The Basic Insane Survival Guide by Genuka
Okay, this is sorta continuing from my handbooks chapter on this. I will be starting this as another story completely, if anyone wants to add rules to the guide. Again I'm telling you who's talking. Have fun!
start out as a one piece for this Xander Insanity piece but it got out of hand and that's why I split it off. Sorry if I bothered anyone by it.
Here's the link if you're interested... The Basic Insane Survival Guide
Hope I did the link right....The Basic Insane Survival Guide
Blonde recruit: ... Psst! Hey! We're supposed to be paying attention!
Xander: ... Yeah? So? They already told us that we'll be fighting aliens. The big bads are just basic snakes that possess you if they get inside you and pretend to be gods, while the grunts are about as strong as a vampire mainly use staffs with paddles on each end. One paddle end can shoot bolts of power. Most of the snakes are from the Egyptian gods and have no actual power just tech. No powers from anyone just tech and some minor freakyness.
Brunette recruit: So why aren't you paying attention and what are you writing?
Xander: I've dealt with worse than these wannabes and I'm writing a survival guide for you guys. *shrug* You might be surprised as to how useful some of these rules can be. Of course some of them have saved my ass and some of them were actually inspired by sci-fi shows, a lot of them from both.
O'Neill: ... Harris? What's more important than finding out how to stay alive when you're getting your ass handed to you by the Goa'uld?
Xander: I was explaining to these two that I've seen stuff like what your telling us about before and that I'm writing out basic survival rules for them so that they wont wind up dead the first time through the gate. *shrug* I'm paying attention but this is more a refresher course for me. My little guide is supposed to go with your lecture any way.
There was dead silence in the room after that statement.........
Daniel: ... What have you seen that matches this?
Xander: Personally? Lessee.... I've had a teacher that was actually a giant preying mantis, she nearly managed to eat me. I've dealt with Vampires on a regular basis Fledglings for the most part but the occasional Master Vamp. Not fun, the masters. Admittedly none of this was on my own I was usually the bait guy and donut boy, either that or the one kidnapped or the one they wanted to mate with for some strange reason. Usually they were evil. I'm a bit of a demon magnet. *shrug* I've dealt with a lot more than that, but you get the general idea.
Carter: You're kidding!
Xander: Nope. Grew up on top of a Hellmouth. Its a place where the dimensional barriers are weak and demons can get through. This particular Hellmouth linked to several particularly nasty hell dimensions. We had an obituary column in our school news paper. A couple of us decided to help out the chosen mystical warrior known as the Slayer keep the Vamp population in check and make sure that we stopped any Armageddon attempts. Did pretty good to.
O'Neill: ... We'll talk more about this later. For now why don't you read off the rules you've come up with so far.
Xander: Um... Okay. *Xander stands up and starts* This one we some times had trouble obeying but then again the one of us who had the most trouble obeying it didn't tend to stay dead. Rule 1: Don't die.
O'Neill: Sounds like you Danny.
Daniel then said sarcastically: Ha ha ha, Jack.
Xander: Rule 2: If your surroundings or the situation feel off or wrong it most likely is.
On the hellmouth you learned real quick that if you didn't pay attention to small changes and differences than you wound up dead.
Daniel: Makes sense. It's saved us enough times.
Xander: Rule 3: Good luck charms never hurt anyone and can save your life.
Some types of demons are actually allergic to certain religious symbols and good luck charms. *SG-1 nods* Rule 4: Not all gifts are evil but double and triple checking can save lives and a whole lot of grief. Just don't check it in front of the giver, if it isn't evil they'll likely try to kill you for thinking that it is.
*all of SG-1 are now avoiding eye contact* Rule 5: Beware the full moon. This is never a good time of the month be the reason mundane, magical, alien, or supernatural.
Just, no. *Xander shakes his head and moves on* Rule 6: Always have at least 3 knives on you. One in the open. One hidden for them to find. One hidden for you to keep.
*everyone's staring at him openly now* Rule 7: ANYTHING can be used as a tool or a weapon. You just have to think of it.
