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The Umpteen Affairs Of Valentine’s

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This story is No. 3 in the series "Cracky Holidays". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Take the twelve days of Valentine’s, patterned after the twelve days of Christmas. Add cracky pairings. Blend with DC Comics. Add more crack. Shake and stir. Sprinkle liberally with yet more crack, and oddball pairings. Read, boggle, and…enjoy.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Teen Titans(Past Donor)AmarinRoseFR1815,877018048 Jun 108 Jun 10Yes
The DC Comics Players proudly present:

The Umpteen Affairs Of Valentine’s
A Crack-Fic Production

Sequel to The Thirteen Pranks Of Halloween

***


With a cast featuring:
(None of which fandoms are owned by, or make money for, the author)

The Batclan
The JLI/Super-Buddies
Marvel Comics
The Teen Titans
The Titans
And numerous multiples of characters from various continuities.

With cameos by characters from:

The JLU
The Legion of Super-Heroes
Runaways
The Toon Titans
Various fics by
X-Men
The Young Avengers
And (intrusions) contributions from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Fics referenced include:

The Horny Virus Fic by Gaymuffin (Billy/Teddy, Tommy/Kate/Eli, Cassie/Vision)
The Lisaverse by Lisa (Roy/Cass)
The Mulletverse by Doctor V (Booster/Beetle, Junior/Goldie, Danny/Bubbles)
Where The Heart Is by Mara Greengrass (Roy/Cass)

Fics also mentioned briefly:

Despite Every Effort by Pervy Fic Girl (Mar’i Grayson, Lian Harper)
Familiar People by Kate The Tigress (Dick/Tim)
Rhetorical Questions by Rubynye (Tim/Kon/Steph)

***

PROLOGUE: No, Seriously, This Is The Last Time…

***

Backstage

Narrator: What are you doing? *puts hands on hips, glares* We have a show to do and you’re completely plastered!
Director: *slugging down peppermint schnapps* Start as you mean to go; and I mean to be drunk through this whole farce.
Narrator: -_- Let’s get this thing started, then…

On The Catwalk Above

Deadpool: *dances to Right Said Fred* I’m too sexy for my yellow boxe(r)s. *whips them off, revealing…pink boxe(r)s* *blushes* Er…without further ado… *scuttles into the wings*

***

ACT III, SCENE I: Third Verse, Same As The First; A Whole Lot Crackier And Thus Worse

***

On Stage

On the first day of Valentine’s, two people fell in love…

Narrator: With a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: *tugging on Tim’s right arm* He’s mine!
Kon-El: *tugging on Tim’s left arm* No, he’s mine!
Tim Drake: *bewildered* Uh…don’t I get a say in this?
Steph & Kon: No! *go back to fighting*
Tim Drake: -_-

On the second day of Valentine’s, three people fell in love…

Narrator: With two broody Bats….

Catwoman: *purrs* Hello, my Dark Knight.
Black Canary: *pouts* I thought he was mine?
Catwoman: *shrugs* I saw him first.
Batman: *baffled* Don’t I get a say in this?
Catwoman & Black Canary: No!

Cassandra Cain: *huffs* I not brood!
Roy Harper. *leers* You are a beauty, though.
Cassandra Cain: *blushes*

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: *growls* He’s been my canon boyfriend for years.
Kon-El: *huffs* All the fangirls want him with me.
Tim Drake: *mutters under breath* Doesn’t anyone care what I want?

Backstage

Director: *hiccups* I do, kid… *having finished off the peppermint schnapps, he is now drinking straight scotch*
Narrator: *sighs, proceeds to pour water into the other bottles of scotch*

On Stage

On the third day of Valentine’s, four people fell in love…

Narrator: With three former sidekicks…

Nightwing: *climbs in Clocktower window* Hi, Babs!
Barbara Gordon: Hi, honey. *smooch*
Roy Harper: Hey, short pants, how’s it going? *smooches Nightwing*
Barbara Gordon: *glares*
Nightwing: *dumbfounded* Uh…I thought you were with Cass?
Roy Harper: *shrugs* Writer couldn’t decide, so I’m doing double duty.
Nightwing: *frowns* How?
Roy Harper: That’s Lisaverse Roy. You get the canon version.

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Cassandra Cain: Hi, Speedy.
Roy Harper: *grins* Hey, Bat-Babe.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: *getting in Kon’s face* Maybe he doesn’t like guys.
Kon-El: *getting back in Steph’s face* Maybe he doesn’t like girls.
Tim Drake: *sighs as he watches them* Maybe I should never have realized I was bisexual.

On the fourth day of Valentine’s, five people fell in love…

Narrator: With four Green Lanterns…

Kyle Rayner: Uh…so…you really?
Connor Hawke: *blushes* Er…yes.
Kyle Rayner: *grins* Cool. *pecks cheek*
Connor Hawke: *blushes brighter, smiles* Isn’t it, though?

