Oh, you mean NOW?
Thanks be to GreyWizard once more.
“Oo-weeep-ko,” said the red haired ewok. “Wii to kamma soo pap ti!”
“Kah lapso wappa mook gnu,” said a familiar looking, gray haired one.
Daniel Jackson leaned over and listened intently to the conversation in an attempt to understand the meaning or catch some linguistic clue. Behind him, the leader of SG1 looked over his shoulder as he jotted down some new notes.
“So?” Jack asked.
Letting loose a sigh, Daniel Jackson shrugged and threw up his hands in confusion.
“I got nothing.”
“Whoa, trees,” Dawn said. It was basically the same thing that every intelligent thinking being had said upon seeing the new Sunnydale. Trees EVERY-where.
“Yeah,” said Xander. “Trees.”
“Okay, now build me a village,” Cordy commanded, shaking them out of their stupefaction.
“Not that easy, Princess,” Xander said with a ewokish smirk. “These things take time.”
“Then get started!” she commanded once more, as if that was enough to prompt things into action.
Then a crab apple the size of a very large pumpkin landed next to them.
“Whoa,” said Oz.
“Well, at least we've got food,” Devon said. “Uh, do you think that happened to all the trees around here?”
“Uh, maybe?” suggested Amy. “I don't think the authors of the spell had fruit trees in mind when they wrote it.”
“Isn't this entire graveyard decorated by fruit trees?” Aphrodesia asked worriedly. “You know, so the blossoms smell nice in the spring?”
Thirty-nine pairs of Ewok eyes widened in horror as they all made a break for it. Luckily for Harmony, one of them was willing to drag her along since she didn't have the brains to realize the danger. Luckily, it would be safer closer to the center of town where the vegetation was much sparser. Just as they made it to the street, a wind picked up and giant fruit thundered to the ground much like mortar strikes. Jenny Calendar was just barely able to avoid being crushed by an orange the size of a small Volkswagen.
“Something tells me that this might not have been the best idea,” Joyce said, as she and Oz ran off, hand in hand.
“Still not the worst,” Oz said.
“Oh, right, becoming Ewoks in the first place,” Joyce clarified. Oz disagreed.
“Nope,” Oz said. He pointed to where Buffy's speeder was buried under giant pine cones. “Parking next to the cemetery.”
“Okay, so we've got a town that suddenly became a look-alike of the forest moon of Endor,” Jack said. “I'm guessing we found our Ewoks.”
“Jack,” Daniel said in an exasperated tone that was quite familiar to SG1. “Simply because something strange happened, it doesn't mean Ewoks are to blame. There are countless possibilities for why something like this could happen.”
“Regardless, I'm sending SG1 to investigate,” General Hammond said. “If it is an alien event we need someone on the ground to investigate.”
“I'm betting they're the Furlings,” Jack said.
“Just because their name transliterates as something that sounds like it has 'fur' in the name, doesn't mean they're furry,” Daniel said, not for the first time. “It's a different language. For all we know, the Furlings could have been intelligent squid or shrimp.”
“I'm betting they're the Furlings,” Jack said again.
Daniel let loose a growl of frustration as Teal'c looked on amused and Carter glanced through the photos of the ship.
“Sir, the ship does look like the Falcon,” Sam said. “Well, if you mounted the cockpit on the top instead of the side. It might be a case of aliens latching onto something they saw sent into space on radio waves or something. It's been long enough for the signal to hit our nearest stars. While we doubt that they are actually inhabited, it's possible that the transmissions were picked up.”
“That's assuming they're aliens at all,” Daniel said. “For all we know, they might have just found some alien tech on earth and dressed up as Ewoks for Halloween.”
“It was only just after the celebration known as Halloween that they were first spotted, GeneralHammond,” Teal'c put in. “It could be, as you say, a prank.”
“But why go out of their way to be so obvious? Why moon the space-shuttle?” Sam asked. “And they're all really short. Where would they find tech on earth that was the right size?”
“Teenagers got bored and went for a joyride and booster seats?” Jack suggested. Daniel Jackson opened his mouth to protest, but the general was quick to intercede.
“I'm still sending you to Sunnydale to investigate,” General Hammond said. “Even if it is a prank, they've still got alien technology and might be convinced to share.”
