Part Time Jobs
(Yet another new fic, ain't he a stinker?)
Xander sighed; he was bored beyond belief.
You would think being kidnapped by a nefarious shadowy organization and drug into the Marvel universe would be fun and exciting or at least terrifying.
And you would be right.
It had been fun and exciting and terrifying, right up until they'd bombarded him with some type of rays; he wasn't sure what type and he'd developed powers, of a sort, then they strapped him to the wall with his lower body stuck in some sort of metal thing with tubes near his face for food and water and left him there.
A monitor on the wall occasionally showed news clips and made announcements presumably important to the faceless minions who worked here; thankfully, otherwise Xander would have gone completely insane from boredom but after some time even those clips were failing to rouse him.
“Hey, you okay?”
Xander blinked and realized someone was talking to him, and had been for at least a minute.
“I'm not hallucinating, am I?”
“No, I'm really here,” the blonde woman in the blue uniform assured him.
“Am I being rescued?” Xander asked hopefully, recognizing the uniform.
The woman grinned. “Agent Danvers of SHIELD and you are?”
“Xander Harris of Sunnydale.”
“Did they keep you drugged or something?” she asked as she searched for a release mechanism.
“No, I've just been hanging around with no one to talk to for what seems like forever.”
There was a click and Xander fell on the floor.*THUD*
“Oww...” he muttered before he was helped to his feet by Agent Danvers.
“Any idea why they have you in an iron codpiece, in addition to all the rest?”
Xander looked at the metal contraption that was providing him some basic modesty. “Yeah they zapped me with some beam to try and mutate me or something, but the powers I developed were … groin based.”
“You're joking?” she asked in disbelief.
“I'm really not,” Xander said, “leave it to me to get kidnapped and experimented on only to get super powers that can't be used in public.”
She helped him into the hall, where he was loaded into a stretcher and carted off with at least a dozen other people to waiting ambulances where he fell asleep.
Xander awoke with a start in a hospital bed and looked around in a panic, before he remembered what had happened. “I'm free!”
“Not quite kid,” said the man with the eye patch who'd been leaning against the wall.
“Huh?” Xander asked, still a little out of it.
“Until I get some answers you aren't going anywhere.”
“Huh?” Xander repeated, wondering what he could possibly know that might interest Nick Fury.
Nick Fury sighed and introduced himself, “I'm the man who says what happens to you next and until I get some answers, you aren't going anywhere.”
“Huh?” he asked again in disbelief, stunned to think he'd gone from being a prisoner of the bad guys to being a prisoner of the good guys.
The one eyed man stuck his head out the door and yelled, “Danvers, I need your help in here!”
Shortly the blonde haired woman who'd rescued Xander made an appearance. “You rang?”
“He doesn't seem to be responding to me and I need answers.”
Xander smiled at her and she smiled politely back.
“Ask him why his personal effects include a well-worn battle-axe, ID for a town that doesn't exist, and what appears to be a Vincent Price travel bag.”
Agent Danvers dutifully repeated the question.
“Vincent Price travel bag?” Xander asked.
Nick Fury sighed. “The kid has a vampire slaying kit.”
“A vampire slaying kit,” she explained.
“The vampire slaying kit is for slaying vampires, the axe is for associated demons, and Sunnydale is the town where I'm from which doesn't exist on this Earth,” Xander explained to her.
“Why do I have two psycho-telemetrists and a telepath curled into fetal balls sucking their thumbs and nearly catatonic?” Fury demanded.
Danvers rolled her eyes and repeated the question when she saw both of them were waiting for her to do so.
“People who can read psychic impressions off objects,” she explained.
“Sunnydale is the home of the Hellmouth, which is exactly what it sounds like and I've spent the majority of my high school career fighting demons and vampires; I can't see anyone who's sensitive being anything but screwed up after touching my stuff.”
“And the telepath?” Fury demanded.
Danvers repeated the question.
“I grew up on the mouth of hell and spent the last three years fighting demons and vamps,” Xander repeated, “even not counting the times I've been possessed, a telepath would have to be crazy to want a peek into my head.”
“How did he end up in our dimension?”
Danvers sighed and repeated the question.
“Got kidnapped by some weirdos who strapped me down and bombarded me with some weird rays.”
“What were you doing when you were kidnapped?” Danvers asked curiously.
“I was on a road trip; see I've never been outside Sunnydale before so with the Hellmouth at low ebb and having just graduated high school... I figured this would be my one chance to see the US before returning to Sunnydale and the fight.”
“And you got kidnapped,” Danvers mused shaking her head.
“When I fell through the portal they looked pretty surprised to see me so I think it was an accident; of course when they recovered from their shock they decided to use me as a human guinea pig for their Incredible Hulk Penis Enlargement System, so as far as I'm concerned they kidnapped me on purpose, otherwise the only other explanation is that I'm the Universe's butt monkey.”
“It’s not green is it?” she asked curiously.
“It’s the usual color, although I could probably make it change colors,” Xander said lifting up the covers to check and finding he was still wearing metal underwear, “why am I still wearing Dr. Doom's speedo?!”
“We can't figure out how to remove it safely so we're going to have to refer him to Reed Richards,” Nick said reminding them that he was there.
Xander dropped the blanket and Danvers stepped back fighting down a blush.
“We have to refer you to Reed Richards,” Danvers said, “he's the only one who can safely remove that.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“No problem; I'm happy to help,” Danvers said, getting back at Nick for making her repeat everything by pretending he wasn't there.
“I'll need a ride and some sweat pants,” Xander said, “because my pants are never going to fit over this high tech chastity belt.”
“I'll take care of it,” Danvers replied with a smile.
“Tell him he's not allowed to run around killing stuff in our world, we have too many mutants that look like demons and we're fresh out of vamps,” Fury stated dryly, seeing that they were both pretending he wasn’t there now.
“Okay, just so you know we have a segment of the population who are completely human but may resemble demons and over a decade ago a spell was cast that banished all vampires from our plane of existence,” Danvers explained.
“Actually you still have a couple; but one's a hero and the other isn't a supernatural vampire he's just a mutant,” Xander replied, “I learned at least a little about this world from the news clips and employee announcements they made while I was in the cell. I have no intention of searching for evil to fight; I'm on vacation.”
“So I don't have to worry about you chopping the heads off demonic looking people?”
“Only if they threaten lives; I don't get involved for anything less.”
“Wonderful; if there's anything I can do for you feel free to ask.”
“You've already done more than enough, thank you.” Xander replied, “if not for you I might have ended up sitting through an interrogation by some officious ass who didn't know how to deal with someone who'd just been freed from imprisonment after a mind shattering long time in solitary.”
“I'm just happy to help.”
Nick Fury stalked out muttering under his breath.AN: Typing by Godogma.
AN2: I don’t have a plot for this one either.