Molly Scott: I fall in love with you more every day.
Alan Scott: *wraps arm around waist* Me too, dear.

Hal Jordan: *looks high and low* *scratches head* Uh, who…?
Carol Ferris: *drops out of sky* Hey there, stud!
Hal Jordan: O.O *grins* Hey there, babe.
Carol Ferris: C’mere, flyboy. *lays a wet one on him*

Backstage

Director: *blinks bloodshot eyes* At least the sky jockey is happy… *sighs*

On Stage

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Poseidonis

Dolphin: Cerdian, have you seen your father?
Cerdian: *giggles*
Garth of Shayeris: *swims up behind his wife and wraps her in a hug* Just getting you your Valentine’s present, dear. *holds out box*
Dolphin: *looks at golden shell-shaped locket inside the box* Oh, it’s beautiful, Garth…
Garth of Shayeris: *loops necklace around her neck* No more so than you, love. *kisses cheek*

On Stage

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Wayne Manor

Dinah Lance: *glares* I’ve worked with him for years.
Selina Kyle: *growls* I’ve let him chase me across rooftops for years while you and Arrowboy kept breaking up to make up!
Dinah Lance: *flushes*
Bruce Wayne: *thinking* Having two women fight over you isn’t as hot as the pornos make it seem…

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: *sighs, puts hands on hips* Maybe we could share? Half of Tim is better than a whole one of any other guy.
Kon-El: *grimaces* I agree with the last half, but no way on the first. I don’t want to share anything as important as Tim.
Tim Drake: *still hates being treated like a piece of furniture, but appreciates the compliments* I’m getting a kinda déjà vu feeling…

On the fifth day of Valentine’s, six people fell in love…

Narrator: With five golden beings…

J-Lo: *clasps pincers, ocular orbs staring at her master adoringly* Oh, how I love you, your loveliness!
Manga Khan: Huh?

L-Ron: *coughs* Your most high self-centeredness, might you be interested in going for a stroll in the park this afternoon?
Maxwell Lord IV: *blinks* *goes back over the wording of the verse* Uh, Ronnie, isn’t someone supposed to fall in love with you?
L-Ron: Yes, but considering that so far in this song Guy Gardner and G’Nort are both single, I’m being proactive.
Maxwell Lord IV: Ah. Okay.
L-Ron: Excellent!

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Guy Gardner: Icey! *hugs him*
Tora Olafasdotter: *giggles* Oh, Guy…
Beatriz DaCosta: *sighs* There’s no way I’m in love with Guy, but as long as she’s happy, I’m willing to share her with him. *hugs her other side*

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Donna Troy: *mopes*
Lian Harper: Auntie Donna, are you okay?
Donna Troy: *musters a smile* Sure, sweetie, just…feeling kinda low.
Lian Harper: Why?
Donna Troy: Because it’s Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a sweetheart.
Lian Harper: *climbs up into her lap; snuggles in* You have me.
Donna Troy: *smiles for real* Yeah, I do, don’t I?

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Selina Kyle: *hisses and claws*
Dinah Lance: *pulls hair and screeches*
Bruce Wayne: *hides grin as he watches the ‘catfight’ in front of him*

Backstage

Director: Hic! Sure don’t look like he’s broodin’ ta me.
Wolverine: *swipes the bottle of Jim Beam; takes a swig and settles in to watch the show* Me either, bub.

On Stage

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: We have to come up with some fair way to decide who gets him.
Kon-El: *smirks* We could arm-wrestle for him.
Stephanie Brown: *scowls* I said a fair way, Super-Idiot.
Kon-El: *glowers* Bring it on, blondie.
Tim Drake: *sighs* Why don’t they just ask me to choose?

Backstage

Director: Yeah, why don’t they? *waves just-opened bottle of rum around*
Will Turner: Probably because he can’t decide. *sighs, takes a gulp of his own bottle of rum, makes a face* *thinks of Jack and Elizabeth* I know I can’t…

On the sixth day of Valentine’s, seven people fell in love…

Narrator: With six shape-shifters…

Indigo: Hello, Shift. *giggles*
Shift: *jaw drops, eyes widen to comical proportions* Indy? But you’re…
Indigo: *nods* This is what is called ‘limbo’; everyone exists here, both living and not.
Shift: *reforms, wraps around her* Then I want to live here forever…
Indy: Oh, Shift…

Narrator: …five golden beings…

Gar Logan: Vic! You’re…gold again. *scratches head* And hot. *glomps*
Victor Stone: *decides that he doesn’t care how it happened* *glomps back*

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Kyle Rayner: *cuddling with his beau* Does this mean Lian is my niece-in-law?
Connor Hawke: Not unless you’re planning to marry me.
Kyle Rayner: *musingly* It is legal in Star City now, isn’t it?

