THe texaswookie looks up to find himself in a large tent with several different men in white bloodstained clothes. The sound of explosions is rocking the entire room as shelling happens around them. One of the masked figures turns to look at him and the writer swallows at the almost insane eyes that stare at him from behind the surgical mask. "Hello my name is Captain Pierce, here's the way it works if you give the disclaimer then I work on you and you have a chance of survival if you don't give me the disclaimer then I have my assistant, the not so beautiful Major Burns operate on you." The man explained to the writer. "I need to know what your choice is now though." The man said grimly.
"Hey I heard that!" One of the other men growled out.
"Oh do be quiet Frank, we're waiting on the man's answer." One of the other men said cheerfully.
The writer swallows and knows there is only one thing that can be done when facing these kinds of choices. "I the texaswookie lay no claim to any of the characters written here as my creative genius was not used to create them. I don't own the MASH characters the Angel characters nor the rights to House since he's mentioned in passing in this tale as well. Please don't let that guy operate on me." The writer begs of the other men in the room.
"Look Frank you're getting a bit a reputation." One of the men said.
"Shut it Trapper!" Burns growled out angrily.
"There, that wasn't to bad now was it?" Hawkeye asked as Major Hot Lips lowered a mask over the writers face.
Angel looked at the others curiously as they all passed the file back and forth. "Come on, it can't be that bad." The vampire told them in annoyance tired of them passing the file back and forth.
"Well we're not really sure. You see it's another doctor." Fred explained to the vampire nervously. Angel winced at that statement not really looking forward to having to deal with yet another doctor.
"Yeah, and when you consider the last few doctors that we've agreed to represent we're a little unsure whether or not we want to deal with this guy as well." Gunn explained to the vampire sympathetically as he remembered the acidic tongue of one of the doctor's that they were representing.
"What's the man's name?" The vampire asked tiredly.
Gunn sighed as he looked the file over and began to read. "His name is Lt. Colonel Dr. Frank Marion Burns. He actually doesn't want us to defend him but rather help him sue some other guys."
"Who does he want us to sue?" Angel asked.
"The primary person that he wants us to sue is a Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, sometimes referred to as 'Hawkeye' Pierce. The other two are Dr. John Francis Xavier McIntyre often referred to as 'Trapper', and then there is Dr. B. J. Hunnicutt. All four of them served in a M.A.S.H unit in the Korean war. The three being charged all held the rank of Captain, though Pierce was considered for promotion several times."
"So what did these guys do that has Burns wanting to sue them all?" Angel asked in confusion. Most people that serve together in wars usually have a bond that nothing can break no matter what is thrown at them.
Gunn winced as he held up a large list for them to all see. "I still can't believe that the guy actually has all of these charges and dates." There are dates here that go all the way back to the very beginning of the war on here." The lawyer told the group before he began reading from the file. "I counted one thousand charges of assault, nine thousand charges of public humiliation, ten thousand charges of libel, fifteen thousand charges for stealing of various items, fifteen thousand charges of destruction of property, and sixty millions charges of brewing moonshine on government property. The lawyer finished off before the group who merely stared in shock at the list that man had that had to contain all of that information."
"He wants us to sue these guys?" Angel asked in disbelief.
"Yeah, and some of the evidence is pretty impressive though it would probably take me an entire day just to tell the court all of the crimes. If I was to go through each and every one of them that is."
