Regrouping leads to recapping, recapping leads to-
I apologize ahead of time for any shoddy workmanship in this chapter. In my defense, I've been getting bits and pieces in every time I can find an outlet out here in the field. Well, mostly. Sometimes. Usually my phone gets power first. It's perfectly acceptable, all right? Anyone would charge their phone first! A dead phone is like losing a sixth sense! You can't expect anyone to function like that! It's cruel and unusual aND OH GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME IN THIS DYING LAND?
I own neither Buffy nor Stargate nor Gilmore Girls. Enjoy!
Xander shuffled though his papers. “Sooo, Rory the Explory-”
“Don’t make me hurt you.”
He grinned. “Beloved goddess...”
“I’m serious,” Rory threatened, “I’ll put mayo in your twinkies.”
His grin vanished. “You wouldn’t!”
“Try me, White Knight
Xander grimaced. “Touché, my clever padawan, touché.” He glanced at the top sheet. “So, recapping- the US is portalling to other planets, meeting new people, and killing their gods?”
“And your beloved crush-”
“And your highly-venerated colleague, respected and admired for his brilliance and nothing else, was actually right about aliens?”
“This is mission is now classified ‘Andrew Excluded’.”
“Oh, thank God!”
“The thing that’s still tripping me, though, is, they actually made you their god?”
Rory slumped. “Yep.”
“No sacrifices? Strange mating rituals? Maybe a little blood-letting?”
“Not a drop.”
“Dammit!” Xander slumped, mirroring Rory’s pose. “Why can’t I ever get a mission go like that?”
“You just tend to inspire sex and violence in everyone you meet.” Rory’s eyes danced. “Maybe there’s a gigolo curse?”
“Nah, I asked Anya after the hellmouth sacrifice thing.” Rory winced. He’d frozen on her name, if only for a split second. Xander grinned sheepishly. “In spite of love spells, chaos spells, possessions, and the occasional mind control, I’m curse free.”
Xander open his mouth and paused. “…y’know, that’s terrifyingly possible.” He shook his head. “Anyway. So, goddess. Thought you were just supposed to observe?”
“I had to look closer to make sure my observations were accurate,” Rory said primly.
Xander swallowed a snicker. “Naturally. Well, looks like you’re stuck on extended assignment. Alien slayer, who’d’ve thunk it. Does your mom know?”
“She’s convinced I’ve started a harem somewhere in Africa and demands a tribute of male service.”
“Hm.” Xander rubbed his jaw. “Molly actually did
discover a harem somewhere in Africa. Well, not ‘discover a harem’ so much as ‘discover her grandmother bound an entire tribe to her line before dying in a freak magical accident’. Though, we suspect the ‘freak’ part of ‘accident’, too… Anyway, if your mom’s serious-”
“You are so not encouraging her!” Rory exclaimed.
General Hammond rubbed his forehead. “So… to sum up, a young woman from Earth killed Utu and then got her friend to move the planet.
“And she persuaded- I can’t believe I’m saying this- Kevin Sorbo
to help her train the Jaffa who have now sworn allegiance to said young woman.”
“Yes, General.” O’Neill would never admit it, but he lived
for moments like these.
General Hammond sighed and leaned back in his seat. “Is there anything else you’d like to add?”
Teal’c straightened. “I believe Kevin Sorbo to be Hercules.”
“Well, yeah, we know that, Teal’c,” Jack said.
“You misunderstand,” Teal’c replied. “I believe Kevin Sorbo to be
Colonel O’Neill opened his mouth and then closed it. “Oh, fer cryin’ out loud!”
Daniel cocked his head thoughtfully. “He did seem to know the other pantheons intimately.”
“Teal’c, are you saying that Kevin Sorbo is a goa’uld?” General Hammonds asked.
“Ah…” Daniel hesitated. “During our discussions, the three of them made it very clear that they were discussing higher beings. Apparently, several of them were- annoyed
, over the goa’uld’s impersonations.”
“Kevin Sorbo explicitly stated that he had believed the goa’uld to be exterminated many millennia ago.” Teal’c said.
Carter gave him a disgruntled look and sighed. “What they did was impossible, General. Whatever technology or abilities they have, it’s well beyond our understanding.”
“And it’s in the hands two young women who claim to be from America?”
“More than just two, General,” Daniel spoke up. “They indicated that they were part of a larger group- Rory was simply a scout to make sure we weren’t using an interdimensional portal which, quote, ‘would be of the bad’ because ‘power and madness equal kablooie.’”