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Dick Grayson: o.O You locked yourself in the closet to figure out our little cluster fuck?
Barbara Gordon: *shrugs* I figured either the need for food or the bathroom would eventually make him crack.
Dick Grayson: And?
Roy Harper: *smirks* She cracked first.
Barbara Gordon: *growls, elbows him* We’ve decided. I’ll get you Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and Roy will get you Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Dick Grayson: *mind whirling* What about Sunday?
Roy Harper: That day you get to rest, vato. You’re gonna need it. *grins*
Dick Grayson: *gulp*

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Cassandra Cain: *frowns* I don’t want to share you with Dick.
Roy Harper: You won’t have to, doll; that’s a different version of me they’re fighting over. *wraps arm around waist*
Cassandra Cain: Still…it’s weird.
Roy Harper: *gives one-shouldered shrug* What isn’t, when it comes to us?
Cassandra Cain: Point.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Tim Drake: I need a drink.

Director: *tips up empty bottle* Where has all my rum gone?
Narrator: *facepalms* I think he has it. *points*
Captain Jack Sparrow: *belches* Aye, ‘ello, luv. *grins, showing yellow teeth*
Narrator: -_- Go try those lines on Elizabeth. Or Will.

On the seventh day of Valentine’s, eight people fell in love…

Narrator: With seven speedsters…

Titans Tower

Bart Allen: Am I finally gonna get to have a relationship?
Rose Wilson: *winks eye* Definitely.
Carol Bucklen: Ditto.
Bart Allen: O.o Uh…both of you?
Mia Dearden: *leans over Rose’s shoulder* All three of us.
Rose & Carol: *shrug* Why not?
Mia Dearden: As fast as you are, there’s definitely enough to go around. *grins*
Bart Allen: *grins back, shakily* Duuuuude…

Keystone City

Jay Garrick: Where’s Bart?
Joan Garrick: I think he’s on a date.
Jay Garrick: With whom?
Joan Garrick: *shrugs* Does it matter? We’ve got some…alone time.
Jay Garrick: *grins*

On Stage

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Victor Stone: *cuddles with cat-Gar* Love you, Greenjeans.
Garfield Logan: *purrs* Love you too, Rustbucket.

Narrator: …five golden beings…

The Creeper: *bounces around* Yay, I’m in a fic! *grins manically*

The Joker: *frowns* Who’d be crazy enough to love that nut?

Harley Quinn: *after the Joker has left* I would! He treats me a lot nicer than Mistah J.
The Creeper: *wraps Harley in bear-hug* I shall love her and squeeze her and give her lots of pretty stolen gifts!
Harley Quinn: *giggles, then puts on a mock-serious expression* I like dark chocolates and I prefer satin over lace. No flowers or Pammy might get jealous.
The Creeper: *blinks* Pammy, huh? *leers* Rowr! Tell her she can ‘get jealous’ any time.

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

G’Nort: Am I the fourth?
Aresia: No, I am! *shoves him out of the scene*
Oliver Queen: Hal’s already taken, sweetheart.
Aresia: *pouts*
Oliver Queen: *sighs in commiseration* Yeah, I know; the Writer must really have it in for me.
Aresia: Oh?
Oliver Queen: Mm-hm. First my Pretty Bird gets sent off to fight over Bats with Catwoman, and then she hooks Hal up with his ex.
Aresia: Well…it is Valentine’s Day…and no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day…
Oliver Queen: *is a master manipulator* Definitely no one as pretty as you. *chucks her under the chin*
Aresia: *giggles fetchingly*

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Roy Harper: So, are you going to move to Star City, or am I going to move to Gotham?
Barbara Gordon: I think we should both move to Metropolis; Superman’s a lot less…intrusive.
Roy Harper: Point. Plus, Lian likes him.
Barbara Gordon: *perks up* Ooooh, does this mean I’m a stepmom-in-law?
Roy Harper: *shrugs* Don’t ask me; I have no clue what normal family relationships are like.

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Cassandra Cain: Am I a stepmom?
Roy Harper: Only if we get married. *thinks* Er…
Cassandra Cain: *grins* Yes.
Roy Harper: *melts* Cool.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: What do I have to do to make you choose me, Tim? Get a boob job?
Tim Drake: Err…
Kon-El: Not that I think she needs one, but what do I have to do to get you to choose me? Dress in drag and do the hula?
Stephanie Brown: *giggles* You’d take seduction advice from a Disney movie instead of a porno?
Kon-El: *blushes* Umm…
Tim Drake: *tries to become one with the wall*

On the eighth day of Valentine’s, nine people fell in love…

Narrator: With eight cybernetic beings…

Red Tornado: Who…?
Kathy Sutton: John. *kisses cheek* It’s so good to see you again.
Traya: I love you, Daddy! *hugs*

Narrator: …seven speedsters…

Xavier Institute

Jean-Paul Beaubier: *sighs*
Bobby Drake: What’s got you down?
Jean-Paul Beaubier: My lack of a love life.
Bobby Drake: *blinks* Oh. *sly look* Maybe I can fix that.
Jean-Paul Beaubier: How?
Bobby Drake: *kisses him*
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *blinks* *grins* Oh.

