Status Quo Antebellum Scoobium
Disclaimer: Deadpool #1000 is awesome. You guys should totally go out and buy it or borrow it from someone and read it. “My color is yellow! I declare my emotion to be win.” “I’m white, what does that mean?” “That your emotion is racism.” Hehehehe… Oh. Right. Ummm… I don’t own anything.
“So let me get this straight.” Willow paused.
“OK.” Buffy allowed.
“You died and death personified itself as an attractive, blue haired woman with about a b-cup who was about 5’6” and overly cheerful. She then offered you your life back and now you have, in addition to the left over Slayer powers, the ability to shoot laser beams out of your fingers and a soul bound familiar.” She pointed at the tiny, black kitten with deep blue, feathery wing walking awkwardly across the bed to where the two girls were sitting. Said kitten then proceeded to gnaw on the tip of the offending appendage in a futile, but adorable attempt to prove she was the alpha predator. “All in exchange for you occasionally doing what you were doing anyways, hunting demons.”
“That about sums it up. Oh, and I named her Mrs. Fluffems.”
“Neat. But Buffy, you didn’t have to make up some silly story about a girl who looks like me with blue hair giving you your life back and some pussy to get me to sleep with you.”
“I know bu… wait, what?” Her eyes widened and her face flushed.
“Although, I’m not sure what the lasers symbolize. Maybe that you’re kinky?”
“Willow! I do not want to sleep with you!”
“Why not? Am I not pretty enough for you then?” Willow would have given herself an 8.7 on the pout-o-meter.
“No, it’s not that. You’re really pretty. No… I mean… that… Gah! Puppy dog eyes!”
“Great! Pick me up at seven tomorrow and we’ll go get dinner and a movie. Gotta warn you though, I’m no Suzy-Roundheels. I don’t put out on the first date.”
“Huh? But… I don’t…”
“Okay, I’ll put out on the first, but only because our friendship means so much to me. See you later Sweety.” Willow got up and kissed a stunned Buffy on the cheek before leaving. Buffy could only stare straight ahead as she heard Willow say goodbye to Joyce and Dawn.
“… What just happened?”
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Buffy was nervous. Why was she doing this again? Oh, yeah. Willow had gone insane and playing along might help her return to normal. I was going to be OK. She would take Willow out to dinner and a movie as friends, it would be a lack luster date and then everything would be back to normal and any awkwardness would pass by the time school started. It was a perfect, fool proof plan.
Then Willow answered the door in those leather pants with that tight, short sleeved shirt and her hair done up in braids and curls. It was like being hit with a sledge hammer with the word ‘lesbian’ written in big bold letters on it. In the stomach. Repeatedly. All of Buffy’s plans of escaping this night with her heterosexuality intact shattered and fell like a three story house of cards on the San Andreas fault. The mind blowing kiss after that swept away any fragments that might have tried to reclaim the night in the name of eventually having children.
Willow noticed Buffy’s reaction and made a mental note to find out the previous record for turning a straight girl gay was before she had blown it out of the water.
“You look lovely tonight Buffy.”
“I… you… tongue.”
“Also a yes.”
“I know. Paradigm shifts are weird, huh?”
“Is that what you call that thing you did with your tongue?”
“That would be a good name for it.”
“Right. So, Dinner, Movie then Home to shift each others paradigms till we can’t see straight?”
“Sound like a plan to me.”
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The rest of the week, Willow and Buffy dated. Sometimes they went to the Bronze to make the guys drool, sometimes they went hunting for demons and once, on the last day of summer vacation, they sat with Giles in the library and just talked.
They talked about Buffy’s rebirth and Giles suggested that he may have led the Council to believe that Buffy still had only the Slayer powers, allowing him to stay and assist them. The girls hugged him. They talked about their new relationship, and Buffy blushed the whole story through. Willow just grinned and Giles cleaned his glasses. But mostly, they talked about Xander and what he meant to them. Willow told a story about a yellow crayon. Buffy hugged her close and Giles brought out the tea and biscuits (The girls then made fun of him for calling the cookies, biscuits).
