Faking It Like a Middle-Aged Housewife
There is more than meets the eye to Miss Kitty Fantastico. As a life is threatened, will the Scoobs come to their senses?Timeline:
Season 4. It’s been a while since I watched it but I think (and if I’m wrong then oh well, I am changing bits of canon) this is after Willow & Tara began dating, the Scoobs knew Tara, but no one knew they were gfs just yet.Challenge: Miss Kitty Fantastico Bash Fic Challenge Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A Mr. Joss Whedon does and if he is reading this right now I would gladly trade my teenage brother for the copyright to Buffy. Joss: Think about it ;)A/N:
This Challenge is sooo ridiculous – I mean, a cat bashfic? Automatically I wholeheartedly approved! And as I read it over the wheels of my twisted mind began turning. And as we know, that road only leads to chaos…
She paced back and forth in her little cage as the fur rose along her spine. How dare those foul Humane Society volunteers place her in some eighteen by eight inch container? So what if she had attacked a wicked pigtailed and pug-nosed little brat with her claws of death? The foolish child should have known better than to yank on her tail!
Being a cat, for lack of a better phrase, sucked most of the time. She had been in this prison for a month and if she didn’t get out of her and solve her furry little problem then she was screwed.
That was why, when in walked two woman, she vowed to place nice – she needed to get out of this hell hole.
One of the women, with dark blond locks that fell in her face, was giggling at one of the kittens on the floor who was playing with a toy mouse. She grabbed her friend by the hand, who had flaming red hair that flipped above her shoulders, and pointed out the ridiculous suck up kitten who was now rubbing himself against their legs.‘Skanky brown-nosing bastard,’
she thought with disgust. ‘Two can play that game.’
With that she began letting out a keen wail of pain and misery that had the gullible women flocking to her cage like pigeons to breadcrumbs.
With an annoyed shake of her head, she reminded herself to focus and carry on in a pitiful manner that quickly had the women opening up the cage and picking her up. Within minutes of her purring, licking, and clutching their shirts, she had them wrapped around her finger.
A victorious feeling coursed through her veins as the redheaded pixie nuzzled her nose and adamantly declared:
“We’ll name her Miss Kitty Fantastico!”
“Tara! You here?” Willow called tentatively as she opened the door to her girlfriend’s dorm room.
Wow – girlfriend. Sometimes she was still shocked by thinking that. Yet, as much as it still shocked her in that ‘hey that’s different and still so different I can’t quite get to fesssing up to my friends!’, the statement felt inherently right.
With a tired sigh – Professor Walsh had assigned a ton of reading that Willow had just finished – she tossed her book bag on the ground. As her eyes swept the floor Willow was surprised to see Miss Kitty Fantastico diving under the bed. Puzzled, Willow eyed the place where she had been and noticed several magic books strewn on the floor.
“That’s weird,” she mused out loud as she began putting the books away. “Tara’s usually so neat.” Then she glanced under the bed and giggled. “Unless you’re the one reading the magic books, Miss Kitty Fantastic?”
In a sudden movement Miss Kitty Fantastic leapt up into Willow’s arms and began purring fervently. Willow couldn’t help but giggle at her silly kitty and quickly petted her tiny body as it vibrated with each contented purr. They had owned her for several weeks now and it was clear that Miss Kitty Fantastico was the best choice that day in the animal shelter. She was a sweet, docile creature and highly affectionate – everything a person could want in a pet.
As she purred, Miss Kitty Fantastico felt like a middle-aged wife having to fake yet another orgasm for a clueless and bothersome husband. As Willow stroked her – which, alright, did feel rather nice – she fumed silently about how the witch had nearly caught her in the act. Typically this was the period of time where she was alone but of course
just as she was getting close to finding the spell Willow would have to walk in!
It took every will of her being not to claw the woman’s green eyes out and snack on them for lunch.
“Oh, she’s so cute,” Willow beamed at Tara as they began the walk up to Giles’ front door. “Where did you ever find that little bonnet?”
“Pet store,” Tara answered with a twinkling smile. “I saw it and thought that something so fantastic was destined for Miss Kitty Fantastico.”
Willow giggled as she held the cat travelling crate aloft and peered at her cute kitty who was decked out in a pink and white polka dotted hat that was strapped underneath her chin. It was unfortunate that she looked so sour about her make-over but Willow knew that Miss Kitty Fantastico would come to appreciate it someday.
“Hey everyone!” Willow called cheerfully as she pushed open the door. Anya and Xander were cuddling on the couch, Buffy was munching on some chips, and Giles was sipping a drink that Willow suspected was alcoholic – the former watcher seemed to be taking this ‘Man of Leisure’ thing pretty darn seriously.
“Hey,” they all greeted Willow and Tara. Well, except for Giles who as a British man was unable to utter such a modern and abbreviated greeting.
“Good afternoon Willow and Tara. Is this your feline that you were speaking about the other day?”
“Yuppers!” Willow grinned madly as she set the crate on the counter. “Tara and I got her a month ago and she is seriously the cuuuuutest little thing you ever did see. Her name is Miss Kitty Fantastico.”
Buffy wrinkled her nose. “Miss Kitty Fantastico? That is
super cute but isn’t it kind of long? Can I call her Miss KF?”
“Miss KF if you’re nasty!” Xander sang out. Upon seeing four bewildered looks he shrugged. “What? A man can’t listen to a little Janet Jackson every once in a while?”
Shaking her head with a smile – Xander really did have the most random pop culture knowledge – she asked, “Wanna meet her?”
“I am pleased to see any pet of yours as long as it is not a bunny,” Anya said with a solemn nod. “In fact, I rather like cats. They eat bunnies, did you know?”
Willow and Buffy exchanged a bemused look – Neither of them were used to the weirdness of Anya and both were unsure about her role in Xander’s life. She was just so… odd.
“You don’t like bunnies?” Tara said with a small frown.
Anya’s eyes widened dramatically. “Are you kidding? They are evil creatures with dastardly long ears and shady, beady little eyes.”
Willow couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like Giles was muttering under his breath, “Figures that a bloody vengeance demon would be frightened of little furry rabbits.”
“Well good thing we do not own a bunny,” Willow answered as she threw a discreet wink towards Tara.
“Come on, I want to see the kitty!” Buffy said with glee. “Ever since I heard the story about Angel and that puppy I’ve always been too paranoid to get a pet. Therefore, I must get vicarious pet ownership through you two.”
Willow laughed. “No problem, Buffy.”
Unclasping the crate door she called out her cat in a soothing voice. “Come on out Miss Kitty Fantastico.” The black and white speckled cat crept out slowly as her eyes blinked to focus in the bright light. “Come on, I want you to meet Xander, Anya, Buffy, and Giles.”
Upon hearing the last two names, Miss Kitty Fantastico’s shackles rose and she hissed venomously. Before Willow could even make sense of her reaction, Miss Kitty Fantastico was leaping towards Buffy’s face with outstretched claws.TO BE CONTINUED….
Just who IS Miss Kitty Fantastico and why does she hate Buffy & Giles? Coming up next!
Not sure if this is a bash fic yet… but I *think* it might qualify… You can let me know when all is said & done!
If nothing else, hopefully it will entertain you ;)
This title was inspired by Janet Jackson’s song ‘Nasty’ - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasty_(song)