Keystone City

Wally West: I love you, Linda.
Linda Park-West: Love you, too. *kisses*
Park-West Twins: *cry* WAH!
Wally & Linda: *sigh*

On Stage

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Eel O’Brien: *scratches head* Y’know, I really don’t want to run into Angel again… *smiles sickly*
Woozy Winks: Don’t worry, m’man, she ain’t here.
Eel O’Brien: *cranes head around to look* Oh?
Woozy Winks: *grins* Nope, it’s just you and me.
Eel O’Brien: *blinks, grins back* Ooooh…

Narrator: …five golden beings…

J-Lo: So, Khan – may I call you Khan?
Manga Khan: Of course, my dear.
J-Lo: *starry-eyed* Khan, do you ever thinking about building children?
Manga Khan: *gulps*

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

John Stewart: *paces in front of the door to his room* *perks up* Finally! You’re late.
Shayera Hol: *tosses head* Punctuality wasn’t such a big deal on Thanagar.
John Stewart: You were the one who wanted to see this movie! *eyes trenchcoat, frowns* It’s on Pay-Per-View; you don’t have to disguise yourself.
Shayera Hol: *starts unbuttoning trenchcoat as she walks forward, causing him to walk backward into his room* Actually, I was thinking we could just call it an early night… *door closes behind her as the coat falls to floor, revealing feathers and not much else*
John Stewart: *nods dumbly* Sounds good.

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Donna Troy: Pass the butter pecan, would you, Star?
Starfire: Sure, Donna.
Raven Roth: *digging through the cupboards* Don’t we have any more magic chocolate shell?
Toni Monetti: There might be some in the fridge. *takes a bite of rocky road bliss* Mmm…ice cream beats out boys every time.
Grant Emerson: *glares over his bowl of Neapolitan* Hey!

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Dinah Lance: *glares*
Selina Kyle: *glares*
Bruce Wayne: *gulps* Er…ladies?
Dinah & Selina: Who do you choose?
Bruce Wayne: Ulp.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: If you choose me, we could have a threesome with Cass!
Kon-El: If you choose me, we could have a threesome with Cassie!
Tim Drake: *blanches* Uh…

On the ninth day of Valentine’s, ten people fell in love…

Narrator: With nine aliens…

Clark Kent: *adjusts tie* Lois, we’re going to be late!
Lois Lane-Kent: For what? It’s not like there’s a chorus, Smallville.
Clark Kent: *sighs* *watches his wife enter the room* *jaw drops*
Lois Lane-Kent: *wearing sheer black teddy* Why don’t we just stay in tonight? *grins saucily*
Clark Kent: *nods dumbly*

Starfire: *sitting in room full of mail* Ah, another love letter! I do so like this ‘fan mail.’
Gar Logan: *sighs* Yeah, I wish I could say the same… *stares gloomily at miniscule pile of his own*
Victor Stone: *presses ‘Send’ on his ridiculously sappy email* It isn’t the quantity, saladhead, it’s the quality. *grins*

Narrator: …eight cybernetic beings…

Maxwell Lord IV: Now that you’re safe from Gardner, are you going to leave me alone?
L-Ron: There’s still G’Nort to consider, your most efficacious rude one.
Maxwell Lord IV: You don’t honestly think the Writer would pair him with anyone…do you? *grimaces*
L-Ron: No, but I don’t trust the Director not to have rewritten the script while under the influence of the various alcoholic beverages he has been imbibing, your most sobering studly self.
Maxwell Lord IV: *blinks* Er…okay.

Backstage

Director: *hearing his name, perks up* Hey, ishn’t dey supposhed to be in the fifth verse?
Narrator: L-Ron is the fifth verse; Max gets tagged by the eighth one, so they can show up in both.
Director: Hmm… *attention is already lost, now being focused on the worm in his bottle of tequila*
Narrator: *sighs, goes back to singing*

On Stage

Narrator: …seven speedsters…

Max Mercury: Oh, no. I remember what happened the last time I fell in love…
Helena Claiborne: Me! *hugs him* It’s great to have you back, Dad.
Bart Allen: Yeah, Max! *glomps them both*
Max Mercury: *flushes* Yes, well… *tentatively hugs back*

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Ralph Dibny: *ears wiggle* What the fuck?
Sue Dibny: *giggles* I suppose since it’s me nearby and not a mystery…
Ralph Dibny: Sue! *glomps her* *ears continue moving* Light of my life, apple of my eye, song of my heart…
Sue Dibny: *starts humming*
Ralph Dibny: *ears dance in time to the tune*