"So show me what you got on them then." Angel said to Wesley as he looked over the files of the various men
The Watcher nodded as he began explaining the men to the group. "Each of these men appears to be nothing more than survivors from the war. Even Mr. Burns is a survivor of sorts." The Watcher pushed four files towards the group. "Mr. Pierce survived the war the longest of the group. Everyone looked at the files of four men that had aged since the war that had brought them all together. Three of them had a sparkle in their eyes that seemed to indicate laughter, while the last man was a sallow eyed man with weak eyes. Each of the men are well noted doctors from all over the United States and each have earned various minor medals. They're all accomplished surgeons or at least they were in their day. Now days they seem more inclined to enjoy the fruits of their labors in retirement homes. None of them ever made in miracle discoveries, but they have all saved hundreds of lives. While in the war they were all stationed with the 4077th M.A.S.H unit and had one of the highest success rates known of any of the M.A.S.H units stationed in that area. I have done some interviewing with a couple of our other clients who were in the area. A Sgt. Klinger from a demon clan in Toledo, and a Leprechaun by the name of O'Reilly from Kansas. Both of them had extremely interesting stories to tell about the Lt. Colonel and the three captains. The Lt. Colonel was evidently not very well liked by any kind of soldier and was considered by both men as an ass kisser and a bungler. If any of the men wished to counter sue the man I doubt that there would be that many people that would object to us doing so."
"Great, a grand standing doctor with little, or no talent in his profession." Angel grumbled to the others. "Fine, show Mr. Burns in and we'll see just what kind of a person that it is that we're dealing with." He relented to the team.
The group nodded and Wesley summoned the man out of the lounge. They all looked as an old man walked into the room. He was all decked out in his finest army dress uniform as he approached them obviously thinking he looked impressive or intimidating in it. "Dr. Burns I presume?" Wesley asked as he strode forward to meet the man.
"Of course I am, who did you think I was?" The man grumbled at the Watcher who merely raised an eyebrow at this. Now what does a man have to do to get people to do any work around here?"
"Mr. Burns." Gunn started to only to be interrupted by the old man.
"Ah that's Lt. Colonel, or Dr. Burns pal. I have those titles fair and square despite what some people have said about me." The man sniffed disdainfully at the young lawyer.
"Right," Gunn said his eyes flashing in annoyance. He recognized this white boy and his type rich and with a swelled head what he wouldn't love to be able to kick his ass and tell him how life really was.
"So what exactly is it that Dr. Pierce and his associates have done that makes you think that you should sue them all?" Wesley asked before Gunn said or did anything.
"What have they done?" The man huffed out in annoyance. "Those maniacs have been besmirching the good name of doctors for their entire lives. Well I simply won't stand for it anymore in the end I'm going to be the one with last laugh I'll finally be the winner against these people. I won't be mocked and ridiculed by people like Dr. Winchester or House. None of them give me the respect that I deserve." The man finished off with a whine to the group. "First Margret left me, then my wife, and then there was being kicked out of the army. The one thing that all of those things have in common though is Pierce. He and his patsies are the reason that my life changed and I intend to make him pay for it." The old man swore as he remembered the group of men. "When you get done with them I want them to think that the Swamp was a good place to live."
So its just revenge that you want then? Fred questioned the old man that seemed to only still be alive because he wanted revenge on the other men.
"Yes that's what I want." The man said haughtily. "I want Pierce to finally know that I truly am the better man than he is. I want him at my feet where he belongs instead of always acting like he's better than I am." The old man ranted at the group, his eyes glazing over as he imagined the scene.
"Well guys?" Angel asked them. The others sighed before they all voted to represent the man. While he was annoying and a bit of a braggart he was by no way evil and they could represent the man. "It looks like you have us then." Angel told the man who let out a relieved laugh that grated on all of the team. He then waltzed out as much as he could. Angel slumped into his chair glad that the man was gone he had been annoying.
"Was it just me or did he look kind of ferret faced?" Lorne questioned the others curiously as he massaged his head. The man's laugh had really hurt his senses.
P.S For those that are going to argue and tell me Frank was only a Major I suggest you check again. He is promoted once he gets state side.
Well this one has been fun folks when we return to Wolfram and Hart's offices we shall be investigating the Gotham Files. 10 of Gotham's criminals shall be requesting representation of Evil Incorporated. Until next time sports fans. You know someone needs to write a story with Hawkeye as a patient of House. Can you imagine those two going at each other? Cuddy would think that they were treating an older House or something.