Disclaimer: I own nothing; all characters belong to Joss Whedon and Stephenie Meyer.
Author notes: This is quite obviously intended as a parody. The other day I was reflecting upon the fact that Buffy is not only better than Twilight but also Twilight ripped off its entire premise. Upon a friend’s enthused comment I of course felt inspired to write this, amusing myself very much if no one else…hope you enjoy too though.
Bella Swan and Edward Cullen looked deeply into each other’s eyes, their faces close; to the tragically star-crossed young (well, in Bella’s case, anyway)people (well, Bella’s a person anyway), there was no one and nothing else in their world but their lover. ( Well, not lover as in the sexual sense, at least until they’re married, because that would be wrong and immoral and a bad example to young girls. Unlike having devotion for dead, bloodthirsty, possessive men to the point of being willing to kill yourself to be with him or because you can’t have him, ala Romeo and Juliet. But I digress.)
Bella’s eyes (dull brown, supposedly ordinary, but still somehow able to attract the lust of every male that comes across her path) shone- no, SPARKLED- with total slavish unapologetic devotion as she nearly swooned in Edward’s stone cold, hard, yet still somehow inviting (don’t ask me) arms, and Edward looked back at her with an intense brooding stare, which of course made him appear to be a deep, sexy, troubled soul (he wishes), attractive, enough to her to overcome the tiny detail that he was a blood-crazed demon who was causing the underaged girl to commit necrophilia of sorts. Of course, it was a lovely night outside, the stars shimmering- no, SPARKLING- overhead, the full moon lighting their way, shadows cast in such an artful fashion that they appeared in the most attractive light possible, and of course, MUCH like normal high school students. Still staring deeply into each other’s eyes, they began to convey their love for each other- which was of course, deep, epic, eternal, and all they could ever want in life. Or unlife.
“Bella, it doesn’t matter to me that I am 283 years old while you are a mere sixteen, that you can’t even walk across a room without falling, fainting, or being attacked by monsters, or that you have absolutely no ambition in life other than to die as a teenager so you can be with me forever. That is attractive and enticing to me. I hate it when girls play hard to get, it means I actually have to try to be normal instead of stalking them, appearing out of shadows suddenly, and watching them as they sleep. Thank you for loving me even though I’m creepy and dead,” Edward intoned solemnly.
“Oh, Edward, when you stare at me without speaking like a hungry dog eyeing a juicy pork chop and break my ribs hugging me too hard, it only makes me love you more. If only you would let me die with you so I could also develop a creepy yet sexy stare!” Bella gushed, smiling blissfully. “Or better yet, I could spend seven years of my life fixated on you, loving you even if you go evil and try to kill all my friends. You know, the ones who inexplicably love me even though I’m totally emo and rude to them. Do you think you could arrange that? Oh, maybe I could even send you to hell for a few months so I could really agonize! Wouldn’t that be such drama?”
“HEY!” cried Buffy Summers from the sidelines, striding over at a rapid pace, eyes wide and indignant as she gestured furiously. “It’s one thing to steal my love story. Moony relationships- heh, I punned- between cradle robbing vampires and human girls, I can get that, those things are common enough. I can let it go about you stealing the part about being the new girl in town with all the boys after you and not being interested in anyone but your vampire boyfriend with a conscience. Having an oblivious single parent like me, sure. I can even let you have your vampire boyfriend have gelled cowlicks and a tortured soul and brood face like mine. But stealing my angst story?! No way, you can’t have that too!”
Bella turned her head, sulking. “But I’m weaker and less interesting than you and I don’t even want a life. I want to be dead with superpowers. I have to have something or else I’m just a headcase.”
“You ARE a headcase!” Buffy cried, throwing out her arms in frustration. “Not to mention that all your little friends are totally Single White Females!”
Edward frowned. “I’m not single…and I’m a male.”
“Oh, you SOOO wish,” snorted a husky voice nearby, and Faith Lehane appeared beside Buffy, smirking and crossing her arms as she eyed the couple before her with something between disgust, irritation, and amusement. Bella picked up the defense, eyeing Faith’s leather pants and tight cleavage-bearing top with undisguised envy.
“Some of us are African-American,” she said defensively, and Buffy joined Faith in rolling her eyes.
“One vampire, who was thrown in for political correctness. And that is so not what I meant. Do you know any pop culture at all besides MY show?”
Bella protested with a pout, her arms possessively wound around the still brooding (of course) Edward. “Well there aren’t very many non-white people on your show either, so I don’t see-“
“Hey, I screwed a black guy!” Faith countered, and Buffy shuddered.
“In my bed, I know, believe me, not something I’m ever gonna forget. And so did Giles- ugggghhhh. Only, only not a guy- a black girl- I mean, that wasn’t my point here!”
“What is your point?” Edward asked, his brow furrowing in broody confusion, and Buffy pointed at the brow, then spread her arms in a wide gesture.
“THAT is my point- come on over, guys!”
As Bella gawked, tripped, nearly fainted, and clutched Edward possessively, and Edward brooded intently, two lines began to march across the cemetery, eyeing each other with ominous glares. The characters came forward in pairs, one by one, facing off and speaking to their individual competitors and foes. Joyce Summers, Esme Cullen, Charlie Swan, and Rupert Giles formed a circle, looking at each other closely as Buffy narrated.