Narrator: …five golden beings…

Victor Stone: So, would you still love me if I wasn’t gold?
Garfield Logan: Would you still love me if I wasn’t green?
Vic & Gar: *grin sappily at each other*

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Hal Jordan: So, you want to go for a flight?
Carol Ferris: I don’t want to have to drive all the way down to the airstrip now, Hal.
Hal Jordan: *ring flashes, and they rise into the sky* I wasn’t referring to a plane, Carol…
Carol Ferris: *eyes wide* Oh…wow.
Hal Jordan: Much safer than a plane, even one flown by yours truly. *grins* And the Mile High Club is a whole lot easier to join…

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Poseidonis

Garth of Shayeris: Sure, I’ll watch Lian for you tomorrow, Roy. Will you watch Cer for me tonight?
Roy Harper: *over comm* Sure thing, Gillhead. Oh, and once we get moved into the new place, I’m throwing a party!
Barbara Gordon: Oh, no you’re not!
Garth of Shayeris: *frowns* Roy, who’s that?
Roy Harper: *glares* Someone ‘Wing convinced me to play nice with.
Garth of Shayeris: *mystified, but when it comes to his teammates, that’s nothing new* O…kay.

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Wayne Manor

Lian Harper: Why’re you upset, Cass?
Cassandra Cain: I don’t know where your father is, and I’m afraid Bruce might have done something to him.
Lian Harper: Daddy’s out shopping, and Grampa Bruce is busy with Granma Canary and Granma Catty.
Cassasndra Cain: *blinks away the mental images* Uh…

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Stephanie Brown: *sighs* So we can’t share, and he can’t choose between us…
Kon-El: *kicks wall; blanches as it falls over, revealing Deadpool dancing around in his boxers for Siryn* *whirls around, whistling innocently as his TTK puts the wall back in place* If only there were two of him…
Tim Drake: *thinky face* Hmmm…

On the tenth day of Valentine’s, eleven people fell in love…

Narrator: With ten former villains…

Deadpool: Huh? I think of myself as more of an ‘anti-hero’ actually.
Siryn: I like to think of you as mine, luv. *smooches*
Deadpool: *blushes* Oh. ‘Kay.

Narrator: …nine aliens…

Teddy Altman: You know, I might technically be an alien, but for, like, the first fifteen years of my life, I thought I was human. Do I still count?
Billy Kaplan: *shrugs* I guess the Writer thinks that you’re close enough.

Director: *whimpers and tries to drown himself in his bottle of absinthe* More Marvel misfits…
Narrator: *shrugs* Actually, dudes, the Writer just thinks you both are too cute. *smiles* So do I.

Billy Kaplan: *blushes* Well, that’s…nice. I guess.
Teddy Altman: *grins* Cool.

Bubbles: *gurgles a giggle* I love you, Danny. *wraps blue tentacle-arms around him*
Daniel Carter-Kord: *grins* Love you, too, Bubbles. *hugs back*

Narrator: …eight cybernetic beings…

Victor Mancha: *thinks* Nico? She’s canon, after all.
Molly Hayes: Nuh-uh, she’s not!
Victor Mancha: *flushes* Er, actually, Molly…
Molly Hayes: Not ‘til waaaay after…stuff. And the Writer really likes Gert, so that stuff hasn’t happened yet.
Victor Mancha: Oh. Then who…?
Molly Hayes: *glomps him* Silly robot. I love you.
Victor Mancha: *dumbfounded* Oh. I, uh, love you too, kid.

Narrator: …seven speedsters…

Jean-Paul Beaubier: Mon dieu, Bobby! *shivers in pleasure*
Bobby Drake: *grins and shimmies* Told you you’d love ice-play, JP.

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Chameleon: *sighs*
Jekka: Oh, Reep, you know I love you…
Chameleon: *smiles lopsidedly* Like a friend, yes, Jekkie?
Jekka: *smirks* Yes, of course…but then you have Ayla for the other kind of love.
Chameleon: *blinks* She’s…here?
Ayla Ranzz: *appears from out of nowhere, like lightning* Hi, Cham!
Jekka: *slithers away* I’ll just leave you two lovebirds alone, shall I?
Chameleon: *grins dopily*

Narrator: …five golden beings…

The Creeper: What’s up, babe?
Harley Quinn: *looks up* You are, Creepy.
The Creeper: *swings from the chandelier* All the better to look down your shirt, my dear!
Harley Quinn: *huffs* Well, then I’ll just take off my shirt, so’s you can’t look down it.
The Creeper: *fakes a frown* Aw, shucks.

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Kyle Rayner: Okay, Wally’s gonna be my best man, and Roy’s going to be yours, right?
Connor Hawke: Right. Lian will be the flower girl, and Dad will perform the ceremony.
Kyle Rayner: Cool. *takes a deep breath* Now all we have to do is tell our mothers.
Connor Hawke: *thinks about how their small wedding could quickly turn into a three-ring circus under their mothers’ ‘help’* Oh, boy.

