Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Father Ted and I blame tv on this insane story.
"Where did that come from?" Father Ted asked as he pointed to the baby in the crib next to Father Jack's chair. It was rocking back and forth with Jack's hand pushing it or being pulled by it. Both he and the baby were sound asleep and drooling.
"I don't know, Ted. Maybe a stork?"
"No, Dougal. I mean how did it get in here."
"I don't know. Did it walk?"
"Dougal… even if it could walk, how did it get into the crib?"
Ms. Doyle, their housekeeper, walked in at that point. "Oh what a cute baby."
"Ms. Doyle. Did you have anything to do with this?" Father Ted gestured toward the sleeping pair.
"Why Father Ted, Jack's never tried anything!"
"She's right Ted." Dougal replied. "She can just barely get him to try standing up."
Ms. Doyle stepped closer. "What a beautiful little girl. She reminds me of the early morning dawn."
"And probably wakes people up at the crack of it." Father Ted muttered. "Well, we need to find her parents." He sighed and started to reach toward the crib.
"Now Father," Ms. Doyle said. "There's no sense waking the baby now. There will be time enough after finding her family."
"I'm just going to…"
Jack woke up at that point and looked at Ted. "FECK OFF!" He yelled. Father Ted flew back and landed in a sprawl on the floor.
All three then stared in shock as Jack turned toward the baby and started cooing to it quietly while rocking the crib some more and drinking whiskey.
"Well," Ms Doyle said as she wiped her hands. "Who wants a drink?"
Jack stared up at her with a vague grin.
"Tea, Father Jack, tea." Father Ted said as he started to get up.
Jack muttered. A clear sentence was heard out of it. "Little Dawn needs something to eat."
As he moved, a letter fell to the floor. Father Ted picked it up and looked at the words. "Take care of our daughter."
Thus named, Dawn woke up and started to cry.
Across the island, as she was stepping onto a ferry, a young woman shook her head and mumbled. "At least she'll be safe with these three… though the young one doesn't look too bright."
12 years later
"Yes Ted?" He asked as they leaned against a wall near the store they'd been taking Dawn to along with Ms. Doyle.
She was coming of age, and while Ted was a forward thinking priest, and Jack paid complete attention to Dawn and nobody else when she was around… there were some places he just didn't go to. Or allow Dougal inside of.
Who knew what kind of toy the absent-minded priest might think a training bra was.
"What are those?" He pointed as people with ridged foreheads and sharp teeth flew right and left into splintered wooden crates. After which they disappeared into dust.
"I don't know, Ted. But they shouldn't have tried to hug Dawn. Jack's awfully protective of her."
Ted nodded. "That is true… but I thought vampires were myths?"
"What are vampires, Ted?" Dougal asked as Jack smashed his empty whiskey bottle over the head of the one remaining vampire then followed up with a splinter to its heart.
"I'll tell you later… after I have some brandy."
"Daddy?" Dawn asked as she walked out of the store where she and Ms. Doyle had hidden. "Can we go see a filim?"
Jack grinned and they walked off followed by Ted and Dougal.
"I hope he'll at least let her see one that doesn't have nudity this time. Priests are supposed to be knowledgeable about lots of subjects. But sex talks are a little much. And Jack is too knowledgeable."
"What are those Ted?"
"I'll tell you when you're older."
"When's that Ted?"
"I'll let you know."
(I don't know yet how a meeting with Glory will take place… or when I'll be able to get it written. I've been in a writer's block for a while now. I surprised myself)