Pottery Shard: Hot Babes!
Rated y-13, nothing worse than a few suggestions and guesses.
Disclaimer: I do not own the concepts or characters of Harry Potter, they belong to some assortment of JKR, Bloombury Publishing, and Warner Brothers.
Distribution: As with the other Pottery Shards, or ask first.
Notes: slightly AU handling of Snape, set in Harry’s first year.
Harry Potter was nervous. Maybe it was normal to be nervous, he’d only been at Hogwarts for a few days, and he still took a deep breath of relief every morning that it hadn’t all been a dream. That magic was real. That he was a wizard. Granted, the whole larger than life reputation and everybody whispering at him about a scar and the fact that he was alive was seriously strange and more than a bit creepy. Even with that, things were so much better than life with the Dursleys that Harry just didn’t have the words for the difference.
He was going to learn magic. Real magic. He would learn how to change things into other things, make things appear and disappear, maybe even turn invisible and fly! Maybe he would be able to throw fireballs and call lightning bolts, though he doubted he’d learn to do either one for quite a while. Despite only being eleven himself, Harry doubted giving a bunch of eleven year olds the ability to throw fireballs would be anywhere near wise.
Though the castle was made of stone…
Yesterday he’d had his first lesson in Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall had changed her desk into a pig and back, but they had started much smaller. They’d spent the class trying to change a matchstick – the old fashioned wooden kind, no less – into a needle. Only the bushy haired girl, Hermione Granger, had managed a complete change, though several of the rest of them had made some changes to their matches. And then there had been Herbology, which seemed an awful lot like gardening, though the plants were different.
Today they would have their first Potions lesson. The potions supply store – he thought the proper term was apothecary – had been fascinating, if rather full of strange smells. The book was just amazing, full of ways to combine things and make them do marvelous things. There were potions for spotty skin, or to heal burns. A potion that could even mend shattered bones, though that one looked horribly complicated to brew. Potions for every sort of health issue he had imagined, and for strange illnesses that he’d never heard of before. Potions to turn people into animals, or stone, or make them sleep for a hundred years. Amazing!
Potions turned out to be located in the dungeons. Harry still wasn’t sure if the fact that Hogwarts had dungeons was creepy or awesome, probably a bit of both. They were colder, and gloomy, and he kept feeling like there were things moving in the shadows and just out of the corner of his eye, though there was never anything other than other students when he turned and looked. Well, other students, three different cats, a barrel, and a two sets of armor, though Harry wasn’t entirely certain it wasn’t the same set of armor following him. Which sounded crazy, and arrogant, and creepy – why would a magic set of armor be following one small boy?
Once the first years, some in red ties and some in green, managed to find the door marked Potions Lab C, they had stood there for a few moments, just looking around and fidgeting. In the end, one of the Gryffindors, Seamus with the Irish accent, pushed the door open and everybody shuffled inside. Some of them were still glaring, Crabbe and Goyle at the whole dungeon, Malfoy at Ron and Ron right back at Malfoy. It took a bit of time before everybody managed to find a work station.
Potions was the domain of Professor Snape, who seemed to appear out of nowhere. He seemed a towering figure of shadows and flowing black cloth, sneering at the whole lot of them. “This is Potions, where I shall attempt to convey to you some pitiful measure of understanding of the subtle art of potions making. Some of you may doubt the power of potions, preferring the immediate results from waving your wands and blathering. There will be no silly wand waving in this classroom, as you are all years away from any potions that would require such things. Perhaps some of you will learn to appreciate the beauty and potential in a simmering cauldron, to appreciate the power of the fumes. With the right potions, you can bottle luck, pour fame, and even attract hot babes. Now, turn to page fourteen in your books and begin preparing your work stations according to the diagrams.”
Every boy in the classroom was now staring at the Potions Master. Granted, none of them had started puberty yet, so the true appeal of babes, hot or otherwise, wasn’t quite certain for their minds. But they knew that older boys and young men were always trying to get hot babes. Some sort of assistance or shortcut sounded absolutely magical.
A potion to attract hot babes… Harry wasn’t sure how they’d manage to brew such a thing, and kept listening for the slightest hint. Surely that would be very useful in a few years.
Page fourteen did not have a recipe for a potion to attract hot babes. Instead, it had a diagram of a prepared work station, with the pewter cauldron over the fire, a collection of bowls, bottles, vials, and small plates for ingredients lined up to the right, an area for a marble cutting block with a mortar and pestle set just above, and a row of various sized little knives and picks.
Harry couldn’t help but noticing that there were some differences in the supplies. Ron’s cauldron looked like it had a dent in the bottom, and the blades of his knives looked thinner than the ones Harry owned. Malfoy’s knives had fancy ivory handles. The Indian girl in Harry’s class had knives that looked to be bronze instead of steel. Lavender’s cutting board, mortar and pestle were some sort of pink stone, while most of the class had sets in grey, and one of the Slytherins had a set in green.
By the end of class, they had filled out a worksheet with the proper locations and names of each item on their workstation. Professor Snape had told them on Thursday they would be brewing a simple potion to treat boils, and that they should read up on the potion on pages thirty four to thirty eight. He’d also suggested further reading about the various ingredients, though his tone suggested his doubts as to their ability to manage the task.
They’d also brewed what Professor Snape called ‘standard potions base number three.’ It was mostly spring water, brought to a simmer before the other ingredients had been slowly stirred in clockwise. The other ingredients had been blended in the mortar, a mixture of a white sandstone, ginger root, water cress, and powdered willow bark that made his wrists ache. It was apparently very important that the stirring be clockwise, though Harry wasn’t quite sure why. He’d have to check the book later, maybe it was in there.
By the end of class, there had been no further mention of potions to attract hot babes from the Potions Master. Every boy in the class had been listening very carefully. Reluctantly, Harry admitted to himself that it was probably too complicated to attempt during his first real experience in a potion’s class.
Halfway back to the Gryffindor dorm, Harry remembered something. Ron Weasley had three older brothers at the school, and he’d mentioned two older brothers already graduated. Harry raised his voice just a little, “Ron? Hey, Ron!”
“Yeah, Harry?” Ron looked towards him, absently rubbing at his cheek.
“Do you think you could ask your brothers when Professor Snape covers the potions to attract hot babes?” Harry figured that if a potion like that had been covered for any of them, they’d remember.
Ron nodded, and then they reached the dorm. The twins were in the common room, bent over a heap of something that looked like coiled silly string, though it couldn’t quite make up its mind if it was green or blue or pink. “Fred, George? When does Professor Snape cover the potion to attract hot babes?”
“We’re just starting our third year” one twin offered. He had a bit of the string clinging to his cheek and dangling from his ear.
The other added, “And he hasn’t covered it yet.”
Ron made a sad noise, and glanced around the room. “Percy! Hey, Percy! When does Professor Snape cover the potion to attract hot babes?”
“While the fifth year Gryffindors haven’t had our first Potions class yet, it isn’t anything we’ve covered so far, nor is it within the first third of the text for this year,” Percy sighed before taking his glasses off and rubbing at them with a handkerchief. “I suspect that most of us have been paying attention for just such a potion…”
“Fifth year and you still haven’t covered it?” Ron looked horrified.
“I think a letter to Bill,” the twin with the silly string on his ear offered.
“Might be just the thing, twin of mine!” the other finished.
“How do you tell them apart?” Harry whispered to Ron.
“Mostly I just guess,” Ron admitted. “Ginny goes with whichever one she sees first as Fred and the other as George. Something about it being alphabetical.”
Quiet Neville Longbottom whispered an awful possibility, “What if it’s never covered in Hogwarts?”
One of the seventh years smacked a pillow and admitted, “Not though sixth year. Maybe this year? I mean, it sounds like something complicated, and I am taking the potion’s NEWT at the end of the year…”
Harry had no idea what taking newts had to do with potions. He’d seen newt eyes and newt tails as ingredients, but he didn’t think that was what the older boy meant.
Several of the girls were muttering about potions to attract girls being cheating, and quite out of line. Then one of the older ones asked if there were potions to attract cute guys, and there was more glaring and a lot of giggling. Harry wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Though it might be a good thing to know about, even if only to see if there were ways to not be potioned into wanting somebody…
With that discussion, Snape’s reputation as an evil man spread to the first years. And Percy composed a letter for Bill Weasley in Egypt and one for Charlie Weasley in Romania. Other letters were composed to big brothers and cousins who had graduated. One brave fourth year even volunteered to send a letter to his cousin in France, muttering about maybe Beauxbatons covered things sooner. Most of the boys hoped that one of the older relatives would know.
It might not have been the best of motivation, but every boy in Gryffindor was keenly hoping for an answer to the matter of potions for hot babes.
Within days, return letters were arriving. Wails of dismay might be heard echoing through the castle.
“No! Ethan says Hogwarts never covers it!”
“Not needed to become a hippogriff trainer!?!”
“No such potion covered in the Potion’s NEWT? Aaughhhhh”
Ron shuffled into the dorm room, his ears flushed red and a pair of letters in his hands. “Charlie says the only thing he knows is that standard burn cream number five should never be used by redheads near dragons. Something about it makes us smell tasty and those aren’t the smoking hot ladies we’re looking for.”
Everybody in earshot winced.
“What about Bill?” asked one of the twins.
“He said we might want to try the Restricted Section, but if we did then to be really careful not to get caught,” Ron sighed.
“Snape is an evil, evil man,” someone muttered.
Boys throughout the school privately vowed to pay careful attention to their potion’s texts. If the Professor mentioned such a potion, then that meant it had to exist, right? And if they looked carefully, then they’d find it, sooner or later. And then… hot babes!
In the dungeons, Potions Master Severus Snape laughed. The echoes of despairing teen-aged boys when they learned that he had no intention of teaching them a shortcut to romance always warmed his shriveled heart. And their predictable determination to find it despite his refusal to point them in the right direction kept their efforts strong. Since he’d started mentioning that concept in his fourth year of teaching, potions grades had raised by an average of thirty points, passing OWLS had doubled, and there had been half again as many students in NEWT level Potions, with two out of three of them passing. A bit of cunning and deception could be so very useful, especially when dealing with hormone-crazed dunderheads.
In reality, there were a whole host of potions that could assist with such efforts, if properly utilized. Most of them were even legal, though they didn’t assure a young man of success. But potions for improving health, for whiter teeth, clearer skin or various hair treatments could adjust one’s appearance. Anything that compelled attraction against choice was illegal, but there were still a variety of things that were both legal and beneficial. If only they would figure that out…
Ah well, let the dunderheads remain oblivious. If they weren’t willing to use a bit of careful thought, they didn’t deserve the hot babes.
End Pottery Shard: Hot Babes!