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Wally West: *tiptoeing across the bedroom towards the bed* The kids are asleep.
Linda Park-West: *grins* Then c’mere, stud.
Wally West: *laughs softly and speeds into her arms – naked* Whatever the lady wants. *kisses her*
Linda Park-West: I want you to be very very quiet…and slow.
Wally West: *grins* You got it, babe.

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Roy Harper: Okay, Dick’s gonna be my best man, and Steph is gonna be your maid of honor, right?
Cassandra Cain: Yup. And Lian will be the flower girl.
Roy Harper: Can Mia and Connor be the ushers?
Cassandra Cain: *checks list given to her by Alfred* We need four, so Mia and Connor, and…Jason and Tim. *nods*
Roy Harper: *blinks* Since when is Jay sane?
Cassandra Cain: The Writer likes him that way.
Roy Harper: *shrugs* Whatever.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Kon-El: *scratches head* Hey, where’d Tim go?
Stephanie Brown: I don’t know. *huffs, glares* Maybe you scared him off.
Kon-El: *glowers* No, you scared him off!
Stephanie Brown: No, you!
Kon-El: No, you!

Director: *snorts into his vodka* I think you both did.

On the eleventh day of Valentine’s, twelve people fell in love…

Narrator: With eleven second-gen superheroes…

Director: *blinks fuzzily* Thash kids of supaheroes that’re also supaheroes, right?
Narrator: *eyes him* Yeah.
Director: I don’t dink dere are eleben of ‘em.
Narrator: Then the first generation superheroes need to get to having babies, dammit. Or… *thinks* Well, there’s always AUs.
Director: *winces* *sighs* *swigs more vodka*

Titans Tower

Mar’i Grayson: *sniffles* My daddy doesn’t even know me in this universe.
Lian Harper: I do! *hugs*
Mar’i Grayson: *smiles* Really?
Lian Harper: Uh-huh.

On Stage

Narrator: …ten former villains…

James: It’s nice to have a quiet night in for once.
Hartley Rathaway: Mm. Normally I don’t like silence, but… *snuggles in* …I like just being with you.
James: *blushes* I love you too, Piper.

Narrator: …nine aliens…

Lyle Norg: Brainy?
Brainiac 5: Mmm? *types rapidly on computer*
Lyle Norg: How do Coluans conduct courting rituals?
Brainiac 5: *absently, most attention focused on his calculations* The direct approach is appreciated by most of my brethren. The Sleepnet actually has quite a large personals section.
Lyle Norg: But, oh, say…someone coming up to someone else and saying, “I like you, would you go out with me?” is perfectly acceptable without any preliminaries.
Brainiac 5: Yes, quite. *peers at screen* What? *goes back over their conversation* Lyle, what did you… *turns around*
Lyle Norg: *kisses him on the lips* I like you, Brainy. Go out with me?
Brainiac 5: *blinks* I…yes. *blushes, smiles*

Narrator: …eight cybernetic beings…

Cassie Lang: *singsongs* Oh, Vision…
Vision II: Yes, Cassie?
Cassie Lang: *holds out heart-shaped circuit board* Be my Valentine?
Vision II: *blushes as well as his metal faceplate can* Er… *tugs rose-bedecked box of chocolates from under his cape and offers it* …if you will be mine?
Cassie Lang: *♥ ♥ in eyes* Of course I will…

Narrator: …seven speedsters…

Tommy Sheppard: Hey, what about me?
Eli Bradley: Don’t look at me! *secretly checks out Tommy’s ass*
Kate Bishop: *sighs* All right… *pecks Tommy on cheek*
Eli Bradley: *steams with jealousy*
Tommy Sheppard: I rule! *glomps Kate, who doesn’t seem to mind…much*
Eli Bradley: *grumbles under breath* Everyone seems to be getting some – except me. What, is the Majesdanian flu going around again?

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Adam Evans: *stretching neck up stairs; yells* Sharon, we’re gonna be late for the premier!
Sharon Hawkins: *grumbles, tweaks hair in mirror* Keep your pants on, Stringer! Perfection takes time.
Adam Evans: *sighs to self* But honey, you’re already perfect!
Sharon Hawkins: *melts* Oh, that’s so sweet… *steels herself* But I just can’t do anything with my hair. Hang on just a minute.
Adam Evans: *recoils back to his body; slumps into puddle on the couch* ‘Just a minute’; yeah, right.

Narrator: …five golden beings…

Ben Grimm: *eyes rocklike form* I think I’m more orange-colored, really.
Alicia Masters: *cuddles up to him* You’re worth your weight in gold to me!
Ben Grimm: *grins* Well…just fer you, darlin’. I’ll be gold.

