: It's all Joss's, none mine, just playing with the characters for no renumeration.
Xander groaned and rubbed his head. "Alcohol is so not good on an empty stomach. Maybe I should wait until I don't need a fake ID." He got up and noticed that he was in the Summers residence. "Guess Buffy got me home last night, much goodness."
He noticed the tape on top of the VCR, and put it in, his curiosity getting the better of him. As the tape played, he saw his best friend and the Slayer nude, kissing in ways that weren't within miles of platonic. His jaw narrowly missed hitting the floor as he closed his eyes and popped the tape from the player.
"Water....need some water..." he muttered as he stumbled to the kitchen. Maybe if he had some water it would act like the brain floss he was so desperately in need of.
"So you're finally up, Xander. Would you like some juice?" Joyce Summers asked the obviously distraught boy. He grabbed the glass that she handed him and downed it all in one gulp.
"Mrs. Summers - Joyce - did you notice anything wrong with Buffy?" Surely even her mother would have noticed Buffy making an amateur porn video in the living room.
"No I don't think so....let me check. Jenny!" If it were possible, Xander's jaw would have dropped even further, as he saw Miss Calendar come down the stairs dressed only in a kimono, enter the kitchen and kiss Joyce deeply on the lips.
"Good morning, baby, did you need me for something?"
"Mmmm, I always need you, hon, but Xander was wondering if Buffy had been acting oddly lately," Joyce explained as she held Jenny close.
"Nope, can't say that I have. She and Willow are acting like normal horny teenagers." Miss Calendar replied. "Was there anything specific, Xander?"
"I - um - well - I think I need to go to school. Bye!" Xander rushed out of the house with but one purpose in mind. I have to get to Giles. He can fix it!
He didn't stop running until he burst into Giles' flat, yelling, "Giles, Something's wrong. All the women over at Buffy's have become gay! Lesbians! Dykes! Women of happiness! Butches and Femmes! Women in comfortable shoes! Help!" And he skidded to a stop. Giles was in a smoking jacket, his arm around the guy who ran the costume shop, Ethan's, last Halloween, and sitting next to them were Angel and Spike, with a bridal magazine between them.
"Do tell me how this is a problem, Xander." Giles cultured voice cut through the shock that had paralyzed Xander since he had arrived.
"Uh - Gaah - Ahh - Gotta go!" Were the only things that came out of Xander's mouth as he reversed course with all speed, and ran out the door. Angel looked at Giles.
"I'd go after him, but I don't need to work on my tan, Giles." the normally brooding vampire said with a grin. "I guess that means I'll just have to stay here and make out with my blondie-bear here."
"Right you are, you poof. Nobody gets you until I'm done with you." was heard from the platinum blonde.
Xander finally made it to school, his head throbbing and his mind reeling from everything that had happened. As he turned a corner in the hallway, he saw a brunette kissing the neck of a girl with long red hair. "Oh, Aphrodisia, you're so hot!" Xander realized with a gasp that Cordelia was putting the moves on one of her Cordettes. "You know I didn't keep you around for you brains, right?"
Xander just shook his head and tried to put it out of his mind as he searched for his friends. He finally found them underneath a banner that said, "Recruiting." As he came up to them, he noticed each of them wore a button saying, "I'm a Lesbian, ask me how!" And there were stacks of toaster ovens behind them. Xander went to the nearest wall and beat his head against it three or four times, until a large but gentle hand patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Xander, but you have to go to the back of the line."
"Larry Blaisdell? But you're on the football team!" Xander interjected. "Why are you in this line?"
"Well, first, I've always had an eye for the guys....and you have a nice butt, Xan...but more importantly, do you know how much a good toaster oven costs?"
Xander fled, not stopping until he was outside on a bench. He put his head in his hands and shook it, not stopping until he saw someone approaching. "Please don't be someone else I know that's turned gay." He muttered.
"No, I'm not a lesbian." He looked up and saw a girl that looked vaguely familiar. Anya something or other....he remembered drinking with her a lot last night. "You do realize that you are to blame for everything that happened, right? You and your cartoons."
Xander stared at her. "What?"
Anya gave him a smile that would make him shudder for years to come. "You're the one that wished that everyone would have a gay old time."