Nominated for 2010 COA: Best Comedy and Best Portrayal of Other Character!
: Andrew + Geekiness+ Magic+ A Force-Choking Professor= Bad Ass.Setting
: Sometime after the opening of the Slayer Academy Genre
: Joss Whedon is God and I love playing in his universe. He owns all things associated with Buffyverse. George Lucas is indeed another God of another brilliant universe and owns Darthie Poo. And… Tolkien owns the first 3 words ;)Notes
: A while back I posted this as a short in my The Slayer Academy Series: Slayer Shorts
but while I was going through my stories I realized it doesn’t really fit there - Those stories focus on the post-Chosen slayers at the Academy or at the moment they are ‘Chosen’ and obviously this is all Andrew fun. Hence, I took it from there to post as its own separate short.
Also, an OC Slayer of mine makes an appearance with Vi, who work together in another story of mine, hence their familiarity with each other and little jokes(in case you were wondering): A Vampire Slayer in Middle Earth
“Yesss, my Preciousss, finally you are here,” Andrew cooed to his recently dropped off Fed-Ex box as he stood in the foyer of the English castle that was known as the Slayer Academy.
Dawn looked up from her leather-bound book, ‘Ancient Sumerian for Dummies.’ “What’s that?” she asked as she stretched out onto a worn but comfy brown leather couch.
Andrew answered as he busily yet carefully tore at the packaging tape. “Oh my gosh, I’ve been waiting for it ever since I won the bid on E-Bay!” he exclaimed frantically. “It is a First Edition Star Wars Action Figure of Darth Vader!” In his eagerness his finger sliced against the sharp cardboard. “Owwwwwie!,” he squealed. “I hate cardboard cuts. Why is this box so freaking hard to open anyways?”
Biting back a smile, Dawn gestured for Andrew to hand the box over. “Here, I’ve got nails.” Like an expert she sliced and tore at the box until it was open. “Ooh, shiny,” she admired as she reached into the box.
“Hey! Hey now!” Andrew tore back the box and grimaced. “No touching the goods, sister. Thanks for your help but I can’t get any finger marks on him.”
“Dork,” she muttered as she rolled her eyes and returned to her ancient Sumerian language study.
“Shiny stupid Key thing,” he said in a low voice as he walked away. He was so engrossed in taking in his newest acquisition that he bumped into Willow as he rounded a corner.
“Oops, sorry!” he said as she juggled her various boxes.
“It’s fine Andrew. Actually, can you take these up to the Magic Wing, room number three? I have no idea where my apprentices ran off and we’re doing a summoning spell soon.”
“Cool,” Andrew said with a smile. “Can I watch?”
“Sure, no problem.” Then she put on her stern Willow face. “Just don’t say anything.” She started to walk away but paused. “Or do anything.” She turned once more but stopped. “Actually, just sit on your hands.”
“Hey,” he said defensively. “I’ve sat in on spell casting before. Its not like I’m Xander and mess with magic to do love spells or summon demons. Well, dancing demons anyways.”
Willow let out an exasperated sigh and raised her eyebrows.
“Okay, okay. I’m going,” he murmured.
With that he took Willow’s boxes along with his Darth Vader box and proceeded up to Magic Wing. That had been a recent development as they began acquiring more witches in training and began training some of the Slayers who showed skill in that area. Room number three was used for major spell casting, and Andrew was excited to see some magic. Since undertaking his watcher studies this past year he hadn’t been able to dabble much in magic; his time was wholly taken up with readings and seminars… Okay, and his time was taken up with his choice extra-curriculars like collecting fine Star Wars memorabilia.
After setting the boxes in the cupboard, Andrew sat down to admire his action figure while he waited for everyone to settle in. Within half and hour Willow began the spell so he stood up to get a better view; with about twenty witch apprentices and slayers there was quite a crowd. It seemed that Willow was trying to summon a being from another dimension that would be able to help them with the info on the latest apocalypse. Pink crystals were arranged in a circle on the wooden floor and Andrew stepped closer to it to see. He was still holding the box with Darth Vader in it because there was no way he was leaving this toy out of his sight with hormonal teenage super-strong girls.
Vibrations slid through the air and everyone trembled from the feeling of magic touching them. Andrew tried to move to the side so he could see Willow’s face; she always had cool creepy looks when she pulled out the major magics… Mmm, speaking of which that place sure sounded fun right now.
With his mind suddenly on pizza, he didn’t realize he stepped on a slayer’s foot when he tried to move. “Oops,” he muttered.
