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Colors and Capes

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Summary: Xander in DC played for laughs. You've been warned.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Batman(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll + 1 otherFR18510,3813214570,71420 May 1017 Jun 14No

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I don’t own DC or Mutant Enemy.


Halfrek looked fondly down at the sleeping figures of Anya and Xander Harris.

She almost felt guilty about what she had to do, but there was no way she was going to watch her friend die, aging day by day and fading away in the blink of an eye. So Xander, the one man the former patron Saint of Scorned Women found worthy, was simply going to have to go.

She could only grant wishes to children, but technically everyone was a child once, so all she had to do was grant a wish that Xander had made as a child to take him some place far away.

The magic of the wish was such that she didn't even have to know what his wish was to grant it and she was sure D'Hoffryn wouldn't mind as long as Anyanka returned to the fold.

With a whispered, “Wish granted.” Xander's form slowly vanished. With a snap of her fingers Hallie did as well.

* * *

Xander groaned and opened his eyes; stars, streetlamps and tall buildings greeted his befuddled gaze. Whereas he expected to see cinder blocks and the various accouterments of his parent's basement he found himself staring up at concrete and steel.

Nightwing paused in his pursuit of Harley and Ivy as he caught sight of the naked man in the street, and just had to comment.

Moments later, as Xander stood and looked around himself with some confusion, a figure in the shadows spoke, “You know, wandering through Bludhaven in the nude is not only foolish, it is also quite illegal.”

“Dick? Dick Grayson?!” Xander's eyebrows shot skyward as he beheld the black mask and blue and gold uniform of the Bat's former protege. With a look of shock on what was visible of his face, Nightwing dropped to the alley floor.

“Uh, how did you?!”

“Where I'm from every comic book geek knows who you are.”

“Would you mind coming with me?” the shell shocked Nightwing asked.

“You aren't coming onto me are you?” Xander asked, looking at him suspiciously out of the corner of his eyes.

Nightwing sputtered indignantly, “No, I'd just rather discuss how you know my secret identity somewhere not everyone in the world is going to overhear it.”

“Is there an offer of pants involved?” Xander deadpanned, figuring as long as no Boom-Chicka-Now-Wow music started playing everything would be alright.

“Oh, that's OK then, I don't suppose you have a spare pair of pants on that belt do you?”

“Sorry, I seem to be fresh out.”

“I was thinking we'd just ride my cycle over to my place where we can get you some pants and discuss this in private.”

Xander looked at him sideways again. “You're sure this isn't a gay thing?”

“No, no I was planning on you riding facing backwards... and possibly burning the cycle seat after.”

* * *

Harley and Ivy peeked out of the alley as they heard the distinct purr of Nightwing's cycle go by, only to stare stunned almost speechless as the bike went by with Xander flapping in the breeze as it were.

“Well you know what they say Ivy, they're either all gay or good guys.”

“I don't recall anyone ever saying that.”

“I just did, weren't you listening?”

“I try not to listen to you too much, I like my fragile hold on sanity just as it is,” Ivy teased playfully.

“Aww Ivy, you say the sweetest things.”

“Remind me why I put up with you again...”

“I'm double jointed and you like that thing I do with my tongue?”

“Oh, yeah...”

Both burst out in happy laughter, returning to their hideout. “You know I think moving to Bludhaven was really a good idea.”

“What are you talking about? We were interrupted by Nightwing before we could do anything remotely criminal.”

“Yeah, but Batsy would never stop chasing us just to pick up a naked guy.”

“Even if he did have a windsock dangling between his legs.”

* * *

Xander walked into Dick's apartment, rubbing his buns firmly with his hands. “You know, I really didn't think that ride would hurt so much. Did you have to go so fast? I don't think my poor abused ass is ever going to forgive you.”

Barbara froze in the act of turning around, waiting to see who exactly Dick was bringing with him through the door. Incredulous thoughts of 'he's gay?!' running through her head as her eyes immediately locked on Xander's waist.

“Hey, my eyes are up here red!”

Stunned Barbara nodded. “Yes they probably are,” she agreed absently not taking her eyes off certain of his attributes and his inadequate attempts to cover himself with his hands.

“OK! We're at your place!” Xander exclaimed turning to Nightwing. “Can I have those pants now, please?!”

“He blackmailed you into coming to his place or he wouldn't give you your pants back?!” Barbara asked stunned.

“Hey, he was naked when I found him!”

“So you just decided, 'let’s bring the naked guy home?' Dick, is there something you want to tell me? I'll understand, really. I mean, those stories about me and Super Girl aren't wholly inaccurate. Because, sometimes someone of the same sex can have an obvious attribute that is just so attractive that it overrides a normally very heterosexual orientation... I can tell he's very attractive, and yes that is impressive... But I think kidnapping him and taking away his pants is still wrong!”

Xander got a far off look in his eye and suddenly two hands which weren't doing an adequate job in the first place did an even poorer job. “Seriously, can I get some pants here?” Xander asked, blushing some at Barbara's frank appraisal. “Some pants, any time this century would be nice!”

Barbara giggled softly, grinning up at Xander unrepentantly from her place on the sofa as Nightwing returned from the other room with some spandex jogging shorts in tow.

Xander swiftly snatched the shorts and was in them in no time flat, finding them better than being naked, if only just. “This is all you could find, spandex jogging shorts? Are you sure this isn't a gay thing?”

“It was the closest thing to hand,” Nightwing excused himself before turning to Barbara. “So... You and Super Girl huh?” he asked with a playful grin.

“Like you have any room to talk, Mr. Lets Kidnap the Guy and Steal his Pants.”

Xander looked back and forth between the two Super Heroes, glaring a bit at each of them. “Good lord, it’s me and Cordy in high school. Where's a bug dude when you need one?”

They both turn to face him. “What?!”

“Or we could just lock you two in a broom closet and let you work it out.” Xander grinned back at them.

“It’s not like that! Seriously, we grew up together he's practically my brother!” Barbara exclaimed.

“And I don't play the banjo,” Nightwing added firmly.

“Ok, ok... No need to get your panties in a bunch, because frankly I have wedgie enough for all of us. Seriously, spandex – are you sure its not a gay thing?”

Nightwing rolled his eyes. “It’s the only thing I have that I'm sure would fit you, I don't exactly keep various sizes of clothes around to give random naked guys who I find wandering around Bludhaven after dark.”

AN: Godogma and me came up with this late one night tossing ideas back and forth, while up way past any sane person’s bedtime. He said it was way too silly to post, so he gave it to me, knowing I have all the innate resistance to excessive silliness that a cat has to catnip. I wrote a huge section that bridges this and a couple of later sections we already have typed up, but considering my hatred of actually typing my own work you’ll all have to wait for that while I edit and post the three small sections we came up with and he typed up.
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