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I Still Say it Looks like a Nail

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Summary: Xander takes a little time off to let his wounds heal after the Olaf incident. His mother's estranged brother's place should be quiet enough to give him the time to heal, after all how exciting could working in deep space telemetry be?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR15613,50770364102,44820 May 109 Jun 14No

Anise likes getting Hammered

“What’s with the lady in the magical hamster ball?” Xander asked.

“She's a scientist,” Jack replied with a grin as the woman groggily came to and shook off the blow.

“Well, as far as magical gizmos go that one looks like it would be a lot of fun at parties.”

“Indeed,” Murray said, a hint of amusement coloring his tone.

“We really should test it out more rigorously, like on the side of the mountain,” Sam said thoughtfully.

SG1 enjoyed that thought for the moment.

“There must be a problem with the settings,” Anise said annoyed. “We should try it again.”

“Let’s use one of the labs,” Sam said quickly, “not the hall like a common drone.”

“Yeah,” Jack jumped in, seeing where she was going with this. “We'll want to record and analyze the data of such a powerful device in a Tok'ra's hands, we have much to learn after all.”

“Agreed,” Anise said, Jack's ego stroking helping her recover her equilibrium.

“Test fire range,” Sam said, leading them off. “The recording devices in there are the most advanced we have.”

Five minutes later…

“The settings on the device appear to be correct,” Anise said, bringing the shield up once more. “Laborer, strike me!”

Xander nailed the shield and sent the alien woman hurtling down the firing range to sink into the wall of gel that Thor had given them to allow weapons testing within limited room.

Anise struggled to get out of the wall, which Xander quickly ran to and helped her with. Thinking that it looked and felt a lot like green Vaseline.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket he quickly cleaned the stuff off her face; leaving her skin shiny and green.

“Thank you,” Anise said, appreciating the quick and competent help. “I believe the device may be malfunctioning.”

“We should try it once more just to be sure,” Jack said as SG1 tried to hide their amusement.

“Ok, but it’s my turn to ride in the hamster ball,” Xander said with a grin.

Anise nodded, while scraping the gel off with her hands. “I will wield the hammer than.”

“Are you sure you're strong enough?”

Anise smirked and her eyes flashed silver. “I think I can manage.”

Xander nodded, thinking that a witch who'd managed to bond and control a primal spirit would have the strength.

“You don't have to...” Jack began.

Xander interrupted him, “I want to! Tell me it doesn't look like fun.”

Anise wiped her hands off before she struggled to lift the hammer as Sam instructed him on the hand device's usage.

“Ok! I'm ready,” Xander announced, the shield popping into place.

“I am having some slight problems,” Anise admitted grudgingly.

“Maybe you should let Murray handle it,” Xander suggested.

“But I am stronger than he is.”

“It’s not just about strength. The hammer prefers certain personality types,” Xander explained.

“You speak as if it’s alive.” Anise said before being forced to drop the hammer as its weight doubled.

“It kinda is.”

Teal'c lifted the massive war hammer easily.

Anise looked at the hammer and then back to Xander with interest. “And where did you come upon such a weapon?”

“You wouldn't believe me if I told you,” Xander replied as he braced himself for Teal'c's swing. “Ok! Hit it Murray!” Xander ordered.

Teal'c struck the shield solidly, managing to knock Xander back a foot.

“Well, that was a bust,” Xander said in disappointment.

Anise and Sam seemed to disagree as they raced over to the computers and quickly called up the data on the two tests.

“The hammer changes its mass at the moment of impact,” Sam said stunned.

“Or the moment of insult,” Anise added.

“Despite the changes in mass the velocity doesn't change.”

“That's impossible!”

“Hardly impossible, just difficult to pull off. Even for the Asgard,” Anise said thoughtfully.

“There's nothing wrong with the shield device, the hammer simply overpowered it,” Sam decided.

Anise sighed. “I will go over the data later, this gel is annoying.”


“I'm pretty sure you can't tell me anything I'll find all that surprising,” Jack assured Xander as the girls ran off to devour data.

