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Insane Asylum Escapees

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Summary: Non-Buffy. A series of connected one-shots which involve Harry believing everyone in wizarding world (with a few exceptions) is insane.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > General > HumorRuneWitchSakuraFR15138,19931016,23720 Feb 1010 Mar 10No

Genetic Experiments and Multiple Personalities

Part of the conversation for this Voldemort Scene comes from Blue Fire Mustang (from, although Snape does have a reason for appearing. The ideas for the others either come from Danjal (also from, or came to me after reading Danjal's ideas. For those of you who don't know, Lucky is an animatronic dinosaur made by the Disney Imagineers. Also, I cant remember the color of the fires so now they're multicolored.

Scene Description: The 'gauntlet' at the end of the first book.


Harry Potter was Not Happy. Had there been anyone around him (save the idiot in front of him who hadn't stopped talking), they would have been able to hear the capital letters in that sentence without Harry even saying it out loud.

Why was he Not Happy? Simple.

What would have been a perfectly wonderful night, was ruined the moment Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley dragged him down a trap door. Well, actually, they pushed him down the trap door, said "Save the Stone!" (didn't even answer his question of "What stone?"), and left – LEFT! – him alone.

This wouldn't have been so bad – after all, there was a 'Fluffy' guarding the trap door – whatever 'Fluffy' was. Harry was pretty sure it was a birth defect, or maybe a genetic experiment gone wrong. Yeah, that's it, a genetic experiment with growth hormones (How else could there be a three-headed dog bigger than the Dursley's house?). He was at that point in time, away from 'Fluffy'.

But as the saying goes, out of the frying pan, and into the fire.

He traded an animal-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong for a plant-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong. Whatever the hell he had landed on it had vines (or at least he thought it was vines – it didn't feel like the Giant Squid – also an animal-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong – 's tentacles) and it had tried to eat him. What in the hell was wrong with it that it wanted to eat him? He was all bones and skinnier than a toothpick.

Having decided that the only way to get out would be to go forward, he went on.

"Great, mini-robots," Harry said, catching sight of the flying keys. "And broomsticks? Am I supposed to smack the mini-robots? They're flying far too high for that." Harry tried the door handle. "Locked. Let's see, where is that…aha!"

Harry pulled out a set of lock picks, and set about getting the door unlocked. A small 'click' sounded and he opened the door with ease. The next room had a giant chess set. As he tried to cross the board the pawns came alive and didn't let him pass.

"Animatronics from hell? Disney endorses this place? I wonder if Lucky will come for a visit." Harry backed up, hopped off the chessboard, and walked around it, still mumbling about Lucky. "Ew?" Harry said, holding his nose through the next room. What appeared to be a large troll (magic wasn't real so it must have been a movie prop, perhaps from Lord of the Rings?) was in the room. It was apparently out like a light. Its stench however was not.

"What did they use perfume du skunk on this thing? Ugh." Harry quickly exited to the next room, stopping only to grab the prop's club (just in case it was a robot and woke back up). Multi-colored flames spread in the doorways, causing Harry to jump.

"Weird colors. Wonder if it's a hologram?" Harry pondered out loud, before taking off his robes and throwing them in the fire. They caught fire and so disproved his theory. "Right, then. Must be chemicals changing the color." Which probably meant that the chemicals were being spread. Harry wasn't sure if the chemicals changing the color of the fire were toxic to him or not. He walked towards the table, completely ignoring the piece of paper, and found the vials. With all the liquid inside the vials being clear, Harry came to one conclusion:

"Water!" He took out his own vial (why he was carrying it around he didn't really know), which was much bigger than the ones on the table, and mixed all the potions together. Being of a rather cool temperature, the potions only reactions to each other where to bubble slightly. Adding heat to the mixture, would likely cause an explosion. Harry didn't know this, and poured the potions onto the fire.

The sizzling and cracking sounds coming from the fire didn't sound very good, so Harry went back to the table, turned it on its side, and hid behind it. Just in time too, as the fire, the doorway it was in, and most of the wall was taken out in a loud BOOM!

"Oops," Harry said, surveying the destruction he caused. "I guess it wasn't water. Must have been nitroglycerin or something." He then started cursing as he moved several pieces of debris out of his way. He was not a happy camper as he got into the last room.

Unknown to Harry, the explosion was loud enough to attract the attention of several Professors, who hurried to the third floor corridor.

Quirrell had been knocked out by the explosion, though the face on the back of his head (his turban had been blown off) was not.

"I shall kill you!" the face said. It must have been some type of experimental drug not working correctly – a multiple personality disorder drug maybe? The second personality appeared to function dependently from Quirrell.

"I believe that," Harry said, sarcastically, even if the face was rather convincing. The Professors who heard the explosion finally showed up. Harry turned to Professor Snape before any of them could speak. "Excuse me, Professor. Is this another one of your patients? I wasn't aware that they were allowed to teach, although the one is in charge of the Asylum so I suppose it's possible."

"Not an asylum!" McGonagall said, before noticing the face on the back of Quirrell's head. "What is that? No, what are you doing, Potter? Don't touch it!" Harry, who had just poked the extra face in the vicinity of its forehead, looked up, missing the pained look Voldemort gave before he screamed and was forced out of Quirrell's body. Quirrell's body then melted, which Harry did notice, and then he gave a horrified wail.

"What kind of chemicals did you use on that fire? Oh god, I inhaled them too didn't I? Oh god, I'm gonna die! I don't want to die!" Before Harry could get any more hysteric then he already was, Snape stunned him from behind.

He woke up in the hospital wing where Snape explained that whatever chemicals he had inhaled, Pomfrey had cleared them away. (In actuality she didn't even find any chemicals.) When Dumbledore came later to question him, Harry's only reply was:

"Stone? What stone? Granger and Weasley said something about a stone. Is that the stone you're looking for?"

The End?

You have reached the end of "Insane Asylum Escapees" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 10 Mar 10.

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