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Abracadabra And Hey Presto Are Bad Words To Anya

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This story is No. 7 in the series "The Underwear Chronicles". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: There was a young witch named Raven/Looking for a cure and a haven/Fell into a portal/And met a fine mortal/With too a Viking lass’s loud ravin’

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Teen Titans(Current Donor)ManchesterFR1511,642053,67331 Mar 1031 Mar 10Yes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and DC Comics characters are the property of their original owners.

Xander dropped his pajama bottoms, and as he leaned over the kitchen table, he then waved his hand at the opened medical kit lying there, saying, “Okay, use that. And while you’re at it, fix the door, too.”

There was a brief, shocked silence from behind the bare-assed man, until a very frosty female voice now spoke, “I believe that first task is rather….personal. Shouldn’t your, er, friend, do it?”

Looking ahead while putting his hands palm-down on top of the table to brace himself, Xander gritted, “I’m not moving an inch! Plus, Anya’s sure as hell not gonna come in here, not after what she did when you dropped out of thin air onto our bed! Her flipping me right into the bedroom door, and then locking herself in the bathroom should show you how much she wants to be around you!” The sarcastic tone was still in the man’s voice as he continued grumbling, “It’s gonna be hard enough to talk her out of there, plus she’s really gotta be thinking of moving to a new place!”

A resigned sigh, mixed with annoyance, was then made by the other in the kitchen. “Oh, very well.”

In the next moment, Xander blinked at the black glow that wrapped around his body, until the man also sighed, this time with his own emotions of relief and gladness over the end of the throbbing pain in his butt, as that part of his body became numb, save for the faint tugs of several wooden splinters being removed from under his skin. He watched with interest as this same black glow also appeared around a small bottle of spray-on antiseptic and a couple of band-aids, and then these items lifted themselves into the air, to zoom around Xander standing there. Sounds of hissing, crinkling, and more faint touches on the rear of his body indicated to the man that his recent ridiculous injuries were being patched up.

From out of the corner of his eye, Xander also saw another example of the black glow, with this being much larger, as it had to cover the entire bedroom door currently dangling from one hinge, and having a deep, spherical depression in the center of this panel that had cracked it in half. Still wrapped in the dark radiance, this door smoothly repaired itself, becoming straight again, and all damage to the outer surface changing back to its previous flat exterior. Lastly, the door shifted itself to once more stand on its hinges, swinging back and forth a few times on these joints before the glow vanished, while the voice from behind Xander now announced, “There, it’s all done. And I do mean everything,” as the tone of this speaker became rather pointed in its emphasis on that last comment.”

Carefully straightening up, Xander now checked how his body was feeling, and except for a few twinges from some lingering bruises, he seemed to be okay. “Yeah, thanks,” the man acknowledged.

An extremely sardonic feminine voice replied, “You’re quite welcome. Now, could you please pull up your pants?”

“Ah, right,” said an embarrassed Xander, who now gingerly crouched to grab the waistband of his boxers puddled around his ankles, to then cautiously straighten up while making himself decent once more, as he listened to the determined question coming from behind.

“All right, can we get back to business? You were about to tell me exactly where I am, and also why you’re not thinking this is just some kind of crazy dream.”

Absently scratching his bare chest, Xander turned around while casually tossing off his answer to the small, anthropomorphized white rabbit in the dark blue cloak and hood, floating in the air at the middle of the apartment kitchen.

“Oh, that’s ‘cause this is pretty much normal when you happen to live on the Boca del Infierno, otherwise known as the Sunnydale Hellmouth.”

“H-H-Hellmouth?” squeaked the horrified little bunny, as she stared at a nodding Xander. Her quavering tone clearly indicated her distress, though the white fur on her face hid any paling of the rabbit’s features. Still, the trembling of her perky bunny ears protruding from the top of her cowl, and the abrupt closing of her big, purple eyes also showed that the young man’s unexpected visitor was currently not a happy member of the Leporidae family.

“Yeah,” glumly confirmed Xander, who then glowered off into the distance, as the bunny tried to get her apprehensive emotions under control. As if to himself, the construction worker muttered under his breath, “This finally proves what I’ve always suspected, namely that dimensional nexus is alive, and it’s also got a nasty sense of humor, specifically targeted against one Xander Harris!”

That odd statement managed to somewhat distract the bunny from her worries, as she bewilderedly asked, “Why would you think that, ah, Xander?”