*Teal'c nods his approval* Rule 8: Healers, Medics, and Doctors don't always know what they are doing. Don't trust them blindly. Ask questions. If they dismiss a proven medical fact or problem about you they could get you killed. Always know what you're taking, why you're taking it, what side effects there are, and what NOT to mix it with. If they can't give you a reasonable answer to your question say no and leave. Find someone else because who you're talking to will eventually get you badly hurt, ill, or killed.
The medic/doc/healer rule is more for the ones outside the SGC and off world. They don't know what's normal for you and if any one of them insist that they do then they'll get you killed. Here you have
to trust that they know what they're doing and that's why they don't accept incompetence here. Or at least that's what I'm betting. Other wise the planet would likely have already had a major epidemic from some sort of off world illness getting loose to the general population.
O'Neill: Which is one of the reasons you report anything and I do mean anything that you feel is even remotely wrong. You get it checked and you get it checked on base. The medical exams before and after each mission are mandatory for those very reasons. No matter how much you want to skip or ditch them. If you brought something back and don't get checked you could wipe out the planet. So no matter how scary the docs are you get checked! Clear?
Recruits as one: Yes sir!
Teal'c: Please continue, AlexanderHarris.
Xander: Um... I've only got a few more down just now... right. Rule 9: Your real family isn't always connected to you by blood but when they're hurt you'll come to help, just as when you're hurt they'll come to help.
Often times being related by blood is just that. It doesn't mean that you're really a family. We learned that the hard way. Rule 10: When faced with an evil overlord or evil genius look for the simple, the stupid, and the completely insane methods for survival and bringing them down. Complex ones they'll catch and destroy, ordinary ones same thing.
A lot of times the really insane methods and ideas are the only ones that will work. Rule 11: If the bad guy is really intent on killing you, provoking them is actually a good way of staying alive long enough for you to be rescued.
They tend to decide that just killing you is to merciful. Yes, you've been turned into a punching bag but it gives your teammates enough time to pull a grab and run. While painful the method does work. *wince* I've had to use it often enough. Rule 12: Always have at least one backup plan, preferably more than one.
Usually the first plan just plain doesn't work. You either wind up going by ear or having to fall back to plan B or C or D or however many it takes. Having as many backup plans as possible and that can in a pinch work together is always a good idea. You'll likely have to use them but you can always hope that the first time will go off without a hitch.
Teal'c: Indeed. The battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy.
Xander: I've got one last one. It really should have been number two but I didn't really want to have to explain it. *O'Neill gave him a look and he sighed* Rule 13: Never make a wish.
There are beings that are just waiting to grant wishes for those they feel are justified or deserving and often it has really bad consequences. We had a run-in with one of them it wound up changing reality and a really powerful master Vamp named The Master was released and turned most of the town into vamps. Our school librarian figured out what happened and got a hold of the being's main power source, which is mystical by the way, and smashed it. Everything snapped back into place as if the wish was never granted. If you ever make a wish and hear 'done' or 'wish granted' or something along those lines you better believe that you just got your wish and hope to god that it wasn't anything that had any significant results or consequences.
Female recruit: ... Shit, Harris! What was your life like? It must have been hell.
Xander: Nope, just growing up on the hellmouth.
O'Neill: Kid, you scare me. You do know that you just got picked for a total debrief of growing up on the hellmouth, right?
Xander: *sigh* Great...
O'Neill: Look at it this way some of the stuff you dealt with and how you dealt with it might give us a way of dealing with the psycho's that are trying to off us now and you just made your little guide a whole lot more likely to be officially authorized instead of something that you just handed out.
O'Neill: Yep! Besides I wanna see how you deal with Doc Fraiser.
By the way the doc rule is practical for real life. I had to find this one out the hard way. Especially since my biochemistry acts and reacts weirdly and nothing shows up on any test that the docs run. This becomes a problem especially because the docs wont believe me when I tell them. The not mixing while practical and true was partly inspired by cryefourme's Power shifter's story and how Xander tries to be careful when mixing his meds with Willow's potions.