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Summary: My friend wanted me to write a Star Wars cross. Her Requirements: no Jedi, no standard relationships and no Xander the Hutt. Xander gets some people to dress up as a memorial to Jesse. SG1 eventually.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Wars > Multiple Pairings
Stargate > General > Team: SG-1 Seasons(s) 1-5
DireSquirrelFR15625,2471916228,96513 May 1016 Aug 11No

Hotties, American Idioms and Androids

Thanks GreyWizard!

“Wow, you built these two, really?” Sam asked as she looked over both the robots and the programming displayed on his laptop. The programming was, well, amazing. The boy was a genius, and she had to admit, it was a little strange for an alien to be working in DOS, so she was inclined to believe he was just a genius Earth human. She hadn't been this impressed with Earth Tech since she started investigating the universe with the SGC.

“Yeah, from scratch. April was built in my parents' basement,” Warren said as he connected the wires in Gabby's hips. April had insisted her sidekick-sister be just as “fully functional” as April was and had even suggested some improvements. April mixed with Xena was a *scary* girl. “I, uh, well-”

“You originally built a sex-bot,” Carter finished for him. Warren had the good grace to blush a bright red.

“Yeah, yeah I did,” he admitted. “But, well, she...”


“She wasn't real, and, well, I didn't really know what to do with her,” Warren said.

“You wanted a real girl and she was more of Pinocchio, pre-wish,” Carter finished as she continued reading the code.

“Right, that's exactly right,” Warren said. “And then with the new, updated code, she well, she's more like a bossy older sister than a girlfriend. And...well, I guess I'm okay with that.”

“ A bossy older sister who keeps you locked up in a lab building her sister-girlfriend-sidekick? That sounded less creepy in my head.”

“Right,” Warren agreed. “Where'd they go, anyway?”

“I suspect that Teal'c is fighting her,” Carter said. “Don't worry, he'll be fine. He was raised to be a warrior.”

“Well, I'm more worried about the strain on her body,” Warren said. “She's superstrong, but she's not really built for battle, body wise. Although she downloads martial arts movies and info like you or I breathe.”

“What does this line of code mean? I don't recognize it?” Sam asked, pointing to the monitor. Warren closed Gabby's hip panel and leaned over the Air Force officer's shoulder.

“Oh, that regulates the simulated breathing. It lets her breathe heavier when she's exerting more effort,” Warren said.

“Why would you have that?”

“Um, well, you know how when people get excited they, well, breathe harder?” Sam nodded. “Well, April didn't...and...well...”

“Since you originally made a sex-bot, you didn't get the full experience,” Carter finished for him.

“Wow, you really seem to understand me,” Warren said. “I'm sorry, it's just, well, I've never met a girl, or, well, a woman who was into this kind of thing. And, well, I thought that if they knew...”

“You'd be surprised,” Sam said as she leaned up. “Not everyone is so prejudiced about technology and sex. And well, you learned your lesson, -- you realized you didn't want a love slave. She changed and you're at least sort of happy about it.”

“Yeah,” Warren said. “I guess I am.”

“I have to respect you that you're mature enough to know you want something more,” Sam said. “And you didn't just keep her as a sex-bot. I mean, those free will protocols are nothing less than amazing. You really made her into her own woman, so to speak.”

“Thanks, I guess, and I really do want something more.”

And that was when they realized how close to each other they were. They could feel each other's body heat and their breath on each other's skin. Their eyes locked for a long moment, and they started leaning in closer. Sam's hand moved up to rest on Warren's bicep and licked her lips unconsciously. The act made Warren shiver with anticipation.

“Hey!” Gabby broke in. “I still can't move my right pinkie toe!”

The two snapped up their heads and moved apart, as the suddenly realized they weren't alone.

“You will-”

“-finish your construction immediately,” both humans finished for her.

“So, are you ewoks?” Jack asked.

“Ewok, puu wah-shoo- weep wi po,” replied the grayish ewok.

“Jack, you aren't helping,” Daniel said. He glanced to the red-haired one. “Can you understand me? If you do, raise your right hand, please?”