“I beat a troll god to death and stole his hammer,” Xander said, clearly amused. “My ex-girlfriend turned him into a troll and banished him from his dimension over a thousand years ago; that’s why he was so pissed.”

“Ok, I stand corrected; now what really happened?”

Xander chuckled. “That’s classified unc.”

“I'm cleared for classified data.” Jack smirked.

Xander tapped his badge, drawing attention to his security level. “Classified beyond your level unc. You have secrets and I have secrets, yours are protected by the fact you're family and I trust you'll tell me if I need to know anything. Mine are protected by the US Government.”

Jack opened and closed his mouth several times before falling silent.

“Wow, he's speechless,” Daniel said. “I never thought I'd see the day.”

“Indeed,” Teal'c agreed.

Xander suddenly perked up like a golden retriever hearing a duck. “If you'll … excuse me … I have to … do … what I was put on this Earth … to do, now,” he said in an exaggerated Captain Kirk voice before hurrying over to Anise. “That stuff gets everywhere, would you like some help getting it off?”

Anise was clearly torn as the scientist within her had some fascinating facts to play with, while the woman in her wanted to play with something else. She was just about to regretfully turn him down when she found the woman she was in pushing her aside. “My name is Freya, and I would appreciate the help.”


“Did you know...” Daniel began.

“Yes,” Xander interrupted happily, before returning to his breakfast.

Jack took a seat next to Xander. “I'm not even going to ask.”

Sam took a seat next to Daniel, not looking up from the binder she was reading as she ate. “I think that gel affects Goa'uld mental states as well as staining the skin.”

“Really? How so?” Daniel asked.

“Anise was actually pleasant to be around this morning and only a fraction as condescending as normal.”

“Imagine that,” Jack said dryly, trying not to smirk.

“Who's Anise?” Xander asked confused.

“The girl covered in green gel?” Jack asked sarcastically. “Don't tell me you've forgotten her already?”

“I thought her name was Freya?” Xander said confused.

“The … other spirit in her is named Anise,” Daniel explained.

“That explains the sudden shift partway through,” Xander said contemplatively. “She went from naïve and inexperienced to energetic and skilled when I thought she'd just passed out.”

Jack snorted.

“I wonder if it counts as a threesome?” Xander mused aloud, causing Daniel to choke on his orange juice.

“Men,” Sam said, rolling her eyes but still not looking up.

Daniel shook his head. “The latest ruling says there must be two completely separate bodies, so the possessed, people with multiple personality disorders, and even Siamese twins no longer count.”

Jack just stared while Xander laughed.

“Was my delivery off?” Daniel asked.

“No, that was brilliant,” Jack said. “I just didn't expect it from you. If you'd waited until I was drinking I'd have done a spit take.”

“I'm going to use that one on my friend Buffy,” Xander announced. “Maybe it'll convince her to start dating people who aren't older than America and haven't killed thousands of people.”

“If I ask, you're going to say its classified aren't you?” Jack asked.

“Yep, I'm beginning to love that word,” Xander noted with a grin.

“I'm not,” Jack pouted, making Sam hide her snicker behind the folder she was reading.

“Aww, why not?”

“I always thought I'd get to be the cool uncle with all the secrets,” Jack whined.

“You are,” Xander assured him. “I have not read a single document or questioned anyone. Unless there is an emergency I don't need to know a thing.”


“Really,” Xander assured him. “Have I questioned you about Loki?”

“No you haven't. So if something strange comes up I can just say classified and smirk?”

“Just like me,” Xander assured him.

Xander and Jack exchanged grins that sent shivers down Danny's spine. “This isn't going to end well,” he groaned, just before Janet showed up and handed Xander a piece of paper.

“What's this?” Xander asked.

“Your appointment notice,” Janet explained. “I cleared my schedule from four oclock on. We have dinner, dancing, a movie, and then we'll finish with a mutual exam.”

“What kind of cologne do you use?” Jack asked as Janet walked off with a little extra swing in her hips, knowing Xander was watching.

Sam finally looked up from what she'd been reading and saw Xander. “Why are you green?”

