Voices in My Head
Being Xander Harris
“And thus the three Scoobs did ascend to the heavens,” The Muse began.
“What about Dawn?” The author asked.
“What happened to Giles, Joyce, Faith and Dawn?”
“Giles felt he had done enough and joined Jana and Joyce in the afterlife,” The Muse explained.
“How about Faith and Kendra?” The author asked curiously.
“They opted for reincarnation in a universe where the good guys were definitely going to win, now the trio …” The Muse began again.
“What world?” The author interrupted as always.
“Why is any of this important? I'm trying to inspire you here and these tangents aren't making things go any faster!”
“Well the Scoobs are going to want to look in on their friends and make sure they're doing okay, so I need to know enough to have an idea about what to write when they ask.”
“Okay, that makes sense. Kendra has been reincarnated as Hermione and Faith as Luna in a Potterverse.”
“Up till second year when they start to regain their memories and powers. Anyone else?”
“Dawn,” The author replied firmly.
“Is Janus' daughter,” The Muse answered.
“She's the Key who was created already loving the Prophecy Breaker – I thought it was obvious?”
“Still not seeing it,” The author replied confused.
“Dawn is usually a facet of reality itself dealing with the locking, unlocking and opening of portals, Janus is the god of portals.”
“Okay, I can see the connection,” The author admitted.
“Janus is a god of Chaos and Xander is his unknowing avatar, who Dawn loves from the instant of her creation,” The Muse finished.
“Sounds a bit like an Electra complex.”
“Janus is a Roman god, it’s allowed. Besides most girls with decent fathers try and find men who are similar.”
“So what does this mean for when they go looking for her?”
“It means she is in quite a few places playing quite a few roles, I'd advise just showing her in one of the tamer worlds when they check and having them overlook the rest. She's got a lot of power and as little restraint as Faith at times,” The Muse warned.
“How bad could it be?” The author asked unwisely and then frowned at having written this sentence.
“You asked for it,” The muse smirked before snapping her fingers.Wavyline Special Effect – Void Where Prohibited
Dawn smiled as she finished her research on both Star Wars and the portal spell she needed, holding up a lock of brown hair she broke into an evil grin, “Clone Wars here I come.” Wavyline Special Effect – Void Where Prohibited
The author blinked slowly, “You mean …”
“Yes, cloned Xanders as far as the eye could see whose actions who couldn't be predicted and perverted the kill order on Jedi, since messing with Xander's mind never works right, to mean they had to make them break their Jedi codes.”
“And how did they do that?” The author asked cautiously.
“Strippers, beer and in a few cases calm rational explanations.”
“So, did the Empire win?”
“Empress Dawn Summers, that's all I've got to say on that.”
“Well if that's the worst thing she does...” The author began.
“Worst?!” The Muse interrupted, “That's not even close to the worst, how about a world where Xander died in Africa so to prevent his death she sends her memories to her younger self with the plan being Tranq Gun, net, sex.”
“That doesn't sound too bad,” The author said thoughtfully.
“Yeah, except she fails to take into account the actual date of her creation, so she sends everything back to her 12 year old self.”
“That'll cause some changes in plans,” The author snickered.
“Who said she changed her plans?” The Muse asked flatly.
“But she's 12!”
“Yep, that world reminds me a bit of the old Pepe Le Pew cartoons, except since Dawn was a Scoob for nearly a decade before going back she's actually a lot more dangerous than the Buffy of that time. So we have demons running away at the first glimpse of Xander because where he goes she follows. A common scene at night is Xander running with demons fleeing from his path and a 12 year old Dawn Summers in full Safari outfit killing any demons that get between her and Xander.”
“Wouldn't Joyce object?”
“Dawn tricked her mother into agreeing to let her to track, capture, and seduce Xander whenever she wanted.”
“How'd she do that?” The author asked, clearly confused.
“Dawn said that if her mother promised to not interfere she'd put off any of those plans until she got her PhD.”
The author groaned.
“Yep, it took some serious use of blackmail, smarts, and bribery but she got her PhD in a little under a month.”
“Blackmail and bribery?”
“She used the same college to get her PhD that she did in her former life, meaning she knew all the scandals to come and what caused them as for the bribery, well she did earn her degree and had a decade of advances and discoveries in her head so it was a simple matter to pay people off with what they would have discovered in the future.”