Jack snorted. “They were American, all right.”
“It doesn’t make any sense, though,” Carter said. ”We should have heard about any extraordinary abilities like these before.”
“Look in the tabloids,” Daniel said bluntly. “You hear about them all the time.”
“People,” General Hammonds growled as Sam glared at Daniel, “You’ve had this argument several times, now.”
He gathered several reports and began patting them together. “Considering that we’ve now evidence of extra-natural people indigenous to this planet, I suggest we try and find out about them! Do we have anything to track them down, photos, relatives?”
“I do not believe that making contact with Master Sorbo’s immediate family would endear him to our cause,” Teal’c said. “In fact, it would more than likely turn him a very deadly enemy.”
“I would imagine so,” General Hammonds replied dryly.
“Our tac vests should have caught them on camera, General,” Carter spoke up. “We could run them through the national database, see if we get any hits.”
“Do be careful in your investigation, Major Carter,” the General said. “If these young girls were as powerful as you say, there’s no telling what their families might be like.”
Lorelai scrubbed her teeth haphazardly as she danced across the living room floor. “Jusht a minute!” she exclaimed, trying to keep the toothpaste foam from escaping her mouth. Navigating around several misplaced boots, she finally reached the door latch and pulled.
“Babette, I told you-” She froze in the doorway. Her toothbrush half fell out of her mouth. “You’re not Babette.”
The federal agent blinked. The two people behind him glanced at each other and then at her. “No…” the grey-haired one drawled, “We’re not.”
She was suddenly very aware of her bathroom and yanked it tighter around herself.
“Mrs. Lorelai Gilmore?” the federal agent asked.
“Yes, that’s me. Have I done anything wrong?”
“No, ma’am, we’re actually here about your daughter.”
Her heart seized. “Oh, God, is she dead? She’s dead, isn’t she? She can’t be, I just talked to her, she-”
“Mrs. Gilmore, what makes you think your daughter would have died?” The grey-haired man asked.
“Why else would the government be knocking at my door asking about my daughter when-” Lorelai paused. “Wait- is this about her harem? I know it’s not legal in America, but if she’s a queen she counts as a foreign dignity!”
The two people behind the agent snorted as he blinked in confusion. “Come again?”
“Never mind,” she said hurriedly. “Look, whatever you think she did, it’s probably not what you think it is! She’s a reporter, she gets caught up in- crimes and- crimes scenes, and maybe if sometimes she gets found with a body it’s absolutely not because she murdered the poor thing- person- herself!”
The blonde behind the agent broke in. “Ma’am, we were just wondering because we met her on a mission in… Africa, and she left us with a few questions.”
“A mission?” It was Lorelai’s turn to blink. She stared at them suspiciously. “You’re not with the military, are you, miss…?”
“Carter,” the federal agent interjected, shaking himself. “I apologize, we didn’t introduce ourselves. She’s Major Samantha Carter, he’s Colonel Jack O’Neill, and I’m Major Paul Davis. We’re with the Air Force.”
“I see…” Lorelai’s eyes narrowed on the unfortunate Major Davis. “And what does the Air Force want with my daughter? Because I’m telling you now, we have rights!”
“I… yes, you do?”
“We know lawyers, too! Well, we know friends who know lawyers, but they’re good lawyers and there’ll be no kidnapping us in the middle of the night without some serious repercussions!”
“Why would we kidnap you?” Major Davis asked incredulously.
“Because science plus power equals kablooie!”
The Colonel behind Major Davis seemed to have trouble breathing. Major Carter stepped forward. “Look, we were just looking for some more information on your daughter since it appears we might be working with her in the future. Think of it as a job reference.”
Lorelai glared at her. “You can’t draft my daughter, either!”
“Absolutely not, no drafting,” the female major said soothingly. “We’d just like to get an idea of the person we might be working with.”
Lorelai stared at them for a minute. Then she straightened. “I feel like some coffee. How about you guys, do you feel like coffee? I know a great place in town!”
Back on what Rory absolutely refused to let Xander name Risa II
, she suddenly shivered.
“Is all well, Safetwonac?”
“I… don’t know. I suddenly felt as if every baby picture mom ever took was suddenly posted on the internet.”
“The inner net, Safetwonac?”
Rory shook her head. “Never mind. You had something for me?”Dun-dun-dun, DUN