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The Cat in the Hat and The Slayer do Chat

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Summary: While out on patrol, she encounters the cat, leading Buffy to learn where he got that hat!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Childrens/Teen > Author: Dr. Seuss(Moderator)jrabbitFR1311,95361687313 Mar 1013 Mar 10Yes

Our Heroine, Buffy,
belongs to Joss,
and some corporation,
most probably Fox.

While the cats and things,
of which I've made use,
are the wonderful creations
of the great Doctor Seuss.

No profits will come
from telling this tale,
so if anyone sued me
that would be epic fail.

This story was written,
I'd just like to say,
for the fifth anniversary
of Rhyming Review Day.

Our Buffy was walking,
alone with the night,
when a demon jumped out
and gave her a fright.

About three foot high
with its body bright red
and a mane of wild
blue hair on its head.

Before she could act,
another appeared;
the twin of the first,
it looked just as weird.

She pulled out a stake
prepared to attack,
but stopped when she felt
a hand on her back.

"There's no need for that,
they mean you no harm,"
said a mischievous voice
oozing with charm.

She spun on the spot,
the spot she was at,
and discovered before her
The Cat in the Hat!

"Milady, please let me
introduce me to you:
I'm The Cat in the Hat
and that's Thing One and Thing Two"

The hair of their chests
had a brief streak of blue;
Thing One wore a number,
Thing Two wore one too.

She glanced around,
were there any more?
A lurking Thing Three,
a hidden Thing Four?

"We don't mean to hurt you,
you don't need pointy sticks,
we're here to help," he said,
"honest, no tricks."

"And now why should I
take your word for that?
A seven foot high
freaking giant talking cat!

"I think I should slay you,
it's what a slayer does do,
and once you've been slain,
I'll slay Thing One and Thing Two."

"But how can you slay me
with a stake made of cheese,
when you're only as high
as the height of my knees?"

She started to panic
unable to think.
What kind of magic
made her suddenly shrink?

And in her right hand,
where she once held dead tree,
all that she grasped was a
was a limp wedge of brie.

"That so is not funny,
make me back big,
or I'll break your toe,
it will snap like a twig.

"Better still, make me grow
'till I reach five foot ten
I'd be bigger than Dawn,
she'd be the small one again!"

"But if I turn you back,
then you might attack,
kill Thing Two and Thing One
and spoil all my fun.

"It's best that you stay
as small as you are,
a nine inch high slayer
is safer by far."

An angry young slayer
stared into his eyes,
"I'll say it once more,
make me human size."

"Well, well, well, now
what have we here?"
A voice she knew well
but did not want to hear.

"You'd best shut up, Spike;
one more word and you're dead."
"But I'm dead already,"
the vampire said.

"Oh my, ickle Buffy,
is it really you?"
He turned to the cat,
"Mate, what did you do?"

"Oh, the slayer and I,
we're just having a chat,
just a friendly discussion,"
said The Cat in the Hat.

"But how come she's tiny,
what made her so small?
She was always a midget,
but more than a foot tall."

"Hey, Spike, now watch it;
still right here, you know?
You better start running
before I start to grow."

"Oh look, I'm so scared.
What ploy will you use?
Stab my heart with a toothpick,
or give my shin a bruise?"

"Oh, we like you, we do,"
said Thing One and Thing Two.
"You'll have to be an
honorary Thing Three."

So they turned his hair blue,
though it lost none of its lustre,
and they painted a three
on the front of his duster.

Spike glowered with rage
at the mess on his leather;
his vampiric side
broke free from its tether.

"I'll get your for that."
He leapt at Thing One,
but the things, they were nimble
and started to run.

Spike picked himself up
from the graveyard floor,
looked again at his coat,
and glared some more.

The Cat In The Hat
looked on with mirth,
enjoying the moment
for all it was worth.

He turned to the slayer,
who was suppressing a laugh,
enjoying Spike's changes
and their aftermath.

"I know what you need
to brighten your day:
a friend your own size
with whom you can play."

He took off his hat,
a dramatic display,
and there on his head
stood Little Cat A.

"But I'm still too big,"
the little cat said.
"You'd be better off
with Cat B instead."

He too wore a hat,
which he started to doff,
and then, with a flourish,
he whipped it right off.

And stood on his head,
the slayer could see,
the astounding sight
of Little Cat B.

"Any more under there?"
Spike was licking his lips,
seeing an infinite supply
of fresh poker chips.

The little cat grinned,
and leapt to the floor.
He kissed the stunned slayer,
then kissed her some more.

"Yagerroffme you freak!"
She moved in a blur -
sent Cat B flying backwards
while spitting out fur.

"Enough of this madness,
please make it all end.
I don't want to see you
or your perverted friend.

"First shrunk, then attacked,
this day is no fun.
I'm beginning to wish
it had never begun."

"All right," said the cat,
"if you're going to grouse..."
A wave of his hand
sent her back to her house.

Buffy awoke from a
very strange dream,
then saw a giant pig
and let out a scream.

But when it remained frozen,
she did comprehend,
it was just Mr Gordo,
her childhood friend.