Xander laughed. “Do you really want an answer to that?”

Sam thought about that for a second. “No,” she replied and returned to her reading.

As Xander and Jack got up to leave they passed a table filled with faces Xander recognized.

“Why do I get the feeling that about half the salutes were aimed at you?” Jack asked after they passed the table. “And there were several bows and I think that one girl bared her throat...”

“I'm sure you're just imagining things unc,” Xander assured him.

“Ahem,” Jack cleared his throat.

“Forgot,” Xander apologized, before looking his uncle square in the eye and saying, “Sorry. Classified.”

“That’s better,” Jack said, wondering how he could top Xander and getting an idea.

Jack's office was cluttered with odds and ends including, a tv, dvd player, and xbox, as well as a load of games and movies.

“Now this is my idea of an office,” Xander said with a grin.

“Glad you like it,” Jack said. “Have a seat while I make a phone call.”

Xander sat down and looked through the game and movie titles while Jack hit the button for the speaker phone and dialed Jon's number.

“Hey Jon, its Jack.”

“Hey Jack, is there an emergency? You usually avoid calling me unless everything has gone to hell.”

“Nah, I was wondering if you wanted to meet our nephew, Xander?”

“We have a nephew?” Jon asked surprised.

“Yes, our estranged sis had a kid. He's a pretty interesting guy,” Jack assured him.

“How are you going to explain having a sixteen year old twin or do I have to pretend to be a cousin? 'Cause telling him Loki made a clone of us and screwed up is probably right out.”

“Not if he's in the office listening while you're on speakerphone,” Xander pointed out.

“Shit... ummm... I'm practicing lines for a school play,” Jon tried.

Jack laughed. “Relax I've got it covered. Xander, sorry but it’s classified.”

Xander laughed. “Ok unc.”

“No questions?” Jon asked surprised.

“Classified is classified,” Xander said simply. “We don't bug family about these types of things.”


“Now dial my cellphone number and put it on conference call,” Xander said with an evil grin.

Jack raised an eyebrow but did it.

“Aren't you right there?” Jon asked.

“Just wait,” Xander said as the phone rang.

After a few rings the sounds of battle came through the phone and Xander answered, “I hope this isn't an emergency, because I'm in the middle of something. I'll call you right back as soon as I'm done.” And then he hung up.

“Interesting answering machine message,” Jack said.

“Give him a minute or so to call back,” Xander said. “Sounds like he's busy at the moment.”

“Didn't you say you were in the SCA?” Jack asked thinking the clash of metal on metal sounded familiar.

“No, you said I was, I just didn't correct you,” Xander snickered.

The phone rang and Jack patched it in.

“Xander here, what’s the what?”

“Hey, Xander it’s Xander here.”

“Really, cool? So, how's our uncle? Is he a decent guy?”

“He's a decent guy and apparently we take after him more than our parents. I have him and his sixteen year old clone on a conference call with us now.”

“Hi guys!” the Sunnydale Xander said.

“Hi Xander!” Jack and Jon chorused.

“Sounds like you're busy, need me to come back?” Xander asked.

“Going into battle hurt is the best way to get us killed.” A scream and rapid fire cursing in a British accent was heard. “Ignore that, one of the knights nailed Spike to the wall with a lance, missed his heart and spine though so he'll be fine. We've got an insane goddess, the council and a group of knights, who think they're doing the right thing but are really endangering this dimension and several of the local ones, going on at the moment.”

“Can't you just shoot them?” Jack and Jon chorused.

There was silence on the line for a moment. “Shit! I'm so used to fighting things bullets just piss off that I forgot they were human! Ok, new plan and I gotta go- call me in a week or three days. You know, whenever. I gotta go! Bye!”

“You have a clone the same age as you,” Jon said wonderingly.

“Sorry, classified!” Xander chuckled.

“Ahh! So, we're trying to one up each other,” Jon said with a grin they could hear over the phone.

“Well then, let’s talk about robotic clones...”

Typing by Dogodma, Typos by Dogbertcarroll.
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