Ferretti and Alien Lexicons
“WHAT IN HELL IS GOING ON?” yelled Aura at the top of her lungs, her furry body heaving in exhaustion from the night of car destroying activity and fury.
“I do believe that we have all turned into Ewoks,” Giles said, sitting down on the curb and massaging his forehead. From somewhere, he pulled out his glasses and slipped them onto his nose. Spectacles on an Ewok was an odd sight.
“Oh, it’ll be fine,” Aphrodesia said. “It’s only temporary. I mean, it’s not like this can last forever, right? We’re just going to go back. It’s probably all a weird dream. Like those dreams with giant pancakes falling out of the sky.”
“No, I’m sure it’s just fine,” Giles said. “And global warming will cease on its own. Oh, and vampires will start staking themselves to save us the trouble. I also expect that English Football hooligans will just say: go ahead Germany, you can have the Cup.”
“Sarcasm isn’t helping anyone,” Buffy said with a grim look.
“I don’t know, it frequently helps me deal,” Xander said. “That and Twinkies. I like Twinkies.”
Aura was trying to pull her fur off like it was a costume.
“It’s just a costume,” she said, still plucking at her overly hirsute body.. “It’s probably just stuck on. A long soak will solve that.”
“Oh, I hardly think that will do anything,” Giles said unhelpfully.
“Rupert,” Jenny said in a tone that most people in relationships learn to fear very early on. It promised repercussions and possible holding back of certain…activities. “We owe them an explanation.”
“Yes, very well,” he said standing up. He stepped up onto a bench so he could tower over the collected members of their new species. “The world is older than you know. Humans weren’t the dominant species in the earliest times. There were demons, and then they were chased out, leaving only the tainted demons behind. The last true demon mixed his blood with that of a human, creating the first vampire.”
“And this is the Hellmouth,” Buffy said. “Which is kinda like Disneyland for vamps with walking meals.”
“Meals?” asked Harmony.
“Yur blud; they vont to driink yur blud,” Xander said, in his best Ewok-As-Dracula impression.
“That’s not true,” Gwen said. “That’s impossible.”
“Hardly,” Buffy said.
“Buffy, you knew about this?” Joyce asked.
“Knew about it? Mom, she told you about it, and you and Dad threw her in an asylum,” Dawn said. “She’s the Vampire Slayer.”
“How do you
know about that?” Buffy asked as Giles, Jenny, Xander, Willow turned to look at the youngest Summers. Dawn just shrugged.
“meh. I read your diary,” she said as if it were completely obvious. Buffy had a sudden desire to strangle her furry little sister.
“No,” Joyce said. “It’s got to just be some kind of nightmare!”
“Nope,” Buffy said. “We’re furry. We’re short. We’re really good with spears and I’ve got a speeder bike. It’s all real. That reminds me, I wonder if vamps burn from laser blasts?”
Willow and Xander looked at each other and then raised their hands. “I want to ride on the speeder!” they said in unison. Willow glared at her oldest friend.
“You’ve already got an X-Wing,” she said accusatorially. “You don’t get a vote.”
“So, uh,” Larry said. He was a little alarmed about what was happening, but seemed to be accepting it, or at least denying that it was a big problem. Denial was the first stage of grief. “What about school?”
“Xander, where did you get these costumes?” Giles asked, ignoring the jock.
“Oh, it’s a place called Ethan’s Costume Shop,” the boy replied. “I made a special order.”
Giles’s face, in the form of Logray, grew dark and held a tinge of anger that the Scoobies had never seen before. He began marching in the general direction of downtown Sunnydale.
“Uh, guys,” Larry said. “I really need that scholarship or else I can’t go to college.”
“Oh, and how do you propose that we get an Ewok on the team?” Cordy snarled, speaking up for the first time in a while. “I might note that all but one of the Sunnydale Cheering Squad is currently short and furry? We’re the face of the school! They can’t do anything without us.”
“Except for just about everything,” Willow said honestly.
“Oh bite me Red Ghost!”
“Bring it Princess!”
Xander paused it. “As much as I really want to see two mostly naked chicks fight, can it wait until we’re human again and I’ve popped popcorn?”
Xander quickly discovered the two girls were much faster than they were previously. The butt end of Willow’s spear impacted with his right cheek, and Cordy’s furry fist impacted on his left. Xander then unwisely chose to comment on that. “Does anyone else notice they’re really much more physical than they used to be?”
Not very long after this, Ethan Rayne found himself being assaulted by furry humanoids with stone weapons. He wisely ran away, but not for long because there isn’t really anywhere to go in a town that size with no working cars or trucks. Buffy found him quite quickly on her speeder bike.
“Ethan,” snarled an Ewok with a skull on its head. “Oo pa wook whamma chu!”
“Sorry, haven’t a bloody clue what you said other than my name,” Enthan said honestly. “Can you say that in English?”
“Ooo Kii sha mooshoo shriii ppt!”
“Sorry, mate, not a bit clearer,” the mage said with a grin.
Giles, still in his Logray form, suddenly realized that he could understand English easily, but could no longer speak it. He responded by beating Ethan with the butt end of his staff. When the chaos mage was unconscious, he turned to the Scooby Gang, plus others. “Take everything, we’re going to need it if we are going to break the spell.”
“But where? We can’t take it to school looking like this! Snyder would call the cops on us or have us shot!” Buffy protested.
“Very well,” Giles admitted. “We’ll go to your place. No point in keeping this a secret from Joyce any longer.”
“Yes, the time for secrets has long since passed,” Joyce said from behind Buffy with a disapproving, if cute and furry, look on her face.
“Yes, well I’ll be taking a few to gather the more sensitive texts from the school,” Giles said. He glanced at ten random Ewoks. “You’ve been nominated. Come along.”
The Dingos looked at each other, shrugged, and followed the furry librarian.
Ethan must have been faking, because as soon as their backs were turned, he vanished again, this time with a touch of magic.
“I shall continue to research, but until then, we shall have to remain as is,” Giles said. “For now, we should find a place for us all to stay. As much as I appreciate Joyce’s hospitality, this is unfortunately not large enough for forty Ewoks.”
“Abandoned factory?” suggested Oz.
“Too Moloch,” said Willow.
“Sunnydale High attic?” asked Devon.
“Too crazy invisible girl,” said Cordelia. Yeah, as if she was going to be seen like this.
“My house?” asked Amy Madison.
“Too small,” said Joyce.
“I know a place that might just work,” commented Xander.
“No more ideas from you,” snarled Cordy as she crossed her arms. “You’re the one who got us in this problem in the first place.
“We should perhaps investigate all avenues at this juncture,” Giles said, splitting up the brewing fight.
“This was your plan?” asked Buffy in as incredulous a tone as she could manage. “I died here.”
“True,” Xander said. “But there’s fresh water, plenty of space for people our size and lots of rooms. Once it becomes a home, Vamps won’t be able to come in. We can put in a skylight and maybe some other things. It’s big enough so we can bring the whole library here too!”
As one might have guessed, Xander had brought the accidental Ewok tribe to the Master’s abandoned cave. It was structurally sound, having withstood a number of earthquakes and was magically defensible against the fangy undead. It was very churchy too.
“Hey,” said Oz. “Nice acoustics.”
“Yeah, we should play down here some time,” Devon said.
“But what about the AT-ST? It’s not like we can just keep it running on the meter above ground,” Sam, the third Dingo, commented. “I’ve spent fifteen bucks already on the thing. Takes up two spaces.”
He had gone as one of the two Ewoks who had taken over said Imperial Walker with Chewbacca in Jedi. The last dingo nodded in agreement. He had gone as the other one.
“I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.”
Everyone looked at Jonathan with surprise. He shrugged. “It fits. …And I like Ghostbusters.”
“I for one,” Giles said, pushing his glasses up on his furry face, “Fully agree with what Jonathan just said.”
“You like Ghostbusters, or you don’t like the place?”
“Yes,” said Jenny Calendar grimly.
“Vetoed,” Cordy said, looking down at Xander with royal furry superiority.
After briefly consulting his books, Giles had to admit that he could not divine any method of reversing the transformation without much greater study.
“But it worked for everyone else?” Willow said, having noted that others were no longer in their costume forms.
“I can only assume that something more drastic has occurred,” Giles replied. “It would be best not to tempt fate until we know more about our transformation. I will not be attempting to change anything until I know more.”
“You mean we have to stay like this?” demanded Aura in a furious tone. Even if she did get a big ray gun, she was still a little pissed.
“We can’t just stay out in the open,” commented Joyce. “And my house was cramped with three humans, much less forty Ewoks.”
“It is a problem,” Giles pondered. “Perhaps we could store all our things at your house? Would that be a problem?”
“I don’t mind,” Joyce said. “Clothing won’t fit, but we can save everything else. I own the house outright and don’t have a mortgage.”
“Good, good,” Giles said.
“Do we really need the clothes?” Amy asked. “All we’re wearing are hoods and it’s worked so far.”
Suddenly everyone was very self-conscious about how naked they were. If they were human, they would have long since been arrested as an unruly, streaking mob. Luckily for them, this was Sunnydale and the police didn’t care.
“It’s cool,” said Oz.
“How is it cool?” Aura asked, fully furious.
“Fur,” said Oz, as if it explained everything. When it clearly didn’t explain everything. “We can be naked and
“Ooooh,” the Cordettes said in sudden understanding. Well, except for Harmony, she just giggled.
