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Who Has The Better Growl?

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Summary: Well, euhm, it's a growling contest. Complete and utter crack, I think. Slash. Threesome. Edited.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Other SlashCorruptedSmileFR1311,671163,32229 Mar 1029 Mar 10Yes
Disclaimer: I will keep saying it until you believe me: I don’t own anything you recognise and I’m not making any money from writing this story. The stuff you don't recognise . . . Well, that is mine. Probably. All characters I borrowed, will be returned to their respective owners . . . when the time has come to do so.

‘Buffy: the Vampire Slayer’ belongs to Joss Whedon and others. ‘Harry Potter’ belongs to J.K. Rowling and others. ‘Supernatural’ belongs to Eric Kripke and others. ‘The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay’ belongs to Tom Keegan and others.

Crossover: I would say that this is a crossover, a multiple crossover even. *gasp* Here are the fandoms: HP/B:tVS/SPN/CoR

B:tVS and CoR are the most important ones, though.

Pairing: Yes, it has a pairing. A slash pairing even. Not gonna tell you who are part of the pairing, though. I'm mean and bad and evil like that. *looks at the sentence* Hmm, I've kind of repeated myself, haven't I? Oh, well, you'll surely remember it now.

Rating: FR13

Sequel to: For Gods' Sake!

Spoilers: For everything, to be on the safe side.

Summary: It's a growling contest. Kidding? Why would I be kidding? It's the truth, people. A growling contest, yes.



Story: Who Has The Better Growl?



“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, for another episode of Who Has The Better Growl? My name is Xander Harris and I’ll be your host for the night — as always,” Xander announced in his best talk-show-host voice. “Last time we had the pleasure of having Hagrid’s three-headed dog Fluffy and the youngest potion master ever Severus Snape on this show. This week we decided to step up the danger level, though. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to our first contestant: William the Bloody aka Spike!”

A thunderous applause came the minute Spike walked from behind the curtain and onto the stage. The cocky smirk he wore made many people in the audience feel a bit faint.

“The second contestant on today’s episode is: Richard B. Riddick aka Riddick!” Xander announced as soon as the calm had returned in the studio.

Another thunderous applause rose from the audience, while the same people as before swooned again at the sight of Riddick striding onto the stage — smirk firmly planted on his face.

“Okay, people,” Xander said, after having waited for the noise level to die down to a more normal one. “The idea behind this show is still the same. We have a jury consisting of eighteen people who know all about growls. I ask three questions to our contestants and the judges decide who wins.”

“On today’s show we have the following people in the jury box: The slayers Faith Lehane and Buffy Summers, the witches from Sunnydale Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay, Spike’s Grandsire Angel and his Sire Drusilla. We were also finally able to have the Winchester brothers Sam and Dean and Bobby Singer and Ellen Harvelle on an episode. And last but not least, we have a couple of wand-wielding people on today's show: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Fred and George Weasley, Remus Lupin, Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood.”

“First up, the angry growls,” Xander said, grinning widely. “Let’s hear Spike first. Riddick, you’re up next. Do your best.”

The judges and the audience listened closely to both contestants — the judges keeping their hands on their buttons, waiting to vote.

“They have both done the best they can,” Xander said as soon as Spike and Riddick had growled. “But who do you think deserves to win this round? Voting is allowed — now.”

---

“We have counted the votes and you have decided. Spike wins at the most dangerous growl,” Xander announced. “Spike has been terrorising children and puppies since the late 1800s — he has had plenty of time to practise that growl. We have noticed, however, that Angel and Dru didn’t vote for him. They voted for Riddick for some reason. Why is that?”

“We decided not to vote for William, because we don’t think he’s very good at scaring people with just his growl,” Angel explained. “Usually he has to open his mouth before people are scared.”

“Oi!” Spike yelled, glaring at his Grandsire. “You’re such a wanker, peaches.”

“Be nice,” Xander admonished Spike. Spike glared at him for using the word nice in connection to him. “You did win this round. Next question. We’re sure that both Riddick and Spike use whatever they can to get what they want. But who has the cutest growl?”

Riddick and Spike threw a dark look at Xander for daring to ask that question.

“Don’t be shy,” Xander encouraged them both, grin on his face. “Riddick, you go first. Spike, you’re up after him.”

Hearing both contestants try to sway them, the judges voted as soon as Xander allowed them to.

---

“You have once again decided on a winner,” Xander announced after everyone had voted. “And the winner of the cutest growl is Riddick. I’m sure that having Jack following him around like a puppy has made him connect to his softer side.”

“This does mean that we have a tie, people. The third and last question will decide,” Xander told the audience and the judges. “The last question I want to ask you is this one: Who has the most sexy growl?”

For that question, Spike and Riddick used everything they had to encourage the judges to vote for them.

“And vote away,” Xander said to the judges.

---

“In all my time as host on this show, this has never happened,” Xander said after everyone had voted. He looked up shocked from the piece of paper that had the amount of votes for each contestant on it. “There is no winner. Both got nine votes from you guys. This means that I will have to decide.”

Riddick and Spike perked up at that and scooted their chairs a bit closer to Xander. Xander eyed them warily.

“Come on.” Spike leered at the slightly afraid looking Xander sitting next to him. “Pick one of us. Who has the most sexy growl?”

“The vamp is right,” Riddick said to Xander, smirking. “Who has the most sexy growl, Xander?”

“Come on,” Xander complained. “I can’t pick one or the other. Neither would be good for me.”

“And why can’t you decided, Xander?” Buffy asked curiously. “You know they won’t hurt you.” Willow leaned forward, not wanting to miss Xander’s answer.

“No,” Xander agreed. “They won’t hurt me, that’s true. At least not really hurt — maybe a little hurt. And I’m stopping that thought. It still wouldn’t be good for me, though.”

“But why?” Willow asked confused.

“Because he’s sleeping with them,” Faith interrupted what Xander was about to say. “Has been for at least five months.” The audience and all the judges gasped and looked at Xander.

Xander blushed bright-red, but didn’t deny what Faith had said. Couldn't deny what she had said, because it was the truth.

“You’re sleeping with them?!” Willow and Buffy yelled in shock, looking at him in total disbelief.

---

“You go, girl!” Fred and George yelled at Xander. At his glare, they quickly amended that sentence. “We meant to say: You go, boy!”

Looking at each other, Fred said, “Doesn’t have the same ring to it for some reason.” George could only agree.

“Doesn’t matter,” George whispered to his brother. “It gets us in his good graces. Or do you really want Riddick and Spike to hunt you down for upsetting their lover?” Fred shook his head at that. He so didn’t want that to happen.

---

“Xander, you’re the man!” Dean hollered. Sam hooted. And Bobby and Ellen? They looked in shock at the Winchester brothers.

“What? I did go to college,” Sam pointed out. “Experimenting is the rage in college. And this includes finding out whether you like boys better than girls or the other way around if you’re a girl.”

“And did you really think I never tried it?” Dean asked them both. “I’m a hunter for crying out loud. You get lonely on the road. Sometimes you just can’t afford to be picky.”

Bobby and Ellen were lost for words after hearing those two pieces of information.

---

“Jealous, slayer?” Spike asked, wrapping a possessive arm around Xander. Riddick followed his example on the other side of Xander. And Xander? Xander smiled gratefully at his boyfriends.

“I am not!” Buffy said, glaring at Spike. “Just surprised. And wondering why he didn’t tell us about any of this.”

“I haven’t told anyone,” Xander told Buffy and Willow. “I don’t know how Faith found out, but I didn’t tell her either.”

“How I found out?” Faith asked, smirking at the three men who were still sitting in their chairs on the stage. “Let’s just say that you’re quite loud in certain situations.”

Xander blushed an even brighter red at hearing that, while Riddick and Spike looked smug. It was, after all, because of them that Xander was so loud in a certain situations.

“Kill me now,” Xander groaned, covering his eyes and hanging his head. Thinking about what he just said, he quickly turned to Spike and said, “That wasn’t an invitation.” Spike’s face fell.

“You don’t love me,” Spike pouted.

Xander groaned. “I do love you, but I love life just a tiny bit more at the moment.”

“You’ll have to make up for hurting his feelings,” Riddick said, smiling smugly at Xander.

“Later,” Xander promised. “When we’re home. I told you that I don’t have that exhibitionist streak you two have. And before I forget, this episode of Who Has The Better Growl? is now officially over.”

“Don’t think we won’t talk about this, mister!” Willow threatened.

Xander looked resigned, burrowing closer to his lovers, hoping they would protect him from all the irate females who would shortly be out for his blood. Buffy and Willow. Dawn and Cordelia. And, oh dear god, Giles. Mustn’t forget the one good adult influence in his life. He was so screwed. And not in the good way. He looked at his lovers. Well, maybe in the good way too.



End.



A/N: This short story is dedicated to sciphy. All because it’s her birthday. It has absolutely nothing to do with my ‘Love Is ...’ series in case you hadn’t noticed. This is just a little something in between.


@ sciphy

This is what you get for giving me the following words: Riddick, Spike and growls. Those three words — and the strange way my mind works — resulted into this. You totally brought this one onto yourself, darling. Happy birthday!


Hope you like this short story. I certainly loved writing it. Reviews are always welcome. Flames will be mocked, however. Personal attacks are not wanted. Constructive criticism is welcome, because it might improve my writing.

The End

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