“Hey!” she tore her foot out from under him. “Be careful,” she hissed.
Andrew lost his balance and tumbled forward. He lost his grip on his box and it sailed through the air. Catching himself with the hands he let out a very dramatic, “Noooo!”, as he saw his action figure land in the circle.
Like a sonic boom, everyone was thrown back from the circle. Willow sat slumped on the floor, dazed, from the unexpected magical interruption. Smoke filled the air and everyone started coughing. Kennedy, Willow’s girlfriend and slayer, helped Willow up as she glared at Andrew. “Way to go, Dork Boy!” Then in a softer tone to Willow she added, “Are you okay, baby?”
Willow nodded and Kennedy let go of her once she could stand. Stalking to Andrew she pointed her finger at him and began yelling. “Andrew! I know Willow told you not to do anything and here you are ruining her spell! We’re supposed to bring forth an Oracle from another dimension and you messed it up! We don’t have many chances to get this right and we need that information.”
Andrew stared at her nervously; he found Kennedy very scary when she wasn’t just being annoying.
Suddenly Kennedy was lifted up and began grabbing at her throat. Her feet dangled rather comically in the air. Everyone looked at the circle and saw a figure in black as the smoke began clearing.
A mechanical breath filled the air. “You will pay for your insolence, girl.”
Andrew’s mouth gaped open. That figure in the circle was Darth Vader! Another slayer, Sofia Ramirez, went to deliver a flying kick but she was thrown against the wall with a wave of his gloved hand.
“Stop this!” called Willow in a voice that vibrated with power.
“This girl insulted the one who brought me. I can feel it in the Force.”
“ME?” squeaked Andrew.
“Him? Hello, witch here, I brought you. Now let go of my girlfriend!”
Darth Vader turned to Andrew. “Master, is this what you desire?”
“YES, ANDREW, SAY YES,” shouted Willow in a pissed off voice.
“Release her,” responded Andrew quickly. Him? A master?
Kennedy fell to the floor gasping for air as Willow rushed over. The other Slayers formed a protective circle around the two women. Standing up and moving forward, Willow eyed Andrew and Darth Vader suspiciously. “Uh, okay… What happened here?”
Andrew motioned for Darth to speak. After all, if he was a master he should get used to this, having a minion speak for him… Plus, he really had no idea what happened.
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away I served the Emperor and we ruled over all. Suddenly, I felt a part of my soul rip away and my spirit became encased in that plastic six-inch prison. Because of my power in the Dark Side of the Force I have been aware of everything but still unable to break out. Andrew here has done so by placing that prison into your circle. I am free because of him and thus I serve him.” Darth Vader bowed his head reverently in Andrew’s direction. “Thank you for ingeniously releasing me, Master.”
Andrew was so happy he grabbed a spare spell book and held it in front of his waist. “Cooool,” he whispered.
Several members of the Watchers Council sat at a long mahogany table in the meeting room, along with Andrew and his recently acquired minion Darth Vader. The present members were Giles, Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Quentin Travers often-annoying son, Sean Travers.
Giles cleared his throat and began the meeting, as per his duty as Council Head. “Today we’re having an emergency meeting to decide the fate of Mr. Vader.”
Darth Vader released a deep mechanical breath. “It’s Darth Vader, actually. I‘ve worked very hard for that title. You have no idea how many people I had to kill to get there.”
“Excuse me,” mumbled Giles in his polite English manner. “Mr. Darth Vader.”
Darth Vader waved his hands in the hair. “No, no no. It is simply Darth Vader. Darth is my title. Technically it is like you are calling me Mr. Mr. Vader in your manner, except of course the title of Darth is highly regarded.”
Taking off his glasses to clean them, Giles squinted in Darth Vader’s direction. “Ah, yes, of course. My apologies, Darth Vader. Anyways, we must decide what to do with you.”
“Yeah, you are technically evil, although cool. Do we need to worry about you trying to kill anymore people?” Xander asked suspiciously.
“I will do as my Master commands me. I do not desire that prison again and the witch has informed me there is no way she can send me back to my original world.”
“Uh-huh.” Buffy crossed her arms and stared doubtfully. “Aren’t you evil? I only got to the first two movies but you were definitely evil. And around here we tend to kill evil things.”
Andrew leaned against the table. “No way! You can’t kill my minion! Besides, you’ve hung out with lots of evil men. It’s not Darth Vader’s fault that he doesn’t have great cheekbones or abs or you want to date him!”
“Oh my God, ages ago! Get over it Andrew, I’m over the bad guys.”
“Are you?” asked Sean Travers with a raised eyebrow and cheeky grin.