Then she remembered the cat,
and Spike, and her shrinking,
and that randy Cat B:
ew, what was he thinking?

She climbed down her duvet
to get to the floor,
employed slayer strength,
punched a hole in her door.

To get down the stairs
she slid on the skirting,
jumped off at the bottom
before she went hurtling.

She entered the kitchen,
something smelt overdone,
and found Dawn teaching cooking
to Thing Two and Thing One.

She looked on in horror,
they'd made such a mess -
how egg got on the ceiling
was anyone's guess.

She went to the lounge,
where lounged on a pillow
was The Cat in the Hat
with Tara and Willow.

When Buffy walked in
they were mid-conversation,
the topic of which
caused her much consternation.

"Your kitten, I fear,
will be too small for me,
but she'll be just the right size
for Little Cat B."

"Well good morning, Buffy,"
Tara said with a smile.
"We like your new friends,
can they stay for a while?"

"For Godess's sake Tara,
what's wrong with your eyes?
Can you not see
that I'm not the right size?"

"Now Buffy," said Willow
"you were never that big.
I don't think you've towered
except over your pig."

"Have you been brainwashed?
Has your mind been enslaved?
Has your will been corrupted
by this mentally depraved..."

Her rant interrupted
by a bright flash of light,
when once more she could see
she saw an unwelcome sight.

"Now calm down there, Slayer,
it's him I've come for;
The Powers That Be
want to settle a score.

"Somebody here's trod
on too many toes,
pulled too many tricks,
and got right up my nose.

"I've been sent to fetch him
to stand trial for his crimes,
I hope he is sentenced
to work in the mines."

"Surely, dear Whistler,
you can forgive me somehow?
It was a harmless prank
and you're all better now."

But Whistler was fuming
and boiling with ire,
and the cat's smug grin
was adding fuel to the fire.

"Now what did he do to
inspire such rage?"
"What he did, Miss Summers,
was make his hat from my ribcage!"

She tried not to laugh
though her humor was clear,
"I wonder from where
he got such an idea?

"As much as I'd love you
to make the cat pay,
if you take him right now,
I'll be stuck shrunk this way."

"I guess that would put,
a small hitch in our plan."
"Enough with the height jokes,
you unfunny man."

"Okay Mr Cat, make
her back as she was."
"Why should I do that?"
"You'll do it because...

"...because if you don't,
it will make them mad,
and enraging the powers
would be of the bad."

"As much as I'd like to,
I'm afraid I cannot:
the power required
is more than I've got."

"But you made me tiny -
why can't you undo it?
You'd better start talking
before I start to you-hit."

"Taking away is
so easy to do.
It's harder by far
to make more of you."

"But Tara and Willow
are witches, you see,
Isn't hard magic easy
with the power of three?"

"Real magic is not
what you think it to be,
you should know not to believe
that crap on TV."

"Yes," agreed Whistler,
"that program doth stink.
This one's much better,"
he said with a wink.

"Can we get back on topic?"
said a frustrated slayer.
She wished she could make
this damn cat just obey her.

"There's got to be something
that can make me rise -
that would make my body
stretch back toward the skies."

"Well there may be one thing
that might just work,
but it's highly unstable,
it could go berserk."

"And what is this thing
that holds enough power
to make me grow large,
to allow me to tower."

"Well under the hat
of Little Cat B
lies - yes you've guessed it -
it's Little Cat C.

"And if you keep going,
you'll make your way down
to Little Cat Z.

"And beneath his small hat
lies the power of voom:
a power so powerful
it could blow up this room."

"But all that I want it
to blow up is me,
and I mean what I say
quite literally.

"Now make with the taking
off of the hats:
it's time to start
revealing those cats."

The Cat in the Hat
moved to comply,
and a tower of felines
soon reached toward the sky.

On top of the tower,
at long last he was free,
the minuscule speck
that is Little Cat Z.

He lifted his hat,
releasing the voom,
and within a few seconds
up she did zoom.

But the fast growing slayer
neglected to stop
'till the top of her head
poked through the rooftop.

The Cat in the Hat,
he started to sweat.
A monumental sized Slayer
was an extremely big threat.

He said, "Sorry there, Slayer,
if you'll just allow me..."
And he shrunk her back down
to the height she should be.

Her body returning
to the right dimensions
did not seem to lessen
her level of tension.

She surveyed the wreckage
of her family's abode
and turned toward the cats,
about to explode.

"One moment, please, Slayer,
we're not finished yet,"
and about the room
the voom did jet.

As it zoomed past
it did magically clean
the egg from the ceiling
and repaired the roof beam.

Then one by one,
the hats were put on
'till all the small cats
were completely gone.

And The Cat in the Hat
was all that remained,
plus Whistler, who whispered,
and the cat became chained.

"We'll be taking our leave,"
he said, then departed,
leaving Buffy with a feeling
she'd been somehow outsmarted.

As she turned to the kitchen
that feeling, it grew:
still sat eating with Dawn were
Thing One and Thing Two!

So, one hundred mad verses
what did you think?
A poetic masterpiece,
or does it totally stink?

The End

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