the head went.
Attempt to explain to Harmony once more that she misheard me, but fail to dent Harmony Sulk Mode. Notice that several photocopies of Spike’s bottom are visible at the bottom of her desk, but decide not to bring this up at this point. However, last moment inspirational present of spare Moo Shoe Pork carton works wonders. Apparently, it’s the personal touch.
Retire to office to finish lunch.1.55pm
Visit private toilet and discover what happened to teddy bear head. Harmony now very regretful.2.00pm
Take phone call from Arch-duke Sebassis. Am not sure entirely what he wants until realization dawns. Apparently had so much fun at Halloween, is now angling for invite for Christmas party. Have strong suspicions that he’s planning on getting some of his enemies to turn up as well, just to see what might happen to them.
Email still not working.2.10pm
Arrive late for meeting with Phil Wilkerson. Discover Eve has now started scheduling my meetings for wrong time, so in fact am now 5 minutes early. Am definitely getting too predictable.
Wilkerson Industries fairly easy to handle, as they want to purchase several of our staff members. Literally body and soul. Take great pleasure in dragging Wilkerson by his ear to lift shaft and throwing him in.
Looks like Maintenance has finally got the lifts working again. Shame.2.15pm
Harmony informs me that someone from IT will be here shortly to fix my email, so decide to see if Wes is back. For some reason, my last meeting finished early. Notice that Gunn is in court, so get Maintenance to switch chairs now.
Slightly worried by lack of Spike hauntage today. When I don’t see him for this long, it normally means he’s planning something.2.20pm
Wes actually in, so interrupt his meeting. Wes looking slightly annoyed, but wraps up meeting fairly fast. Must persuade him to shave more regularly.
Harmony’s contract is special case, due to her not actually having a soul in the first place when she joined W&H. Have to see Gunn for specific look at the contract, but doubtful it has all those stipulations that she seemed to think it did.
Gridlock – all human. Although certain road layouts have been designed to spell out runes of power, the overall effect is all humanity’s fault. Slightly depressed at news.
Mailroom staff – looks like mailroom is the last stop for employees so crap at their job that it’s mailroom or the chop. High turnover in the mailroom staff, especially since we started running the firm.2.45pm
Decide to spook Eve by turning up early for my three o’clock appointment. Stop by my office on way to pick up Moo Shoe Pork remnants.
IT guy still working on my computer. I need my email, dammit. And I haven’t checked today’s update of Something Positive. Stand over him a moment and make general grrr noises.2.50pm
Meet Eve in conference room. Starts on about Wilkerson, the lift shaft and the importance of keeping clients happy. Manage to distract her a couple of times by offering pieces of Moo Shoe Pork.2.55pm
New temporary mail guy comes round with the cart. Pros : no mask, dagger, throwing me through glass or attempting to push me down the lift shaft. Cons : sub-machine gun.
Drag Eve down behind nearby sofa. Get deja vu for some reason. Mail guy runs out of bullets, so risk a look. Mail guy has brought along one of Knox’s improved Holy Water Grenades. Combination of Holy Water and high explosives not good for mail guy.3.00pm
Clients promptly show up for our meeting and are greeted by shot up conference room, corpse smoking on the floor and Eve and myself coming out from behind the sofa. For some reason they’re impressed, but don’t mind moving to a different room.
Eve agrees with me on doubling the cleaner’s Christmas bonus. Also agrees on introducing competency tests for the lab staff.3.05pm
Conference room 2 seems to be fine. Our clients are suing Hollywood. Not just one studio, but most of them. They represent Frankenstein’s Monster who apparently exists. Mental note - must ask Wes to track down Bigfoot. Guy owes me two thousand dollars.
The studios keep referring to the Monster as Frankenstein, which is causing strong emotional stress to the Monster. He is adamant that Frankenstein was just the guy who made him, and that all his life, he’s been using the identity of Monster. As such, he claims to have a rock-solid anti-defamation of character suit.
Scary as it sounds, I think we might actually have a case here.3.45pm
Decide to brood a little over days events in my office, but IT tech guy still working on computer. Stare out over city instead.4.00pm
Last client meeting of the day. Eve strongly explains importance of being polite and helpful to these clients. Promise to be on my best behaviour. Control strongly tested by Scourge demons entering room. Need stronger armrests on conference room chairs.
Scourge demons very arrogant and demanding in their equipment needs. I remember Doyle and somehow manage to smile politely. Then charge them triple and insist on payment in advance. Eve very happy.
Inform them they’ll be getting what they asked for very soon, and inquire as to the delivery address. Manage not to break any bones in their hands on way out.
I really hate Mondays.4.40pm
Back in office in very pissed off mood. IT tech guy emits tiny screech and disappears pronto. Luckily for IT department, email up and running now.
Nina doing well these days, adjusting to stuff. Has started eating her steaks rare though. Make a note to bring up at next meeting.
Consolidate my debts? (3 times)
Email from Willow and others in Europe. Paris looks nice by the moonlight according to the attachments.
Viagra ad. (5 times)
Might have won a car. (3 times)
Giles has lead on Complete Prophesies of Agnes Nutter.
Seventy five percent off ink cartridges? Send on to Wes.
Various other spam. Strongly suspect W&H employees are registering me for every internet mailing list available. Too subtle for Spike. Just wish there wasn’t so much hair care spam.5.00pm
Daily round-up with old gang. Eve politely escorted out of the room by Gunn and door locked behind her. Spike just walks through walls and smirks at me. He’s done something all right. Wonder what.
Take Lorne’s phone away from him by force. Only calm him down by promising to return it after meeting.
Wes working hard on the prophesies section again, trying to get a complete set. But promises to see what he can do regarding Rando.
Fred’s got munchies. Bedarketti’s already spoken to her.
Gunn promises to get me a copy of Harmony’s contract by Wed.
Spike still smirking. Not good.
Really really hate Mondays. 5.50pm
Walk into private bathroom. Discover what Spike’s been up to. Am impressed that he has enough willpower to spend most of day placing bucket of water on top of bathroom door. No way I’m ever going to admit that to him.6.00pm
Sign out of building. Time to go stalk through the night. And I just happen to have the address of several Scourge demons right here.
This one’s for you, Doyle.