From where he watched via the digital recorders throughout the military base, Artoo, the God in the Machine, was amused. However, it would be important to start investigating other instances of advanced technology abandoned by these... goa'uld. An instant later, four shell companies funded new expeditions into Egypt on the excuse that the teams were required to “test” the “new” technology being lent to them. The archaeologists were thrilled.
However, not everything was wonderful for Artoo. His original base of operations was heavily damaged by whatever the Ewoks had done. While it was nothing tragic (all operations were quickly diverted to secondary production facilities and everything was backed up multiple times), Artoo still regretted taking up bonsai.
“My baby,” Buffy moaned as she buffed the scratches from her speeder. “My poor, poor baby.”
“How's it coming?” Willow asked from behind her.
okay to run, but she got beat up pretty bad,” Buffy said in a tone most often heard from parents whose first child tripped and fell for the first time. “She'll be okay with some love and care.”
Willow experimentally prodded the rear stabilizer with the butt of her spear. “Seems okay to me.”
Buffy's eyes widened and she batted the offending weapon away from her baby. “Don't do that!”
“Wow, even Jesse wasn't that protective over his things, and he had an Avengers #4,” Willow said.
“What does that mean?”
“I'm not too sure, but it's geeky and Jesse used to brag about it,” Willow said.
“No offense intended, Wills, but aren't you kinda a geek, too?” Buffy asked.
Willow shook her head.
“Wrong kind of geek,” the red-furred Ewok confirmed. “Sooo...are we able to take a ride?”
Buffy gave her friend a suspicious look.
“That's what you really came over here to ask, isn't it?”
Willow smiled innocently. pfft!
“Fine,” Buffy accommodated.
“WHOOOO-HOOOOOO!” Willow screamed as the speeder zipped passed SG1.
Jack turned to Daniel who looked flabbergasted.
“Still think this is a prank?”
“Those were definitely Ewoks,” Daniel said, his opinions still firmly planted in a river in Egypt. “EWOKS,
Jack! It's a prank! They're fictional aliens!”
“Unbeliever!” Jack cried. “Shun the unbeliever! Shhhhhhhuuuun!”
Daniel rolled his eyes until he noticed Teal'c putting some space between them and him. “Teal'c, what are you doing?”
“Shunning the unbeliever,” Teal'c said with a slight smile.
“Let's buzz Snyder!” Willow suggested in Buffy's ear.
“You've really become an adrenalin junky, haven't you?” Buffy criticized.
“I blame the costume and Xander, but it does feel good to be able to swing from trees and leap off big obstacles and stuff,” Willow admitted. “It's a little like being part Slayer.”
“I don't know if that's possible,” Buffy said. “But still, it's kinda useful. Still, dead things and stuff.”
“And with the new canopy, they can do stuff during the day,” Willow pointed out.
“True, but it's still funny that they haven't even attacked us once since, well, you know,” Buffy continued.
“That's probably because they're fighting a guerrilla war against the droids,” Willow pointed out.
Willow pointed to a spot in the shade of an old cherry tree (which now bore cherries the size of apples) where Spike and his minions were fighting off a small company of droids. All were armed with blasters.
“No one tries to take my bloody DeSoto!” Spike called out before firing off a few quick rounds with the Solo-esque blaster. The subsequent red beam blasted an errant droid to pieces. “Once more, onto the bridge!”
“Isn't that supposed to be 'Once more unto the breach'?” Willow asked.
“I dunno,” Buffy said with a shrug. “It's a little old for my pop-culture-Fu.”
At the command of General Spike, a volley of blaster fire worthy of any space opera opened up, seeming like some bizarre parody of the Western Front with heavy losses on both sides. From above, the two Scooby girls looked on in confusion.
“When did the Vamps start a war with the droids?” Buffy asked.
“No, I think the appropriate question is when did we have droids in Sunnydale except for Halloween and my ex-online-boyfriend,” Willow corrected.
“Right, that too,” Buffy said. “Is it bad that I just want some popcorn and a big fizzy drink?”
“Nope,” Willow said. Then a thought occurred to her. “Hey, whatever happened to Angel?”