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Guy’s Bedroom

Guy Gardner: *snoring softly, big sappy grin on his face*
Tora Olafsdotter: *curled up between him and Fire* Mmm, now that’s the way to celebrate coming back to life! *giggles*
Beatriz DaCosta: *blushes* It was certainly…lively.
Tora Olafsdotter: *grins* See? *pokes bared breast* I told you that if you just gave Guy a chance, you’d like him. Guy’s a sweetheart, really.
Beatriz DaCosta: It’s not his heart I’m thinking of…*leers* And you’re right, I do like him; as long as his mouth is occupied so he can’t talk.
Tora Olafsdotter: *blushes, grins*

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Titans Tower

Donna Troy: Are you – oh! – sure this is a good idea?
Raven Roth: Yeah, Star, I’m not so – ooooh! – sure about this.
Starfire: *smiles, continues pleasuring her friends* We have been consuming ice cream all evening, not alcohol. Also, we are friends, are we not?
Donna Troy: Well, I… *shudders* Mmm, you may have a point, Kory.
Raven Roth: S-s-s-several of them! *arches up* Ooooooh…

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Selina Kyle: Have you decided yet, Bats?
Dinah Lance: *taps foot* Yes, have you?
Bruce Wayne: *fits final part into dimensional portal and presses the start button* *out pops another Batman* Here, you can have him. *shoves the other Batman towards Catwoman* He’s from the animated continuity, and Black Canary is already with Green Arrow there.
Dinah Lance: *eyes light up* So this means…
Bruce Wayne: *smiles* Yes.

Selina Kyle: *eyes her Bat; notices the aura of brooding is much less* Hmmm… *catty smirk* Methinks kitty got the best prize – and it isn’t the canary.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Raven Roth: Are you sure about this?
Tim Drake: Yes. *worriedly* Will it work?
Raven Roth: This is fanfic; whatever the Writer wants, goes.
Tim Drake: *still worried* That’s a yes, right?

On the twelfth day of Valentine’s, thirteen people fell in love…

Narrator: With twelve random metahumans…

Booster Gold: Finally, we get to appear!
Blue Beetle: *eyes him* The entire Halloween episode was about us.
Booster Gold: Yeah, but the Writer never technically got us together.
Blue Beetle: She did here. I mean, if our grandkids exist *points up two verses at Bubbles and Danny* then so do we.
Booster Gold: *growls* Tell that to Kid Flash!
Blue Beetle: *frowns* Point. *mutters* I hate it when he’s right…
Booster Gold: And we aren’t even metas!

Narrator: *mumbles* Shut up and be happy the Writer didn’t forget you!

Booster & Beetle: *grumble, but do so*

Massachusetts Academy

Victor Borkowski: Cool! I’m actually in a fic by someone other than Dork Side Fiker.
Max Jordan: You’re also actually getting a date.
Victor Borkowski: *blinks* Really? With who?
Max Jordan: *sighs* C’mere, you!
Victor Borkowski: Oh? Ooooohhh…

On Stage

Narrator: …eleven second-gen superheroes…

Mar’i Grayson: I’m bored.
Lian Harper: Me too. *face scrunches up* Y’wanna get some cookies?
Mar’i Grayson: *nods* Uh-uh. I’m not hungry.
Lian Harper: *thinks* My daddy’s takin’ care of Cerdian this week; we could go play with him.
Mar’i Grayson: *lights up* Cool.

Narrator: …ten former villains…

Scott Summers: *clears throat* Er…these are for you. *thrusts box towards her*
Emma Frost: *eyes the white heart-shaped box* Thank you. *pauses* These had better not have nuts in them.
Scott Summers: *rolls eyes behind glasses* They don’t. They’re white chocolate, just like you like.
Emma Frost: *smiles* Mmm, I do like white chocolate…and you.
Scott Summers: *smiles back*

Narrator: …nine aliens…

Xavin: *thoughtfully* Which of us is the alien in this situation?
Karolina Dean: Hmmm… I suppose we both are.
Xavin: Ah. *hugs her close* Then I suppose since I have already fallen in love with you, I should demonstrate it. *kisses cheek*
Karolina Dean: *melts, aura flaring in happiness* Go right ahead, honey.

