And segues into something slightly more ridiculous
Woo, tired. Okay, first- I own none of these characters. Second- an update would normally never happen this fast, but an idea got itself into my head and wouldn't leave me alone. Fourth- this isn't actually supposed to be a silly fic. The characters are just acting like it. That being said-
Xander stared at the Headmaster.
“You want me to go to school here.”
Dumbledore smiled. “Well, hopefully. I’ve heard the other schools offer a competitive curriculum, but I really do believe you’d fit in best right here.”
“I’m not magical.”
“You’re here in Hogwarts.”
“Being in a magical castle does not a wizard make, any more than a zoo makes you a lion or a church makes you religious. And besides, has anybody noticed the whole plus-ten age difference?”
“I go to Hogwarts, and I have only just recently passed my own centennial.”
“You’re a teacher
“I’ve never let that stop me. Why, just this morning, I discovered what makes dragonsnaps cry. It was not a pretty sight, let me tell you. All those sappy tears running everywhere…”
“I return to the unmagical argument.”
“I dare you to take a wand and not have it react.”
“You mean explode.”
Dumbledore beamed. “Exactly! You see? Magical.”
Harry and the others took a few hasty steps back.
Xander smacked his forehead. “Is nobody seeing the ridiculous here? Random stranger pops up, headmaster instantly tries to enroll him. What’s really going on, Dumbleman?”
Dumbledore looked at him gravely, and then sighed. “I really didn’t want to resort to this, Xander, but you force my hand.”
Xander stepped back warily. “What?”
“This was prophesied.”
Harry watched as Xander’s shoulders slumped. “You’re serious.”
“As sure as one can be in the situation.” The man seemed to be very amused for some reason.
Xander looked at him skeptically. “I don’t suppose you’ve got a copy of this thing hanging around?”
Dumbledore brought out a glowing orb. “I do indeed! I thought you might want to hear it for yourself- it is… quite unusual.”
“Wha-!” Harry exclaimed, “Sir, you never did that for me!”
“This is, as I think you will agree once you’ve heard it, a very different situation.” The Headmaster tapped his wand gently against the orb.
“HELLO? HELLO, IS THIS THING ON? TESTING, ONE, TWO- *AHEM*. RIGHT.
FOUR YEARS FROM THE NEW MILLENIUM
IN THE FOURTH WEEK OF OCTOBER-
NO, IT’S OCTOBER.
YES, I’M SURE IT IS.
BECAUSE I SAID SO!
LOOK, WHO SPENT THE LAST THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS WORKING OUT CROSS-DIMENSIONAL PROBABILITIES, YOU OR ME? THANK
-IN THE FOURTH WEEK OF OCTOBER
THE ONE WHO SEES SHALL APPEAR
AND HE WILL CALL HIMSELF OZ.
-BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I’D DO.
BECAUSE I KNOW HOW THE SILLY GOOBER THINKS!
GIRL, YOU GONNA LET ME DO THIS PROPHECY OR NOT? CROSS-DIMENSIONAL CALLS ARE EXPENSIVE, HIGHER BEING OR NO! LESSE, OCTOBER, APPEARING, OZ- AH.
-HE SHALL BE TAUGHT AT HOGWARTS
AND WHEN HE OBJECTS
YOU SHALL TELL HIM-
IT WAS PROPHECIED.
...SO, WHEN’RE YOU GUYS GONNA SEND THIS THING TO YOUR DIMENSION’S SEERS? WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S LIVE?! YOU SONS OF A-!"
“And this is the point at which the seer in question fell into a river.” Dumbledore tapped the orb once more, and it fell dark.
Everyone stared at the orb.
“Well…” Xander drawled, leaning back. “I’m not sure if I’m assured or frightened. I mean, on one hand, somebody up there likes me. On the other, they kinda suck at prophecies.”
“So you will do it?”
“Sure, I guess. Still not seeing with the logic, but hey! Sounds like the PTBs got some Scoobies up there, and we never were strong on that.”
“Excellent! Then all that remains is for you to get your school supplies and be sorted. And how fortuitous! It seems that dinner is almost upon us. We can sort you in the Great Hall now.”
A panicked look flashed across Xander’s face. “Wait, what? Can’t you just, y’know, decide now and let me, I dunno, hide under someone’s bed?”
Dumbledore stood up and began putting on his dinner robe. “Of course not! We need to announce your presence to the student body! They will, after all, be seeing you every day in class.”
“Yes, and having to go back to school ten years later is not at all
Dumbledore smiled broadly. “I’m glad you feel that way! Come, the Hall is this way.” He said, walking out of his office. Harry and his friends scrambled after him, and after a small delay Xander followed.
And so it was that shortly, Xander found himself standing in a giant hall filled with candles and open to the night sky. He stared suspiciously at the candles, waiting for one of them to fitz and drop on his head, but they all seemed to stay perfectly stable.
“Excuse me, everyone! Everyone, silence please!” Dumbledore tapped on a water glass. “Due to a strange series of events involving a river, a scarecrow, and Australia’s continued existence, a student will be re-enrolling in order to qualify for the standard Ministry hiring protocols. Please welcome Xander Harris, and be kind, as Australian magic is completely
unlike anything we’ve ever done. Well, mostly- there are some startling similarities. I seem to recall one time, where I accidently set a man on fire in Sydney by trying to grow myself a new crop of begonias. Needless to say, the authorities were not pleased, and, much like this young man here, had me enrolled in a secondary educational institution. I thought it very unfair, especially since they wouldn’t show me how to grow the begonias, but such is life. Now where was I?”
“Australia.” McGonagall whispered.
“Ah, yes, Australia! And you must have suspected that the boy’s origins would leave him unsorted. So! We shall endeavor to remedy immediately. Fawkes, if you would…?”
A phoenix appeared in a flash of brilliant fire, flapping its wings and carrying an old beaten hat.
“Xander, if you could take the hat, please, and wear it?”
“This isn’t going to involve markers and funny glasses, is it?”
“Only if you want it to.”
Xander took the hat tentatively and placed it on his head. What? What is this, putting me on the head of a muggle!
“Hey!” Xander whipped the hat off and glared at it for a second, before putting it back on.Oh, alright, I suppose you have
some power, but good grief, boy! It’s no wonder magic goes wonky around you.
“Hey!”Ah, well, let's see what you have. Plenty of courage, you’d have to to chase so stupidly after all those monsters with no powers.
“And again with the hey!”Mm, and intelligence too- oh, yes, remember your classes with Willow? No? They were AP, you retarded monkey. Hrm, but you hide it with cunning, interesting. You could slack off in Ravenclaw or have a bit of fun playing in Slytherin. Choices, choices, where should we… ohhhh what have we here? Oho, you're one of
those. Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahaha!
I normally just dump all the students that don't fit into Hufflepuff, but you, my dear boy, you- Oh, this
will be fun, I haven't seen one of you in a while! The key thing to remember, lad, is what defines your house. That being said, I think we’ll definitely be placing you in-