Angel was brooding. That in and of itself was nothing unusual; what was
unusual was his total lack of understanding on the subject of his brooding. On Halloween, Buffy and her friends had vanished. Hell, half the usual Bronze crowd had vanished. Not that he was complaining about that, mind you. It helped that he didn't have to deal with Cordy constantly hitting on him.
But Buffy was missing. What was worse, the average human didn't even seem to register that something strange had happened. You'd think they'd notice the destruction of their own town via tree growth, but no, they had to be the most oblivious population in the universe.
Hell, even the vampires had stopped expanding, although the raids on the “suck wagon” at the Sunnydale General Blood Bank had skyrocketed. He only knew this because he lurked. Of course, the rest of the world would probably call his behavior stalking.
Right after Halloween, he'd gone to Buffy's house, only to find it abandoned. Days later, it was filled with stuff, filled with the express meaning that unless you were three feet tall, you wouldn't be able to fit easily in the pathways.
Then the trees came. Willy's was in an uproar over that. The fish demons were especially upset. Ends up the spell that made everything grow extended into the ocean and made the seaweed grow to fantastic proportions. Whales were able to hide in the stuff, now. And then, when they got up onto land, they found their usual hunting grounds cut off by giant thorny hedgerows. Nope, the water demons were not pleased, at all.
However, the most disturbing rumor he heard was that robots had taken over the warehouse district. Of all the things that had been happening, that was the most disturbing and insane thing he'd heard of in a long time. Robots? Really? That was about as insane as the vamps who claimed the cars were attacked by Ewoks on Halloween. He still put off his memories of the night as a Drusilla prompted, drug induced hallucination. It was better for his sanity to blame it all on drugs.
“Sir,” Carter prompted over the radio, “We've found the ships.”
“You have? Wait, ships plural?” Jack asked.
“Yes, sir, three of them,” she said into her com. “I'm looking at them right now.”
“Where are you?”
“The airport,” she said.
“They parked their spaceships in the airport?” Daniel asked in his usual incredulous tone.
“Hey, they're polite aliens,” Jack defended.
“Hey! This is private property,” a woman said, walking straight up to Sam and Teal'c.
“Sorry, sir, got to go,” Sam said as she shut off the com. “Sorry, we're not trying to cause any trouble.”
The woman was tall, with straight black hair and seemed to move almost too smoothly. “Well, I'm sorry, but this is a private facility. You'll have to leave.”
“Oh, sorry, just, could we get your name?” Sam asked.
“April Mears,” she said. “Now, please leave. My sister is being worked on and I can't have you disturbing Warren.”
“Uh, oh, okay?” Sam said confused as she and Teal'c were quickly and firmly guided to the exit. “Just one quick question. The space ships?”
“What space ships?” April asked.
“Uh, those three,” Sam said, pointing back towards the airport.
“Huh,” April said simply. “They've been there as long as we've been here.”
“Oh,” said Sam as she was more than a little confused.
“I never thought I would have the opportunity to observe an X-Wing and a Corellian Freighter so closely,” Teal'c said. “Perhaps we could inquire with Warren for permission to inspect them up close?”
“Oh, fine,” she huffed. “But no funny business.”
Sam noticed the girl's hand go to her back, fearing a firearm, Sam felt her own hand slip towards her hidden side arm. What she saw the girl pull out was a sharpened steel ring.
“Is that a chakram?” Sam asked.
“Of course it is, what else could it be?”
“Who are you supposed to be? Xena?”
“Only a little,” April said, “although it was only supposed to be for Halloween. Some things stuck.”
“That makes no sense,” Sam said.
“Whatever, Warren's in here,” April said, opening the door to the closest hanger. Inside was not the office Sam Carter expected. Instead was a lab and construction area that looked more like something out of a sci-fi series. A man, presumably Warren, was bent over the body of a woman with what looked like a soldering gun. Fearing it was a trap, Sam pulled out her side arm and saw Teal'c pull his zat.
“Stop!” Sam called out, forgetting about the svelte beauty beside her.
Warren looked up in confusion. “What?”
“I SAID NO FUNNY BUSINESS WHILE WARREN'S BUILDING MY SISTER!”
April the Digital Warrior Princess knocked Sam over with a punch to the jaw while she threw the chakram, disarming the Air Force officer as it bounced and continued towards Teal'c, knocking the Zat from his grasp. She then spun and hit the large Jaffa across the jaw with two quick spinning kicks, sending him flying.