“Esme and Charlie, you are totally ripping off of my mom and Giles. Esme, you’re the attractive mother figure- like my mom- who lets a million kids trounce in and out of your house without ever telling them to leave. Charlie, you’re stealing from my mom AND Giles! Like my mom, you’re totally clueless to Bella’s life, as a single parent, and like Giles, you’re absent-minded and wouldn’t know a life if it hit you upside the head in flashing bold letters. Oh, except my mom is funny, unlike you two. And Giles has, you know, a cool Ripper side. And he’s smarter and has a goofy accent.”
“I beg your pardon?” Giles protested as Charlie said, “Excuse me, young lady, but-“
“That’s MY line!” Joyce protested, before both she and Esme spoke in unison. “Can’t we all just get along like civilized people?”
“Hey, a cop,” Faith grinned beside Buffy, raising an eyebrow appreciatively. “He’s kinda cute. You got handcuffs, man? ‘Cause if you don’t have a life I can show you where to-“
“Alice, you’re Drusilla, minus the total insanity and blood crazed mentality, and the weird accent…but th cutesy prophesizing vampire, you stole it from her,” Buffy quickly cut Faith of as the brunette Slayer circled the suddenly nervous Charlie with a lusty grin, trailing her hand up his arm. The Cockney ex of Spike faced the gleeful pixie version of herself with a scowl, growling.
“Bad dolly! She must be punished…what do you think mummy should do to her, love…what shall we-“
“Surely this one’s not supposed to be me,” Spike, not listening to her, blustered as he stared in horror at Edward, touching his own face compulsively before pointing at Angel, who had silently appeared beside him and was regarding the hapless imitator with an identical brooding scowl. “That bloody poof?! That one has to be YOU, Peaches!”
“As fascinating as I’m sure your sexual history may have been with each other, I don’t want to know,” Buffy said dryly, looking between her exes critically. “I say he took some from both of you.”
A sudden beam of sunlight broke forth; as the other vampires screamed and ducked away, the Cullens began to sparkle. As Drusilla’s eyes glowed and she reached for it, cooing, “So lovely…” Spike sputtered in outrage.
“Bloody hell, they’re bloody SPARKLING! I do not SPARKLE, no real vampire bloody SPARKLES!”
“Well, not unless they’re in an especially excited sexual state,” Buffy corrected, and when everyone, including her mother, turned to gawk at her, she flushed brightly. “I, I mean, no, of course not! Next!”
“She is a totally not funny, not fashionable, and NOT COOL version of me!” Cordelia Chase cried out indignantly, pointing directly in Jessica’s face. “AND she just exists to be a bad friend and get on Bella’s nerves!”
“Sounds strangely familiar,” Buffy acknowledged. As Mike Newton and Riley Finn eyed each other suspiciously, she waved them off dismissively. “Both blonde, bland, and way in love with us. Next.”
“He ripped off of both of us!” Xander Harris declared as he pointed at Jacob Black, standing next to Oz, who eyed the tall muscular teenager impassively. “It wasn’t enough that he gets to be cool and a werewolf like Oz, with the muscles Oz DIDN’T get. He also gets my sense of humor and role of the main girl’s who’s name also starts with a B’s best friend!”
“Not cool,” Oz agreed in his usual laconic fashion, as Willow Rosenberg eyed Angela with a frown.
“I guess she’s supposed to be me…the smart quiet best female friend…but she hardly even is a character at all. What about me? Aren’t I even interesting enough to steal more from?”
“At least someone wanted to steal from you!” Dawn Summers complained. “No one even bothered to copy me! Why didn’t anyone want to copy ME?”
“Probably because you are a child and annoying,” Anya Jenkins informed her. “But I am an intelligent and attractive blonde who’s good with money. And I used to be a demon. Why doesn’t anyone want to be me? I have to be with Xander, the copycat Xander can’t be with the copycat Buffy!”
“No, he’s with the baby,” Faith smirked as she slipped the gun from the flushing Charlie’s holster, and Anya gasped.
“Xander! Your copycat is with a child! That’s like you being with Dawn!”
“He is in the comic book,” Faith informed her, and Anya gasped again, as did Buffy.
“This is what happens when I die, the whole world falls apart!”
“They’re still sparkling! They’re a lot of bloody idiots, they are, not to mention poofs, just look at his hair!” Spike continued to rant, and Faith grinned.
“Look who’s talking, Draco Malfoy. By the way, how come no one copied me?”
“No one wants to be a skank,” Buffy muttered, and Faith made an affronted noise in her throat.
“My standards are higher than yours, at least I don’t sleep with dead guys.”
“Or Asian girls…right?” Dawn asked suspiciously, giving Faith a look, and when Faith just grinned back at her, she shuddered. “I am officially traumatized for the rest of my LIFE, is this a tag team effort?!”
“So the point is here, you’re, you’re blatantly cheating here,” Buffy interrupted hurriedly, her face flaming. “You have totally copied us, and you haven’t even done it right.” Warming up, she raised her voice in an inspirational righteous speech, ala season seven. “You can’t do that! There are laws! And rights! And, and it’s just stupid! You could go to jail, you know, that’s what happens when you make copies of DVDS! So…we could put you in jail. Or sue you. Or-“
“Screw that,” Faith interrupted, lazily releasing Charlie and eyeing the others, a wicked smile dawning as she turned back to Buffy. “You’ve got a stake, B. Use it.”
“Oh, right,” Buffy looked down at the wooden object in her hand and smiled. “Yeah, that’s a better idea.”
“Oh, stakes don’t kill us,” Edward said confidently, and both Buffy and Faith grinned as they advanced upon them, eyes gleaming- no, SPARKLING.
“You never met a Slayer.”