Willow gave an ewok shrug, an act that looked like a cock of the head, and raised her right arm. Then she said something to the other one, but Daniel still didn't understand them.

“Why are they doing this?” Willow asked. “And why are we still here? Your mom's going to be worried if we're gone too long.”

“But, hotties!”


“Jack, I think that's a name,” Daniel said, leaning back slightly to glance at his friend/boss/co-worker. Jack's eyebrows went up as if to say “who what now?”

Daniel sighed once more and pointed to Buffy. “The gray one, I think he is named 'Buh-Feh'.”

“Ha! Buffy, he thinks you're a guy!” Willow chortled.

“I think you got changed by your costume a little more than you admit,” Buffy grumbled.

“Really? How do you figure that?” Jack asked Daniel. “How could you pick a name out of all that?”

“Because he used the same tone I do when you do something foolish,” Daniel said.

“I resent that!” Jack said. “I'm never foolish.”

“Jello-fest '97?”

“That was to boost base morale, and it worked,” argued Jack. “So, any chance we could meet some more Ewoks?”

“He wants to meet more ewoks,” Buffy said with a smile.

“They think we're male,” Willow said. “That kinda annoys me. It was funny when it was just you, cuz, well, you're really not male, not ever, even when we're all furry and stuff. Granted we don't have the same gender markers as before, 'cuz, non-inflated mammaries now since I'm not pregnant, but still, I'm a girl. Ewok-girl, but still a girl and I don't want people to think I'm a boy, cuz, girl here.”

“I'll call Mom and tell her we're talking to hotties who want to meet more ewoks,” Buffy said.

“I'm not so sure that's a good idea,” Willow argued as she kept her eyes on the two and gripped her spear.

“It'll be fine,” Buffy said, as usual, throwing caution to the wind when there were hot guys around.

“What if they're like from some kind of government project and they want to experiment on us and turn us into things and cut us open like those frogs in biology class, which was really gross, but kinda still had to do it because I really needed that grade-”

“Relax, Willow, they're hotties, they wouldn't do something like that to cute little us,” Buffy dismissed. Willow turned her 'Resolve Face: revised: Glare of Doom' at the older of the two men.

“Jack, I think whatever you said threatened them,” Daniel said as he held up his hands as if to ward off violence. “Why don't you sit down, make yourself less threatening and relax.”

“What, like when dealing with a dog?”

“We're not talking about dogs, we're talking about thinking beings, Jack,” Daniel said. “Hmm...I think Haht'Tehs is their word for human. Maybe that's a start. If I could only figure out where the verb belongs. Hell, for all I know, they might not even have remotely the same kind of linguistic patterns as we do.”

Soon enough, five more ewoks arrived. These were Jonathan, Xander, Amy, Gwen and Aura. Aphrodesia was involved with the others who were gathering food.

“Hey guys!” Buffy said. “Look, older human hotties!”

“She's been talking about that for a while. I think she hit her head,” Willow explained.

“Well, if I was still human, I'd drag the younger one off,” Aura said. The others looked at her askance. “Please! He's got that 'Indiana Jones in professor mode' thing going on. It's the same with Giles. Although the older one has that: 'I'm well aged and well experienced, so you'll have a good time,' thing.”

“You really have a thing for older men, don't you?” asked Amy.

“And you've got a thing for twinkie eating ewoks with bad fashion, so what?” retorted the Cordette. Amy's squinting glare promised revenge.

“Wait, who?” Xander asked in the midst of stuffing a twinkie in his mouth.

All girls present snapped into faux innocence and chirped: “Nothing.”

“Oh, okay,” Xander said as he scratched his ear through his hood made from an abandoned Hawaiian shirt. He turned to Willow. “So, Wills, what's the problem?”

“Buffy's been talking to strange humans again and they keep asking us questions and are trying to understand what we're saying,” Willow summed up.

“I can sense no maliciousness in their intent,” Jonathan said with a brush of the Force. “Although the older one has the air of a soldier about him. He wants to know about the speeder and wants one of his own.”

