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Birds and Bees, Or Something Like

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Summary: Tony is not Xander's dad. No. It's worse. Much worse.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > GeneralMissEFR151325,1153528180,7007 Jun 1025 Jan 11Yes

Unnatural Relations

Disclaimer: Don't own or claim rights to Buffy

A/N: I came across an idea for a pairing the other day that utterly intrigued me, so here is my take on it. I know it's against canon, but that's okay. It's my story ;)

A/N2: This takes place mid-Season 2, before Angelus rears his ugly head.

~~~~~

“Oh, look,” Willow cooed, waving Buffy over, and pointing to her book. “A vampire had a child with a human woman.”

“What?” Buffy shrieked, before dashing to look at the book.

Xander screwed up his face. “Can I just say 'ew'? Just... The whole thought of having a vampire's child? How is that of the good?”

Buffy frowned in concentration as she read the book, then shook her head sadly. “It's just a story,” she mourned.

“Just as well, isn't it? I mean, really, Buffy,” Xander went on, “would you really want to carry Deadboy's baby? Isn't that kind of, I don't know, unnatural?”

“Well,” Buffy temporised. “I would like a child. You know, someday.”

“Maybe it's not just a story,” Willow suggested. “Maybe, you know, you could ask Angel. He should know.”

“I could know what, Willow?” Angel asked as he descended the library stairs.

Xander scowled at the vampire, but Willow blushed and smiled tentatively. “Oh, um, you know,” she stuttered, smoothing the pages of the book in front of her. “Dhampyrs. Are they real?”

Angel frowned, and stalked over to the table. He deftly flipped the book closed, and checked the spine, then grunted. “This is pretty much a work of fiction, you know that, don't you?” he checked.

Willow sighed. “Yeah. But still...”

Angel sighed, and walked back to lean against the railings. “Yes. Dhampyrs do exist. But they're very rare. There's a number of different things that have to occur to cause a dhampyr to be born, and it's very difficult to get one on purpose. I've met, oh, less than ten in my unlife. And I've had sex when a number of human women, even after getting my soul, but, as far as I'm aware, I've never fathered one.”

“You had sex with humans?” Buffy gasped, eyes wide.

Angel sighed softly. “Yes, Buffy, I have. And the ones I, um, met after I got my soul actually survived the experience. Which is why,” he added, turning back to Willow, “there are very few of them around. Most vampires kill their human 'lovers' either during or shortly after … relations. Those that allow their partners to live rarely tolerate any progeny that might occur. You see, dhampyrs have this distressing tendency to turn out to be hunters,” he added with a smirk.

“So vampires usually kill the women they rape, but if they don't, and the woman does fall pregnant, they usually kill the kid, because the kids usually turn out to be hunters,” Xander summarised. “That sound right?”

Angel sighed again. “Yes, Xander, that – while very abbreviated – sounds about right.”

“Well, no wonder,” Xander went on. “I mean, if you come about because of a rape, and the only reason you're alive is because 'daddy' forgot to kill you and/or your mother, I think you would have reason to be a little pissed, and want some payback. Don't you,” he added, smiling charmingly at the vampire.

Angel suppressed a growl. “I dare-say,” he allowed. “Of course, I haven't raped or murdered in a hundred years -”

“Yeah, yeah,” Xander dismissed. “Vampire with a soul, got it already.”

“Xander,” Willow began, “Angel is really helpful, and does a lot of good. You know that.”

“Yeah. Good. Right. Yeah, it was really good of him to grab me to help when Buffy was drowning, alright,” he went on, looking at the vampire. “And letting me help distract Spike at Parent-Teacher night, that was helpful, too.”

Angel rolled his eyes. “I'm going. If Rupert needs me for anything, he has my number.”

The teenagers watched in silence as Angel walked out of the library. As the door finally stopped swinging, Willow slapped Xander in the arm.

“What was that for?” the boy asked indignantly.

“What was that for?” Willow repeated, scowling. “Why were you so mean to him? And Buffy's right here,” she added. “You know how Buffy feels about Angel. Don't you think you could cut him a bit of slack?”

“Hey, I'm just not forgetting what he is,” Xander assured. “You girls seem to do that.”

“Oh, you would bring that up, wouldn't you,” Buffy hissed.

“He's a vampire,” Xander reminded them, “and I'm not really that impressed with the whole soul-having-ness. So what? Hitler had a soul, too, and so did Ted Bundy.”

“That's totally different!” Willow argued. “Angel's doing good.”

Xander rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, sure. 'Angel's good and helping us.' Happy?”

Buffy scowled. “I'd be a lot happier if you wouldn't attack my boyfriend at every opportunity.”

“Don't you think it's a little bit icky? He's like two-hundred fifty years old.”

“Two hundred forty-five,” the blonde corrected automatically.

“Oh, like five years is going to matter after this time,” Xander snarked. “The point I'm trying to make is that he is old! And not just twenty-something type old. Two-hundred-something old! And he was twenty-something, anyway, when he was made a vampire, wasn't he? Isn't that icky?” the boy repeated.

“Oh, please,” Buffy moaned. “You're just jealous. I know you have a crush on me, and that's … cute … really. But you have to move on. Just, I don't know, stop being jealous.”

Xander shook his head. “Don't worry, Buffy. You knocked the crush right out of me earlier this year.” He looked at the two girls, and went on, “Tell Giles I'll see him tomorrow.”

When Giles entered the library some few minutes later, he found Buffy and Willow, sitting together at the table, alone, and reading a magazine together. A charming picture, really, if it were not for the banality of the reading material. When they passed on the apologies, Giles sighed, and made a mental note to talk to the teenaged boy about necessary, if unpleasant, allies.

