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Birds and Bees, Or Something Like

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Summary: Tony is not Xander's dad. No. It's worse. Much worse.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > GeneralMissEFR151325,1153628181,6097 Jun 1025 Jan 11Yes

Unwanted Revelations

Disclaimer: Don't own or claim rights to Buffy.

A/N: Yep. Working on something other than my WIP's. But at least I'm writing, is all I can say. Will get back to Whisper of Willow very (very!) soon. Promise. Also, am trying to post when I've got the next chapter finished. So far, so good.


“He's your father.”


Xander stood up from the table so abruptly that his chair flew back. Instinctively, he threw his hand out and caught the chair before it could crash to the ground, and both of them stilled and looked out to the lounge. When Tony remained blissfully unconscious they both breathed sighs of relief. Xander righted the chair and sat back down, taking a deep, calming breath.

“Angel's my dad,” he repeated.


“Do you know what he is?”

Jessica bit her lip, and considered her son. “He's a vampire,” she whispered.

“Did you know that when you … gah! When you … did … that?”

His mother coughed, and blushed slightly. “It's, um, kind of difficult to miss. With the, uh, temperature difference.”

“Oh, god!” he moaned. “Okay. Ground rules. I do not want to know anything – and that means absolutely anything! – of the (gah!) physical side of your relationship. I was conceived by … by osmosis, yeah. You sat beside him, and – voilà – I was conceived. That's it, end of story. Okay?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Yes, dear. I sat beside the stunning vampire, not even holding hands, and conceived by osmosis.”

“Glad you understand,” her son sighed, then smiled slightly at his mother. “So... What about, uh, Tony?”

“Please! I was six weeks pregnant when I met him, and we hooked up straight away. I told him you were premature.”

“Uh, wasn't I, like, eight pounds or something?”

“All babies are teeny-tiny to a manly man like Tony. I said you were premmie, and he accepted it.”

“So what happened with Angel? Was it, like, bad or something? Did his, um, eating habits gross you out, 'cause ew!” Xander screwed up his nose.

“Have you seen him feed?” Jessica asked pointedly.

“Well, no. But I have a very good imagination.”

Jessica sighed. “Well, actually, neither did I. He was very … private about that.”

“So what happened?”

“He dumped me.”

“He what?” Xander demanded, too loudly for their circumstances. Both of them again braced themselves, looking out to the other room. When nothing happened, Xander tried again. “He what?” he hissed.

“He said that he was just using me, and he needed to stop because it was the right thing to do, and I should find a nice man, a human man, to look after me. I figure I,” she rolled her eyes, “sat beside him a day or so before he broke up with me, because neither of us knew I was pregnant when we broke up. I found out soon enough, and latched onto Tony as soon as possible afterwards. He was handsome, then, and had some good prospects. I figured he would be a good father to you. Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Does he know? Tony, I mean.”

“No. God, I hope not. That would really be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it?”

“And Angel never knew?”

“As far as I can tell, he left town as soon as he broke up with me.”

“So what do I do now?”

Jessica shrugged. “He's your father. Talk to him.”

“Uh, you don't really know this, we don't exactly like each other. He kind of has this thing with one of my friends from school, and, well, I think it's really icky, and – ew! – my dad is trying to get it on with one of my friends! Okay. Now I need brain bleach!”

“He's trying to what?” Jessica asked with awful care.

“Uh, Buffy. She's in my grade. And he's kind of got this thing where he talks to her, and gives her advice, and, well, stuff.”

“He's trying to hook up with a sixteen-year-old? He's in his twenties, what the hell is he thinking? Has he not heard the term 'jail bait?'”

“Huh,” Xander considered. “Maybe I should organise a get together with both parental-type units. Let you talk some sense into him.”

“Maybe you should,” Jessica agreed.

“What I should do is try to get some sleep,” Xander decided, rubbing his face. “I've got school tomorrow, and I'm going to have to have a talk with someone about me being a dhampyr.”

“A what?”

“Vampire father plus human mother equals dhampyr. The girls were just talking about it today. 'Cause Buffy would like to have kids someday, and since she's crushing on a supposedly sterile vamp, Willow was trying to cheer her up. Huh. Guess that means Deadboy is not so sterile.”


