Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
using
 paypal
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Is your email address still valid?

Colors and Capes

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Story

Summary: Xander in DC played for laughs. You've been warned.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Batman(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll + 1 otherFR18510,3813214570,83020 May 1017 Jun 14No

In order!

“You know how you're never around when Batman is...?” Nightwing trailed off with a grin.

“I'm never around when Wonder Woman is either, but I don't see people blamin' me for that one or claiming that I'm her secret identity. Which would be a neat trick you'd have to admit. Of course that'd mean that she has fake breasts and I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you say that to her face.” Xander snickered.

“I'm also never here when Galatea's here, when Super Girl is here – damn! This is getting depressing. I wonder if it’s my cologne? Why am I never here when the half naked good aligned hotties are around? The evil hotness is always around. Damn, maybe it IS my cologne!” Xander turned to Nightwing. “What do you use?! I think it’s time to switch brands.”

Nightwing turned to Xander after he finally finished laughing only to find him gone. “Yeah and he keeps wondering why people think he's the Batman.”

***

Moments later, deep inside Poison Ivy's lair.

“Honey that’s not exactly what I meant when I suggested marital aides,” Harley Quinn said as Poison Ivy returned to the bedroom – one of her animated rose vines following along carrying Xander.

The rose's motion against the already torn and well worn material of Xander's pants finished the job of removing his pants. “On second thought, honey you're a genius!”

Xander now unfettered by the overgrown mutant rose bush turned to the two and said, “You think you can just kidnap me and expect me to cooperate?!”

Ivy grinned wickedly and ripped away the sheet covering Harley's nude form and sent it gliding off the bed as her own costume (which was entirely composed of leaves) drifted gently to the floor.

“But what do I know? Ivy, you're the genius!” Xander echoed Harley's last statement.

***

“Crime rates have dropped below targeted projections for the last two weeks,” Nightwing muttered.

“And that's a bad thing?” Batgirl asked.

“Batman always said that if the crime rates didn't match your projections, you'd either made a mistake in your calculations or something was going on that you were missing.”

“I've rechecked my calculations,” Batgirl pointed out.

“Exactly, so I have to be missing something!”

* * *

Harley popped her head out from under the covers. “I feel like we're forgetting something.”

Xander's head popped out from the other end of the covers. “No, I'm pretty sure if you have a checklist we've already gone through it.”

Ivy's head popped out from another side. “Twice. I believe, though some water would be nice, I'm feeling a little parched.”

“Fruit juice and a soak in the hot tub?” Xander suggested.

“Sounds good,” Ivy agreed.

* * *

“I think I know what I've forgotten!” Harley declared, as she set her fruit juice down.

Xander who was on the other side of Ivy spoke up curiously, “What?”

“We forgot to rob any banks, jewelry stores, etc,” Harley said.

Ivy sighed. “Which means we need to get cracking or the bills won’t get paid, and while the local banks may be pushovers, the utility companies are a force to be reckoned with.”

“Hmmm, Ivy dear, isn't one of your main goals to reduce pollution and increase the plant population on this planet?” Xander asked.

“Yes, but that doesn't pay the bills, hence the various felonies on my record,” Ivy admitted.

“But it can,” Xander pointed out. “Companies that make fertilizer produce significant amounts of waste, right?”

“Yes,” Ivy agreed, wondering where he was going with this.

“I'm sure you make much more effective fertilizer than they do, and with a great deal less waste, right?”

“I see what you're saying, but I simply can't produce enough to compete with them.”

“Sorry sweet cheeks, it was a nice try though,” Harley said.

Xander just grinned. “You aren't aiming to compete with them, you're aiming to change the way they operate … and make a buck.”

“How?” Ivy asked, interested.

“Patent the process and market it as a green alternative – they'll pay you, so they can make less pollution,” Xander grinned.

“I've tried getting them to switch before darling, but offering it free and even threatening them was useless.”

“Yes, but you aren't going to either of these this time. This time you're going to charge all the market will bear.”

“I think we may have fucked you crazy,” Ivy said thoughtfully.

Xander chuckled. “Harley, you've studied psychology – tell me why it won’t work.”