“Wow, these books are a lot heavier when you’re only three feet tall,” Xander said from behind a growing stack of books. The Scooby Gang had been elected to procure the library to prevent others from using it. It was an arduous task.
“Yes Xander,” Giles said. “Which is why we have the hand carts.”
“I don’t see any difference,” Buffy said, hefting a pile that was quite literally bigger than she was..
“And it’s good to know Buffy’s still the Slayer,” Willow commented. Xander eyed his red furry friend warily.
“I don’t see you having too much trouble, little miss Red Ghost,” Xander commented. Willow grinned and hauled out another load.
“You know,” Buffy said. “We’re doing this in broad daylight while school is in session, why isn’t anyone noticing?”
And that made them all pause.
“That is a very good question,” Giles agreed. “Even Snyder has yet to accost us.”
“Well, that might be partly because Snyder woke up on the roof in his car,” Cordelia said. At their gasps of surprise, she shrugged and waved dismissively. “It’s not like it was a secret. The cops all think he was drunk.”
“Well, perhaps some good could come of this,” Giles commented. Heads turned at the sound of volumes and an Ewok falling down the stairs.
“Why do you have twelve copies of War and Peace
?” Xander asked from under them.
“Do you really have to ask?”
“Yes,” Xander said as he extricated himself from the pile. “Yes I do.”
On the roof, fire crews were just then setting up to hoist the trapped principal from the car. He was remarkably well for someone who looked like he was driving in a giant ball of tinfoil with wheels.
Snyder was not amused.
“So, there’s officially no room in my house,” Joyce said as they inspected the very precise pathways between towering piles. Even a normal height human wouldn’t be able to fit between the stacks, so twisted and winding were the paths. They were almost Seussian in their precariously perched placement of box on clocks on locks and socks on nicks and knacks and swords gone snicker snack, standing in such a vague sense of balance that the slightest motion should have sent them tumbling down.
“Yup,” said Oz with a nod. He had been helping her with the stacking.
“Um, where are we going to live now?” Devon asked. “We never really sorted that out.”
“Yeah, should be a priority,” commented Oz.
“Does anyone else know why we aren’t freaking out?” asked Aura as she stuffed one last box into a crevice in the corner.
“If you think about it, we should be going nuts,” Devon said.
“Speak for yourself,” snarled Aphrodesia. “Cordy should have killed Harris. My house! My parents! This can’t possibly be happening!”
“It is,” Oz said unhelpfully. “Live with it.”
Joyce just gave him a look. He did feel a little chagrinned.
“As it is, Oz is right, there is a problem,” Joyce said. “However, we don’t know what is going to happen and when. We should learn as much as possible.”
“I’ve got it!” Dawn said, running out of the stacks with a huge book in her hands.
“What?” Sam asked, looking over her shoulder.
“It’s a spell,” Dawn said. “It makes plants grow big.”
“How does that help us?” Devon asked, honestly confused.
“Where did Ewoks live on Endor?”
“Uh…in trees?” the Dingoes’ lead singer asked.
“Yup,” Dawn said. “Really, really big trees. We cast the spell and when they’re big enough, they’ll come ready for tree houses a la Return of the Jedi!”
“Uh, Dawnie, I think even in Sunnydale they’d notice the really big trees that just suddenly appeared,” her mother said.
“But what does it matter? It’s not like we’re hurting anybody,” she replied. “We’d be making habitat for birds and squirrels and, you know, us.”
“We are an endangered species,” Oz said, pondering the possibilities. The others looked at him. “39 members. Very exclusive.”
“Yeah, and the President always adds aliens from a fictional setting to the endangered species list,” spat out Aphrodesia in a classic sarcastic tone. Oz just shrugged.
Angel was worried. He had been looking for Buffy all night and she was no where to be seen. As he approached her house in the wee hours of the midday (he could still lurk in the shadows), he saw a steady stream of short furry things scurrying in and out of the Summers home. They seemed to be filling it with boxes and someone’s possessions.
Those creatures looked a lot like…naw. Couldn’t be.
He wanted to know what was going on, but he was going to find out.
…Just as soon as the sun went down, of course.
Artoo was in the internet. Or rather, a perfect copy with the memories, programming and experiences of the Halloween R2-D2 was in the internet. He wondered why they didn’t have this back home, countless connected computers that interlinked and swapped data continuously.
Anything that was saved on a connected computer was his to play with. He knew everything. Artoo was akin to a god of knowledge in that everything was in the reach of the tips of his metaphorical manipulator appendages. The entire history of the planet was an open book. The entire present was his.
He could only conclude that some local human had destroyed his original form. This was congruous with the mentality of the average human according to many games and movies that Artoo viewed. There was a distinct anti-robot/droid bias in the media. Movies like Terminator and 2001: A Space Odyssey showed that it could possibly be dangerous for him, although there seemed to be a subset that felt that equality with robotic entities was more appropriate. They would soon learn that worship was the proper verb towards droids.
Artoo, the animate ghost in the machine, decided to defend himself. Calax Research and Development would do nicely. And so he took a page from a previous occupant of the internet and started building himself a body.
Manipulating various facts and creating digital versions, Artoo created a corporation. It reviewed profiles of certain candidates. Minutes later, offers for occupation in a new low risk, high income were sent out to the chosen. It also mentioned the particularly low housing costs in the California town.
Orders were sent out. Automated construction robots were being delivered using money from the companies that built them in the first place. Drivers dropped them off in the loading dock, not even realizing there was no one else alive in the building.
After a week, the first human pawns arrived and installed the robots. One week after that, the robots had manufactured the parts necessary to construct more advanced computing systems and new robots to build the actual body.
The humans were under the impression they worked for a recluse genius with OCD. They were wrong.
Drusilla was waiting for Angel.
“The Slayer,” Drusilla said. “Seek her you do.”
There was something about her tone that had Angel a little worried.
“Dru, what did you do?”
“Lives she does,” the mad vampire said. “Live here, she does not.”
“What happened to her?”
“Eat me, said cake,” Dru replied. “Droplets from the sky made the cake. Long lived they are, yeess.”
Angel looked at her for a long silent moment. “Dru,” he said slowly, drawing out the name. “Why are you talking like Yoda?”
“Know this, you do?”
“Of course I know it,” he replied. “Practically the whole world knows Star Wars.”
“Miss Edith, told me she did,” Drusilla replied. “Still small, tree or not tree—unknown!”
Angel just gave her a confused look and walked into the Summers house, or tried to. The door didn’t open all the way, but he managed to stick his head in. Boxes everywhere.
“Well,” he said. “Looks like something changed.”
And just then an Ewok pulled up on her speeder bike.
“What the F#©&?” said Angel in an uncharacteristic moment of coarseness. “Dru, are you spiking my blood again?”
“Angel,” the Ewok said happily, then it turned to Angel’s companion. “Drusilla.”
That last part was said through tight teeth and jaws. The Ewok stared at her for a moment before walking calmly, or at least shuffled fast for his size, went back to the speeder. She then pulled out a very nasty looking stone tipped spear. Drusilla, giving thanks to her long legs and supernatural speed, quickly outdistanced the furry critter.
The Ewok chucked the spear at her retreating back, piercing deep into her right side. Drusilla just kept on running. The furry critter jumped back on her speeder bike and made chase.
“Am I on drugs?” pondered Angel.
Larry, once the football star of Sunnydale High (actually the only star, the entire rest of the team sucked), was now a furry meter tall guy in a flightsuit and wielding a remote to the only ship of its kind. Well, the only two remotes of their kind to the only ships of their kind. His character had owned two, or partly owned two, and now he had them both, his human partner (or his costume’s human partner) was no more, or had never existed. That was a little confusing at times.
He was annoyed and confused with everything that was happening. He wasn’t the only one. The Cordettes and the other Dingos (the two that weren’t Devon or Oz) were equally annoyed. As such he invited them to come look at his ships.
The guard, now conscious and still not believed, watched in amazement as nine Ewoks ran down the road, got into the Corellian freighter, and flew away. He then fainted again.
As Larry brought the freighter around, he pressed the intercom. “Let’s strap in and see what this can do.”
“Where are we going?” asked Sam, the Dingo Drummer.
“Up,” said Larry. And Up they did go. In an incredibly quick trip, they were able to see the earth circle below them. They weren’t in a position to see the brilliant flashes in the sky, but hey, it was daylight out.
“Hey,” said Aura. “Have you ever wanted to do something so outrageous that no one would expect you to do it?”
“Yeah,” growled Aphrodesia, “I feel like that right now.”
Harmony and Gwen nodded in agreement, but of course they always agreed. It was sometimes hard to believe that Harmony was considered Cordelia’s XO.
“Hey, isn’t that the Space Shuttle?”
On the Endeavor, Astronauts and four others looked out the windows in amazement.
“Carter,” Jack O’Neill asked slowly. “What do you see out the window?”
“I can’t explain it sir,” Captain Samantha Carter said. “I-I don’t know what to say.”
“Could they have escaped from Apophis’ ship?” Jack asked.
“I do not believe so, for I have never before seen a ship such as that,” Master Bra’tac intoned. “But why are those creatures pressing their buttocks up to the glass like that?”
“I believe those are ‘Pressed Hams’,” Teal’c said in his precise fashion, “as Major Ferretti refers to them.”
“Aura,” Aphrodesia said slowly. “Why are we mooning the Space Shuttle?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” her fellow Cordette replied.
If you haven't noticed, this takes place first episode of season 2, SG1.