~~~~~

Angel waited in the deeper shadows for the boy to appear. As soon as Xander wandered off the footpath to get to his home, Angel walked out of the blackness to meet him.

Xander shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Deadboy!” he greeted. “How wonderful to meet you. So what's the plan tonight? Knock me out to leave me, trussed up, for your pals?”

“I don't have any 'pals',” Angel frowned. “And I would never do that, no matter how annoying you are. And you can be very annoying,” the vampire added pettishly.

“What can I say?” the boy smirked. “I love my work.”

Angel shook his head. “Look, could you just, I don't know, ease off a bit? Yes, you annoy me, and I'm sure that's all fun and games for you, but you're upsetting Buffy. If you keep going the way you are, you're going to lose both of them,” Angel warned him earnestly.

Xander stared at the other man for a moment. “Whoa,” he murmured. “Weird. I could have sworn you were trying to help me there.”

Angel took a deep, calming, though unnecessary, breath. “Yes, Xander, I'm trying to help. I do that, you know: help people.” He looked away distractedly, before continuing. “Okay, how's this for a reason? Buffy needs you. Yes, she's the Slayer, yes, she's so very powerful, but she still needs your friendship. You were the one to bring her back to us in the Master's cave. I -” he took another breath. “I need you to keep her alive. For … for everyone.”

“For you,” Xander sneered.

Angel sighed. “I can't... We can't...”

“You can't do anything, and you know it. God! I've been saying that all along, but no, I'm just a jealous boy, what would I know?”

“Well, you are jealous, aren't you?” Angel taunted.

Xander scowled, and Angel had a random thought of an angry puppy. “Doesn't mean I'm wrong, though, does it?”

“No, but it the way you're proving it means you will lose your friends. Look, I'll … I'll try to pull back, not, I don't know, be around her so much, but it's hard,” Angel most assuredly didn't whine.

“You're two-hundred-plus years old. Grow up already!”

Angel growled. “Just remember what I told you, okay?” At that, Angel turned and stalked off.

Xander snorted, and muttered about vampires, and their cool exiting powers as he stalked into his house.

~~~~~

Xander closed the front door gently, and quickly scanned the room. His father was passed out on the couch, with the TV still on, but quiet. His mother, though, was just inside the door, looking … concerned? Xander was still trying to figure it out when his mother grabbed him by the arm, dragged him into the kitchen, and sat him at the table before sitting down opposite him.

“What did he have to say? How did he find you?” she whispered harshly.

Xander stared at his mother, baffled. “Who?” he whispered back.

“Angel!”

Xander sat back, a thrill of fear streaking through him. “How do you know Angel?”

Jessica Harris sat back also. “How do you know Angel?” she asked, as if things had suddenly ceased to make sense.

“Uh... I've known him for a year now. Something like that. Kind of a friend of a friend. That's who we were talking about.”

His mother's hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, god,” she murmured. “He doesn't know. How could he not know.”

“Mom,” Xander leaned forward, getting worried, “you need to tell me what's going on. How do you know Angel?” he repeated.

“He's your father.”
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