Teal'c had rarely found such an equal in fighting prowess and quickly picked himself up off the ground, only to find a sword at his neck and his zat pointed at Sam. He froze.
“You fight well,” he said, not moving more than necessary. He was quite aware of the keen edge of the blade at his neck. It looked sharp enough to cut with little pressure and he was not keen to test it with his jugular.
“You have potential,” April replied. She turned towards Sam. “What did you think you were doing?”
“He was torturing that girl!” Sam said.
“No I wasn't!” Warren protested as he turned around. The girl on the table sat up, revealing a large panel on her midsection with blinking lights, cooling systems and other machinery.
“Warren, my legs are still not complete,” the blonde girl stated flatly. “You will finish my construction immediately.”
“Construction?” Sam asked. She turned back towards April. “Wait, you're a robot?”
“Of course I am,” she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“You look like a human,” Sam protested.
“Of course I do. Warren didn't build me to look like anything else,” April explained.
“You built her?” Sam asked Warren. The boy had the good nature to blush.
“Uh, yeah,” he said.
“I-I was lonely,” he said with a shrug.
“Did you build the Ewoks?” Sam asked. “Are they robots too?”
“Uh, no, although they did attack me on Halloween,” Warren explained. “I was wearing a stormtrooper costume."
“So they're not robots?”
“No, they're flesh and blood,” Warren said. “Warm blooded, anyways, and really scary.”
“But you built April and her,” Sam said, pointing to the girl on the table.
“Warren, it is irritating not being able to walk,” the blonde girl stated. “You will finish my construction immediately.”
“Uh, sorry ma'am,” Warren said. “But I really need to finish this.”
“Are you a robot?”
“Oh no,” Warren said.
“CaptainCarter, Warren, perhaps we could discuss this without a blade at my throat?” Teal'c put in.
“What? Oh, right,” Warren said. “April, let the big guy up. And can I get something to drink?”
“No,” the table girl said. “When you last drank while you worked, you spilled Coke on my arm servos; you will not be permitted to drink in my presence.”
“I'm human! I need sleep, food and drink!”
“You will finish my construction immediately,” the robot girl commanded once more.
“Could you use another pair of hands?” Sam asked.
“Know anything about robotics?”
“A little, I'm better with computers and astrophysics,” Sam admitted, standing up and walking to the table.
“Could you look at her programming a little? She's a bit flat on her emotional range except for annoyance and possessiveness,” Warren stated. “Anything for a bathroom break.”
“How long have you been in here?”
“The last fourteen days, I wasn't even allowed to leave during the earthquake a few days ago,” Warren said. “I don't even know what time it is.”
“It's about 9 AM,” Sam said as she glanced at the teen's laptop. “You wrote this?”
“Well, a lot seemed to write itself, but I can't seem to get Gabby's up to April's quality,” Warren said.
“And where were you born?” Sam asked bluntly.
“Here in Sunnydale, lived here all my life, why?” Warren said. “April, you don't have to keep a sword to his neck, that's rude.”
“Fine! Just get back to work,” the eldest robot-girlfriend commanded as she pulled the blade away. Teal'c released the breath he had been holding and tenderly touched the raw slice on his throat where the blade had trimmed the outer layers a bit too much. Luckily there was no blood.
“Oh, just wondering,” Sam said. She turned to the second monitor and glanced at the code. “April, you've got an impressive set of free will protocols.”
“That's what Warren said.”
“So, let's repeat the situation,” Xander said.
“No, that will take too long, you should just sum up,” Amy replied.
Xander shrugged and continued. “One month ago, we turned into Ewoks.”
Amy nodded. “And then we didn't turn back.”
“And now Cordy and Giles are constantly sneaking off to 'inspect
' things,” Xander said.
“And Oz and Joyce have been spending an extraordinary amount of time together,” Amy continued. “Alone, behind locked doors.”
“Larry and Devon seem to have something going on,” Aphrodesia put in as she wagged her eyebrows suggestively.
“And Harm seems to be sleeping with every Ewok she can get her paws on who will let her,” said Aura, “but that's nothing strange, although I do suspect she's got some woklings on the way.”