Narrator: …eight cybernetic beings…

Maxwell Lord IV: It’s the last verse, Ronnie, surely you can stop this farce now?
L-Ron: *sighs metallically* This is not a farce, o oblivious one. *proffers bouquet of origami orchids*
Maxwell Lord IV: Huh? *sniffs appreciatively of the perfumed paper*
L-Ron: For some reason, unknown even to me and most probably all the Gods on high…I. Like. You.
Maxwell Lord IV: *boggles* Oh…

Narrator: …seven speedsters…

Koko: Koko! *wraps tail around neck*
XS: *smiles sadly* Yeah, you love me, don’t you? *door-comm beeps* Who could that be? *door swishes open to reveal…a box?
Koko: Koko?
XS: I don’t know, Koko. *opens box to find a handmade paper valentine* Oh…how sweet. If only I can remember my English… Wait. English?
Ferro: *peeps in door* Er…hi.
XS: ♥ Hiiiii… *giggles*

Narrator: …six shape-shifters…

Chameleon: I love you, Ayla.
Ayla Ranzz: Love you too, Cham. *pecks his cheek* I’m so happy.
Chameleon: Me too. Everyone should be this happy.
Ayla Ranzz: Then we’d be out of jobs! But hmm…maybe we could start with Jeka.
Chameleon: Play matchmaker? *wavers* Well…Val has expressed some interest…

Narrator: …five golden beings…

Maxwell Lord IV: After having given this considerable thought…okay.
L-Ron: *hopeful look* Okay?
Maxwell Lord IV: We can date. But this doesn’t mean you’re getting a raise!
L-Ron: *sighs long-sufferingly* I’m not getting paid to begin with, your tightwaddedness.
Maxwell Lord IV: *blinks* Oh. Right.

Narrator: …four Green Lanterns…

Oa

Kilowog: Bwuh?
Hal Jordan: Tell me you’re joking.
Guy Gardner: *smirks smugly* Nope; I got them both into bed!
Kilowog: How in the world did you manage that?
Guy Gardner: Well, Tora really likes Bea; it wasn’t that hard. *leers* I was, though. All. Night. Long.
Hal Jordan: *facepalms* I soooo did not need to hear that.

On Stage

Narrator: …three former sidekicks…

Dick Grayson: *ponders as he watches triplicated reflection in mirror on the ceiling* Why am I getting this sinking feeling of déjà vu?
Roy Harper: Because we haven’t worn you out enough, short pants? Or maybe we just need to try someone different… *digs in his quiver*
Dick Grayson: Er…
Barbara Gordon: *leers at them both* I’m with Speedy here, FBW. Accessories can be…fun. *presses a button by the bed; the bed begins to vibrate*
Dick Grayson: *melts* Oh.

Narrator: …two broody Bats…

Bruce Wayne: *tugs sheet up over them both* So, my dear…are you pleased?
Dinah Lance: *snuggles up to him* Immensely.

Catwoman: *purrs* My Dark Knight…
Batman: *clasps close* My Black Cat…
Catwoman: *arches brow* I’m luckier than that.
Batman: No, my dear; I believe I’m the lucky one.

Narrator: …and a Robin in Gotham City.

Kon-El: What’s that?
Raven Roth: Billy Numerous’ belt.
Stephanie Brown: *looks puzzled* Who’s he?
Raven: A villain from the animated continuity. My world.
Steph & Kon: And?
Raven: Tim asked me to help him – and you two – with your…problem. *holds out belt* You know what to do.
Tim Drake: *takes the offered belt; puts it on* Yup. *braces himself*
Raven: Ready?
Tim Drake: *nods*
Raven: Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos! *sends black energy towards belt*
Steph & Kon: Whoa.

When the magic faded, there were two Tims.

The Tim standing next to Steph was shorter, thinner, wore black ninja tabi boots, and had spiky black hair. The Tim standing next to Kon was taller, broader, wore green steel-toed boots, and didn’t use nearly as much product on his hair.

Tim One: Were you serious about that threesome with Cass?
Stephanie Brown: Definitely, Boyfriend Wonder. *grins* She’s hot.
Tim One: *grins back* Cool.

Tim Two: I don’t, actually, like Cassie like that.
Kon-El: *breathes sigh of relief* Great, man, ‘cause I don’t think she’d go for it anyway. *and also, the not wanting to share thing*
Tim Two: *evil smirk* Bart might, though.
Kon-El: O.o *thinks about Bart and sex* *thinks about sex with Bart – who vibrates* Whoa… *maybe a little sharing would be okay…*

Backstage

Director: *buried under a mound of empty alcohol bottles* Izzit over yet?
Narrator: Yes, it’s over. *eyes him* And you’re going to get alcohol poisoning. *sighs and dials 911* Where’s a superhero when you need one?
Elizabeth Swan: Having sex, apparently. *steals a half-full bottle of rum* Mind if I borrow this?
Narrator: *eyes her disarrayed petticoats and man’s shirt, which are failing to cover up the dozens of hickies on her body* Uh…no. *blinks* I take it you and Jack worked things out with Will?
Elizabeth Swan: *grins like a Cheshire Cat* You could say that… Thanks for the rum! *walks off*
Narrator: Anytime. Everyone gets laid but me. *eyes her snoozing boss* Then again, if he’s my only option… *shudders*

THE END



You can’t seriously expect more, can you?



No way. There isn’t enough crack in the world.



*sigh*

The End

You have reached the end of "The Umpteen Affairs Of Valentine’s". This story is complete.

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