“Oh, gee, maybe because you wound up falling in the bed of the only person in the whole town who’d turn absolutely gonzo at seeing you, not to mention you did it with really great timing, right at the most special moment for us both!”

Xander learned then that a rabbit could actually blush, with the crimson colors of her cheeks harmonizing with her pink, twitching nose in a manner that was absolutely adorable. Her dark blue cloak started to shiver in time along with the bunny’s wriggling in absolute mortification, as she stuttered, “I-I-I didn’t mean to! I just wanted to find some way--”

A smirking man waved his hand in a nonchalant gesture, as he interrupted, “Hey, relax, lady--”


“Where?!” yelped Xander in sudden alarm, as he frantically looked around the kitchen in his unsuccessful search to spot that identified bird who’d also seemingly managed to drop in uninvited tonight.

“I mean, my name is Raven!” snapped the little bunny in a very irked tone. Her sudden exasperation managed to carry over in her current mood, allowing the rabbit to finally deliver her explanation. “I was trying to find a way to reverse our transformations -- both mine and the rest of the Titans -- and I sensed some sort of mystical energy coming from a dimensional rift in Mumbo Jumbo’s hat. Unfortunately, when I tried tapping this energy, I got sucked through some kind of portal, and I wound up here, at a Hellmouth! I’ve got to leave at once! I don’t dare to risk losing control of my powers in this place!”

After years of listening to Willow-babble, Xander was a pro at extracting the most important information, and also at knowing when to just nod and smile at the rest of the incomprehensible details. He now said soothingly, “Yeah, I got that, Raven. You go back and help your friends. I know about that, okay?”

The bunny blinked her large, mauve eyes at the man, feeling relieved that he’d managed to understand her urgency. “Thank you so much! I’ll be leaving now-- Uh, please convey my sincere apologies to your friend over, um, everything.”

“Sure, I’ll do that,” replied Xander, cheerfully lying through his teeth. Anya was certainly going to take a while to recover from tonight’s events, and she didn’t need to be reminded of her leporiphobia, even if it came with someone’s offered regrets. His thoughts were diverted by the rather unique sound of the clearing of a rabbit’s throat.

“Well, goodbye, Xander,” said Raven, waving a fuzzy little paw in farewell.

“Bye, Raven,” waved back Xander, as he watched with fascination the black glow appearing around the little bunny. An instant later, the glow abruptly contracted to a tiny dark dot, with this speck also vanishing right after, and leaving Xander totally alone in the kitchen.

Yawning, as he scratched the back of his head, the tired guy mumbled to himself, “Well, that was interesting--” His eye caught by the timer light on the microwave, Xander then groaned, “-- even at one-thirty in the morning!”

The man winced at the thought of having to go to his job tomorr- this morning on just a few hours’ sleep, and then he sighed at imaging how Anya would undoubtedly behave today at work, pouncing onto the first customers coming into the Magic Box, to then flip them upside down and grab their ankles, while then shaking them until all their money fell out of these patrons’ pockets and their gold fillings came loose. Which reminded him--

“Anya!” called Xander. “Honey, it’s over! You can come out now!” The man waited patiently for a few moments, until what he was expecting now came from their bedroom.

“Is IT gone?” carried through the air, slightly muffled in its utter suspicion, as a voice warily spoke through the merest crack in a cautiously-held-open bathroom door.

“Yes, dear.”

A woman’s breath of vengeful satisfaction puffed out at that news, only to be drawn deeply back in, as Xander Harris now stuffed his index fingers in his ears, just before Anya Jenkins shrieked at the top of her lungs, “YOU GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE AND STRIP OFF THE BEDSHEETS, THEN YOU TAKE THEM OUTSIDE, AND BURN THEM!”

“Yes, dear.”

Author’s Note: Blame JediKnight for this zaniness. During my request for suggestions on what characters to write about next in the Underwear Chronicles, he came up with Raven of the Teen Titans. I couldn’t think of anything to base a story on concerning that young superheroine with the mystical powers, until I suddenly remembered a VERY hilarious episode of the animated series, called, “Bunny Raven or How to Make a Titananimal Disappear.”

What made it even more fun is that I think I’m the first one to use that character in her rabbit manifestation here on TTH. Whee!

So, c’mon, review and offer your own suggestions! You might get lucky, punk.

The End

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