Buffy appraised his handsome face and hazel eyes critically. “Not in this lifetime,” she sniffed. As if she would hook up with the son of that horrible Quentin Travers man - even if he kinda lickable looking.
“Enough!” Giles held up his hands. “Darth Vader if you vow to not hurt anyone or do any evil then that will set our minds at ease.”
“Yes, Darth Vader. Vow to never hurt an innocent or commit evil again,” Andrew ordered.
It sounded like he sighed, but it was hard to tell with the machine-ness of it all. He leaned in closer to Andrew. “Master, you do realize I follow the Dark Side. There is so much power there, and occasionally that power calls for me to do something evil.” He shrugged.
Andrew patted his arm reassuringly. “Don’t worry, you’ve got some light in you. We’ll talk about all that later.” Andrew was especially eager to share his own story of how he redeemed his evil ways to work on the side of Good.
“Very well. I vow to never hurt an innocent or commit evil again.” Yes, that was definitely followed by a sigh that time.
“Excellent. Now, you can stay in a room on the fourth floor where all the watchers and watchers-in-training are staying. Someone just moved out so you’ll be staying in a room with a second year named Dominic Cruise.”
“Uh, excuse me. Did you just say I shall have a roommate?” Darth Vader held his index finger up questioningly in the air.
“Certainly. We’re at full capacity right now and we certainly cannot let you leave the premises,” Giles answered.
Darth Vader threw up his hands in frustration and surprise. “But-But, I cannot have a roommate! I’m forty years old! I was once at the right-hand of an all-powerful Emperor!”
Xander looked at him in disbelief. “Is the all-scary Darth Vader whining right now?”
Before Vader could finish, Buffy quipped, “And now you’ll be bunking with a teenager and eating out of your mini-fridge. Deal with it.”
Darth Vader crossed his arms sulkily and, likely if they could see his face, was scowling.
“So, what’s he going to do while he’s here? Hmm… We do need a new janitor! It would be so easy for him to clean, all like Fantasia but with the Force,” Xander laughed at his own funniness. Darth Vader just breathed in and out very heavily.
“Actually… I have an idea,” said Andrew with a smile. “With Faith out on the Indonesia trip we do have a shortage for another training instructor. Perhaps Darth Vader could fill in?”
Buffy held up a hand. “Hold up, Sparky. You want tall, dark, and evil to be teaching our girls how to fight?”
Andrew shifted nervously. “Uh… yeah.”
Buffy nodded and the others followed suit. “Not a bad idea there, Giles Jr.”
Giles cleared his throat noisily. “Buffy, what have I said about using that nickname?” he asked in an irritated tone, clearly displeased to have any association to Andrew.
Buffy waved away his words. “Fine, Giles.”
“Wait a second,” began Darth Vader. “Are you implying that I, Darth Vader, scourge of the universe be lowered to teaching those teenage girls that I saw earlier?” He sighed heavily. “I detest teenage girls. They are rather annoying and often fret about their looks.”
“Think about it, Darth. You’re a totally a BAMF and since you *are* evil you’ll be much better at teaching the girls how evil guys think,” Andrew explained.
Darth Vader crossed his arms and looked at them. “Only if I get my own room. And if the students are insolent I get to Force Choke them.”
Giles raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I daresay mate, you cannot Force Choke any of our students, no matter how insolent they are.”
Holding his thumb and index finger a little bit apart he asked, “Not even a little?” he whined.
“That’s a big negative-o, Darthie Poo. You can’t just go walking around Force Choking people. Ya know,” Xander held up his index finger to make his point, “maybe you should learn how to resolve your differences with words instead of death and torture.”
An air of menace swelled as Darth Vader leaned forward and rasped, “You will call me by my rightful name, not ‘Darthie Poo’, or I shall truly show you the meaning of torture.”
“Right now, hold on. Darth Vader, we will give you your own room, but no Force Choking, is that clear?” Giles gave his best stern look. However, seeing that that look didn’t even work on Buffy he knew that Vader was probably out of his league.
Darth Vader crossed his arms and leaned back. He breathed loudly. “Fine,” he grumbled.
Vi slid into the training room looking about wildly. Spotting her friend Sofia, she sat down on the gym mat with her. “Am I late?” she gasped. “Has class started yet?”
“Nope, you good. We have a couple minutes.” Sofia smiled geekily. “I can’t believe the rumors about the new prof. Who would have thought they would have this guy fill in for Faith’s class while she’s out in Indonesia?”