“They what? Don't let them near, they'll take my baby!” Buffy said, suddenly suspicious of the two men. She moved over to hug the speeder as if to protect it from their gaze. “Don't worry, baby; I'll protect you.”

And with that, she hopped aboard and flew off.

“Where's she going?” Aura asked.

“Probably to go hunt fang-rats in Bronzer's canyon,” Jonathan said. The others looked at him like he was crazy. “What? Vampires over by the Bronze. She shoots them with the speeder's blasters while weaving among the buildings like Luke in 'A New Hope.'”

“Fang-rats?” Aura asked. “You're calling vampires, fang-rats?”

“It kinda fits in this town,” Jonathan said with a shrug. The others let their expressions explain their disapproval.

Daniel Jackson let out a growl of frustration and leaned back.

“Okay, I got nothing out of that,” he said.

“Maybe there's a local who can translate?” Jack suggested. Daniel looked as if his friend had struck him. “Just because you're a great translator, doesn't mean you're the only one.”


“And you did just give up,” Jack pointed out. “Let's take a break and go see those space ships that Sam was talking about.”

“Once a flyboy, always a flyboy,” Daniel muttered to himself.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Hey, Cordy,” Devon said as he and Larry approached the ewok princess. She was “overseeing” the construction of the village which consisted of trying to make the humans (who, in true Sunnydale style, refused to admit that these were anything but very cute baby bears who escaped from the Sunnydale Zoo when the trees exploded into growth) understand that they needed a village built. It was not going well.

“What?” she demanded, hands on hips with an angry look.

“That guy you and Buffy used to hang with, the older one? Well, he's been chased by this chick and she's trying to stab him,” Larry explained.

“Old guy? Like Giles old, or like Strom Thurman old?”

“No, like post college kinda old,” Devon said. “Gelled hair, black trench coat, blood red silk shirts. That guy.”

“Ooooh, you mean Angel,” Cordy said. “He's like George Washington old.”

“Looked like he's in his 30s,” Larry put in.

“No, he's, like, older than the US kinda old,” Dawn said, butting into the conversation. She ignored the gawking looks of the two boys. “What about Angel? Is he ewok-ified?”

“No, he's being attacked by a hot chick,” Devon said.

“You'd say she's hot?” Larry asked.

“Yes, I would,” Devon said, missing Larry's disappointed look that quickly vanished.

“Whatever. Angel can probably take care of himself,” Dawn said indifferently. “I'm mean, it's not like he's being chased by a Slayer, cuz, I mean, Buffy's still of the living.”

“True,” Cordy said. “Maybe an angry vamp lover?”

“There was that one that Buffy said he was friendly with before Halloween,” Dawn pointed out. “Long dark hair, pretty, kinda nuts?”

“This wasn't so much friendly as murderous, but otherwise, yeah,” Larry said with Devon nodding in agreement.

“Huh,” they said in unison.

Dawn shrugged. “Guess I'll go call Buffy.”

Buffy was trying to save her baby from the evil hotties. They couldn't take her baby. Her baby loved her. Her baby was... precious to her. No, she couldn't let anyone take her baby.

Buffy flew her baby over houses, through the zoo, zapping three attacking vamps in the urban canyon that housed the Bronze and continued on to the Airport. Hopefully, she'd be able to save her baby by hiding it in something else. Something else, like the cargo bay of a smuggler's freighter. She was one of the three who were allowed to have constant access to the ships and she couldn't think of a better place for her baby. Zipping towards the airport by weaving a complex pattern through the trees, she got there and effectively eliminated any possible tails she could have had. This was, of course, ignoring that she had the only speeder in the world.

She opened the ramp and drove her speeder right in, maneuvering it around so it could fit right in the double sliding doors to the hanger. The Hanger kept two of the ships, both X-Wings, out of the rain. Even though Luke's ship had been spaceworthy after its little dunk in the muck, in reality, they should be kept in better condition. What was new were the four additional droids in the corner with something that looked like an obese skin demon, a shark demon and three cat girls.

The shark demon glanced around the table, stared at his companions and set his cards on the table. “Fold.”

The skin demon shook his head.

“Okay, R3, I call,” the skin demon said, “You might be a droid, but you're crap at bluffing.”

“Yeah!” demanded one of the cat girls. “Call!”

The other demons nodded in agreement.

R3 made a sound that seemed to be the digital form of a snort and set his cards on the table with his manipulator appendage.

“A pair of threes?” the shark demon snarled. “I had a pair of Jacks!”

“I'll spot you three Persians,” the skin demon told him. “But you've got to pay me back.”

“Fine, Thursday okay?”

The skin demon nodded.

Watching this with confusion, Buffy wasn't sure if she should slay or play.

The kittens did look pretty cute.

“So, Carter? What's going on at your end?” Jack asked through the cell.

“Oh! Uh, right, sir!” Carter said, snapping up at attention at the sound of her C.O.'s voice. “I'm, ah, assisting in building a robot.”

“A robot?” Jack asked.

“An Android!”

“Correction, an android. She's very opinionated, sir,” Carter explained.

“I am a thinking being! Of course, I have opinions! You don't expect me to be some kind of Stepford Wife, do you?” Gabby snarled. “I'm just not that kind of droid!”

“Right, of course,” Carter agreed, backing up a step.

“You're helping the aliens build robots, Carter?” Daniel asked, breaking into the conference call.

“No,” Sam replied. “I'm helping a human build his second android. They've got some very impressive free will protocols.”

“Earth human?” Jack asked.

“Yes, all the tech is over the counter,” Carter assured him.

“I concur,” Teal'c put in. “WarrenMears is, as you say, a fucking genius.”

“Teal'c?” the other three SG1 members asked with confusion. That was not the kind of language they expected to come out of the Jaffa's mouth.

“I do believe that is how Sergeant Syler described most of our science department and it seemed an appropriate term for the situation,” Teal'c replied.

There was a long moment of silence on the line.

“Uh, Teal'c?” Daniel said.


“Maybe you should ask us first before trying out new idioms.”

“I shall endeavor to do so,” Teal'c replied in thanks. “However, my statement is still appropriate.”

“Well, yeah, that's pretty accurate,” Carter agreed after a moment. “Warren is brilliant and he's only in high school. April and Gabby are...well, they're people, sir; robotic people, but they're people.”

“Huh,” Jack pondered. “What about the ships?”

“Ships? Oh, right, they're in the next hanger and on the strip,” Carter replied.

“Okay, we'll be right over. We found the Ewoks,” Jack said.

“You did?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jack replied with heightened excitement. “And they're cute and furry.”

“They can also understand English, even if they can't speak it,” Daniel put in over the line.

“They can?”

“It's not that surprising,” Daniel said. “We haven't found a human society that didn't speak English since Abydos.”

Jack clapped a hand over his friend’s mouth. “Shh! That's a plot hole! Don't step in it!”

Dutifully ignoring the plot hole, they soldiered onwards towards the airport. Along the way, they encountered two brothers who were also dealing with the fallout of Halloween.

“I'm telling you, I'm fluent in over three thou-”

“Andrew, you're an idiot,” Tucker argued. “You don't speak anything but English, much less alien languages. You didn't turn into C3PO on Halloween and I didn't turn into R2D2.”

“If that's true, why did you decide to jam your finger in a USB port?” Andrew pointed out. At Tucker's scowl, he pointed and cheered triumphantly. “Ah-HA! I knew it! You're repressing. Now, come on, work out through the logical fallacy, and agree that I'm right. Search your feelings, you know this to be true.”

“Even if what you say is true, and I'm not saying that, just posing a possibility, I still can't take you seriously since you think you've been seeing ewoks all over town since then,” Tucker pointed out.

“Um,” Andrew said, looking over his brother's shoulder.

“What? What's behind me?” Tucker asked.

“Ewoks,” Andrew said.

“I'm not falling for that,” Tucker argued.

“Totally serious.”

“No, way.”

“Yeah, way.”

“Fine,” Tucker argued. “I'll look.” He turned around and let out a sound of pure disgust. Ten Ewoks were accompanying two older men. “Oh piss beep bleep boop fuck shit hell crap beep boop $#!t in a can beep beep boop and fucking BLEEP.”

“Wow, I'm a master of alien languages and that impressed me,” Andrew said. He absently noted that his brother's swearing sounded vaguely like a modem signing into dialup. “You do realize that this means I'm right.”

Tucker didn't respond and chose to simply glower.

One of the Ewoks, who looked suspiciously like the costume Jonathan Levenson wore for Halloween, waved at the two brothers as if they were old friends.

“Hi, Jono!” Andrew said. Tucker looked at his brother with utter confusion with actually increased to befuddlement as Andrew and the Ewok Jono started talking in rapid fire Ewok.

“Andrew?” Tucker asked.

“You can understand this?” Jack and Daniel asked in unison.

“Yeah, don't worry, I speak wok,” Andrew replied in a poor June Cleaver impression.

Jack turned to Daniel with an almost manic smile. “At last!” He turned back to the kid. “Hey, can you translate for us?”

Andrew shrugged. “Sure.”

“We want to know where they came from,” Daniel said.

“Tell them we're from galaxy far, far away,” Larry joked, prompting giggles from some of the others.

“Yeah, our planet was destroyed and we are the last of our kind,” Xander prompted.

“Wait, you're just going to combine Star Wars with Superman?” Amy asked. “Don't you think that would be pretty obvious?”

“You're right,” Jono said. “We need something totally ridiculous, like, our mothership got blown up by a giant pyramid in space!”

The other geekish ewoks started laughing, which to humans, sounds a little more like a howl and a screech. It sounded rather sad to human ears.

“Yeah, like anyone would have a spaceship shaped like a pyramid!” Aura cackled.

Andrew just shrugged and, not catching onto all the subtleties of the Ewok language, especially those related to humor, turned to the two older humans. “They are the last of their kind.”

“The last of their species?” Daniel asked. “What happened?”

“Their planet crumbled,” Andrew explained as he struggled to translate the language into English.

“When? Where?”

“A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away,” Andrew answered.

“Why are they here?”

“Their mothership was blown up by a pyramid in space?” the blond teen replied, as if he was a little unsure of the answer.

“Tell 'em it was made out of gold!” Willow chuckled. Anyone with half a brain would realize that gold wasn't a good material for spaceflight. It was far too soft.

“And it was gold.”

Jack and Daniel shared a knowing look.

“Anything else?” Daniel asked. “Like why their ships look like stuff from Star Wars?”

Andrew looked at the ewoks as they conferred with each other. Finally, Jono turned and grinned. He said a few words and Andrew translated.

“They saw the transmissions and thought they'd be able to blend in well,” Andrew said. “They didn't know Earth was so primitive.”

“Why'd they land at the Washington Monument?” Jack asked.

“Bad directions.”

“Why'd they shoot each other?” Daniel asked.

“It was set to stun.”

“Will they build me an X-Wing?” Jack asked, sounding like a little kid asking his parents for a comic book in the grocery store. Andrew turned and looked at the Ewoks who were once more talking amongst themselves.

Xander shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Bwahahahaha!” Jack cackled. Horrified by the villainous laugh, all others present, regardless of species, took three hesitant steps back in horror.

“Jack,” Daniel asked. “You okay”?

Finally! Finally, aliens willing to share their technology!”

The Ewoks suddenly pondered that they might have made a mistake.

And that's when Angel ran through the lot of them, with Kendra following close behind.

Xander looked at Willow, and together they looked after the Slayer and the Vamp-avec-Soul.

Xander, Larry and Oz shrugged, pulled out their blasters, and stunned both of them.

“And I'll also want about two hundred of those,” Jack said, pointing to the blasters. “And about eighty X-Wings to start. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Next time: EWOKS IN SPAAAAAAAACE! ... again.
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