“Like I said, Mom, not the greatest of relationships with the not-so-evil undead. Although, to be fair,” he added, “better than with the official male parent.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“It's not so bad. He hasn't hit me in over a year, now. You should probably think of leaving him, if you're not too attached. Once this gets out, the shit's really going to hit the fan, and, uh, sorry about that,” he finished, blushing.

Jessica glared at her son in retribution for his language, then sighed. “So you have someone, other than Angel, that you trust to discuss this with?”

“Yeah. Giles, the Librarian, knows all about this kind of stuff. He's even got the official-type history of Deadboy. Stuff you really don't want to know about.”

“He kind of hinted at a mysterious and very dark past. He was all sad and broody about it,” she added with a soft smile.

“Eh. He's still doing that. Hence the Buffy crushage. Willow, too, kind of.”

“Whatever. Well, like you said, you need to go to bed, so off with you,” she added shooing him off.

“Yeah,” Xander murmured, standing up and stretching. “'Night, Mom.”


Xander had set his alarm earlier than normal, and escaped the house before either of the adults had made it downstairs. He set off at an easy jog, and made it to the school with plenty of time for a much-needed discussion with Giles.

“Hey, G-Man,” he greeted as he entered the library. “What's the what.”

Giles looked up at the teenager, frowning. “You're here awfully early, Xander. Is there a problem?”

“Uh, maybe?” Xander offered.

Giles set down his book and gave Xander his full attention. “What is it?” he asked.

“Um, well, what did the girls tell you about what happened yesterday?”

“They said that you and Angel had (yet another) argument, and that Angel left, and then you left.”

“Did they tell you what we were talking about?”

“No. I just assumed it was you making a fuss about the fact that Angel's a vampire, as per usual.”

“Yeah, I guess I do that a bit, don't I?”

“Oh, no, Xander,” the Watcher denied rolling his eyes. “I would never say that.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Xander dismissed, grinning. “I know I obsess over it, but I might just have some justification for that. Anyway, moving on. We were talking about dhampyrs. So. What can you tell me?”

“That's it?” Giles asked, raising an eyebrow. “You came in, this early, to talk about the possibly mythic progeny of a vampire and a human?”

“Well, yeah.”


Xander blushed, hunched his shoulders, and looked down, letting his hair fall forward across his face. “CauseIhappentobeone,” he muttered in a rush.

“I'm sorry, but what?”

“Okay, so Angel kind of ambushed me just as I got home to give me a big lecture, telling me to ease up on pestering him 'cause he says I'm about to lose Will and Buffy's friendship if I keep going like this, and Mom saw Angel, and wanted to know how he knew to find me, because he's my father, but he broke up with her before she even found out she was pregnant, and I so don't want to know the details, as far as I was concerned I was conceived by osmosis, like I told her, and I don't want to know anything about differences in body temperature, because – ew – so Mom agreed, yeah, osmosis, even though I know she was rolling her eyes, but who cares! And anyway Mom says Angel's my dad, but Tony doesn't know, thank god, which means I'm a dhampyr. So.”

Giles sat there and contemplated the little speech Xander had delivered. “Angel, huh?”


Giles began to polish his glasses. “Interesting.”

“Tell me about it.”

“You do realise that means you call your father 'Deadboy', don't you?”

“Well, duh!”

“Do you think you will continue?”

“Um... Do you think I'll be able to get away with it?”

“Considering a vampire's natural possessiveness and need to rule his or her family? Not really.”

Xander sighed, and allowed his head to drop to the table. “God! I'm Deadboy's son. Deadboy Junior. Son of Deadboy. I'd wish for the ground to open up and swallow me, but since we're on the Hellmouth itself, that seems like something that actually would happen, and would really be not of the good.”

“So when are you going to break the news to dear old Dad?” Giles asked, beginning to enjoy himself.

Xander's head popped up. “Soon, actually,” he decided, grinning. “I told Mom about his thing with Buffy, and she wants to have a Talk with Angel.”

“Oh,” Giles murmured. “Oh, dear.” After a moment, he went on cheerfully, “Oh, well, you didn't really need a father, did you now?”

Xander chuckled. “So, about this dhampyr thing... What can you tell me?”
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