“Because ...” Harley's voice trailed off as she thought about it, and her eyes grew wide. “Holy feakin' Hanna, it'll work!”

Ivy looked between the two. “It sounds insane, but it’s feasible?! I'll need a little in depth on that one.”

“Business men are a bunch of greedy bastards who think everyone is out to get them and they think everyone else thinks the same way they do. So, if you give them something for free they think it’s either worthless or a trick to ruin them. but if you behave like them and say it'll cost an arm and a leg …” Harley trailed off.

“They'll fall all over each other trying to get it!” Ivy exclaimed. “Why didn't I think of that?”

“Because you were trying to solve the problem with brute force when you should have been thinking like your namesake, find a crevice and wedge your way in, widening the crack.” Xander said fervidly before getting an evil grin and ducking under the water.

Twenty plus minutes later Xander resurfaced.

“Are you related to Aquaman?” Harley panted. “Because I'm fairly certain normal men can't do that!”

“Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure mortal men couldn't keep with us much less out last us,” Ivy added.

“Well, there are a couple of things about me you don't know; while in high school I was briefly possessed by a primal spirit – a hyena, which really increased my endurance. Later on my swim coach tried to mutate me into the creature from the black lagoon to win a swim meet. So when you combine the two …” Xander trailed of waggling his eyebrows playfully.

“Sex is your super power?” Harley guessed.

Xander laughed. “That and the combination of a smoking hot blonde and redhead are my kryptonite, it’s like hitting overdrive on my libido.”

* * *

“Projection still off?” Batgirl asked.

“Yes, it’s been a month now and I have no idea what I'm missing! If this keeps up I'm going to have to ask the old man for help.”

Batgirl sighed. “I tell you what, I'll grab Super Girl and do a thorough patrol and see what shakes loose from the cracks and crevices we normally don't reach.”

Nightwing smiled. “Thanks, I'd appreciate that.”

* * *

Harley lay flat on her back, covered in sweat and panting for breath. “Ivy?”

“Yeah?” the breathless redhead replied.

“I can't feel my legs.”

“Neither can I.”

“Are we going to die?”

“I never thought it was possible to go out this way, but I'm beginning to think so,” Ivy replied seriously.

“We need some way to distract him for a week or two,” Harley said.

“He said his weakness was blond and redhead combos, right?”

“I do recall that, yes.”

“Well, what if we let slip to Super Girl and Bat Girl that we kidnapped some poor schmoe? They'll rescue him and we can recover!”

“That's not a bad idea, I can see a few ways to improve upon it however,” Ivy agreed.

“Kryptonians are probably more resistant to death by snoo-snoo, so they'll be fine.”

“He's coming back, quick play along!” Ivy said trying not to panic.

“Miss me?” Xander asked smiling happily and completely unaware that the two super villainesses were almost entirely exhausted, because neither was willing to admit that a mere man had more stamina than they did.

“Terribly, but while you were getting lunch I thought of a game we could play,” Ivy said saucily.

“Anything you girls want, I'll do my best to provide,” Xander promised.

“Does helpless captive and horny heroines sound like fun?” Ivy asked as numerous vines crept up behind him.

“I like role play,” Xander agreed.

* * *

“Everything set?” Harley asked still not moving.

“He's strapped down and blindfolded in the spare bedroom with a light dusting of aphrodisiac pollen covering him. I've got two plant doppelgangers in the room with him, so if Super Girl looks in she'll think we're there.”

“Now we just need to put the word out on the street,” Harley agreed. “Can you bring me the phone? I still can't walk.”

“Sure hun, how long do you think it'll take them to respond?”

“I dunno, but hopefully soon.”

17 minutes later …

A muffled crash sounded in the spare room as Batgirl and Super Girl burst in to rescue the … victim.

Harley smiled. “Sleepy time!”

“Indeed, my dear Harley, indeed.”

“What are we going to do tomorrow night, Ivy?”

“Try and get some more sleep, unless of course he's exhausted those two already, then I'm thinking Hawkgirl and Galatea.”

“Night night, Ivy.”

“Night night, Harley.”
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking