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Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Counterparts. Then Count 'Em Again.". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: SG1 (as usual) gets captured by the goa'uld. Just when they're getting ready to break out, someone else manages to get captured. Well, from a relative perspective.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > GeneraljoshlamontFR1311,160176315,2554 Jun 104 Jun 10Yes
Disclaimer: I neither own nor claim the rights to either Stargate or Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Okay, yeah, I should be working on other stuff. And I am! ...kinda. But, well, this just wouldn't get out of my head. So, yeah. I own none of this. Enjoy!

Well, wasn’t this a pretty pickle. They’d just been dragged in for the goa’uld to taunt when a Jaffa ran up to the bastard and whispered in his ear, while several other Jaffa pulled in some more captives.


Jack cursed.

The goa’uld looked up with a look of triumph. “A hok’tar! She will make a fine host, indeed! And I shall finally take my proper place amongst the System Lords! Bring her!”

The guards hauled a young red-head forward and pushed her head down. The goa’uld walked over to her, smiling malevolently. Jack could only look on in horror as the goa’uld snapped out of its host into the girl’s neck.

She cried out briefly before her eyes flashed, and she grinned. But then her eyes suddenly flashed pure black, and cold laughter began to fill the room.

“Er… was that supposed to happen?” Jack whispered.

Daniel stared. “No, Jack, I don’t think so. I’ve never seen anything like-“

FOOLS. The deep voice reverberated in his mind. Wait a minute, in his mind!

Pitiful scum with dreams of grandeur. Did you really think that you actually held our minds? A sudden look of horror overswept the girl’s face before a smirk replaced it, and she raised her hand. Or that magic could be done with anything but the soul? Brilliant white lightning crackled in the hand, fighting to escape the sphere it was being forced into. Learn. Your. Folly.

The ball condensed, and then released, tearing into Jaffa and goa’uld alike. It ripped apart the guards near the other captives, and three of the symbiotes, desperate to escape, leapt from their hosts.

No!” Jack cried as they snaked into the other kids. The two girls winced, and then twisted, and finally coughed.

“Ewwwww!” said the blonde. “Ew, did I just- did we just eat them?”

“Yup!” The brunette smacked her lips. “Taste like chicken!”

“Ewww, Faith, that’s disgusting!” She glanced around. “Think we oughta break out, now? If we don’t hurry, Willow’s gonna kill ‘em all.”

“Nah, B, just let her. She needsta get out all that frustration from her break-up.”

“Whoa, look at you, all mature and self-sacrificing!”

“What can I say? I’m just that good!”

And soon you will be dead!” The boy’s voice rumbled as he finally stood up. “I do not know why this body took so long to control, but I-“ And suddenly a look of horror came over his face too, and he began screaming. “No, no, no, no, nonononono! Let me out! Please, I cannot escape, somebody, anybody, free me from this host!” He screamed again, and fell to his knees, clutching his head.

The girls tsked.

“Poor little snakey dude, trying to get in Xander’s mind.” The blonde shook her head sympathetically.

“No kidding, B.” The brunette shivered. “It was bad enough before the possessions.”

“And how would you know that, Faith?”

“That time travel gig last spring, remember?” Faith cringed. “Never, ever ask about his sixth grade. Ever.”

The last comment came in the middle of dead silence, since the red-head had just fried the last goa’uld in room. “Please…” the boy gasped. “Free me…

The red-head cocked her head. Why?

Faith snorted. “Come on, Red. I doubt Xander wants the snake in his head, either. And seriously, stop with the crazy mind-shit. You got a mouth, dontcha?”

The girl scrunched her nose. I’m not actually in control. This darned snakey-thing took over the nerve system. I’m actually kinda playing with it like a puppet, and sure, you can make a nose scrunch up and everything, and maybe even do a smirk or two, but talk? Do you know how many muscles the mouth has?!

“So why dontcha just kick your snake?”

I like my snake. He’s kinda cute, all ego-maniacal and worldy-take-over. I think I’ll name him Henry. Just gotta figure out a spell to cut his control. Red’s eyes cleared.

“Willow!” the blonde cried, “I don’t care what you do, if you don’t take this thing out of Xander, he’s going to cut off the ice-cream for a month! You know we can’t not have ice-cream for a month! They’ll all blame us!”

Oh, goddess, I didn’t think! Oops, I’m so sorry, Xander. Grabbing the creepy crawly now.

And just like that, a snake was writhing in the air.

Huh. Willow peered at the symbiote. Henry thinks you’re a lot sexier than you really are. Oh, well. Where should we send you?

“Might I recommend the land of the dead?” Teal’c deep voice rumbled.

Willow turned in surprise. Now why would- ooooh, you’re the shol’va. Good for you! Ew, Henry, that’s disgusting! Behave yourself. Well, you’re evil; you’re just going to have to deal with it. Maybe if you’d tried a benevolent tyranny instead of an oppressive theocratic totalitarian kratocracy. Like Yu! Ooo that had a double meaning! Anyway, Teal’c, I really can’t kill in cold blood, so I think I’ll send him to Mahumminato-tranifarlisasticanniky. They don’t have any necks there. And they like eel fishing. Should make his life interesting. And off you go!

The snake disappeared with an audible pop!

“Whew!” The boy said, sitting up. “Thanks, Will. That guy had some nasty memories. Though, bonus, I’ve got a great idea for the next time we meet a Gnarfis demon. Anyway, got what we came for?”

“Right here!” the blonde said, waving a shiny thingamajig in the air.

“You can’t take that!” Daniel cried.

“Sure we can.” The blonde replied. “It’s too dangerous for curious archeologists like you. Like, Pandora’s Box dangerous. God, you’d think Wesley would know better! ‘But Buffy’” Her voice whined, “‘Pandora already let everything out! There’s nothing bad left to escape!’ Idiot!”

“Hey, give him a break, B.” said Faith, helping Xander up. “Nobody could’ve known about the squitch. Those things are huge!”


“Well, as fun as this all was,” Xander said, “We’ve got to get back to Earth. Wills?”

Oh, sure, Xander.

The boy bowed. “Very nice meeting you people. Glad to know that America’s a pain in evil's galactic ass. Hope you guys get home soon!”

“Wait, you’re not just going to leave us here?” Danny exclaimed.

Xander shrugged. “Pretty sure the grey-haired guy’s almost picked his cuff, and there’s a chappa’i like two light years from here. Whoa, weird knowing that stuff. Anyway, it’s been great. Seeya!”

And with a flash, the whole group disappeared.

Jack turned slowly. “Carter?”

“Yes, sir?”

“They said Earth, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So we’ve got a goa’uld stuck inside a not-so-helpless little girl running around Earth, now?”

“…yes, sir.”

“Ah.” Jack turned back to stare at the spot they’d disappeared from. It was smoking. “Just checking.”

The End

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