“She does? Harm's pregnant?” Amy said with horror. “We can't let her harm the gene pool! Pun not intended!”
“There was always a chance,” Aphrodesia put in. “She'll just have furry children this time.”
“Anyways, everybody seems to be shacking up with somebody,” Gwen put in. “And it's all weird. I mean, Giles is hot
, but he's old
“Wait, you thought Giles was hot?” Xander asked in a scandalized tone.
“Of course I did, I have eyes,” Gwen said as she rolled the organs in question.
“Giles is hot? How is that possible?” Xander asked, glanced around at the girls in the room for an explanation.
“Xander, don't think about it, and if it's any consolation, you're hot, too, but you've even got that fighter jock thing going on,” Amy said, resting a hand on his arm. Xander didn't hear that part because he was still stuck on Giles being hot, so instead of being appreciative of her statement, he stared off into space. “Now, the question is, how are we going to build this tree village if half the pop's off getting knocked up?”
“Independent contractors, of course,” Xander said. “What? I've watched Clerks
. They'll know what they're getting into. And besides, after what we did to the town, they could use the work.”
“So, we're going to get humans to build an Ewok tree village, in a town for humans after it was all blown apart by trees that were enlarged by Ewoks?” Aphrodesia asked.
“Exactly,” Xander said. “And we can pay them with the gold we found in the Master's caves.”
“Wow, you do have a brain that works,” Amy said.
“Hey! I resemble that comment!”
“But if Giles and Cordy are off doing it, who's gonna keep this going?” Aura asked. “I mean, they're pretty much the only leaders except for... oh, of course, Buffy's mom. She's the real power behind the throne.”
“And she's not going to let us escape, especially since she seems to see us all as her children now,” Amy said. “Joyce is pretty awesome.”
“I can't wait to see Cordy's face when she finds out she was supplanted by Mrs. Summers,” Aphrodesia said, popping another candy into her mouth. For some reason, candy tasted better as an Ewok. Before, chocolate was “yum” good, now it was “wow-oh-my-god-how-can-this-be-so-good” good.
“You'd better all brush your teeth before bed tonight,” Joyce's voice warned.
“Yes, Mrs. Summers!” they all chorused.
Across town, Jack and Daniel were trying to figure out how to make contact with the speeding Ewoks.
“Jack, putting out an APB in this town isn't going to work,” Daniel said. “They're riding around on a speeder bike, they're three feet tall and nobody's done anything. They just leapfrogged two police cruisers and all the cops did was pretend it didn't happen.”
“We could bring an entire platoon to put it into martial law until it gets sorted out,” Jack suggested.
“Jack, you're over thinking this,” Daniel complained.
“What do you mean?”
“Not everything has a military explanation or solution,” Daniel corrected.
“So, what would you do?” Jack challenged. Daniel shrugged, stepped up to the side of the road as he heard the distinct sound of the speeder approaching and stuck out his thumb.
“Ooo! Older human hotties, four o'clock,” Buffy said.
“Buffy, you can't just pick up older men!” Willow chided from behind her.
“But -- hotties!” the Slay-wok protested. “And besides we're Ewoks, so nothing's gonna happen. Still, eye-candy.”
“What is it with you and extra species relationships?” Willow asked.
“Well, we used to be the same species?” Buffy suggested hesitantly as she slowed down and pulled over for the two older human hotties.
“Is that how you excused Angel's situation?” Willow asked as the two men approached.
“I guess?” Buffy asked/replied. She perked up as she waved to the two human hotties. They waved back. She leaned back to Willow and grinned. “They waved back!”
“I saw,” Willow said with a roll of her eyes.
“Hi, there,” salt-and-pepper older human hottie said. “I'm Jack and this is Daniel, we'd like to ask you a few questions.”
“Okay,” Buffy said. “Ask away.”
“Buffy, I don't think they can understand you and what if they're dangerous or Ewok eating vamps, they could be Ewok eating vamps and they want to attack us and they're really bad people and they want to just mug us and steal your speeder, because that's something that would be really bad, and there are bad people and just like lots of movies, there are pretty bad guys, I mean before Angel got his soul back, he was a pretty bad guy, and in the both 'pretty bad' as in 'really bad' and in the 'he is pretty and is a bad guy' sense, but you know these might just be perverts who just want to use us,” Willow said without taking a breath.
“Wow, you've really mastered that circular breathing thing, haven't you?” Buffy asked. She glanced at the two older human hotties who looked completely confused.
“Uh, Jack,” Daniel said.
“That made absolutely no sense.”
“Yup,” Daniel Jackson said. “It sounds similar to some languages in the Steppes of eastern Asia, but, well, it doesn't make any sense.”
“Yeah, but on Abydos, you didn't understand them at first,” Jack pointed out.
“And I understood them later on only because I discovered the linguistic drift when I had a frame of reference,” Daniel pointed out. “I already spoke a very closely related language.”
“So learn a closely related language and make the leap,” Jack suggested.
“But Jack, they're aliens,” Daniel said.
“AHA! So you admit it!” sigh
. “Yes, Jack, I'll admit that they are aliens,” Daniel Jackson agreed in an exasperated tone.
“So talk to them more!” Jack said.
“Oo-weeep-ko,” said the red haired Ewok. “Wii to kamma soo pap ti!”
“Kah lapso wappa mook gnu,” said a familiar looking, gray haired one.
Daniel Jackson leaned over and listened intently to the conversation in an attempt to understand the meaning or catch some linguistic clue. Behind him, the leader of SG1 looked over his shoulder as the linguist jotted down some new notes.
“So?” Jack asked.
Letting loose a sigh, Daniel Jackson shrugged and threw up his hands in confusion.
“I got nothing.”
And that brings us up to the present.
“Hello, Vampire,” said an accented voice from behind Angel. He turned around to see a pretty girl with dusky skin bearing a stake. She did not look pleased to see him.
“Aw, crap,” he said as he started to run. Luckily for him, he wasn't trapped, but still, he had his suspicions that this girl might be Buffy's Slayer successor. He didn't really want to think about it, but hey, these things happen, and what else was he supposed to think when he hadn't seen her in weeks?
Angel had one other benefit: he knew the area better than the new Slayer.
From between the trunks of two former dwarf hydrangeas (it now had blooms about 10 feet across), Larry and Devon watched the chase like it was the Indy 500.
“Now, that's something you don't see every day,” Larry said.
“Doesn't that guy with the hair gel look familiar?” Devon said.
“And that forehead is pretty distinctive. Yeah, I think I've seen him lurking around the Bronze,” Larry agreed.
“Right! That's where I've seen him!” Devon said with a snap of his fingers. “Wasn't he always hanging around with Buffy and Cordy? And what's her face, the red violent Ewok chick..”
“Yeah, that's it,” Devon said.
“Now that you mention it, yeah, I've seen him around some other high school girls, too. Kinda used to lurk over the guys they'd hang with,” Larry said with a nod. “Wait, you think Willow's violent? She's a nerd!”
“Nerd with a big scary spear,” Devon pointed out.
“Buffy's the toughie,” Larry said. “Hell, even Xander's got some muscle, but Willow?”
“Whatever,” muttered Devon dismissively.
Larry pointed with his Coke bottle at a pretty Jamaican girl snarling epithets at Hair-gel. “Looks like a certain someone isn't too happy with him.”
“Why would she? He's a pedo,” Devon said with a shrug. “She's new, though. I'd remember her if I'd seen her before.”
“Yeah,” Larry said as he leaned back against the trunk of the former shrub and took a swig.
Devon nodded towards where the Jamaican girl was charging off after the fleeing man. “Doesn't this chase scene remind you of something?”
“Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote?”
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Devon nodded, “minus the ACME gear, of course.”
“Got any more of that popcorn?”
Silently, the duo watched the chase as it weaved through alleys, ran over cars and through buildings. All the while, their shared popcorn bag steadily dwindled.
“Maybe someone should order her an anvil, or something,” Devon said.
“Remind me to buy stock in ACME.”
“Don't think that's a real company,” Devon said, taking a sip of Coke.
“Is she trying to stab him with a piece of wood?” Larry asked.
Devon squinted to get a better look.
“Yup,” he said. “Definitely a piece of wood. You'd think a knife would be better.”
“You think we should tell Buffy and Cordy that their friend is being attacked?” Larry asked.
“Might be a good idea,” Devon said.
Larry raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, you mean, now