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Obligatory Idea Dump

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Summary: Behold the wonders of insomnia and isolation. Read at your own risk.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > General > Ficlet Collections - OtherCameronYoungFR181010,51602813,96330 Jun 1018 Jun 14No

If you can't beat them, annoy them into submission

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If your eyes begin bleeding as a result of reading this, please see a doctor.

To everyone’s surprise, the Goblet flared again and another srcap of singed paper shot up into Dumbledore’s hand.

“Harry Potter.” Came the surprised voice of the Headmaster as he read the slip aloud. A hush fell over the Great Hall like a thick blanket with all eyes on the boy-who-lived until one statement broke the near palpable silence.

“Wait, what?”

“I annouced your name as a Champion, Harry.” Dumbledore’s voice was as much a long suffering sigh as it was a statement.

“No, see, I got that part. What I don’t get is why my name was in the damn cup in the first place.”

“Harry, if you would join us in the Champion’s room, we will continue our discussion there.” with that, the Headmaster turned and walked out of the Hall.

“Why can’t we continue it out here?” Harry grumbled as he got up to follow the old man. He noticed out of the corner of his eye the jealous and accusitory stares from Ron and Hermione respectively. “Fantastic.” He wished that those reactions were unexpected.

In the room, Harry was met with casual dismissal, accusations and mistrust in that order. He and Dumbledore had been arguing for the last 30 minutes. “Now Harry, I’m afraid that you must compete in the tournament. Entering your name into the Goblet is a magically binding contract.”

“Wait, so people can be entered into magically binding contacts against their will and without their knowlage? If that’s the case, why didn’t you make a contract that said, ‘All Death Eaters must cease being Death Eaters on penalty of losing their magic.’ During the war and be done with it? And doesn’t Hogwarts already have a Champion?” He was going to fight this for all he was worth. He deserved a break from life threatening danger, damnit!

With another sigh from Dumbledore, “Harry, It doesn’t work like that. You Must compete in this Tournament. Someone must have confounded the Goblet into believing you were from another school.”

“You’re dead set on me entering this thing against my will for little to no reward, aren’t you.”

“The rewards are-“ Harry cut him off.

“Yes or no question, old man.”


The wheels in Harry’s mind turned for a bit. “Ok, I’m going to need something from you then. I’m going to need you to swear on your magic that you’ll do this for me”

“Will it end this conversation with you competing in the Triwizard Tournament.”

“More importantly, will it end this damn conversation?” Was the glib question from Madame Maxine.


“Deal. I swear on my magic to perform one task for Harry Potter.” A blue glow engulfed the Headmaster. He was confident that Harry would come to him with some benign request like ‘teach him to duel’ or something to that effect. He really should have know better.

“Oh thank Merlin! Can I go now?” No one wanted to tell the impatient half-giantess what she could and could not do.

“ I honestly didn’t think you would write me a blank check like that. I want you to get the newly renamed School for Harry Potter’s Continued Happiness and Survival full Ministry accredidation and rights.”

Silence pervaded the room. Confused looks passed over the faces of most of the people it the room with a few exceptions. Victor Krum had a look of appreciation for the younger boy’s cunning. A slow grin spread across Cedric Diggory’s face as he realized the implications of Harry’s request. Fluer Delacour looked at Harry as if seeing him for the first time. Finally, the Headmaster had a look somewhat akin to dawning horror. This was going to take a lot of political capital. This was not good.

“Alright Harry, I’ll see what I can do. I’ll need you to produce a charter for your new school, I assume you would appoint yourself as headmaster.”

“Of course not, I’m not. That’s far too much responsibility for a student like me.” The knot of worry that had been forming in Dumbledore’s chest relaxed a little. At least the boy wasn’t taking on more than he could handle. “Dobby could you come here for a second?” There was a sudden pop and a house elf appeared.

“Great Harry Potter Sir has called Dobby?”

Harry’s smile was innocent and sweet. “How would you like to be the Headmaster for the School for Harry Potter’s Continued Happiness and Survival?”

The look on Dobby’s face was something of a cross between a teenage boy being asked if he wanted to give breast cancer exames to Selma Hyack, Angelina Jolee, the entire female cast of Baywatch and the lead singer for The Pretty Reckless (don’t judge me, smaller breasts can be attactive too, look at Allysin Hannigan.) and what Doctor Doom would look like if someone gave him the power to remake reality.

“Dobby will do it! Dobby will do it!”

“Excellent, let’s go gather up the rest of the staff and make our charter.” And with that, Harry and the nuerotic elf walked out of the room, leaving everyone in a stunned silence. Karkoff was the first to break the silence.

“So, what do you think his dark mark will look like when he decides to start taking over the world.” Dumbledore just glared.

A/N: I really have no one to blame but myself for this. I can't really see this going any further beyond Hermione's reaction to a House Elf Headmaster. Ja Ne.
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