The real surprise had been half way through the ‘Xander Stories’, Cordelia found them and joined in, talking about how Xander had been one of two people who had known her and never seemed to want anything from her. It went on for hours, trading anecdotes, and laughing at silly things he had done. How he had tried until the end to save Buffy’s life, how he had tried and failed to start a food fight one day, how he had remembered everything from the ‘Hyena Incident’ (“I knew it!”) and, most importantly, how he had never lost hope. After that, they fell into a comfortable silence, lost in remembrance.
Until the portal to hell that sat about ten feet away from them decided that they had had a bit too much peace and opened up.
Like a switch, the remaining Scoobies and Cordelia (though she would deny it later) went from ‘remembering a friend’ mode to ‘kill everything that looks at you funny’ mode. They scrambled for weapons of any kind and came up with an axe (Giles), a crossbow (Cordelia), Precilla (Buffy) and a stick (Willow). Buffy looked at her girlfriend questioningly.
“I palmed it off of those Twins I was telling you about. I wave it and things blow up.” Giles would have groaned and cleaned his glasses but the imminent danger overrode his natural instincts.
Further banter was cut off by the crackles of energy and the way that the Hellmouth seemed to heaving, like someone about to throw up. The sound effects, once again eerily similar to a person about to vomit, grated on their nerves as they waited for something to happen. Then, with a mighty pulse of power and a blinding flash of light, the Hellmouth closed and a humanoid figure appeared, kneeling on the ground, massive blade on his back, with the tattered remnants of a brown cloak swirling about him in the dying infernal winds that had escaped the portal. He spoke in a quiet, gravelly voice that spoke of hunger unimaginable to mortal minds.
They tensed, ready to do battle with the vicious hell spawn.
Knuckles whitened on hilts and handles as the figure stood to its full, impressive height.
It turned to face them, “Must… have… Twinkies!!!” revealing the face of Xander Harris, his expression grim.
Buffy blinked. Then blinked again. “What?”
“I was in Hell. There are no Twinkies in Hell. The literature about the place doesn’t do the horror justice. They hadn’t even heard of Twinkies.”
Giles found his voice. “You went to Hell and all you cared about was the absence of a snack cake?”
“Demons are used to only torturing spirits that have no physical body so they use the soul’s guilt against it. The only things I had to feel guilty about were staking Jesse, nearly raping Buffy and not noticing Willow’s crush and those were, in order, an accident, the hyena’s fault and I’m oblivious to things like that.”
“So they couldn’t hurt you?”
“No, they could hurt me, they just didn’t have their main tool for doing so. Fighting my way out only took a few years, where a person who deserved to be there would have taken centuries. Actually, the hardest part of getting out was that stupid wall of grasping hands thing. Kept grabbing me in awkward places and I would have to get down and take a bath until I felt clean again. Then that guy in the boat kept telling me to get out of the water like he owned the damn river.”
Giles’ mouth opened then closed. He cleaned his glasses and asked in a quiet voice, “Xander, did you bathe in the river Styx?”
“…Maybe. I didn’t hear any rock music but they could have been playing it further up river.”
Giles grabbed the crossbow from Cordelia and shot Xander, center mass. The bolt merely hit him and ricocheted off. “Yes. Yes you did.” Giles went to his office and brewed a new batch of tea. He returned with a kettle and Xander’s emergency box of Twinkies. “Good to have you back.”
“Wait, wait, wait! So that’s it? Every one’s alive again and no one’s sacrifice meant anything?” Cordelia yelled.
Xander smiled and patted her on the shoulder. “Yup, it’s like in comics; if you’re interesting enough, bad stuff that happens to you like death or going to hell all gets washed away and you learn a moral and everything goes back to the way it was.”
“Willow and I are dating.”
“And sometimes everything gets completely awesome.”
A/N: Tell me whats what. Am I getting too crazy here? Not crazy enough? Pie?