“Buffy would kill Xander, and I don't think Willow would be all that happy either,” The author pointed out.
“Dawn, thanks to Cordelia's advice, had memorized quite a few lottery numbers, she gave Buffy a shoe store in return for a non-interference pledge.”
“And Willow?” The author asked.
“Dawn offered to share. Willow feels very guilty, but not enough to forego the possibility of naked Xander time.”
“So … if anyone asks, Dawn is in heaven with Joyce?” The author suggested.
“Good call, now can we get back to the story?!”
“Buffy is going to ask about Angel and Spike and Willow is going to ask about Tara and Kennedy,” The author pointed out, “they'd be massively OOC not to.”
“Okay, but these are the last ones; after this we'll have to work on the fly if anyone we forgot is asked about.”
“Okay, Angel chose to be reincarnated as Arthur Fonzarelli with Connor as his nephew Chachi.”
“Yes, Spike found Heaven a bit dull so he's been collecting favors by playing roles for busy deities; you need a sarcastic and bloodthirsty sword for the hero to wield? Spike's your man. Need to smite someone and make sure they stay smote but you have to deal with Lutherans in your church? Spike is the one to call. I have no idea what he's going to do with all the favors he's amassing though so don't ask.”
“Well, at least he's stay busy. Tara and Kennedy?”
“Tara is playing a Whitelighter in a Charmed universe, and Kennedy heard so much about Tara from Willow that she has been reborn as one of canon Tara's schoolmates so she can get to know her better. Spike spent a couple of favors setting up something for her, but God alone knows what that is.”
“Okay, that should cover anything they'll ask. Inspire away!”
“FINALLY!”Wavyline Special Effect – Void Where Prohibited
“We've ascended!” Willow said in awe.
“And why does that translate into glowing squid?” Buffy asked, waving a tentacle around.
“Because Xander watches too much Stargate,” Willow laughed and concentrated on how she looked as a human.
Xander examined his body, surprised to be human again and began to play with his breasts.
“Willow, why are we all three naked clones of you now?”
Willow blushed. “Well I was concentrating on making us human again and I know how I feel but not how you do and speaking of feeling, Xander are you going to spend all eternity playing with my breasts?!”
Xander nodded absently, totally absorbed in what he was doing. “Yeah, probably,” he replied, flicking first the right nipple and then the left.
“Xander!” Buffy groaned, “Even if you are a Willow clone at the moment you shouldn't just float around playing with your … Willow's breasts.”
“I'll stop playing with them if you do this,” Xander said and licked his palm before dragging it across a nipple.
“Fine!” Buffy said and licked her palm but she didn't even have her palm halfway down before she stopped and exclaimed, “Wow! These things are responsive! Mine never responded like these do.”
“I know!” Xander exclaimed, before getting an evil grin on his … Willow's face. “We need a mirror and some tassels.”
“Bet I learn to make them spin in different directions before you do,” Buffy bet.
Willow sighed and decided she'd just have to wait until they grew bored.Forty minutes later…
“Enough!” Willow yelled, startling the other two, “I promise you can play with my breasts later, but for now can we please try and concentrate here?”
“Sure Wills,” Xander agreed, “playtime later, work time now.”
“Sorry,” Buffy apologized.
“It’s okay,” Willow said, “I just want to make sure we can handle things before we start goofing off. I mean it’s not like godhood comes with a tutorial.”
There was a flash of light and a sound like children laughing as a large leather bound book appeared with a big red button on the cover along with the words “DON'T PANIC”.
“Okay, maybe there is,” Willow muttered.
“Can you guys please turn back into yourselves?” Willow asked, “It’s a little distracting.”
“Sure,” Buffy and Xander agreed and with a little concentration it was done.
“Better?” Buffy asked.
“Almost,” Willow said, “Xander I don't recall you having breasts identical to mine.”
“Huh,” Xander said thoughtfully, “I guess form is a function of will here.”
“Well, will away my breasts because they look weird.”
Xander concentrated for a moment and resumed his normal form. “Okay, done.”
“Good,” Willow said picking up the book.AN: Typing by Godogma.
AN2: Just a strange thought I had about the Scoobs actually becoming the PTBs.