Shaking her head in wonderment, Vi said, “I know. This is gonna be a trip.”
Sofia clapped her hands. “I’m pretty psyched to go up against a Sith Lord and learn some battle skills from him. This is soooo cool!”
Eying her skeptically, Vi asked, “Oh God. I forgot that you’re a Star Wars fan?”
She set her shoulders defensively. “Hey, you got your romance novels and I got my Timothy Zahn novels. Don’t hate.”
“SILENCE” bellowed a deep voice as the door crashed open. Darth Vader stalked into the room as his cape billowed behind him. Immediately, every girl shut up.
“My name is Darth Vader and I will be your instructor for this class. Rule number one: I don’t want to be here and I already hate you, so don’t try to suck up.” Vi heard Sofia sigh sadly next to her. “Rule number two: I will not tolerate any insolence. Is this clear?”
All the girls nodded their head, afraid to speak.
“Excellent. You there.” He pointed to Rona in the front row. “Dawn has introduced this beverage called a caramel macchiato to me. You will run to the kitchen and make me one. And don’t forget the whipped cream.”
“Huh?” Rona’s eyes bugged out. “You gotta be kidding me. I’m supposed to be your coffee wench?”
Vader stalked over to her. “I assure you, I never kid.” He waved his hand and Rona was levitated out of the room.
“You!” He pointed at an Indian slayer named Sita. “Sit up straight.” He motioned with his hand and suddenly her back was super straight. He turned to eye the rest of the class. “I also do not tolerate idleness or laziness.” Everyone gulped.
Darth Vader then proceeded to outline the purpose of the class: To think like evil and create strategies for fighting evil that would include them sparring against him. At one point in his speech he noticed a very young slayer of twelve years whisper something to her friend and giggle. He stopped speaking and gave her a death glare. Luckily for her, it didn’t actually cause death like he normally could; only because it was against the rules.
“Find something amusing?” he asked in a cold voice.
The girl shook her head frantically. “No! No sir!”
He leaned in close to her face. “So, you just think that you can talk while I’m talking? I’m sorry, but do you want to me the teacher here, Ms. Whatever-Is-Your-Name?”
“No! No, I swear. My name is Amy.”
“Amy,” he sneered. “Class look at Amy. She has broken one of my rules and must be dealt with appropriately for her insolence. Let her foolishness serve as a lesson to all of you to not be so stupid in this class.”
Amy burst into tears. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered.
Darth Vader paused. “Uh…” Amy continued crying and wiping tears from her face. “Aw, gosh, kid. Don’t cry.”
Amy’s petite body shook with sobs.
He swore under his breath. “Dammit, none of the Storm Troopers ever cried when I yelled at them.”
Raising his voice, he implored, “come on now, I didn’t mean it. You’re not stupid. I was just trying to scare you, don’t cry. I can’t deal with weeping girls like I used to. Here.” Darth Vader took the edge of his cape and wiped the tears from Amy’s face. “There ya go. All better now?”
Sniffling, Amy gave a nod and a small smile.
Kennedy couldn’t help herself. Darth Vader gets creeped out by crying girls? She started snickering.
“Kennedy, that is a detention for you!”
“Detention!” she whined.
“Yes, I’ll be using you for my weight training.”
Her face crinkled in confusion. “How?”
“My Force abilities need to be exercised like any other muscle. Tonight for one hour I will use you as my object to lift using the Force for one hour.”
Kennedy glared at him but kept her mouth shut. One detention was enough.
“Class, this is it for today. I have an appointment with Xander and Andrew to do something in a Dungeon and I think they said they’re bringing Dragons. For your homework tonight you must type a five page paper, single-spaced on how you would plan an evil take-over, in order to better understand the evil you are up against and learn how to think like them.
“Five pages?” Kennedy squeaked. “In one night? That’s impossible?”
“Impossible? Well then, in addition to that five page paper write an additional five page paper on how you, as the good guy, would fight against your own elaborate evil take-over.”
“Dude, that’s not even fair for you to add that much more stuff!” Kennedy said defiantly.
“I have altered the homework. Pray that I do not alter it any further,” Vader hissed as he pivoted and stalked out of the classroom, leaving all the girls speechless.
Except Sofia. “That was just like in the movie! Cool,” she said dreamily with a goofy grin as everyone glared at her.
I like making evil guys be silly and petty :D It’s just fun and I wanted to resolve this little plot bunny, although I’m sure I could have written more of Prof Vader’s teaching career.
Oh yeah, and you’ll notice a common theme that I am never all that nice to Kennedy… haha, she’s just a brat ;)